Do you remember when she got together with him and we said it wouldn’t last but they’re still really happy together and it’s quite weird but also lovely? Yes, exactly. Relationships are strange and what would be an absolute dealbreaker for one person is a sweet quirk to someone else. My husband and I fundamentally disagree about buffets and baby names yet we have made it work. That said, and I don’t wish to be reductive here, but there are some lights-flashing, sirens-blaring, nailed-on warning signs that I strongly believe should never be ignored. Tell me if you disagree …
HE CAN’T GET A CAB
‘Yeah, you’re probably right, it’s time to leave. I have a taxi app but I don’t have much signal – do you know the wi-fi code here? Why don’t we just see if we can find a taxi on the street? It’s only a slight drizzle and your heels aren’t that high. Or we could just wait and see if someone else is leaving this party soon and they could give us a lift if they’re going in the same direction? Yes, let’s just stand in the corridor here near the kitchen and see if anyone looks like they might be getting their coat.’
Um, come again? What? Pardon? Hello? Have you broken into another language? See you, dude. Night night. It’s been fun flirting with you, I had thought you were cute, you made a joke about canoes and I believed this could be a thing. You’re a bit wet though, a bit slow on the uptake. Please don’t call me – in fact, delete me from your contacts. Will I be going back to yours so you can play with my knicker elastic for 30 minutes? I don’t think so.
Look, I don’t like a ‘strong’ man (‘I could easily lift up this table. I’m really good at fighting, did that bloke look at you funny? Because I’ll have him. Let me get that door for you babe – look, I almost took it off its hinges’) but I do want someone to get me home or back to his with some urgency, with some speed, with a certain amount of vigour. It’s raining – you stay here, I’ll grab us a cab. Ring a ding ding. Hot, cool, assured, right there. Back to yours for a tequila on the rocks and an old Carrs cracker covered in Primula? Why not. I might even let you have a go on my boobs, the left one is award winning.
HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS
If you’re fifteen and he hasn’t found his tribe yet then sure, let him be a bit solo, a tiny bit lost. That’s adorable, should be admired; take him under your wing and be his first kiss. Beyond this point, a man who hasn’t collected people (I’m not talking about miniature ceramic collections here – any collectors of anything should generally be avoided) just isn’t worth spending time on.
How has he got through life without knowing that the key is friendship, without having endless nights out laughing with mates? How can you even think about licking his neck if his contacts file is empty? Something’s up, something’s wrong. If he always wants to go out with your friends, to your parties, to sit on the sofa with your sister, this is all lovely, but where are his people? Where are his school friends, his work friends, his ‘we met on a night bus and just clicked’ friends? A man without a gang is not to be entertained. There’s something off. Or he’s married. Next.
HE SPLITS THE BILL
Look, I’m a staunch feminist, I’m all for equal everything and I don’t need a man to keep me in shoes, cashews, under a roof, anything. But if he looks at the check on an early date and says, ‘To be honest, the sparkling water is quite expensive here but I’m not going to make a thing about it – let’s just go halves,’ then you need to pick up the whole bill, leave a big tip and immediately exit from his life.
A generous man is what we’re after. I want him to get the rounds in, to send his mum flowers on a random Thursday to cheer her up, I want him to book tickets to stuff, to buy you personalised Marmite just because he felt like it. I want whatever money he has to pour through his fingers. He might not have a mortgage or savings or a pension and his over-spending might be infuriating but it’s still better than the other kind. (By the way, even if he does have a pension you don’t want to hear about it. If a man ever starts a chat with, ‘The funny thing is, I went with Scottish Widows,’ then you must know he’s going to bore you to tears within the first month. Also mate, define ‘funny’.)
You know the ones – they keep a tally about who paid for what last in their friendship group, they frown every time you say you bought a new lipstick/scented candle/pen. He’ll say, ‘Sure, it’s nice but did you need it?’ I mean … What does need have to do with anything? These men weigh up the pros and cons of life by working out how much it will cost and this just isn’t sexy.
I don’t care if they have money or not, and of course it’s absolutely fine for you to pay for everything, it’s the constant halving I can’t stomach and neither should you. Also, if he’s not generous at the bar – ‘Look at them, they just got engaged, let’s send over a couple of glasses of wine’ – then he’s going to be absolutely useless in the sack. He’ll be selfish, a bit too precise and he’ll insist on a ‘wipe down’ afterwards (there’s officially nothing worse). My girlfriends and I have tried and tested this fact so you don’t have to.
HE BELIEVES IN STAR SIGNS
The second he looks at you (even if he’s twinkly and witty and wearing great old jeans and an oversized fisherman’s sweater) and says, ‘I’m a Gemini so you could say I’ve got two sides,’ you must pretend you left your Corby trouser press on and hurry home to sort it out immediately. Never look back, he’s – I’m sorry but I can’t be gentle about this – a moron. I’m not saying it’s only OK to get naked with people with a PhD (although I’d highly recommend it) but if his knowledge of science has resulted in him believing a twelfth of the population behaves a certain way because they happen to be Capricorns you absolutely can’t spend another moment with him, fisherman’s sweater or not.
HE HAS AN OPINION ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE
You’re a little bit giddy about him, he has strong hands (you’re right, that is code), he asks lovely questions about your brother and sister and you think he’s funny. You’ve met his flatmate and he’s charming and there’s talk of a weekend away. How magnificent, is this the one? And then suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, you start getting a little bit tense around him – you are extra conscious of making him happy.
The opinions started small – ‘Wow, I really like it when you wear your hair up’ – and then move onto, ‘You should really wear tighter jeans, seriously, there’s nothing wrong with looking sexy.’ And all of a sudden it’s, ‘Why have you put on so much lipstick? You know I prefer it when you wear just a light gloss, why don’t you nip to the bathroom to wipe it off so we can enjoy our night?’
Please understand that none of this is about what you look like; it’s about making you feel slightly small, slightly nervous, just a bit less than – it’s about control. If he’s nuts about you (and of course he should be) he won’t really care or notice if you’re in a tracksuit, a ball gown or wearing a full squirrel fancy dress costume (OK, he probably will notice that one) but he’ll love you for everything that you are. You can be a goth, in baggy clothes, just back from a run, in the tightest top on the planet. It’s all gravy, it’s all fine. Do not try to please him with your appearance, just like you wouldn’t expect him to change his for you. Unless of course he wears top-to-toe Hackett in which case you have my permission to ‘accidentally’ put all his striped polo tops on a boil wash. That’s just sensible.
HE GIVES YOU ANYTHING WITH A PLUG
I don’t need bouquets and I don’t need jewellery. I’m not turned on by a teddy bear holding a squidgy heart with my name on it. I actually don’t need presents. My husband once bought me a large piece of mature cheddar and a bottle of Lea & Perrins and it was possibly the greatest gift I’ve ever received. Men don’t have to spend cash to be extra special. But I don’t want (definitely in the early days) an appliance. It gives the wrong message, it’s deeply functional and it doesn’t make me want to wrap my legs round him. My friend is still going out with a man who gave her a bread maker and she’s still angry about it. He’s funny and kind and sweet and they got through it but she did have to explain she wasn’t his cook, his mum. We know it’s a great iron, the best hair dryer in the world, a fantastic deep fat fryer. You want one for the flat? Sure, makes sense. Please don’t dress it up in Santa Claus wrapping paper and say you think it’s what I’ve always wanted. It isn’t.
HE OWNS (AND USES) EYE CREAM
Men have to walk a fine line here and I don’t envy them. Do I want to get into bed with him if he’s got dirt under his fingernails and his groin smells like an unwashed camel? Not particularly. But I’d still prefer to spend a weekend with that guy rather than the man who spends fifteen minutes in front of the mirror every morning applying a variety of face creams. Vanity isn’t great for women, it’s actually unattractive in all humans, but it’s utterly appalling for a man you’re considering having a relationship with.
‘Sorry babe, can you step aside a second, I just need to see my reflection. Very happy for you to stay the night, but there are a few house rules, this here is my toner which I bought in duty free. I’d like you to leave it alone if possible as it’s particularly good for my skin type. I’ve noticed a real difference. Here, have a feel.’ Um … Of course you want him to be clean, but at the same time completely uninterested in his appearance. ‘Feel my arms, I worked out for an hour today’ is a bigger passion killer than ‘come back to mine, I’ve got three tarantulas in a glass cage, I let them roam free round the bedroom while I’m sleeping and they like hiding in my hair.’
HE SAYS HE’LL BABYSIT HIS OWN CHILDREN
Well, you can’t just up and leave, I realise it’s a bigger decision than that. You’re together, you decided to procreate with him. But the second he says it, and I do mean the second, you have to put him straight. ‘Don’t worry, you go out with the girls and I’ll babysit the kids.’ Dude, they’re yours. You’re simply not babysitting. I’ve seen this countless times – it’s amusing maybe once, it’s completely infuriating twice.
IF HE TALKS ABOUT HIS CAREER BUT YOUR JOB
This is subtle. It’s small. I’m not saying it’s the death knell but it’s certainly giving you a little clue. You’re only six months in and he’s up for a promotion. I get he might be nervous and it’s cute to make him a lucky packed lunch. But the tiny difference in language here might grow if you don’t gently tread on it. You both either have jobs or you both have careers. End of.
HE’S THE BEST LOOKING MAN IN THE ROOM
This is ridiculous I know. You are no doubt laughing at me now. But hear me out. I’ve met extremely attractive men, I’ve interviewed tons of off-the-scale-knockout males. Should I sit here, Brad? Why did you choose this particular script, George? Of course I can get you a glass of water, Harrison. Lovely little eight-minute moments all of them, but would I want to go out with any of them? Definitely not.
Very handsome men have always had to make – and this is a shame – very little effort. They turn up and smile and that’s it. They can yawn at dinner, they can pick their nose while driving the car. They can only talk about themselves and not ask a question and they can get up and leave early or arrive late. Very good-looking men are nice to have about, great to be friends with, but don’t make them your life partner. Their lack of wit, energy and effort will drive you mad after the lust and ‘check out who I’m shagging’ has gone.