In relationships, we sometimes say things we don’t quite mean. We’re not intentionally lying, maybe we just don’t want the argument, or maybe we just don’t want to explain. Explaining can be very strenuous. We might not want to hurt our partner’s feelings so we bat something off and hope it disappears. Think of these as white lies then, sometimes little but other times … not. Here’s a glossary.
‘GO OUT, HAVE FUN’
You’re right. I know what it sounds like. She’s standing in front of you, she’s saying ‘Have fun!’ You can see her mouth moving and those particular words are coming out. How sweet you think, she wants me to have fun. Uh, dude …
‘Go barmy,’ we say. ‘Let it get really wild,’ we encourage. ‘We know you’ve worked hard all week,’ we’ll argue. We’ll say you deserve a night out with your mates. We might help you get dressed, we may help you line your stomach (sweetheart, shall I make you a bit of toast?).
What we’re actually saying is that we don’t want to be the annoying wife/girlfriend/‘ball and chain’ who keeps you locked up indoors. Every group has one partner who’s stricter than the others and the boys will laugh and poke fun. ‘Allowed out are you?’ and ‘Do you need to check your watch?’ and ‘Will you have to get a permission slip if we go to a club?’ and similar questions will be asked to much hooting. We don’t want to be that person, that ‘text me when you’re there’ and ‘please keep your tracker on’ nag. It’s not that we think that woman is wrong (if she’s that worried about something then yes, I’d say he’s probably playing around) but we don’t want the reputation. We want to be the cool girlfriend (outwardly speaking) who winks when you leave and promises a modicum of filth when you get back. I’ll be here waiting babe, oh, and I got a new bra. That’s what we want to be able to carry off.
What we’d like you to do is go out and slowly realise it’s just not as much fun if we’re not there. Sure, you’ll get the drinks in and have a laugh, but then, when everyone is hammered and teetering off their stools and there’s talk of the next bar or fast food, sneak off back home.
Don’t be all ‘But you said to enjoy myself!’ Yada yada yada. Yes. Up to a point. Again, that’s what we said, it’s not what we mean. Just a teeny bit of fun. No more.
‘DON’T WORRY’
We all do this, don’t we? You explain you can’t now make the parent/teacher meeting. You can’t go to their work event because you’ve committed to seeing a friend. You haven’t started cooking lunch even though you said you would because you’re enjoying your book or the papers. You say sorry and your partner says, ‘Don’t worry’ and you think, phew. That means everything is all right.
It doesn’t though, does it? When she/he says, ‘Don’t worry,’ it actually translates as, ‘You should worry but I can’t be bothered to tell you how you’ve let me down/got it wrong/upset me, so instead I’m going to answer like this. Because I don’t want to have a row, because I can’t get into it right now, because I just need to talk to my best friend to slag you off, because I fantasise about being away from here or about you being a different kind of person.’
We say ‘Don’t worry,’ because we don’t want to have to explain, out loud, why that is the wrong answer. When we say ‘Don’t worry’ it means, um, worry.
‘LET ME THINK ABOUT IT’
You want to invite your best friend and his new girlfriend round for dinner on Thursday? The night before the big presentation at work? You think that the fourteen-year-old wants to celebrate her birthday with a fishing trip where we all camp and cook on a stove using only a magnifying glass and some flint? You want us to enrol in a couple’s palmistry course in the local town hall?
We nod and look at you and say sure, let me think about it. We really give the impression that we’ve slid that option/idea into our brains and we’re going to get right back to you. Christmas Day at your parents’ instead of mine this year? Let me think about it. Spending our wedding anniversary at your best mate’s because they’ve got a new bearded dragon? Let me think about it.
OK, here’s the truth. We’re not thinking about it. We’re just biding our time while we work out how to explain why it’s a bad idea and never going to happen. We never need time to think about anything. We have to move too fast – organising the groceries, feeding the cat, making sure the kids have done their art projects, calling back British Gas, earning a living, paying the window cleaner. We’re quick as a flash, we move and make decisions at breakneck speed. We have absolutely no need of time to think about things. Remember that please. The next time you hear ‘let me think about it’ remove it from your head. It’s a solid no. Plus, have you ever met a bearded dragon?
‘WHY DON’T YOU ASK DADDY IF HE KNOWS?’
This isn’t a gentle, ‘Gosh I’m not very good at physics.’ It means, ‘Please get off the damn sofa/away from the TV/stop doing the fucking sudoku.’ It means, ‘I’m happy you’re having a nice afternoon but I’m making gravy here and our kid (notice the our) needs help with their homework so FFS get involved.’ But because it’s Sunday, we will make it nice (we try to make everything nice on Sundays).
‘I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS DRESS’
Right. Open your ears please. This doesn’t mean I’m not sure about this dress. On any level, in fact, it’s quite the contrary. What we’d like from you here is something lovely about our physical selves. Of course we’re sure about the dress, we didn’t buy it blindfolded, we didn’t just chuck it at the till without looking at it, we’re too smart for that. We asked our friends and we really thought about it. We weighed up the pros and cons, the ‘will this still work in 2024?’, we took photos of it, we have seen it from the back (a feat in a home without mirrors). We’re absolutely positive we bang on nailed it but you haven’t said we’re pretty/attractive/sexy for a while and we’d like some attention please.
‘THAT’S NEW’
Perhaps he bought a new picture for the walls. ‘Look at this baby, got a nice big print, thought it could go in the kitchen. Yeah, you’re right, it is a poisonous dart frog but really close up. Just love the mad colours, you know. Thought it was time we had something really bright in here.’
When the answer is simply ‘That’s new’, it means we don’t like it but don’t quite know how to remove it and not hurt your feelings. We can also see that now, in the midst of the excitement about the new shiny thing, is not the best moment to express our alarm. We will save this for later and instead just opt for a ‘That’s new.’ Our partner will do that too. Please see here – when we got that hippo footstool and a cow butter dish (almost life-size), all he could muster was a tiny ‘That’s new.’
‘IT’S LOVELY!’
You’ve handed over a present. You’re proud of it. You might have really thought about it or you might have got it hungover on 24 December. Maybe you rushed into the shop and thought, ‘Yeah, pink gloves. I’ve never seen her wear pink gloves, she’s going to love them!’ Or, ‘An enormous book about the Ancient Greeks? Perfect. I am sure he once expressed an interest in the Trojan war.’ If you hand it over and they open it and they exclaim rather too loudly, ‘It’s LOVELY!’ then I think we all know that this simply means, ‘Have you got the receipt?’
WHAT WE SAY, WHAT WE MEAN
So in conclusion, all relationships – and friendships too – require little fictions to smooth them over at times. We are busy, we are tired and sometimes we just know that now is not the right moment. As I think I have made clear, a lot of the time it’s really no good being honest. That is not what is being asked of you. Here are some more things that we all say, and what we really mean when we say them. I think you will find them familiar.
| WHAT WE SAY | WHAT WE MEAN |
| Thanks for that information | Shh |
| I’m so sorry I’m late | I almost didn’t come |
| I’d love to do that | Please don’t make me |
| I’ve just eaten | I’m on a diet |
| I think he’s interesting | Your new boyfriend is awful |
| No, no, it looks good | Don’t wear it again |
| Are you going to eat that? | Give it to me |
| He’s a bundle of energy | Control your son |
| Where’s that from? | I’d like it for Christmas |
| You’re such an inventive cook | This is inedible |
| I’ll check with him/her | We’re not coming |
| What do you want for dinner? | Please make it |