There are lots of things people will tell you are bad, that we shouldn’t feel, shouldn’t do, shouldn’t talk about, shouldn’t applaud. These things are apparently negative, damaging and must be avoided. Well, I’ve been sent here to tell you that the following ‘evils’ are actually quite good news.
FAST FOOD
Oh no, we never eat anything from those establishments. Poppy here has never even heard of a McFlurry! We prefer everything to be homemade, we despise even the sound of a packet opening. Yes, you’re right, it is harder work to make our own pasta and our own bread but why not? It’s for our internal organs you see, we’re just happier eating food straight from the ground or tree. That’s clean living. Yes, you could say we’re spotless in our eating habits. We only do organic and fresh and we’ve never gone to one of the large supermarkets. I mean, some of them have more than ten aisles. No, we favour the small and independent markets. We’ve been known to queue for an hour for a piece of chorizo. I’d rather die than let little Ludo have a Skittle, that’s why we avoid most kids’ parties.
There’s a growing food snobbery that I can’t really abide. Yes, fresh spinach is good; yes, it’s excellent to support your local cheese/wine/fruit and veg shop and to eat healthily 90 per cent of the time but gang, have you never had an Egg McMuffin? Exactly, sometimes just nothing else will do.
BAD TASTE
We’re always told ‘tasteful’ is minimalist and calm and unshouty. People who have good taste choose well-fitting suits and their boots are always clean. They favour a crisp shirt (ironed) and a discreet mid-size, fawn handbag. People with good taste are softly spoken and keen on chocolate brown eyeliner and it’s often said that once we’re all grown up we should be more refined, more elegant, more neat.
Tasteful people are keen on soft background music, comfortable pale bathrobes, driving gloves and they think Vegas is vulgar. They have children called Tom and Anne and will inwardly tut if they overhear, ‘Moonbeam, come on, it’s time to go home,’ at the swings. They have sensible pets (he doesn’t shed and is groomed every Thursday) and matching luggage. They read their bank statements and they make sure they never crack open a new mascara, bottle of olive oil, pair of trainers until they’re absolutely sure the old is completely used up and redundant.
People with bad taste like spicy food, loud noise, mismatched cutlery, Dallas reruns, sweaters with holes in and have kids called Chutney or Napoleon. People with bad taste swear a lot, scratch in public and sometimes wear tops that show their bra strap. People with absolutely no taste use too much mascara, wear large earrings and often have ramshackle drawers. People with bad taste wear seasonal clothes but in the wrong season. They’ll throw on a summer dress with thick black tights in January. They’re happy to wear heavy DMs in August. The only reason they choose something is because they love it.
Good taste, then, is highly overrated. You want to dress inappropriately and get lipstick on your teeth? You’ll be more fun than Mr and Mrs Polite. Go for it.
UNPOPULARITY
Who wants to be the most popular person in the room? It does sound tempting. Everyone wants to talk to her/him; people literally stand in line at parties so they can just lap up some of that glow. She’ll like me best! I’ll tell her she looks fantastic, I’ll mention her shoes, they look new. I’ll be fast, can’t waste her time but I’ll try and say something memorable. The problem with being the most popular person in the room is that it’s seriously hard work.
That person has to go to everything to keep their position, to keep being the most invited and the most fun. The number one in the room has to practically tap dance at dinners, they have to regale everyone with the best stories – people are looking to them to set the tone. They have to store gossip like little penguins so they can regurgitate it all up at the drinks, the Sunday lunch, the trip to the gallery. They can’t turn up late in stained clothes and slump on the sofa with a girlfriend, yawn and eat all the snacks.
They need new clothes (can’t wear the same thing at that many events) and new clutch bags and new ways to say the same thing. They need to know about Sienna (fabulous, you must go to such-and-such place and order the so-and-so pudding) and they need to remember everyone’s kids’ names. They need to never cancel and they need to be extra happy and freakishly upbeat.
Just writing this is exhausting, now imagine living it. I’m all for JOMO – joy of missing out (I have no time for FOMO). I want my friends and my gaggle to love me and so should you, but the whole room? Give it up. Let someone else have it who wants it more. You can say no to stuff, you can wear the same gear and you don’t have to stand in the middle of the room at parties but can find a nook instead (this is the key to all of life).
GUILT
Here’s something – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with guilt. I’m going out again and not putting the kids to bed. I’ve just bought masses of food and walked right past that homeless person without offering anything as my hands were full and the car was on a meter. I know she’s called twice but I’m really busy and will have to get back to her another time, tomorrow will be all right. Shit, I haven’t spoken to my parents for a whole week, I should call.
These are all things we should feel guilty about and here’s why: we are guilty. Stop avoiding the bedtime story, absolutely never walk past someone who is hungry and asking for food, call your friend back as if she’s rung twice she needs you and ring your bloody parents because they love hearing your voice and it’s the right thing to do.
That uneasiness, that qualm, that disquiet is a good thing. It’s our heads, our hearts, our gut telling us we’ve been badly behaved. Of course these feelings of foreboding come in different variations – if you went to bed without putting a wash on then please don’t sweat it, but you made somebody feel small or odd and didn’t apologise, unquestionably get back out of bed and send a sorry. If you could help and didn’t then yes, feel guilty.
People who never feel remorse are the ones who think they deserve 24/7 happiness, an easier life, sympathy. Beware of these people, they’re usually narcissists.
You feel bad about something? Good. Guess what, you did something wrong. Sort it.
IMPOSTER SYNDROME
How on earth did I get this job? Why am I here? What if they ask me to speak at the meeting? What do you mean, I’ve been picked to do the presentation? What on earth are they thinking, giving me all this responsibility? What if they think I’m not up to it? I have to open the shop by myself? What if something happens? I’ve got six inches of make-up on, heels I can’t walk in and I’m about to do this actually live on television. I have to hold onto (make that ‘grip’) his arm and walk down stairs and will then have to speak and people (they say) are watching.
When will they realise I can’t do it? That they can get someone much better? It’s got to be any time now …
Imposter syndrome. When you think you’re a fraud, when you think that you can’t do the job. That niggling feeling that someone is going to find you out. The phone will ring. ‘Ah, hello, it’s Lucy from HR. Well it turns out that little voice inside your head was completely right after all. All this time you’ve been thinking you weren’t up to it? It took us a while to catch up, so sorry, so much admin up here, but you’re bang on. You’re nowhere near as good as we thought you were. It’s time to pack up your desk. Please do so immediately, leave straight away and don’t stop to talk to anyone.’
It’s a slightly sick feeling, a just-waiting feeling. Here they come, they’re here to tell me I’ve been too lucky, too jammy and it’s all over. This feeling can of course come and go but it’s always slightly there, humming in that little corner of your brain.
Here’s the thing: I think a bit of imposter syndrome is incredibly useful. It’s good to ask, ‘Why me?’, it’s tremendous to think this will end in disaster, it’s excellent to question how you got there in the first place. Nerves, worry, a low-level ‘I’m going to get caught out’ makes us better at our jobs, it’s as simple as that. I’ve met the odd person who believes they were meant to be there, that they were born for the role, that this was their rightful path, that the company is lucky to have them. You’re right, total prats – not very popular, massive egos, hideous sense of entitlement and also (here’s the funny bit) not always very good.
We have to make sure we don’t take it for granted because the second we do, boof, it goes wrong. That work thing where you couldn’t really be bothered to read the background notes – ‘Watch me guys, this’ll be easy peasy’ – that’s when it falls apart. Worrying a bit keeps us on our toes, it makes sure we turn up on time, smile a lot, work hard – that all comes from a fear of failure and as long as it’s manageable and doesn’t overwhelm we can really use it to our advantage. Keep thinking ‘Why me?’ and never rest on your laurels, that’s just good sense. You can look back and say, ‘well, that wasn’t all bad’ when you’ve retired but not before.
WATCHING TOO MUCH TELEVISION
I’m not just saying this because I work in it but here’s some information.
Great television is good for you. Who taught me about animals? David Attenborough. Who teaches me about what’s going on in the world? Emily Maitlis. I want to learn about different cultures, different viewpoints, I am so grateful to Louis Theroux for everything he’s ever made. I want to laugh with my seventeen-year-old until we’re sick – thank you to the team behind Would I Lie to You? and Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I want us all to sit down together and enjoy something as a family. Terry Deary, creator of Horrible Histories, we salute you. I want to see the Pyramid Stage but I don’t actually want to walk a mile to use a portable loo so thank you Jo Whiley, Clara Amfo, Edith Bowman and Lauren Laverne. And I genuinely don’t think I could have raised three children without the Teletubbies, the Octonauts and Mr Tumble.
The creative process behind each and every show should be applauded. It isn’t chucked together, it isn’t a last minute job. Michael Palin taught me more about the Sahara than I would ever have found out about in books and I knew next to nothing about Brunel before I tripped up over a documentary about him.
Television is our window to a world we might not otherwise see. Watch it, and learn from it, just by yourself or with your kids, and be proud of this, not ashamed.
ANGER
‘Don’t feel angry’, ‘Don’t get all upset’, ‘Don’t worry about it’ and ‘Let it go’. Good advice, yes? We are calm, mature adults. Let’s not get in a tizz. Well, yes. But also, no.
I mean, don’t get angry with the building works on your street or the temporary closure of a cycle lane. Don’t get cross if the tube carriage is too full and don’t get worked up if the last person who used the toothpaste didn’t put the cap back on (slightly infuriated maybe, livid no), but if you do have a cause close to your heart, if you are worried about the plight of a group of people, if you think we’re being governed by fools then sure, get enraged.
Fury elicits change. It makes us march, write to our MP, change the status quo. Throw off the ‘I reminded you to buy yoghurt on the way home just TEN minutes ago’ anger but hold on to the righteous rage. Being non-stop irate is probably bad for the body and soul but being utterly and wholly incensed about an injustice that you can help change is galvanising.