Do you sometimes feel meek, embarrassed, a little bit small?
Do you stand in a queue for an hour, get to the front and then apologise to the girl as she tells you they’ve just closed and you have to go back the next day? Of course, silly me for getting here so late. Do you tell the dry cleaner that it’s actually not a problem that they ruined your new dress because you wanted an excuse never to wear it anyway? Thank you so much, you’ve saved me from some decision making later. Can I pay by card?
If your boyfriend says he’s going out (again) and will probably stay in the Holiday Inn round the corner so he doesn’t wake you up when he gets back at 4am do you nod and say that’s actually fantastic and extremely thoughtful? Do you help him get ready for his big night – no, wear that shirt, you look really sexy in it. Don’t worry about the hangover, I know you’ll be monosyllabic and grumpy all weekend. Tell you what, I’ll make your favourite food and give you a foot rub while you watch the football. Love you! Bye!
Do you tell the father of your children that it’s wonderful news he’s last-minute swapped the weekends he’s looking after the kids as that night out you had planned would probably have been too raucous anyway. Have fun in Ibiza! You leave them with me and we’ll go to the park in the howling rain again. No problemo.
Is any of this you? Even slightly you? Do you people please until you don’t know who you really are any more? Do you want everyone to love you so much you’ll do anything to make it all OK? Do you try to fit in a bit too readily, not getting in the way, because you don’t want to be ‘difficult’? Do you say you like everything – all the different ways to eat eggs, dark walls, light walls, high ceilings, cosy low ones. I like it all, no preference from me! Everything is fantastic!
Do you thank your boss for calling you in the middle of a family Sunday lunch to ask you to go into work to check something that could easily be checked tomorrow? While you’re there, do you sort out the mugs and the coffee area and water the plants?
When your child’s friend punches him in the lunch queue, do you tell his mum at the school gates that it was probably your kid’s fault? Do you apologise profusely on his behalf and say he no doubt deserved it and can be a right pain!
Basically, do you sometimes think you’re wearing a ‘Please Like Me’ t-shirt, happy to fold in with everyone else’s plans? Have you maybe forgotten if you prefer the cinema, a night in the pub or just staying in? Where are you exactly? Are you a tiny bit lost?
I mean, I’m exaggerating here, but if any of this (even a little bit) sounds like anything you ever do, then can I suggest you channel Jackie Collins?
I interviewed Jackie Collins once and she was a total knockout, a brilliant woman with a great laugh and her priorities straight (I’m not sure how I gleaned this from a twenty-minute chat either but sometimes you just know, don’t you). She lived in a house predominately designed in animal print. She had leopard walls, zebra floors and faux tiger throws. She was wearing an animal print blazer and was extremely glamorous. For all her smiles and kindness – sit anywhere! Here, let me get you a drink – she also had a strength, a purpose, a presence. Was she fun? Sure. Had she sold more than 500 million books (read that figure again)? Absolutely.
What we learn from Jackie is simply this: know your worth. I do realise it sounds like a hideous inspirational quote but they’re not all wrong. So what I suggest is that if you can’t quite locate ‘you’ in all the clamour right now start by dressing with a bit more muscle, a bit more control, a bit more authority, and consider embracing animal print.
It doesn’t have to be top to toe, it doesn’t need to be your shoes, your jacket, your beret (don’t wear a beret please) and certainly don’t buy an actual tiger onesie, but dressing like Jackie will give you a bit of oomph. It can be a sweater, a battered bag, a belt. Just get some stripes or spots in your life.
Jackie was tough, she was powerful and she was in charge. And so will you be. Nobody tells you to get to the back of the queue if you’re in a full-length faux zebra coat. Nobody tells you that yeah, your kid was probably getting on their kid’s nerves if you’re in leopard-print leggings. Try telling your boyfriend that if he wants to go out with his mates again you might just find someone else. It’ll be easier in animal. When your boss calls on Sunday and you’re pouring the gravy wearing a cheetah-print sweatshirt he will hear a new strength in your voice and will back down. ‘Sorry, stupid idea!’ he’ll say.
If it’s always you getting the coffees in, the vodkas in, organising the trips. If it’s you who worries about the atmosphere in the room because you just want everything to be OK and settled and you think this is your job, then it’s time to ditch the pleasant cardigans, the ‘safe choice’ jeans, the completely unremarkable garb.
Anyone who tells you that your look and your clothes are deeply unimportant, just the outside, just salad dressing, is wrong (and usually male). Sometimes we need an armour, a battle outfit. So stop worrying about everyone else (just for a minute) and dress for war. My look for combat (OK, I’m going a little far here) happens to be black clothes, a ton of eye make-up and a fringe. So find yours.
And remember Jackie Collins – author of 32 novels, selfmade multimillionaire and one of the sweetest women I’ve ever interviewed. She was friendly, kind and welcoming but you wouldn’t mess with her. That’s what you’re aiming for, and if a leopard-print clutch is what you need to remind you of this then off you go and find one. Don’t let me hold you up.