We’ve established that friends are important. I hope you have lots of wonderful people in your life – people who you love more than anything, who have your back while you have theirs. If you’re sociable and love meeting new people maybe there’s still plenty of space in your heart, at your kitchen table, in your WhatsApp groups for more members of the gang. Or perhaps you feel like you barely have enough time to spend with the friends you already have. Quite understandable, but don’t shut the doors too firmly. You never know when you might meet someone so brilliant they will be worth making space for. In the main, I love meeting new people – I do think people are generally interesting and wonderful, but equally, there are some people that I think it’s often best to avoid …
PEOPLE WHO SHOW YOU PHOTOS ON THEIR PHONE
Oh there he is! Goodness, he can roll over? I understand you’re in love with your new puppy. Oh, there’s Florence in her school play. Gosh, you’ve got a new sofa. Wow, I haven’t even taken my coat off and your phone is in my face.
Please put it away immediately. If you can’t use words then I’m not interested. I’ve looked at a screen since 9am, we all have. A human, in the flesh. Enough with the showing photos thing.
PEOPLE WHO NAME THEIR CARS
‘Come on, I’ll take us to the cinema. Just get into Patricia and we’ll be off.’ Uh, is it OK if we walk?
COUPLES WHO CALL EACH OTHER MUMMY AND DADDY
It’s a grown-up dinner, somebody has cooked salmon. We love being with the kids but here we can debate politics, we can swear like troopers, we can shout and laugh and not worry if little Sam has had enough broccoli. Nobody beneath the age of eighteen is present. Yet you hear from a grown woman, ‘Daddy, can you grab the ice cream out of the freezer?’
Bye, cheerio. Thanks for having us. Yes, next time at ours! We’re just in the middle of a refurb at the moment, though/we’re moving to Copenhagen for a bit/we have a collection of pythons at home that we allow to roam freely so we don’t often have people round. I’m changing my number, I’ll text you when I get the new one and we’ll absolutely find a date.
ANYONE WHO FLIRTS WITH YOUR PARTNER
‘Gosh, aren’t you a lucky girl?’ she says, sighing and not quite meeting your eye. She squeezes his arm. ‘He’s so manly, so meaty, so delicious!’ Her eyes widen in mock shock.
‘Do you mind if we swap seats?’ she asks. There’s that arm squeeze again.
‘Let’s have lunch! No, let’s make it a deux.’ Air kisses. ‘It’s your birthday soon isn’t it? Promise we’ll talk all about you and what he’s thinking of getting you.’ Is there anything creepier? I’m not possessive, please chat to him, please make him your friend. But the flirting is off-putting.
SHOW-OFFS
‘I can’t believe it, either. Just the appraisal went so well!’
‘No, thing is I’ve never suffered from hangovers.’
‘I am not trying to get slimmer, something just seems to be happening. I thought the menopause was supposed to slow down my metabolism? What can I tell you? I’ve always been different!’
‘Yes, we added an extra £100k to the house with the extension, so lucky we did it at the right time!’
‘These outfits I put together, they just come naturally to me. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a big deal, you can call it a skill if you want.’
‘Yes, people have said I look like Keira Knightley. I think it must be my genes.’
Hurl.
PEOPLE WHO ARE ALWAYS LATE
Look, I’ve managed to get here on time and my eyes are so bad I can barely read a watch and I too am relying on public transport. I don’t want you or anyone to wait for me. But it’s OK if I wait for you?
If you want to tell the world you think you’re ever so slightly better than them without saying exactly that, always be late. The end.
PEOPLE WHO POP ROUND WITH NO WARNING
‘Coo-eee, only us! We’ve:
… made a crumble …
… brought some wine …
… thought we’d see your new bathroom and check that shower pressure!’
Listen, I want you to come round.
I really, really like you.
But I was about to have a nap. Don’t mess with my nap schedule.
PEOPLE YOU FEEL A BIT MEAN AFTER TALKING TO
I like a gossip too. But it can’t be mean, not horrible. I don’t want to talk at length about people we all spend time with if they’re not part of the conversation. There are some friends who want to pick over a friend’s relationship, their kids, why they’ve moved to the new house, why they chose that holiday spot. It’s a bit like a double chocolate salted caramel éclair with a honeycomb topping – all fine when you’re eating it (ish) and then afterwards you feel a bit yuck, a bit gross.
Avoid the friend who wants you to talk about other friends endlessly. They might imply that it’s ‘harmless’ or frame it as ‘I’m a bit worried about them. Why have they got too thin/fat/loud?’ But it’s done with faux compassion and it is, let’s be honest, unnerving. Plus if he or she does that about other people they supposedly like, what are they saying about you?
PEOPLE WHO ONLY COMPLAIN
He’s annoying, the kids are slow, the hairdryer isn’t as good as I thought it was going to be. He booked me a massage for my birthday but it was terrible, more of a tickle. We can’t find the right holiday villa. Sainsbury’s are just delivering too many substitutions these days. I can’t find the right tutor for the kids, plus I don’t like their schools. My hairdresser talks too much. My local butcher always delivers late. That book everyone said was great wasn’t.
I’m going to stop you there. You’re lucky. That doesn’t mean life has to be only rainbows and unicorns, you don’t need to smile the whole time, but you need some perspective. Please get some, then call me.
PEOPLE WHO IGNORE YOU IF THERE’S SOMEONE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN THE ROOM
‘Hey, how are you? You look great, where’s that top from? What are your plans for the summer?’ They’re doing all of this but they’re not looking at you, they’re looking just over your shoulder. You can answer anything – absolutely shit, my neck is covered in semen thank you for asking, we were thinking of going to Hull. They’ll nod and smile and reply with ‘Wow, great, how smashing, I love it there’ because they are not listening and they’re basically waiting for someone more interesting/famous/cool to turn up. These people are tools – give them no oxygen.
PEOPLE WHO SAY ‘FUNNY’ AND DON’T LAUGH
Exactly.
PEOPLE WHO THINK POPULAR CULTURE IS BENEATH THEM
What do I do in my spare time? Listen to Bach mainly. We don’t have a television you see. No, the kids don’t have phones – they’re currently reading Tolkien together at night. We have never tried ice cream from a tub – we just love making our own. What’s it like? The fake stuff?
Guys, get a takeaway, watch Ant and Dec, eat a Cornetto in bed. You might be less ‘wholesome’ but you’ll definitely be more fun to be around.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE CONVERSATIONS ON THEIR PHONE WHEN THEY’RE WITH YOU
I have decided not to nap/cuddle my kids/have sex with my husband/shop for calligraphy felt tips online (is this just me?) to be here with you. I have very little interest in hearing your conversation with someone else. I get it, you want to talk to them. Please do it when I’ve gone. If you’re wondering why we don’t have lunch anymore then this is it …
PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE THE FIRST TO …
‘Guys, guys, you think you’ve been through childbirth but wait till you hear what happened to me.’
‘Hey, everyone, you think you’ve had sex but actually, I’ve got to say, I’ve had major sex.’
You’re not the first, I’m not the first. Stop ‘owning’ this stuff.
PEOPLE WHO DON’T APPROVE OF SWEARING
Live a little (and stop being a cunt).
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET THE DETAILS RIGHT
So the weirdest thing happened last Friday. Hold on, was it Thursday? Now let me see … Usually we get the shopping on a Friday for the weekend but I seem to remember I’d just made a fruit smoothie. Wait, so it’s very possible this happened on a Saturday. Hmm, I’ll check with Nigel. Ah, he’s in the middle of talking. He’ll know. Babe. Babe. Nigel, was it on Friday when the thing happened or was it Saturday? I think it might have been Friday. Were you going to golf? Yes, that’s it. Agreed. Well, if you had your bacon then it must have been the Saturday. Good. So, Claud. Uh, Claud? Why are those big long pins in your eyes?
NAME-DROPPERS
I don’t care who you’re friendly with. I’m not interested in who came to dinner. And I really do mean this – nobody (and I do mean nobody) will impress me because I’m solely interested in you. It could be Gloria Hunniford, it could be the Queen, it could be Stevie Wonder. Stop name-dropping them this minute. It doesn’t make you cool or popular or awesome, it’s a little bit sad.
PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY CARE WHEN THEY DON’T
This is a cause so close to my heart. I really want to help in any way that I can. Yes, it’s a wonderful charity. It’s name? Um, that escapes me.
PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DON’T CARE BUT DO
‘I’m easy.’ ‘Always cancel on me, I won’t notice.’ ‘I don’t mind where he goes.’
All said while seething, secretly fuming. This is exhausting. Be honest. Better.