Los Angeles, oysters, Rubens, pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. All highly overrated. But not quite as overrated as honesty.
‘Seriously babe, hand on heart I think I prefer the other dress.’ Pardon?
‘If you’re really asking my opinion then I like it when you make chicken the other way.’ Right then. Noted.
‘To be honest, I think I liked your hair longer.’ To be honest?
To be honest? TO BE HONEST?! I’ll tell you what, I’ve got an idea: stop being honest. It seems you do not understand the question ‘Does this look OK?’ I’m not asking you to actually inspect it. I’m not genuinely checking whether you prefer me in navy or dark grey. I mean, I love you, but you think it’s OK to wear a fleece and trainers with jeans. I’m perfectly aware I’m not living with Anna Wintour.
The answer to ‘Does this look OK?’ is ‘Great, baby.’ You don’t have to give a long answer, you don’t have to investigate whether a floor-length or midi skirt is better for my swollen ankles. I’m not really trying to get inside your mind when I ask you if I look half decent. I need you to check whether I have spinach in my teeth or flour on my shirt. ‘Do I look OK?’ is just that. Don’t look up from your newspaper for more than a second, don’t give it any thought. A ‘lovely’ or ‘fine’ will do.
And then there’s: ‘I’m sure you’ve thought about it, but to be truthful …’ If the first bit of that sentence is genuinely true then you don’t need to continue. You think I should breastfeed for longer, eh? If it was you, you’d let them suckle till they’re two? That’s great, that’s fine. If your three-year-old was trying to get into your bra in the coffee shop I can promise you I wouldn’t lean forward and say, ‘Truthfully, I think you should give her a sippy cup.’ I just wouldn’t.
‘Sincerely, I think you should consider not doing that job any more.’ What? Why? Why are you saying ‘sincerely’, because I don’t really think it’s sincere. Look mate, I’ve got a mortgage to pay and eyeliner to buy.
And these professions of honesty are so often followed by disclaimers, appeals for tolerance of a completely unasked-for opinion. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way…’ You know that I might, otherwise it wouldn’t have occurred to you to say it. So why not just nod and say you like it, are happy for me, and move on? The worst of these is ‘No offence, but …’ That, surely, is just announcing that you are going to say something offensive.
Opinions can hurt, they can cause upset and I’m not convinced they’re entirely necessary. You’re at your mum’s and she’s repainted the loo. It’s a dusky pink with a bottle green towel display (she’s fashioned the top one into a swan) but she’s really pleased with it. She’s literally bursting with pride. This is what to say: ‘It looks excellent, Mum, I love it, well done.’
My friend has just started going out with someone who seems like a bit of an arse. I don’t say, ‘He’s a muppet, you could do so much better.’ I’m not suggesting we all have to love him but if she’s currently enamoured what’s the point in bringing her down? I go round to someone’s house and he’s made floating islands for dessert (I don’t know about you but I actually can’t think of a worse pudding, it’s just way too wet) and, guess what, I eat it.
Opinions: keep them to yourself unless you’re sitting with your best friend and they seriously want to know something. Then, of course, spill.
There’s so much importance placed on honesty, or maybe it should be called fake honesty and it’s simply not useful. Appraisals, how-are-you-doing-meetings, 360s, people telling you what they really think. Here’s an idea – why not just swallow it down? The greatest people to be around are positive people. I think you look smashing; I think the job is fine; I bet he didn’t mean it when he got a bit twatty with the waiter. What they are really saying here is ‘I’m on your side’. Miles better. Encouraging, supportive, kind, less forthright, way less judgemental.
The world is full of people shouting their opinion, who can’t wait to tell us all what they think (have you been on Twitter recently? A load of people angrily shouting at the moon, literally throwing a sock into space). What I want and need from my family and friends is simply ‘That’s a good idea.’
When we really need to share truth and feelings and worries about each other then of course we’ll come clean and we’ll wipe up the mess afterwards. You seem to be getting drunk a lot more than you used to; she doesn’t make you happy; you seem to be screaming at your kids a lot. That’s proper stuff – the real deal. Everything else is just noise. Why does everyone think their opinion is the right one anyway?
There is no right. Love him, don’t love him; send her to private school, send her to the local comp. Honestly, live your bloody life because it’s hard enough. I’m right over here cheerleading you on. Go on, you’ve absolutely got this. And if it all goes to shit I’ve got a bottle of tequila, a toasted sandwich maker and all of Oasis on vinyl. It’ll be fine.