7  Mindfulness of Feelings and Sensations: A Technique of Meditation

I WILL EXPLAIN THE PURPOSE, usefulness, aim, and direction of this meditation method after we have gone through it together. Without the experience, we cannot become fully involved. At this time we need to familiarize ourselves with a spot in the body that we call the “top of the head,” which is a shallow indentation that we all have on the top of our skulls. In a baby it is the fontanel, where the bones grow together later. We can find it three or four fingers’ width above the hairline. The other spot is the crown of the head, which is about the size of a large coin, where the hair grows in a different direction. Some people have it on the left, others on the right, some in the middle. It doesn’t matter where we find it; it simply gives a location.

Start by paying attention to the feeling that is generated by the wind of the breath at the nostrils. Become aware of that feeling for a few moments.

Now transfer your attention to the “top of the head.” Let everything else go; pay no more attention to the breath. Just put your full awareness on the top of the head and notice any feeling that is to be found there: ticklishness, heaviness, pressure, tingling, contraction, expansion, warmth, cold, pleasantness, unpleasantness, movement, stillness—any of those, or any others. You don’t need to name the sensation, although you can if you wish. I am only naming them in order to help.

Slowly move your attention from the top of the head to the crown of the head, along the top of the skull, spot after spot, becoming aware of each spot. Note the sensation, the feeling; let go and move on to the next spot. Try to cover the whole of the top of the skull. Sensation is physical; feeling is emotional. Note anything that may arise; let go, and focus on the next spot: hardness, softness, pressure, tingling, tickling, movement, contraction, expansion, warmth, poking, stabbing, disliking…the sensation may be on the skin or under the skin. It may be deep inside or on the surface. The only thing that really matters is awareness.

Now concentrate on the crown of the head, a small area. Become aware of how it feels. Try to get so close to yourself that feelings and sensations become apparent.

Slowly move your attention from the crown of the head along the back of the skull to the base, where the neck joins the head. Pay full attention to each spot, noting, letting go, going on to the next one.

Now place your full attention on the left side of the head, slowly moving down from the top of the skull to the jaw line, from the hairline in front to behind the left ear. Concentrate on each spot, slowly moving down, becoming aware of either feeling or sensation…noting solidity, touch, tension, relaxation, resistance, anything that arises. Note it, let it go, and move on to the next spot.

Bring your attention to the right side of the head, slowly moving down from the top of the skull to the jaw line, from the hairline in front to behind the right ear. Pay full attention to each spot as you slowly move down, knowing the sensation, knowing the feeling, on the skin or under the skin, deep inside or on the surface. It’s the awareness that counts.

Put your full attention on the hairline above the forehead and slowly move down the whole width of the forehead to the eyebrows, spot by spot. Note whatever may present itself: pounding, movement, pressure, pleasantness, unpleasantness.

Now turn your full attention to the left eye, all around it—socket, eyeball, lid—and notice the sensation, the feeling: pressure, heaviness, darkness, light, touch, trembling, stillness.

Next transfer your attention to your right eye. All around—socket, eyeball, lid. Take note of any sensation, any feeling that you become aware of.

Concentrate on the spot between the eyebrows. Slowly move down the nose to the tip, noticing spot after spot: hardness, softness, tingling—it can be any of these, or any other sensation that you are aware of.

Now fix your attention on the nostrils. Slowly move up inside the nose, noticing the sensation: air, movement, space, confinement, openness, ticklishness, wetness, dryness, touch.

Concentrate on the small area between the tip of the nose and the upper lip, the width of the upper lip. Notice any sensation, any feeling: touch, movement, trembling, stillness, heaviness, lightness.

Move your attention to the upper and lower lip. Notice touch, pressure, contraction, wetness, dryness, pleasantness, unpleasantness, any of these or any others.

Place your attention on the inside of the mouth. Become aware of any sensation, any feeling. Move from spot to spot, covering the whole area.

Put your full attention on the chin. Become aware of what it feels like.

Move your attention to the left cheek, slowly moving down from the eye to the jaw line. With your attention on each spot, notice any sensation, any feeling; let go and move to the next spot.

Concentrate on the right cheek, slowly moving down from the eye to the jaw line, spot by spot. Become aware of sensation or feeling; noticing, letting go, and moving on to the next spot. The sensation can be faint or definite, it doesn’t matter.

Put your attention on the throat. Slowly move down from the jaw line to where the neck joins the trunk, spot by spot, outside or inside, noticing touch, warmth, obstruction, heaviness, lightness, pulsing.

Move your attention to the back of the neck, starting at the base of the skull and slowly moving down to where the neck joins the trunk. Notice each spot: tense, relaxed, knotted, pleasant, unpleasant, poking, stabbing, tickling, tingling—any of these, or any others.

Put your full attention on the left shoulder. Slowly move from the neck along the top of the shoulder to where the left arm joins. Notice each spot, becoming aware of the feeling or sensation: tense, relaxed, heavy, burdened, whatever it may be, noticing it, letting go, and moving on to the next spot.

Now turn your attention to the left upper arm, slowly moving down from the shoulder to the elbow, all around the left upper arm, becoming aware of each spot as you move along. Notice the sensation, the feeling; let go and then go on to the next spot. Notice touch, warmth, movement, heaviness, lightness, contraction, expansion.

Concentrate on the left elbow. It is a small area, so let everything else go. Pay no attention to any other part of the body, only the left elbow, and notice the feeling, the sensation.

Put your full attention on the left lower arm. Slowly moving down from the elbow to the wrist, all around, spot by spot; notice, let go, and move on to the next spot, on the skin or under the skin, surface or deep inside. Come close to your own feelings, to your own sensations.

Move your attention to the left wrist, all around. Notice pulsing, pounding, contracting, touching.

Next concentrate on the back of the left hand, from the wrist to where the fingers join. Put your attention on the palm of the left hand, from the wrist to where the fingers join. Focus your attention on the bottom of the five fingers of the left hand. Slowly move along the fingers to their tips. Have your full attention on the five tips and then make a mind movement outward, from the tips out into the room.

Put your full attention on the right shoulder. Slowly moving from the neck along the top of the shoulder to where the right arm joins. Notice each spot: heavy, contracted, knotted, tense, relaxed, burdened, painful, grief, anger, resistance, anything at all. Notice it, let go, and move on to the next spot.

Move your attention to the right upper arm. Slowly move down from the shoulder to the elbow, all around the right upper arm. Spot after spot, on the skin or under the skin: hardness, softness, warmth, cold, touch, movement, stillness.

Concentrate on the right elbow. Let everything else go; pay attention only to that small area, and notice what it feels like: tingly, contracted, electric.

Place your attention on the right lower arm. Slowly move down from the elbow to the wrist, all around: soft, hard, pleasant, tingling.

Put your full attention on the right wrist, all around. Notice the surface or deep inside.

Next move your attention to the back of the right hand, from the wrist to where the fingers join. Put your attention on the palm of the right hand, from the wrist to where the fingers join. Focus your full attention on the bottom of the five fingers of the right hand. Slowly move along the fingers to the tips. Keep your full attention on the five tips and make a mind movement outward, from the tips into the room.

Put your full attention on the left side of the front of the trunk.

Slowly move down from the left shoulder to the waist, touching upon each spot as you move your attention. Notice feeling or sensation: restriction, expansion, stabbing, poking, heaviness, lightness, tingling, hardness, softness, rejection, resistance, worry, fear; whatever comes to the surface, notice, let go, and move to the next spot.

Move your attention to the right side of the front of the trunk, slowly moving down from the right shoulder to the waist, touching upon each spot with full awareness.

Put your full attention on the waistline in front. Notice the sensation: tightness, looseness. Slowly move from the waist to the groin, down the lower part of the trunk, spot after spot, being aware of sensation, feeling, letting go, and moving to the next spot, becoming aware of what each spot feels like.

Put your attention on the left side of the back, slowly moving down from the shoulder to the waist, paying attention to each spot, becoming aware of the sensation and feeling, letting go and noticing the next spot: tension, knottiness, worry, heaviness, touch, warmth, movement, hardness, softness, tingling.

Put your full attention on the right side of the back, slowly moving down from the shoulder to the waist, with full awareness on each spot.

Put your full attention on the waistline at the back: contracted, expanded, cramped, poking, stabbing. Starting at the waistline, slowly move down to the left buttock as far as where the leg joins. Notice spot after spot, on the skin, under the skin, deep inside, or on the surface; be aware of sensation or feeling. Notice, let go, move to the next spot: heaviness, touch, pressure.

Move to the right side of the waist at the back. Slowly shift your attention down to the right buttock, to where the right leg joins. Notice each spot, each sensation.

Concentrate on the right thigh. Slowly move down from the groin to the knee, all around, noticing pressure, touch, unpleasantness, stabbing, poking. Notice, drop it, and go on to the next spot.

Concentrate on the right knee, all around, outside, inside.

Place your attention on the right lower leg. Slowly move down from the knee to the ankle, all around, getting to know each spot.

Put your attention on the right ankle. Notice pressure, touch, hardness, softness.

Have your full attention on the right heel, a small area. Let everything else go, just be there.

Put your full attention on the sole of the right foot, from the heel to where the toes join. Be aware of each spot. Notice sensation or feeling: smoothness, roughness, warmth, touch, stabbing, pulling.

Put your attention on the top of the right foot, from the ankle to where the toes join, spot by spot, noticing inside or outside. Put your full attention on the base of the five toes of the right foot. Slowly move along the toes to their tips. Put your full attention on the five tips and make a mind movement outward, from the tips into the room.

Next move your attention to the left thigh. Slowly move down from the groin to the knee, all around the left thigh, spot by spot. Notice, let go, and move to the next spot.

Put your full attention on the left knee, all around, inside, outside, fully aware of feelings and sensations.

Concentrate on the left lower leg. Slowly move down from the knee to the ankle, all around. Notice pressure, heaviness, solidity, hardness, touch, poking, stabbing, tingling. Whatever it may be, notice it, drop it, and move to the next spot.

Put your full attention on the left ankle, all around. Notice touch, pressure, resistance, rejection.

Move your attention to the left heel, a small area. Let everything else go. Be only there.

Put your full attention on the sole of the left foot. Slowly move from the heel to where the toes join. Notice each spot: pressure, touch, warmth.

Put your full attention on the top of the left foot, from the ankle to where the toes join, spot by spot, noticing, being fully aware. Move your attention to the base of the five toes of the left foot. Slowly move along the toes to their tips. Put your full attention on the five tips. Make a mind movement outward, from the tips into the room.

This method of meditation is often called vipassanā, but that is actually a misnomer, because vipassanā means “insight.” A method cannot claim insight; insight develops from clarity of mind. Therefore, we commonly call it “sweeping,” though we mustn’t think of a broom in this connection. The “sweeping” we have just done is called “part by part.”

In one aspect, this is a method of purification. Because the whole of the Buddha’s path is one of purification, anything we can use to help us along is a welcome aid. This method of purification is quite specific, as becomes clear when we remember that our physical reactions to our emotions are constant and immediate, and we are unable ever to stop them. If we are happy, which is an emotion, we are likely to smile or laugh. If we are unhappy, we are likely to cry, to make an unhappy face, or to frown. If we are angry, we may become red in the face or rigid. If we feel anxiety, maybe in heavy city traffic, our shoulders contract; there are very few people who do not have tension in their shoulders. It is immaterial which emotion is linked to a particular part of the body.

Our emotional reactions have no other way of manifesting themselves than through our body. Since birth, we have been dealing with our emotions in this manner, or maybe we could say “misdealing.” The body has always reacted and has eventually retained some of these reactions in the form of tensions and blockages. This meditation method has the potential for removing blockages, or at least rendering them somewhat less obstructive, depending on the strength of our concentration, and also on our karma.

Imagine for a moment that some people have been living in this room for the past thirty years, and have never cleaned it up. They have left remains of food, excrement, dirty clothes, and dirty dishes, and have never swept the floor. By now the place is dirty and messy from floor to ceiling. Then a friend comes along and says to the occupants, “Why don’t you sweep at least a little corner where you can sit down comfortably?” Our friends who are living here do that and find that the clean little corner is far more comfortable than their previous situation, although they couldn’t have imagined that before cleaning it up. Now they are motivated to clean up the whole place. They find that they can now see out of the windows, and the whole prospect of living in this place has become much more pleasant. Of course, a person living here could have moved somewhere else when the mess became too unmanageable, but we are all stuck with our body. We can’t move away from it. We can change our living quarters many times in one lifetime—from the city to the country, from an apartment to a house, from being with friends to being alone, from one country to another—but our body always accompanies us. It is our permanent abode until it breaks up and dies, and crumbles to dust. While we still have our body we may as well try to do our best with it, because otherwise it is a bother and a disruption in our meditation. It does all sorts of things we don’t want it to do.

When we take a shower or a bath, all we can do is to wash our skin. We all know that we consist of more than just skin, yet that is all that we ever clean. Day after day, we have nice, clean skin and probably clean hair too. That’s about all we accomplish. The vipassanā method in its first application can be likened to an internal shower. What the mind has put in through emotional reactions, the mind can remove by letting go.

Letting go is the open secret of purification. Every time we move from one place in the body to the next, we have let go of whatever arose in the previous spot. In the end we let go through our fingertips and our toes out into the room, because there is no longer any other body part to which we can move. We are thereby cleaning up, taking an internal shower, removing some of the inner blockages. Since this is a great help physically, our minds also feel more at ease. We don’t have as many difficulties with the body any more, and we can use our mental energies unhampered by discomfort.

This technique also has a healing quality. Anyone with some concentration can easily get rid of a headache, or even backache. Some sicknesses that are deeply rooted will be more difficult to eradicate, and indeed may be impossible to get rid of. But minor difficulties that are not chronic can be removed fairly easily. The technique has, however, many more possibilities.

One of its important aspects is that we learn to let go of feelings, so that we need not react. Feelings comprise physical sensations and emotions. The only doorway in the whole of worldly dependent arising through which we can step out of the wheel of birth and death is not to react to feelings, thereby letting go of craving. Craving always means “wanting to have” or “wanting to get rid of.” We don’t have to be addicts in the usual sense of the word; it’s enough to want to keep or renew, destroy or reject. Here we have a method by which we can actually become aware of feelings, without any reaction being necessary. Even if anger arises, this is one occasion when we know with certainty that nobody has caused it. It has arisen, and this may be the first time in our life that we are aware of anger arising without any outside trigger. The same applies to grief, worry, fear, or any of our other emotions.

This method also gives us an opportunity to become aware of sensations that at times are unpleasant. If we drop them and move our attention to the next part of our body, we perform exactly the same action—namely, nonreaction to an unpleasant sensation by letting go of rejection. We are letting go by putting our attention elsewhere.

This method teaches us to deal with all our feelings with equanimity. We can tell ourselves over and over again that this is the only way to deal with emotions, and yet without training, we won’t be able to follow through with it. Understanding—being intellectually aware—is the first step, but unless we have a way of practice, we can’t learn that or any other skill.

I like to compare our emotions to a child’s toy, a jack-in-the-box, which consists of a little doll mounted on a spring inside a box. The child just needs to touch the lid of the box lightly, and the little doll jumps out. Then someone pulls the little doll right out of the box. When the child now touches the lid, the doll won’t appear. So the child gets a hammer and pounds on the lid, but the doll still won’t come out. This is what is happening inside us. All our emotions are embedded in our hearts. We only need the slightest trigger, to be touched lightly, and anger or fear or passion jump out. When these are eventually gone, even pounding with a hammer will not induce them to reappear.

The purification we are aiming for needs a pathway. Naturally, we can practice in our daily lives where we are so often confronted by emotional reactions, but a method of meditation is an enormous aid and support system. First of all, this is because there is no outer “trigger,” and it therefore becomes quite obvious that it is all happening within us. In the peace and quiet of meditation practice it is also much easier not to react than in the immediacy of confrontation—in the heat of the battle, so to speak.

Here we also have a method of gaining insight in various ways. During the guided meditation I mentioned hardness, warmth, movement. All bodies consist of the four primary elements, and these can easily be experienced in this particular meditation method. The primary elements are earth, water, fire, and air. Earth is the element of solidity, the hardness that we can feel when we touch the body, or when the body touches the cushion, floor, or chair. The water element is not only saliva, urine, sweat, and blood, but also the binding element. When we take some flour and pour water into it, it becomes dough. That is why about seventy-eight percent of our body is made up of water. If that were not so, all our parts would move about separately. We would look somewhat peculiar, but we might not have such a strong ego sense if we could actually observe all our separate cells. Water keeps our body together. The fire element is temperature; our body feels warm, cold, or medium. Then there is air, which is the winds in the body—the breath, and all physical movement.

When we experience any or all of these elements within us, we have a very good opportunity to relate that experience to everything around us. Everything that exists consists of these four elements, and each one of them contains the other three in varying proportions. For instance, water has to have solidity, otherwise we could neither swim in it nor paddle a boat over it. Even air has solidity, otherwise birds and airplanes couldn’t fly. Gaining insight into ourselves as consisting of these elements helps us to realize that we are no different from our environment. No matter where we look, we find the elements of earth, fire, water, and air. As we fix our attention on this reality, our feeling of separation will diminish, giving us a greater sense of being part of the whole manifestation in this universe. We can feel embedded in this totality and no longer threatened by other people, or by natural or manmade catastrophes. We are part of the whole, the whole is part of us; there is no separation, no alienation.

The more we can live in this realization, the easier it is to purify our emotions with loving-kindness. When we no longer feel separated from others, a single unit among so many, but see only one universal manifestation, it becomes much easier to have loving-kindness for others, because essentially we are directing it toward ourselves.

When we observe ourselves in the light of the four primary elements, we also lose some of our deeply ingrained ego consciousness, which is the cause of each and every problem that can ever arise. It is impossible to find the attribute “me” in a combination of earth, water, fire, and air. Therefore, a contemplative inquiry into these aspects of ourselves can yield far-reaching results.

We all know about impermanence and have probably heard the word many times. There are few people in the world who will argue about impermanence, whether they are practicing a particular spiritual discipline or not. We could probably ask our postman or the man in the corner shop whether everything is impermanent, and they would surely agree that it is so. We all agree, but we have to experience impermanence before it makes an impact on us, and even then, that is not always enough. But the more often we do experience impermanence, the more often our mind turns from the ordinary way of thinking to the Dhamma way, which is a turnabout of 180 degrees. The latter is the reason why we have great difficulty in thinking about and living in the way of the Dhamma. But eventually, if we persevere long enough, are determined enough, and receive a little help on the way, it is possible. As we turn away from worldly thinking, impermanence becomes one of the outstanding features in everything we experience. In this meditation method we focus on the impermanence of every feeling and every sensation, and on their arising and cessation.

Not only do we experience their impermanence, but we also realize that we can only know whatever we fix our attention on. If we take that realization into our daily affairs, life becomes much easier. We do not have to put our attention on things that are troublesome, making life difficult for ourselves. When we experience negativity, we do not need to keep that in our consciousness. We are free to move our attention to that which is absolutely true, namely impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and corelessness. Or we can relate to the pure emotions of loving-kindness, compassion, joy with others, and equanimity. It is entirely up to us where our attention is focused. As an outcome of meditation we learn that we can choose what to think, which is a new and valuable approach to our states of mind. This is also how we can eventually change our consciousness into Dhamma consciousness at all times. We will have learned to let go of those thoughts that are not in line with absolute truth.

The impermanence of our feelings and sensations, experienced during meditation, should give rise to insight into the impermanent nature of our whole being. That this body seems so solid in its form and shape is just a manifestation of the earth element, and is actually nothing but an optical illusion. When we experience feelings and sensations as totally impermanent, knowing that we usually live reacting to them, we begin to see ourselves as a little less solid than before, and may begin to question where “me” can be found within this constant change. This gives us an opportunity to place less importance on our feelings, just as we learn to consider our thoughts less important when we label them in meditation practice and see of how little use they are—that they are actually unsatisfactory, because they are constantly moving, changing, and disturbing.

Most people react automatically to their emotions and justify it by asserting that it is simply how they feel. We’ve all done that. There are bumper stickers in America that proclaim, “If it feels good, it must be right.” That’s not only foolish but dangerous.

We can see from all this how much importance is attached to feelings. As long as our consciousness has not yet become Dhamma consciousness, we will all fall into that trap. Now we have an opportunity for a new approach. Feelings are impermanent and entirely dependent upon where we fix our attention. How can they have any real significance beyond their rise and decline? Naturally, we won’t always remember to adopt this new approach, but at least we have a method for dealing with our emotions that will eventually become part of our being. When we sit quietly and nothing is happening, it is easier to learn new methods for dealing with ourselves. In fact, it is not difficult at all to let go of one feeling and attend to another. But we need to be able to take that ability into the office and the kitchen when somebody scolds us, or demands attention. When we have done it over and over again in meditation, it becomes just as easy to do it in the office or the kitchen. We no longer have to be trapped by our feelings and by our reactions to them.

This attitude brings us to that point in dependent arising that is the doorway out of the realm of birth and death: namely, the practice of equanimity in response to feelings, instead of the customary “like” and “dislike,” more succinctly called “greed” and “hate.” Through awareness we will learn to make the right kind of choice. If we choose Dhamma, we will find ease and harmony within.

QUESTIONS

STUDENT: Are you saying that if you have an itch in your eye, for instance, and then turn your attention to your fingers, you would not feel that itch in your eye?

AYYA KHEMA: If you have enough concentration to drop the itch and attend to your fingers, yes. We often do that in meditation. If there is an itch somewhere, and we realize it is occupying our thoughts, we take our attention off it and go back to concentrating on the breath. If we are able to stay with the breath, the itch will take care of itself. We certainly all have the potential to learn this skill.

S: Should this meditation always be done in the order that you described, starting from the top and going through each part like that?

AK: Yes. Starting from the top and going down to the feet would be the natural progression. But you don’t have to try to remember whether right or left arm comes first; that doesn’t matter.

S: A question came up about meditating while emotionally upset, and you replied that that was difficult to do and that it would be better to make a contemplative exploration of where the emotions came from. Suppose emotions arise while following this method; are you saying that by moving on, anger (or whatever emotion it is) would simply be left behind? Because the attention is no longer on that place, would the emotion also pass?

AK: Yes, it would. However, it is very common for us to react. The anger may become the focus of attention, and one is unable to let go. We need to drop the whole emotional entanglement and go on to the next spot. Dropping is letting go, and the same emotional response may never arise again. If it is very deep seated, it may arise a second time. In that case we repeat the mental action of letting go. At such a time there is no need to investigate the origin of emotion.

S: The method is to let go and move on to the next spot, keeping our attention on the method, so that we do not focus on anger or other emotions?

AK: We must fully acknowledge that anger has come up, then let it go, and move on to the next spot. Sometimes it may take a while to be able to let go.

S: This may be off the point, but it also has to do with strong emotions. Speaking of anger, I’ve noticed that, although one can drop the thoughts so as not to pay attention to the “trigger,” there can still be some residue that seems to want to give birth to the same thoughts again. It’s like energy, or a physical feeling.

AK: It’s an inner irritation; we have been stirred up and haven’t smoothed that out yet. Here the same would also apply: take the attention off that irritated feeling, and instead put it on a feeling of loving-kindness for oneself or for someone for whom one can easily feel loving-kindness. In other words, change the focus of attention. If we keep our attention on the irritation, it may actually give rise to anger again. We need to realize that this is not wholesome, so we will substitute.

S: It sounds a bit like when a young child is crying, and all one has to do is tell the child to look somewhere else, and the child drops the whole matter. So are you saying that we are the same?

AK: Yes.

S: I would like to ask you which aspects of your talk you feel would be most useful in terms of our daily lives and working situations. I am always really tense, which often comes from doing a lot of hard physical labor. I was wondering if you would suggest working with this method to relieve tension.

AK: Do you feel physically tense because you have mental tension?

S: No, but I find that when I do get emotionally tense it is much harder to relax if I’ve been working hard.

AK: The best use you can make of this method is to follow it every day; I would like to suggest to everyone to use this method at least once a day. We need this internal purification regularly, like taking a shower every morning. If your concentration on this method is better than concentration on the breath, use it in all your meditation sittings. Methods are methods by any name. The concentration that comes with this method brings us to the same point that concentration on the breath does.

You can acknowledge the feeling that arises in you, which you call tension, and then take your mind off that and put it on loving-kindness, compassion, or joy with others, which means dropping the tension. If you don’t feel love for yourself, use a person you are really fond of, or share joy with somebody who has just had good fortune or someone who feels compassion for everybody’s suffering.

When tension takes over, you can also investigate its cause. The most likely cause is fear. When we know the cause, we can try to eliminate the underlying reasons. That is a contemplative effort, not particularly connected with this method, but also very useful.

S: Where does this method of meditation come from?

AK: This is a method that we could call mindfulness of feeling, the second base of mindfulness. It has been transmitted to us through Burmese teachers and meditation centers. These methods are an elaboration of what the Buddha taught.

S: When I delve into my emotions, I don’t accept or reject them. In the Tibetan tradition, we say that thought and emotion are self-liberating. They are not seen as something obstructive.

AK: The recognition of them without reaction is self-liberating.

S: Yes, that’s right. It may take a while to reach that point because we may be knocked off the track. On one hand, we are talking about vipassanā, which seems like a great contemplation exercise in which we can examine our emotions and their causes, and try to get down to the essence in that way. And on the other, we are actually practicing awareness. I am trying to clarify all these little aspects of your tradition and our [Tibetan] tradition, and to be clear about what they mean.

AK: May I suggest that you just take in what you hear, and try to practice. Having practiced, you won’t have the problem you are having now. After a few days the answers will be quite clear to you, because you’ve actually experienced them. Afterward you can easily bring the two traditions together.

The next time we sit, everybody can use this method on their own, and then you will have a clearer idea of what it means to become aware of feelings and sensations, and letting go of them. Use your own pace when going through the body by yourself. Did anyone have no feelings or sensations at all?

S: I had pain…in my back and in my chest; a lot of pain. But it has been there all the time. I am kind of aware of it anyway.

AK: Can you feel your lips on top of one another?

S: Yes. I felt physically aware of all the parts of my body, but nothing else came up. I have too much pain; I can’t feel anything other than the pain.

AK: You are unable to let go of the pain, even for a moment? S: I have been trying for two days now.

AK: Is your pain constant? When you get up, is it still there?

S: Well, it’s still there, but the longer I sit, the worse it gets. So then I carry it around with me.

AK: When you sit down, do you get the pain immediately?

S: Not immediately. It just gets worse and worse the longer I sit.

AK: I would suggest that you practice this method early in the morning, and continue with it as long as you can. If there’s that much pain, you won’t be able to pay attention to the breath either. I will show you something specific that will either make the pain bearable or eliminate it.

S: I got a headache when we were practicing this method.

AK: Headaches can be of two kinds. One kind develops when one tries too hard, and the effort creates tension. The other kind of headache comes if one thinks too much, instead of meditating.

S: That happens with me. I get slight headaches because in order to facilitate the process, I imagine the back or the palm of my hand. And my concentration is on the imagined image and not on my actual back or hand.

AK: That’s a very complicated process.

S: Yes; I do it automatically, and I know it’s not what I am supposed to be doing. How can I stop it? I suppose I have a visual mind that just jumps to it.

AK: Can’t you put your visual mind on the hand as it really is?

S: I do that sometimes, but the image jumps back. There’s this leap back and forth, from feeling and sensation, and also this energy…

AK: Yes. I understand what you are experiencing, but it’s unusual, because most people with visual minds can first visualize and then get the feeling. When there is no feeling, that’s when the image jumps back into your mind.

S: It’s electric—it happens so quickly. As soon as I move on from spot to spot, I could jump back into another image instead of on to the spot, so I am always constructing the image.

AK: Couldn’t you visualize your body parts as if you were painting them on a canvas right at the place where the part is? Try doing that, and stay with the body part to get the feeling.

S: I think I know what you mean. I am experimenting with this, with enveloping my actual body parts with my image of them. But sometimes that dissolves into concentrating on the top of my hand, or whatever.

AK: That’s much too complicated. Use a straightforward approach. You know where your body is and what it looks like. You have a visual mind, so get it to visualize an arm as it really is, then go along that arm as it really is, and experience the feeling. You are complicating your meditation quite unnecessarily.

S: Can this particular practice be done lying down?

AK: When you wake up, you’ll know why not! That would be conducive to going to sleep.

S: My problem is that when I want to do this, I tend to stray. My thoughts just lead me astray. I pull them back and start again from the head, but I hardly ever complete the whole body.

AK: When you become distracted and then resume the meditation, always go back to approximately where you stopped. Do not start with the head over and over again.

S: Isn’t there a Theravāda method in which, instead of diverting the attention, you actually put one-pointed attention on the feeling, whether it’s physical pain or anger?

AK: The Buddha taught that first we learn to substitute, and when we don’t need to substitute any longer we are able to drop anger or pain immediately. The third stage is when anger gradually subsides to the point where there is no anger left within us. First substitution, then dropping, and then gradual purification. The Buddha also taught that the more often we allow ourselves to be angry, the deeper the ruts of anger will be in the mind; it becomes therefore more and more difficult to eliminate it because it is so deeply embedded. The minute anger arises, we should deal with it as best we can.

S: I was unable to move from point to point. I didn’t have the concentration. I was only able to concentrate as far as the head. Then I was angry because of my lack of skill, and the anger became the focus.

AK: Were you able to drop the anger?

S: No.

AK: Did you keep it all the way through the meditation?

S: Yes…I think so.

AK: Did you find a scapegoat, somebody whose fault this was?

S: I blamed myself; I was the scapegoat.

AK: That is just as unwholesome as it is to blame someone else. The idea is to accept the anger and be able to substitute a wholesome emotion.

S: I didn’t think of that.

AK: In order for the method to work, we have to remember how to do it.

S: Would you substitute loving-kindness right in the middle of meditation?

AK: Yes. When you are unable to substitute attention on the subject of meditation, anger must be replaced by loving-kindness as quickly as possible. In order to benefit from the Buddha’s teachings, we need to take three steps. We need to first obtain the instructions, then remember them, and finally put them into practice. Having done that, we gain insight from our practice.

Did anybody feel nauseated during the guided meditation? It is one of the strongest reactions one can get and results from good concentration.

S: I thought I was going to vomit, actually.

AK: Nobody ever does, but the feeling of wanting to vomit is a significant cleansing, comparable to carrying a lot of rubbish outside all at once. It will most likely not occur again. It is considered a very distinctive aspect of purification. Did anybody have not only sensations but also emotional feelings?

S: I didn’t feel anger, but a sense of great space and sadness.

AK: That’s very useful, because the more these buried emotions come out, the more they dissolve into nothingness. When they remain within, they coalesce into difficulties. The more we clean out, the less burdened we become.

S: I felt that my two sides were different—not exactly a division between them, just different. One side seemed very spacious, the other seemed flat.

AK: When you use this method again, investigate whether you feel anything that might be a barrier. If you do, I will tell you how to deal with it.

S: I feel volume everywhere.

AK: We always need to differentiate between thinking and feeling. How do we feel volume? We can feel solidity and compactness. We can feel hardness, or even size. We can have an actual feeling of dimension. Some people don’t feel anything on their skin; they have to start with touch, such as the touch of their clothes. Then feeling the skin follows, and later they can feel what is within, such as softness or hardness, or other sensations. When we feel size, there is a boundary, and there is content of various modes.

S: I keep going from the feeling to my image of it. That’s my problem. I jump back and forth. I am aware of my arm, and at the same time I am aware of the image I have in my mind.

AK: Increased concentration will solve that.

S: I think that I am impatient. I want to finish.

AK: You might have a notion of achievement, which is quite common. We do the best we can and have as much awareness as possible, that’s all. There is nothing to achieve, not even anything to finish. There is no right or wrong; there is only knowing.