Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to read is a perfect example of the perfect guest on a talk show. At the time of this interview, I believed strongly that I had found the format for the rest of my career. The ratings would prove me wrong, I’m sorry to say.
However, after thousands of hours of interviews of human beings who have something unusual in their lives—don’t we all—this young lady, with her southern accent and completely natural delivery, represents the most perfect guest and the most enjoyable. Not narcissistic. Not arrogant. Just the most fantastic guest.
And so I am proud to present to you my most perfect moment as a television talk show host. (I leave out the game show part because I think that’s what caused the cancellation.)
Bill Cosby: Marcia Brody.
Bill Cosby: How are you?
Marcia Brody: I’m fine.
Bill Cosby: Cheltenham, Pennsylvania.
Marcia Brody: That’s right.
Bill Cosby: Born?
Marcia Brody: No, I’m originally from North, South Carolina.
Bill Cosby: That’s what I thought. Yeah, I don’t know too many people from Cheltenham that talk like that.
Marcia Brody: Well, I lived over twenty-five years down south.
Bill Cosby: What was the name of the place?
Marcia Brody: North.
Bill Cosby: Nowith?
Marcia Brody: No. N-o-r-t-h. North. It’s in South Carolina. In South Carolina, it’s a little town called Due West. And North—
Bill Cosby: Wait, wait, slow down. In what—North Carolina?
Marcia Brody: No, South Carolina. In South Carolina, there’s a little town called Due West. And North is ninety miles southeast of Due West. That’s right. North is south of the capital, Columbia. You understand?
Bill Cosby: I was doing fine until you came out here. Then you started talking and I got lost. And I’m not in a car and I didn’t care to go anywhere. Now you have me someplace I have no idea where I am. I’m in the town North south of Due West.
Marcia Brody: No, no.
Bill Cosby: Well, where am I?
Marcia Brody: It’s North, comma, South Carolina.
Bill Cosby: In North South Carolina.
Marcia Brody: North, comma, South Carolina.
Bill Cosby: Comma is the name?
Marcia Brody: No, no! You put a comma in between North and South Carolina.
Bill Cosby: I’m in the state of South Carolina…
Marcia Brody: Right, right.
Bill Cosby: But I’m in a city called North?
Marcia Brody: It’s not a city; it’s a town.
Bill Cosby: A town. Okay, let me ask you this. Where is the railroad?
Marcia Brody: Oh, the railroad is right in the middle of the town.
Bill Cosby: That’s right. Now, stop there. Now, where are the black people?
Marcia Brody: I don’t know. I mean they’re all around, I guess. I don’t know.
Bill Cosby: They’re not all around. They’re either on this side of the track or that side of the track. Are we Due North or southwest?
Marcia Brody: You’re in North.
Bill Cosby: I’m in North.
Marcia Brody: Right, South Carolina.
Bill Cosby: Here we go again.
Marcia Brody: Anyway…
Bill Cosby: No, there’s no anyway. I’m sitting in my car and I’m lost. I want to find my people. And you’re trying to give me directions. Now, okay, let’s put it this way. Where is the river?
Marcia Brody: Which river?
Bill Cosby: Is there an East River?
Marcia Brody: I don’t know.
Bill Cosby: Is there a West River?
Marcia Brody: I don’t even know where the river is.
Bill Cosby: Now I know how you wound up in Cheltenham.
Marcia Brody: Anyway, I come from a family of seven children and five of us are living and we’re all grandparents. So we all like to know what’s happening with everybody else. So I put out a family paper three times a year.
Bill Cosby: Do you have a sports column?
Marcia Brody: No, but you’ll be the headlines on my next paper. Oh, my goodness! Yeah!
Bill Cosby: Why don’t you just send them the video?
Marcia Brody: What video? What kind of video?
Bill Cosby: The video of this show. You make a video of it.
Marcia Brody: I don’t have a video of it.
Bill Cosby: No. You’re correct. We don’t have one yet.
Marcia Brody: Yeah. What? Are you making one?
Bill Cosby: Yeah. I’m going to make a video for you. And then you can—
Marcia Brody: Oh. Well, I have three sisters in South Carolina and I have a brother in Mississippi.
Bill Cosby: You got a pen?
Marcia Brody: Three sisters in South Carolina. A brother in Mississippi.
Bill Cosby: What part of South Carolina?
Marcia Brody: One’s in Charleston. One’s in Beaufort. One’s in Bishopville. Then I have a brother in Mississippi.
Bill Cosby: What part?
Marcia Brody: Oxford. You want to send it… you want to send it to all my nieces and nephews?
Bill Cosby: No, no, it’s too many of them. I’m not sending to the grandchildren either. See, I’ll just make it up for the ones in Charleston, Beaufort, and Bishop.
Bill Cosby: Okay.
Marcia Brody: And don’t forget my brother in Mississippi.
Bill Cosby: No, Oxford, I got that.
Marcia Brody: Okay, then how about my son in New Jersey? He lives near Trenton.
Bill Cosby: How did you get somebody in New Jersey?
Marcia Brody: Oh, he’s the one that made me the grandmother.
Bill Cosby: Ah! How do you like that?
Marcia Brody: Oh, it’s nice. Really is nice.
Bill Cosby: They drop the baby off?
Marcia Brody: Where?
And so there you have it. The perfect onetime conversation. And I say “onetime conversation” because I don’t know what other subjects she could discuss if we brought her back. And, in fact, nobody said—maybe because the show didn’t last that long—we’ve got to have her back on the show. Then she would come back and it would be a nightmare because she would not be as wonderful as before. What she did the first time created an unbeatable mark, whether you’re high-jumping or doing the limbo.
But I do believe it is great that we did this one thing together.
