In this chapter we will explore:
Like so many people, I grew up watching Hollywood films and similarly sanitised fairy tales – most of which present true love as the cure to all ills. While I’ve been relieved to see some of the stereotypes (particularly in gender norms) change over time, the notion of romantic love – that there is one person out there for you who will understand and complete you – prevails. Yet there are many different types of love, and therefore love lost …
Olivia was heartbroken – utterly grief-stricken from the breakdown of a long-term relationship. But it might not be the kind of break-up that first comes to mind – Olivia wasn’t let down by her knight in shining armour; she was experiencing a profound sense of loss from a friendship break-up. Here’s what Olivia had to say about her Tiny T Love:
I feel so silly even bringing this up. I know it shouldn’t be such a big deal but when you asked me to think about something that had changed me, this is it. And I just can’t seem to get over it.
A couple of years ago I had this close female friend – we spent a lot of time together and would definitely WhatsApp or chat every day. I was going through IVF at the time and her support was amazing to me as the treatment didn’t work out, and that has been a whole ’nother journey for me. So, this is the thing I can’t get my head around – that was a big deal, a huge loss and one which I’ve had to adjust to, that’s wreaked havoc on my life, but I feel ok with it now, I found some peace with it. What I’m finding so difficult to get over, and why I’ve come to you, is that this friend – who I thought of as a true friend – became pregnant after all this and didn’t tell me. I found out from a post on Facebook where another one of her friends mentioned it – she hadn’t posted a scan or anything like that. And it crushed me, absolutely crushed me – not that she was having a baby, I was thrilled for her, but that she hadn’t told me, and I had to find out like that. I can’t describe how painful this was and it still bothers me – I don’t feel like I can trust anyone any more and I don’t go out and meet people, no one new anyway. And I can’t talk about it to anyone because even as I’m saying these words, I think most people would assume I’m just bitter and jealous – but I promise you I’m not, I just feel devasted that I was talking to her all that time, and she didn’t mention it. So now we really don’t even speak.
This description of Tiny T is classic – we know deep down that something had affected us but disregard the trauma as unworthy of attention and compassion, or feel that negative judgements and assumptions will be made by others. And as has been mentioned throughout this book, Tiny Ts are cumulative and often act as dominoes – one Tiny T can instigate a cascade of thoughts and actions that keep us from progressing in our lives. In Olivia’s case, we began by exploring whether her friend’s omission about her pregnancy would be perceived as a betrayal, but she herself questioned the validity of this: ‘It wasn’t like we were a couple, and she was cheating on me or anything.’ But there are many types of love, all of which can cause us heartache and trigger a sense of betrayal.
Focus on Tiny T: Betrayal trauma
When we have been betrayed by someone it can feel as if the ground is suddenly pulled from under our feet – what we believed was a solid basis of trust and security is shattered and it can have a major effect on an individual. The emotional pain that emanates after a betrayal can feel as acute as a physical injury and leave enduring psychological scars if not processed properly.
Betrayal trauma can occur in childhood, which is a key time for the establishment of attachment. In psychological terms, if early-life caregiving is inconsistent or neglectful this can result in an insecure attachment style that can make it hard for people later in life to form emotional bonds in a number of ways. However, betrayal trauma can also occur later in life, in romantic relationships, close friendships and within grown-up families too. We often only think of betrayal in terms of our romantic partners but breaches of trust in other close relationships can have just as much impact as infidelity.
In this sense, betrayal trauma can be associated with many incidents, including disloyalty, lying, cheating (physical or emotional), gossiping, or other behaviours that damage the bonds of a relationship. This is because in evolutionary terms we are social creatures that rely on our groups for safety, security and survival. In this day and age, we may not necessarily need others to fend off dangerous predators, but we are still hardwired in the same way as early humans. This is why a betrayal can feel so overwhelming, as it is a perceived threat to survival.
Like Olivia, we often think that the only love that really matters is the glamorised romantic type of love – the falling into someone’s arms and immediately feeling like you’re home, the ‘you had me at hello’, the love at first sight, ‘the one’. But this understanding of love does a significant disservice to our emotional wellbeing as there are many types of love connection.
Within philosophy, theology, mythology and popular consciousness there are categories of love – some commentators cite four, others seven – all of which can help us understand the intricacies of our relationships. These are partly just for fun, as the below categories aren’t used in psychology so much, but they are useful sociocultural information as you will see these various love types portrayed over and over again in film, art, music and other media that we all consume on a daily basis:
Eros (romantic love) – did you ever wonder where the phrase ‘falling in love’ came from? In Greek mythology, the little cherub that we now call Cupid was originally named Eros, the god of romantic, sexual love. With his golden arrows, cheeky Cupid could bring about this intense, passionate form of love – so fervent in its yearning, it was seen as a kind of madness, leading to the fall of Troy in the infamous case of Helen and Paris.55 Hence, when the arrow strikes, this irrational type of lust and wanting possession of another can lead to our downfall too.
Philia (friendship) – this is a type of friendship-based love that centres on aspiring for the best in another person’s life. This form of shared goodwill is equitable and founded on a firm sense of trust and companionship. Philia can be part of a sexual partnership or a platonic relationship. We often think about this type of companionship love as coming after Eros in romantic relationships, but it can come first too and lead to increased self-awareness, authenticity and insight. This type of true friendship is believed to protect both physical and mental health in the form of positive social support.
Storge (familial love) – pronounced ‘store-jay’, this type of love is all about the family and is the unconditional love that parents have for their children. Storge is similar to Philia in that the giver wants only good things for the recipient, but it is asymmetrical as children are by their nature egocentric and cannot offer in return this type of caregiving love. This kind of love is vital for species survival, as babies and children need to be loved and cared for regardless of behaviour that probably wouldn’t be acceptable in other relationship dynamics.
Agape (love for the world) – this is universal love, for instance love for humankind, the natural world or a religious love for one’s god. A central characteristic of Agape is altruism, helping others without any expectation of return, and so it is seen as a selfless type of love.
I find these categories of love useful to help us move away from the notion that love is all about ‘the one’. Indeed, we have many ‘ones’ throughout life, in all of the above groups, which means that we needn’t succumb to the Hollywoodified pressure of locating our Prince (or Princess – interesting that there isn’t yet a non-binary version of this!) Charming who will magically make everything alright in our lives.
Focus on Tiny T – toxic friends
Just like romantic and family relationships, friendships can also be toxic – but we usually discuss this much less than toxic partnerships, which is why it’s a tell-tale Tiny T. Not all friendships end because they are toxic, so sometimes it can be tricky to see if the relationship has soured, especially when it’s happened gradually over a lengthy period of time. Here are some key signs, red flags if you will, that your friendship may have become unhealthy:
Toxic friends can drain your self-esteem, confidence and emotional energy so it is worth identifying these destructive relationships in your life and removing them if appropriate (see Action below). Friendships should energise and soothe, not suck the life out of you.
When Olivia and I explored her friendship, the only issue that jumped out was breadcrumbing. This is an interesting one, as inconsistent contact can be a pink flag, rather than red flag. A pink flag is like a pre-warning signal; for example, when the petrol tank for your car is running low and lights up, but you know you still have about a quarter of a tank left to get you to a filling station. Pink flags in relationships might be the indication of toxicity, although not necessarily so, but they are signs that you need to explore in your relationship to find out for sure – just as the petrol gauge running low isn’t something to be ignored. In the case of breadcrumbing, the lack of communication and contact could be due to other factors, and so it’s always worth checking out (which we will explore later in this chapter).
For now, this gave us an important starting point for unpicking Olivia’s unique constellation of Tiny Ts. This will be different to everyone, even siblings, close friends or those we identify most with. So, to start to give us some clues, we began with the first AAA Approach phase of Awareness to uncover how Olivia loves.
Although not all Tiny Ts stem from early life, love is one area that is intrinsically linked to our formative experience of receiving care. Therefore, it’s valuable to reflect on an area that is backed by a huge volume of research: attachment style.
As babies, infants and young children we absolutely need, and completely require for our survival, someone to look after us. We’re not mammals that can walk an hour after being born or feed ourselves instantly, so this first relationship sets the scene for our perception of the world. How responsive our caregivers are to us in our early life forms what is known as our ‘attachment style’. There are different types of attachment styles that we develop from childhood, and which go on to mould how we feel about ourselves and others, and how we behave. As young children we learn about human relationships and concepts such as trust, security and the confidence to explore the world from our primary caregiver – often our mothers, but fathers, grandparents and other adults can also fill this role. This attachment is helped along by physical touch and the bonding hormone oxytocin, which soothes and comforts. The four main categories of attachment style are:
Secure attachment: This provides a person with the inner belief that others will respond and reciprocate, meaning the world is a generally safe place. Adult relationships tend to be trusting and enduring, and in all types of love true feelings are shared, hence this secure foundation allows for vulnerability. Securely attached people also find it relatively easy to seek out support when they need and have developed adaptive coping mechanisms.
Ambivalent attachment: This may develop from inconsistent experiences of love, and at times caregiving was sensitive to one’s needs, and at others there was a lack of comfort and attention. Ambivalent adult attachment can result in clinginess or neediness, where there’s an underlying worry that partners, and to some extent friends, do not really, truly care for them. This fear can make a person wary of forming bonds with others, and if bonds are forged and then broken, the intensity of a break-up can be overwhelming.
Avoidant attachment: This is where care needs have not been appropriately met and so the expectation is that others will not respond and return affection. Adults with this type of attachment may develop issues with closeness and intimacy and find it hard to be open about their feelings with loved ones. Avoidant attachment may also lead to little perceived interest in creating social and loving bonds and such a person may appear aloof to others.
Disorganised attachment: This can come from an erratic environment, swinging from intrusive to passive caregiving, which can be disturbing for an individual. This less common form of attachment may be expressed as a combination of avoidant and ambivalent traits, in a mirror of the love experienced in early years – i.e. clingy, then cold.
Factors that affect the type of attachment we develop include the quality of parenting and caregiving, but many other influences also play a part – the characteristics and traits of infants themselves can have an impact on attachment style and so it’s important to remember that this process is an interaction between child and caregiver. This explains how different children in the same family can have completely separate attachment styles. So, let’s not wholly blame the parents for our attachment style! As we’ve seen throughout this book, understanding and awareness is generally a more helpful strategy than assigning blame. Family circumstances, including major life events within the family, environment and culture, all play their part too, and even as babies we form multiple attachments that may result in differing styles.
When Olivia and I reviewed these attachment styles, she noted that overall, as a child, she had a secure attachment. She felt in general that her caregivers were responsive and reliable, and she felt supported – ‘but I wouldn’t say mum was a big hugger – if anything, she was tepid, not cold but not warm like other mothers I knew’. This was a small hint, as we all crave physical touch (see the box), so we were beginning to build up Olivia’s Tiny T canvas. I suggested that Olivia might have different forms of attachment with her mother and father, and this seemed to shine some light on the situation; she revealed that, yes, her attachment with her mother seemed more ambivalent than the secure attachment she had with her dad.
For a long time in psychological and developmental research and practice we thought that people had a single, fixed attachment style from childhood – in other words, you could only have one style and it would stay with you throughout your life. But now there is greater understanding of the complexities of the human experiences and, basically, life just isn’t like that – Tiny Ts can occur at the same time as secure foundations are being built in early life. These experiences are not mutually exclusive, which again is why Tiny T can feel so confusing – someone may feel that overall they have a secure attachment, ‘so why am I having problems?’ Furthermore, we can have different attachment styles in the different kinds of love – for example a secure attachment in Eros love, but an anxious attachment in Storge love.56 But this also offers us a great deal of hope – just as Tiny T can metamorphosise a positive type of attachment into something that makes relationships more challenging, understanding and overcoming Tiny T can transform all types of love into secure attachments. This is the power of acknowledging Tiny T in your life.
Focus on Tiny T: Skin hunger
Human touch is vital for the development of attachment. This is why newborn babies are placed on their mother’s skin after delivery, and parents are encouraged to practise skin-to-skin contact with their little ones. In Chapter 1, Harlow’s seminal work on maternal deprivation with rhesus monkeys was noted, which suggests that infants have an innate (biological) need to touch and cling to something for emotional comfort, known as ‘tactile comfort’. The comfort and perception of care that touch gives us is therefore vital for our functioning, not only when we are young but throughout life. Human touch releases the neurochemical oxytocin, sometimes called the ‘love hormone’, which helps in the bonding process. We also know that oxytocin boosts mood, increases feelings of trust and reduces the stress hormone cortisol – hence, when we engage in physical contact, such as hugging, we’re likely to feel less stressed as oxytocin rises and cortisol levels dip. Physical touch seems also to help our immune system – one study of over 400 healthy adults found that hugging boosted feelings of social support and protected against the risk of contracting a common cold.57 In those that did come down with a cold, greater frequency of hugs and perceived social support led to less severe symptoms.
However, this can produce challenges for those who live alone or need to isolate for periods of time, such as many of us experienced during the Covid-19 pandemic. It’s likely that many people developed skin hunger or ‘touch deprivation’ at this time, but research has also found that stroking and cuddling pets triggers a flood of oxytocin,58 so for people who either feel more comfortable with animals, or cannot interact with other people, physical touch with pets can also help.
We turned back to the original AAA Approach question (Chapter 1) about which aspects of life most formed who Olivia was today, and here is where the Tiny T Love Theme became clearer. Olivia revealed that, as a kid, she had moved home every couple of years as her dad was in the Forces. Although at home she did feel loved, she was aware on some level that all the moves had put a great deal of pressure on her mum – ‘perhaps that’s why she was tepid; she did have to sort everything out every time we moved and it must have been tough’. It was also hard to form friendships when you know you’ll be posted somewhere else shortly. While in some ways technology had helped, as she could stay in touch with people around the country, and indeed the world at times, it was also hard to see other kids and then teenagers carry on their lives without this disruption. Now geographically settled, Olivia felt wary of making friends, particularly female friends, but because this one mate seemed so genuine, she jumped in with heart and soul. This made the breakdown of the friendship feel so debilitating, and Olivia did recognise the ambivalent attachment type she’d developed with her mother in this situation – she felt clingy, almost desperate at the thought of losing this friend.
Furthermore, Olivia admitted that she felt a dull, aching sense of loss when she saw the post of her friend’s pregnancy, at the same time she felt a warm glow of happiness for her friend. If we think about the Emotobiome from Chapter 2, we can acknowledge that it’s possible, indeed probable, that we can experience a variety of emotions at the same time, even those that may be perceived as contradictory. Both emotions – a sense of envy and of joy at her friend’s pregnancy – were real and genuine for her.
Jealousy, envy and the greened-eyed monster
Although both jealousy and envy can feel unpleasant, there are important differences in these emotions when it comes to the green-eyed monster. Put simply, jealously is when we fear losing something that’s important to us, and is associated with other emotions such as anxiety, anger and distrust in the face of this potential loss. Envy is wishing that you possessed what someone else has, and there are two sides to envy, one of which would take this desired object or experience away from someone else in order to obtain it, and the other being that you’d just like both of you to have it. Hence, envy can create feelings of longing and inferiority (e.g. ‘What a wonderful holiday you had; I wish I could afford to get away too!’), but the darker side is that resentment can rear its head (‘He doesn’t deserve the career he has; I work so hard and should be in that position instead’).59 The latter, more negative type of envy is where the green-eyed monster phrase from Shakespeare’s Othello comes in, and this more destructive type of emotional experience can be met with both internal and external disapproval, and sometimes feelings of shame and guilt.
Overall, the difference between jealously and envy is the contrast between ‘loss’ and ‘lack’. This can be particularly evident when it comes to female friendships, where research shows biological females do tend to experience higher levels of ‘friendship jealousy’ compared to males at the prospective loss of best friends to others. In Chapter 1, we mentioned the concept of the tend-and-befriend stress response that females have, in which women are more evolutionarily programmed to want to keep the group close and intact as per their survival role. This is one reason why women and girls find it so hard when their friendships break down, especially if that friend is seen to be developing new Philia relationships. There are, of course, many subtleties in this, but often simply being aware that these feelings are somewhat ingrained can help release and accommodate the unpleasant feelings of jealousy and envy, and allow their exploration in the Emotobiome.
To move on now from the initial stage of Awareness to Acceptance and progress through the AAA Approach, it can be helpful to deep-dive into this type of Philia love, as we tend to have quite a lot of ideas about how friendships work, and indeed how many friends we should have, which sometimes plays into our Tiny T.
One of my closest friends mentioned the quote ‘Friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime’ and, like so many well-known adages, it’s hard to know exactly its origin. But I adore the sentiment as it made me feel ok about some friendships that had fizzled – or imploded!
Research shows that there is a limit on the number of friendships we can maintain at any one time.60 The number of close friends, the ones you bare your soul to, stay up late at night talking to until somehow the sun comes up – you know the ones – is usually no more than you can count on one hand. For good, but not your closest friends, the magic number is around 15. These are the buddies who you enjoy activities and share time with, but not your most intimate secrets. Next are the people who you look forward to seeing at parties or other major life-event celebrations like birthdays, weddings and even sombre events such as funerals, but whom you probably don’t connect with on a regular basis – these friends usually number between 35 and 50. Finally, there is the outer circle of friends who you have an interest in on socials, and like to occasionally see how they’re doing (or if you’re a bit older, would be on your Christmas card list) but you only communicate with rarely, and this numbers around 150. You may have many hundreds more friends and connections on socials, but actually, were you to prune down your online friend list to the ones that you still care and think about, it would probably be around this 150 mark.
But it’s totally fine also if you have nowhere near this many connections – it’s much more about quality than quantity. Friends can come in different shapes and sizes too. A client of mine named Quinn consulted me as they had lost their best friend – in a break-up with a partner, their beloved cockapoo Chewy went with Quinn’s ex as he had owned the dog first. In most countries, animals are seen as ‘chattels’ within the law, i.e. possessions, just like a sofa or piece of jewellery. This is starting to change but, nevertheless, I have seen Tiny T develop time and time again at the loss of an animal. I work with colleagues on the burgeoning field of animal-assisted therapy, and it is clear just how much unconditional love another living, non-human, being can give – and hence how devastating it can be to part from such selfless creatures.
So, what’s the reason for the numerical estimates of friends we have in different friendship zones? We only have a finite amount of space and time in our lives – it would be impossible to maintain a deep friendship with everyone who walks through the door, and anyway many of us wouldn’t want this! Also, as we progress through life and our hopes, dreams and circumstances change, in line with this so do our friendships. It may not be the Hollywood idea of Philia love, but it is a realistic and hopeful one.
In psychological therapy, the rupture of a relationship is only half the story – the repair, or attempts at repair, are just as, if not more, important. All types of relationships experience ruptures, although friendships can fizzle out or morph into something toxic over time – but of course a spectacular break-up can happen after a significant argument, event or situation, just as with any close connection. The latter is without doubt easier to spot, whereas the slow erosion of what was once a trusting, enjoyable and loving bond often leaves people like Olivia feeling completely adrift. The longer this goes on, the deeper the indentation of Tiny T. So if you feel a friendship souring, consider this three-step OWN process, which is all about being accountable for your own experience and being proactive with Tiny T Love:
O is for open: Have an open conversation that focuses on you – i.e. how you feel about what’s happening by using ‘I’ statements to avoid defensiveness – and give your friend a chance to come to the table, such as: ‘I feel that our friendship has been a bit one-sided lately …’
W is for wonder: Next, build on this first-person statement by using a bit of wonder and curiosity – even our closest friends may keep difficult circumstances from us, especially people that seem really strong and together from the outside (these are often the ones who need good, non-judgemental friends the most). If your friend’s behaviour towards you has changed markedly and seems out of character, this will be particularly important. So, building on the first step, this could look like: ‘I feel that our friendship has been a bit one-sided lately, and I was wondering if you’re ok …?’
N is for No: If you’ve been open, amiable and warm but your friend has responded in a toxic manner (see box on toxic friendships), it is probably time to respect your peace and your boundaries, and just say ‘no’ to the relationship. This person may have just been a friend for a reason or a season, but not a lifetime – and that’s ok. However, if your friend responds positively, this can be a real turning point for a deeper, more fulfilling connection, and the ‘no’ here in this process is more about maintaining your personal boundaries when it comes to relationships.
Sometimes friendships re-emerge when your reasons or seasons are more aligned, so by using the OWN process you can give yourself space and time to nurture other connections that are more beneficial to you, without completely burning the bridge. Even thinking about this process can bring on a sense of grief, however, so do go gently with yourself and allow your feelings of loss and sadness to be part of your Emotobiome. Finally, seek emotional support from other friends but try not to criticise your old friend for too long as this can lead to the types of resentment and rumination that deplete your quality of life and optimism for the future.
Olivia took the courageous step to have an OWN conversation with her friend, and it was an emotionally challenging and exhausting interaction to say the least – there were tears, hugs and some glimmers of hope. Olivia’s friend admitted how bad she’d felt about the way her news had been spread and said she just didn’t know how to let Olivia know about the pregnancy after all her fertility struggles. Olivia’s friend revealed also that, when the baby was born, she struggled with new motherhood much more than she expected but didn’t feel she could express this to someone who wasn’t fortunate enough to have these problems. Juggling the demands of motherhood, work and life in general had almost floored Olivia’s mate, and she felt inundated with WhatsApp NCT groups, trying to continue a career as a freelance writer and simply attempting to keep all the plates spinning – and this was the real cause of the breadcrumbing pink flag. What also came across in this OWN conversation was that her friend had felt that Olivia hadn’t listened to her properly in the past, which she understood, as Olivia had been going through such an awful time. Olivia found this hard to hear but did her best not to react and instead sat with her friend’s honesty. When we get to grips with Tiny T Love, it is important to take ownership of our part of the equation, as hard as that might be at first.
Now we are building a much more comprehensive picture of the Tiny T Love Theme, and there was one more vital piece of the puzzle. Social learning theory is basically ‘I do what you do’, or modelling others’ behaviours, often our primary caregivers or people we value and respect.61 This theory was introduced in the late 1960s by psychologist Albert Bandura, who built on earlier theories of conditioning (see Chapter 4), but Professor Bandura noted that to make associations we don’t need to directly experience something ourselves – these linkages could also be formed through vicarious learning. Bandura’s now-famous ‘Bobo doll’ experiments did indeed find that after witnessing someone else hitting this doll, children themselves were more likely to whack the plastic toy in a similar way. At the time there was a huge concern about the influence of TV on and children viewing violence, and indeed in 1972 the United States Surgeon General declared that television violence was a public health problem. There have been many critiques of these experiments to date, but the base theory that our experiences afford some social learning still stands, which is why the world around us and information we consume is part of Tiny T.
For Olivia, like many of us including myself, she grew up on books and movies about how best friends were friends forever, and this gave her a model of what she believed friendship should be. And in her own family, even though they often moved, her mum kept a close friendship with her bestie throughout. In fact, Olivia and her siblings referred to this friend as ‘auntie’, who had been present throughout her life no matter how many times they moved. This set a high bar for the standard of Philia in Olivia’s belief system, so that when her friendships didn’t quite match up, they did indeed feel disappointing.
The strategies in this Action stage of the AAA Approach can be helpful for all types of loving relationship – from romantic Eros relationships to Storge family-type love, and indeed Philia friendship love.
Psychologists are taught a skill called ‘active listening’ and it is something that you can also learn and use to improve the quality of your loving relationships. Active listening is not the same as hearing – hearing words is a rather passive form of communication, whereas active listening takes some concentration and effort. This effort is without doubt worth it and can completely transform close relationships. The purpose in active listening is to uncover the emotional meaning of what is being communicated, not just the literal meaning of the words uttered. Try this LISTEN technique that I devised, based on teaching of the late, great humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers:
L is for look – active listening involves both verbal and non-verbal communication. So, first start paying attention to what you can see – your loved one will be communicating a range of information with their amount of eye contact, gaze, display of small gestures, bodily posture, facial expressions and even micro-expressions.
I is for incongruence – one aspect of active listening that is incredibly useful is whether what someone is saying to you verbally is incongruent, i.e. contradictory, with their non-verbal cues. Usually, the non-verbal signals are the more accurate reflection of how someone is feeling. So if your partner or friend is saying ‘Yeah, I’m fine, it’s fine, everything is totally fine’ but their shoulders are hunched, arms folded in front and eye contact is not maintained, then you can safely conclude that they are not fine at all!
S is for silence – when we are merely hearing another’s words, rather than listening actively, our minds tend to rush ahead and think about how we’re going to respond. This often leads to a hasty response or outright interruptions – there is no headspace for the active part of listening to occur. Leaving space for silence can feel intimidating at first, but this will allow you to process both the verbal and non-verbal messages (what is being said and how it is said) and it creates the opportunity for your partner to be more open.
T is for touch – humans have an intuitive, non-verbal way to communicate known as ‘social touch’. A simple hand placed on an arm or shoulder squeeze can convey more compassion and understanding in few seconds than a long monologue. Social touch is particularly effective when the intent is to calm and settle a companion, but can also be used to share a range of emotional experience.
E is for emphasis – the voice is of course important in communication and you can attend to many aspects such as tone, pitch, speed, volume and articulation. It’s not that you have to think about all these features individually; you will know from experience of interacting with others what certain speech patterns may be telling you. For example, if someone is shouting in quick succession like a machine gun then it’s unlikely they’re just fine! Everyone has their personal speech patterns, though, so it can be more useful to watch out for emphasis if it appears different than in your usual conversations.
N is for noticing yourself – another clue to deciphering the emotional meaning of your loved one’s communication is to notice what’s happening in your body during the interaction. For example, are you experiencing tension in your body that wasn’t there before you started this exchange? What are you feeling emotionally, physically and perceptually now? Often our innate and immediate internal reactions can tell us a great deal about what’s going on for others.
Active listening is a skill and so it will take a bit of practice – you and your loved one might want to try practising this skill together. Regardless, I challenge you to have a go at it and see how it changes the outcome of your social interactions!
I’m not sure why but this chapter seems to be full of mnemonics! I do like to use these easy-to-remember techniques, because when life is busy it can be challenging to remember how to show affection to those we care about the most. This is my way to remind myself of the foundations of love:
L is for LISTEN: This first aspect of loving is so important it has a technique all of its own above!
O is for OPENNESS: Relationships thrive on honest and open communication, but sometimes it isn’t clear how to do this. Think about those moments when your relationships have deepened – was it when you both were putting on your best face, or when the mask has slipped and revealed something tender inside? This is all about leaning into feelings of vulnerability, which will allow your closest connections to become even stronger.
V is for VALUES: When we acknowledge and respect one another’s values, bonds will also strengthen. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on every topic with your friends and loved ones, but having some shared values helps you to agree to disagree on more surface issues.
E is for ENABLE your loved one to be themselves: True love (not Hollywood love) comes from profound acceptance. People do change, they grow and transform before our eyes and can be supported by us – but it is not up to us to try and change those we love. This is not about knowingly accommodating abuse, major or Tiny T – rather, if someone has overstepped one of our red lines or boundaries in life, even someone we love deeply, we cannot impose change on them. In this instance, self-protection is imperative, and you may need to walk away from a relationship – we cannot change someone else. In healthy relationships, however, allowing our loves to be who and what they are in the context of a safe and trusting space is the pinnacle of human love.62
Learning these love skills was a real turning point for Olivia and her friend, and although I can’t report that their friendship was magically mended overnight, mainly because they were indeed on quite different paths, there was now some hope for repair. Acknowledging that they were going through different seasons in life at the time allowed Olivia to exhale her held breath on this relationship and focus on what she could do to improve the quality of all her love bonds.
Think about all the people who have loved you into being – hold this for one minute of reflection.
Dr Meg’s journaling prompts for love
CHAPTER 8 TAKE-HOME TINY T MESSAGE
We’ve only touched lightly on the Tiny T Theme of love here, as love really has got everything to do with it. However, being aware of the Tiny T involved with all forms of love in addition to romantic Eros love can start to help you navigate difficulties that arise with other bonds, such as friendships. While early attachment styles are important, they are not set in stone and we can create fulfilling future bonds in the manner we choose – once we develop a sense of acceptance and take action.