Navigating Romantic
Relationships
For some people, walking into a new relationship is like walking into a minefield. We don’t know what is ahead, so some of us wear armor to protect ourselves.
Our heart can sing with joy when we are together, but when we are alone the fears can crowd in. Does our lover feel the way we do? Could we be dumped? Will our love last?
If we get through our initial fears and stay together, another danger is familiarity and tedium. The highs of a relationship can dwindle down into apathy caused by petty arguments, unmet needs, and misunderstandings.
Some arguments are explosive and damage our trust in each other. Recurring trivial arguments take their toll, while we become more entrenched in reacting to our partner in the same ineffective way. We can become resentful and miss opportunities to appreciate our partner.
We all want to successfully navigate any tumultuous emotions of our romantic relationships. In this chapter, we explore cases that illustrate the pitfalls of mistaking infatuation for love, being too attached or too detached, confronting soul contracts, and dealing with frequent conflict.
We discover how these traps can be resolved. We learn how we grow by understanding our history, our fears, our self-judgments, and our purpose, and by connecting with our eternal self. Learning how to navigate our romantic relationships is important to the growth of our soul.
What Is Love?
Defining love can be difficult. There are so many mixed messages about love in our world, no wonder many people are confused. When we feel great desire and passion, we are likely to assume we are in love. This love is thrilling and exciting and we feel we cannot do without our new lover. But our happiness comes with a downside. Fear. We don’t want to lose our new-found happiness. We want reassurance that our lover will not let us down or desert us. Intense feelings place a great strain on a relationship, especially if we think this is “the one.”
But are such intense feelings really love anyway? Research tells us that this honeymoon period only lasts up to a year or two at best. What comes after is the real test.
Many young people believe desire and passion is the beginning of a long-term relationship, but older people can become confused too, especially if they are newly single and back on the dating scene.
The Difference Between Love and Infatuation
Sharon, age sixty-nine, enjoyed a long and happy marriage before her husband died from a prolonged illness. There were no children of the marriage, and after a few years of widowhood, she felt lonely. She started dating, hoping to again share her life with someone.
These new relationships were exciting to begin with, but further interaction with the people she dated didn’t go so well, and the relationships ended. The emotional ups and downs soon became draining. While she is now dating someone new, she is concerned that this relationship too might take the same course and end in disappointment.
She really wants a stable, lasting relationship with a suitable person that can give her a sense of contentment. She comes for a session seeking guidance on how to achieve that.
During the session, Sharon is taken back to a past life in eighteenth-century England.
I’m a male and it’s daytime. I’m walking in the countryside and it looks like something out of a Thomas Hardy novel. My name is Jonathan and I’m sixteen. I’m feeling on top of the world. Tonight, I will be taking my special girl to the May dance. She’s beautiful with blonde hair and blue eyes. We’re in love. She’s fifteen and we’ve been talking about getting married. Her parents don’t think I’m good enough for her and my parents think we are too young. My father tells me I would have no way to support a wife at this time. But we will find a way.
In the next scene, Jonathan walks his girl to the May dance. He is so happy he can hardly contain his joy.
We dance the first dance. Everyone is looking at her because she is so beautiful. But before I know it, she is surrounded by other boys and I can’t even get close. She keeps dancing with various guys, and I don’t get another chance. Well, we’ll make up for it when I walk her home.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out the way Jonathan expects. Without even giving him a second thought, his special girl lets another boy walk her home. In addition to being shocked and deeply disappointed, his heart is broken.
Jonathan continues to live at home with his parents. He gives up his interest in girls, instead working hard on the farm, helping his father. When he turns twenty-two, his father gives him some land of his own.
Over the next few years, he successfully farms his plot of land until he is in a good financial position. He could now afford to get married, but he is wary and still doesn’t trust women much. But he is not lonely, having relatives in the district who keep him company.
I go with a friend to visit a cousin in a village, not far from where we live. That’s where I meet Mary. She’s very pretty and serious, and I find myself drawn to her. It’s not like it was before. I’m not so deliriously happy, but it still feels good.
Jonathan ends up marrying Mary and they have three children, two boys and a girl. Together they work hard, making a good living. Their life with each other is harmonious and filled with contentment.
In old age, Jonathan dies peacefully, rejoining the soul that he shares with Sharon.
Sharon reflects on the lessons from Jonathan’s life. In his teens, he suffered the extreme highs and lows of a relationship. Feeling deeply let down by his first love, he shied away from women. But over time he matured and found a more substantial love in Mary.
Sharon is given advice from her guides, relevant to anyone hoping for a long-lasting relationship of love and contentment.
The message is that happiness is fleeting, but contentment lasts. Happiness is ephemeral and can come and go. Understanding is more important than happiness and makes for a better life. So, seek contentment in life. Find a mate who understands you and is willing to work with you to make a good life.
Life doesn’t always work out as you plan at first, but if you are patient and do your own work, you can find contentment. Lay the groundwork. Happiness is like a drug; it is addictive because it feels so good in an intense and fervent way.
Sharon asks her guides how to temper the drug of happiness into the permanence of contentment.
Be aware of the fleetingness of happiness. It is like watching fireflies on a summer’s night. They glow brightly for a while and then die. In contrast, contentment is like starlight, always beautiful but also permanent. Do the work. Lay the groundwork. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
Sharon realizes the man she is currently dating has the potential to be a suitable match. Together, they can develop a comfortable relationship with each other. She recalls how the early happiness and excitement of her marriage matured into the peaceful pleasure she had with her husband. The years following the death of her husband were difficult, but now she sees the possibility of a contented life once again.
Two years later, the practitioner catches up with her and discovers that Sharon did marry the person she had been dating. Even though she has the usual ups and downs that life entails, Sharon reports feeling contented with her marriage and her life.
Passion is celebrated in our culture, but passion is rarely an enduring love. As Sharon discovers, high emotion can turn into a contented, loving relationship, but it can also fizzle out if we don’t make the necessary adjustments to our expectations. Sharon is a good example of someone who did this and did it well. She worked out what she really wanted with her feet firmly on the ground. She utilized the experience of her past life and her first marriage to create the contented relationship she desired.
Balancing Attachment
Some people are so attached to those they love that they cannot live without them. Others can be out of balance in the opposite direction, being so absorbed in their own needs and projects that they are neglectful of their partner’s needs. How do we balance our love for others with our love for ourselves? The next case gives us examples of these two extremes, showing us the importance of eventually getting this balance right.
Oliver, forty-two, has been with his partner, Glenda, for over a decade. During his session he is taken to a past life where he is Martha, a widow and pioneer. Her only child is a teenage son who shares the same soul as Oliver’s current life partner, Glenda.
Martha is part of a tribe who recently left the oppression of their homeland. They travel, eventually finding a place to settle. The elders choose Martha’s son to go and make peace with their neighbors. Her son returns, thinking he has done well after taking part in some rituals with the neighbors. But he is mistaken. He has been poisoned and soon becomes ill and dies.
Martha is distraught. She blames herself for encouraging him to go.
I had a big vision for my son, seeing him as a leader of our community one day. Not only am I losing him, but we are all losing him and the potential he had. I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself for not foreseeing what could happen.
Losing my son is an inconsolable grief. I have nothing left. I cannot find a way of seeing anything good, just hopelessness. Every day is a prison of suffering and I am waiting to die. I was angry but now I am resigned. Despair fills every fiber of my being and I am not interested in eating or drinking.
The community decides to move on and Martha leaves with them, lying in a wagon, gravely ill.
During the night while everyone is sleeping, I drift off to sleep. I get a sense of looking down and seeing everyone—like a bird looking below. Even through the dark, I can see clearly.
Suddenly, I am not thirsty. I think I am dreaming that I can fly. Now I want to fly higher. And there is some hope in the dream because, as a bird, I can go anywhere. I am enjoying it. I don’t realize it’s not a dream. Somehow, in this dream, a weight is dropping. The embrace of that hurt, regret, and guilt is loosening. I have been experiencing all that hurt, but it is not all I am. Now I am floating so high I cannot make out where I came from. But I feel less worried. I am letting go. Now I am getting the feeling of reassurance that everything will be okay. I am surprised because I cannot understand any reason for this positive feeling, but I am feeling it. I am above the horrible feelings. I am aware of joy again. It is a sense of love. Wow!
Martha doesn’t yet realize it, but she is already in her life between lives, having passed over in a most gentle way.
I think it is a dream. My son appears, and he is reaching out to hug me. I feel his love. I have an overwhelming sense of forgiveness. He is okay. Another part of me thinks he is dead, but I feel the most loving moment ever with him. So much love. I so needed it. Amazing! He tells me there is nothing to worry about, that everything is okay.
I am now getting the idea that I am not alive anymore. I have remembered how sick I was when I fell asleep and he confirms that I have died.
He thanks me for being his mom. Ah! Wow! I am now seeing his life through his eyes, and how much he loved me, no matter what I said or did. He is proud of me and everything was perfect from his point of view. I just got to feel it from his heart. [sobbing]
He is telling me I have done well. I wouldn’t have accepted that until this moment now, seeing it from his perspective. We did well and can rejoice in the life we had. I am honoring the love I had for my son, not the results. My intention was loving.
We need the challenges to prove we are being true to ourselves. Even when my son didn’t like what I did—for example, restricting him—he can see that my intention was love. He gets to see this from my perspective. No action can devalue how magnificent we truly are.
Oliver remembers a recent interaction between Glenda and him.
Glenda has been sick for a while because of something I did. She visited friends in another state. While she was away, instead of doing the dishes and organizing the place, I ignored it. She specifically asked if she could come back to an empty sink, but there was a double stack of dishes in the sink when she returned. I was focused on other priorities that I value, such as property and research.
Oliver recalls his life when he was young. His mother remarried when he was four. His stepfather didn’t accept him, so he lived with his grandmother, a loving and caring woman. She did everything around the house, so he developed a pattern of ignoring chores. After Glenda returned from her trip, she washed all the dishes.
It was a big job. It smelled. I felt bad because I had forgotten to do them. A few days after that, she became unwell. She got so weak she couldn’t stand up. She was in some sort of septic shock and ended up in intensive care. She had golden staph in her bloodstream and they looked for a source. Her thumb on her left hand was red, and part of her thumb had to be amputated.
Although no one knows the exact cause of Glenda’s life-threatening condition, Oliver feels guilty. After the session, he reflects on his life as Martha and how much love was between Martha and her son. In that life, Martha was so attached to her son she could not go on without him. In his current life, Oliver was not attached enough, instead focusing on his own needs. He had forgotten how important Glenda was to him.
Up until the point of her illness, I had taken Glenda for granted.
Oliver understands that it is pointless to take on guilt for results that are unforeseeable. He did not cause the amputation of Glenda’s thumb. But he did let her down by not doing the dishes, especially when she made a specific request.
We never know when disaster will strike, and Oliver is fortunate that the outcome of Glenda’s illness was not worse. He resolves to be more mindful and not take his loved ones for granted in future.
Oliver is on a journey of refinement. He is learning how to refine the balance between his needs and the needs of others. His past life and his current life are useful guides, helping him to balance these competing needs.
Fulfilling Soul Contracts
Some people stay married even when the relationship is far from ideal. Friends and relatives often wonder why. Although many of us will leave these challenging relationships, there is a reason why some couples stay together. Something deeper is going on here, as the following case demonstrates.
Gracie comes for a Life Between Lives session to receive guidance about her marriage to Ian. She feels she has limited time on earth and she doesn’t want to waste it. She feels she has much to do and that her husband is holding her back. One source of conflict is the impact of Ian’s business on their relationship. Although Gracie loves her husband, she is considering leaving the marriage. She feels sad as she grapples with this decision.
I seek understanding of my purpose in this life. I feel at a midlife crossroads. I have been in service to others for much of my adult life, to my children, my husband, and a family business. I am not sure what it is I am supposed to do as the REAL ME. I am craving creative expression and a more authentic emotional life.
During the regression, Gracie learns her soul name is Kasha and her soul purpose is to help others remember their true eternal self. Her first step in her life as Gracie is to remember who she is. Her guide says this can be difficult for Kasha, when incarnated, as she can easily forget. This happens because she often has low energy in her lives. The guide explains why.
One of the difficulties for Kasha is that she incarnates more than once at the same time. Not all souls do this, but it is not uncommon. Splitting her energy is part of her path and her growth. It means she does not always have a lot of energy as a physical body and that means she can be distracted from her spiritual path.
Kasha has developed some human blocks that also contribute to this low energy. She is an old soul and old souls are loving and caring. Knowing others suffer is hard for these old souls because their last lessons are to let others be. This means “being” rather than “doing.” This is a lesson that Kasha has been trying to complete for several lives. She forgets that souls only suffer because it is their path, and part of their lessons. Souls only feel hurt, believing it is awful, if they are resisting their path or their lessons.
Kasha seeks opportunities to be loved for doing. Generally, her actions are positive, but this does not help her achieve her last lesson, which is understanding that we are loved just for being. This is hard to accept. In her life as Gracie, she has a strong will and sense of physical existence.
A need to serve indicates a lack of confidence of the soul itself, which doesn’t realize that just “being” is enough to be loved. Such souls tend to define themselves by the help they give to others.
Also, she left a lot of her energy with her soul companions when she incarnated in these last few lives, which leaves her with less incarnated energy. She has a sense of dislocation, which will persist until she remembers and finds a way to connect to her higher self.
As Gracie, she is never going to be a highly energetic human, but she could have more energy than she has now by seeking alternative healing.
After receiving this information, Kasha is ready to move on. She visits her soul group and sees the soul of Ian. She is told they have had many incarnations together. The guide explains the importance of their relationship.
In this lifetime as Gracie and Ian, there is a soul agreement. They agreed to help each other remember and wake up. Gracie has awakened enough to realize she has a path she is supposed to follow, and that Ian is supposed to come with her. But she didn’t know it was an agreement. Ian is remembering now, but of course he has free will.
The business is an extension of the human persona that Ian has created. His soul is a large energy and he tends to take up a lot of space in life, feeling quite passionate about things. In this incarnation, he has a sense of wanting to make things better on earth. That is what the business represents for him. During this awakening, he is having difficulty recognizing that his achievements at the business level are done. If he is to fulfill his agreement with Gracie, he needs to step away from letting the business dominate his attention. Ian is stuck right now, which is part of his path. He needs to work through his own stuff. That is his responsibility.
Gracie has a sense of time passing in her life, thinking, perhaps, there are other ways she could serve, learn, and progress as a soul. She is allowing herself to feel held back, and so she is struggling with what to do.
Fear is playing a role for both. Gracie has some fear about confidently following her internal compass. Ian has some fear about giving up the persona he has developed in this incarnation. They both are a bit off track, but not irrevocably. They can find their way back and fulfill their agreement.
Gracie has questions about why her relationship with Ian is somewhat non-sexual on her part. Sexual energy with Ian in this life is not the point of their relationship, as it would detract energy away from their intended purpose and agreement. Fulfilling their purpose means that some other aspects of being human are just less important.
The practitioner asks Kasha’s guide about the business itself, as it is part of the conflict between Ian and Gracie.
This is difficult for Kasha as Gracie. She will need to sort it out for herself. I suggest she remember and follow the soul agreement she made, as well as charting her own path. Souls who have an agreement still have their own path as well as their path together. Gracie and Ian have already completed a certain amount of their agreement. They do not know what is to come and they are not to know that yet. They need to struggle through what they are trying to learn.
Gracie needs to remember her own path and perhaps be less focused on what she thinks Ian should do in his life. Pulling back might help Ian find his way.
Throughout the session, Kasha’s guide emphasizes the importance of the agreement between Gracie and Ian, even though they do not yet know the complete agreement apart from it having something to do with waking each other up to knowing their true selves. Kasha is told she is on her last earth lesson, which is learning how to be rather than do. While the guide acknowledges her difficulty of letting go of her do-good behavior, he lets her know that helping others by “doing” is no longer her purpose. In this vein, Gracie is also counseled to pull back from focusing on what she wants Ian to do and focus on herself.
At the end of her session, Gracie is a little reluctant to return to her human state after enjoying the security of being in her life between lives.
This sense of infinite space and energy that I am a part of is what I want to take back to earth with me. The vastness and connection to All That Is. That remembrance will help me fulfill my purpose.
Kasha, as Gracie, has free will. She could still leave her husband if she wanted, and yet her guidance clearly suggests she stay. She has habits to break, namely her drive to be actively of service to others and her negative focus on her husband’s slower pace. He has habits to break too, including his identity and much of his time being caught up in his business. For each of them, fulfilling their purpose involves finding a genuine peace within themselves and with each other.
A soul agreement is sacred. Souls always want to fulfill their agreements but, when they are in a physical body, they can easily put their contracts aside and become caught up in their usual ways of behaving.
Waking up to knowing our true self is a noble purpose. Many people have this purpose. When we know who we truly are, we need do nothing except follow our inner guidance. Our service to others is not driven by any need. We have no needs when we feel complete. Our service to others comes from our heart and is organic and natural, fueled only by unconditional love.
A Pattern of Conflict
Iris, twenty-eight, is a lively blonde. Iris describes her marriage as “on the brink.” Iris and her husband, Gabriel, live with their beautiful three-year-old daughter. Both wish to save their marriage, and yet they cannot seem to stop fighting.
Gabriel often criticizes Iris, and Iris feels blamed and guilty. She becomes angry and defensive, snapping at her husband. Gabriel then passively retreats. His withdrawal creates panic in Iris, and she expresses her fear by losing her temper. Soon after spiraling into this argumentative pattern, they both feel bruised, and they shut down emotionally to each other.
Before the Life Between Lives session, the practitioner had already conducted several past-life regressions with Iris who goes easily into trance. Before reaching her life between lives, Iris experiences a significant past life in which she and Gabriel are brothers living in Germany. Iris is Emil, an eighteen-year-old young man and Gabriel is Gerhard, his older brother of twenty-two. In this scene, they are celebrating Gerhard’s engagement to a beautiful, young blonde woman.
The brothers are standing in a lush garden in front of a house in countryside Bavaria. It is summertime and they are surrounded by ripe raspberries, roses, and other vibrant flowers. Laughter wafts from the house as the brothers quietly sense the significance of this day. Their parents died nearly a decade ago in an accident. Since then, Gerhard has looked after his younger brother, Emil.
Gerhard is like a father to me. We are very close.
The practitioner moves Iris to another scene, discovering Emil and Gerhard are now soldiers in World War II. They are beside each other in a trench, shooting at the enemy.
Suddenly, Gerhard recoils and collapses. Emil continues shooting until he realizes Gerhard is still. Emil drops his gun and throws himself on top of his brother’s body, trying to protect him from enemy fire. But it is too late. The wound in Gerhard’s chest is bleeding heavily. Emil cannot accept that the wound is mortal. All the sounds of the battle recede as Emil lovingly holds his brother in his arms. There is nothing else he can do. While still being held by Emil, Gerhard dies.
Iris is shaking uncontrollably.
Gerhard is Gabriel! Oh my God! I am so upset! This is such a surprise! Oh my God, this is terrible!
Iris is sobbing.
It all went so fast! I can’t believe this. Why did they kill him and not me? Why did I survive? They should have shot me!
The practitioner pauses, giving Iris, as Emil, plenty of time to take in the disturbing realization that Gerhard is gone. Gradually Iris calms down.
The practitioner moves Iris to the end of Emil’s short life and discovers Emil never came to terms with the loss of his brother.
I die thinking of Gerhard. I miss him so much. I still feel so guilty that he was killed and I didn’t save him.
Rising over his body, Emil pledges to make up for his brother’s death.
I promise myself to be stronger next time and help Gerhard stay.
Emil’s soul moves quickly up into the realms of Spirit.
There are no limits, I am moving up as fast as I can. I am flying through darkness and space. Now I start to see many stars, many lights. Oh! These are clumps of souls. I feel such joy! I am home.
Tears of joy are streaming down Iris’s face.
I feel drawn toward a huge bright light.
The light is her guide, who appears as a long, tall female being. The guide shows her scenes from the past life and Iris, as Emil, again feels the grief and guilt.
I can see various scenes. I see that life passing by and am feeling so bad about Gerhard.
My guide tells me it was not my fault my brother died or my task to save him. She says I must understand that. Iris sighs and the practitioner feels a shift in Iris’s expression and body. The practitioner asks where her guide is now taking her.
I am going to a circle of friends.
About twenty souls greet her, but one is particularly relevant to the past life and her current life.
It is Gabriel. He tells me that I need to learn to trust. I must learn to trust life and to trust him. And I need to face my anger! When I am feeling guilty, I become angry and out of control. Gabriel says I must trust that he is here with me and he will be staying here this lifetime. He is not leaving. My anger comes from my guilt, the guilt I felt in the life we lived as brothers. The guilt drives a deep wedge between us in our current life.
This is a moment of profound understanding for Iris. She looks deeply moved. After a pause, her guide now takes Iris to her council of elders.
We are flowing through space before walking down a long path, shimmering and sparkling gold. I feel humbled.
She arrives at a place like a Roman temple. Entering, she is in a large bright hall with twelve elders sitting in a semicircle. Iris is very emotional.
I have been here many times before. They all are wearing deep purple robes with medallions. The most advanced being is the male in the middle. He is leading all the communication.
He says they are making me aware of my anger. I have experienced anger in many other lives. This lifetime I have the chance to do it differently. He explains the similarities of my lifetime as Emil to other lives I’ve lived before. This life is the life to clear it up.
Iris is crying softly.
I am so amazed about being here. I am so relieved to understand my lesson. I can see how our past lives lead up to our present life experiences. I now have hope that our marriage can work out.
The council gives her encouragement, suggesting she can find solutions and inner peace within her marriage. Understanding the reason for her anger and reactivity gives her choices. They encourage her to face her anger and to develop more trust. Anger has been her main emotional response in many lifetimes. Iris returns to the present, bringing new hope and understanding with her.
Shortly after her session, Iris reports there have been changes in her marriage and in herself. She is taking steps to change her behavior, enrolling in various classes for self-development.
Gabriel and Iris understand their differences from a new perspective. They learn to be more compassionate with each other and stop fighting. As Iris releases her guilt, her anger subsides.
Nine years later, Iris and Gabriel’s marriage is full of trust and harmony. Their daughter has grown into a smart and talented teenager. Iris reports that she still has a vivid memory of her Life Between Lives session, which she describes as one of the most profound experiences of her life.
As Emil died, he made a vow to prevent his brother from ever leaving again. Emil made the vow when he was in a highly emotional state. The emotion was profound guilt and loss. A vow charged with that much emotional energy will always reverberate into future lives until it is released and rescinded.
To Emil, this vow meant keeping any incarnation of Gerhard’s soul nearby and never parting. In his next incarnation, as Iris, the effect of the vow did not play out well. Iris wanted to keep Gabriel around so desperately that she felt threatened by any argument between them. With her history of anger, going back many lifetimes, her volatile reactions were driving them apart.
How many people are struggling in their current lives and relationships because of highly charged vows that have outlived their usefulness? Michael Newton Institute practitioners find many people are carrying these energies and rejoice when they can facilitate their release.
One of the most rewarding experiences we can have on the planet is a loving, enduring couple relationship. Many people strive to find this, but few manage to create it. As we have seen in this chapter, there are many pitfalls to overcome.
Effort is needed to create a loving relationship, but some of us are hampered by baggage we are not even aware of. We find ourselves reacting in ways that are not conducive to a healthy relationship. Some of us fail to balance our needs with the needs of others, being selfless or selfish. We fail to listen to our hearts, so we judge ourselves and others harshly. We don’t know, or we forget, that our purpose on the planet is to learn to let go of judgment and control so we can be loving and accepting.
By facing our old habits and releasing them, we can build true intimacy with our partner. When we are convinced that nothing in the physical world lasts, we become patient and treasure our beloved.
We still need to be brave navigating our relationships, but this is easier when the past is put to rest. The guides emphasize the importance of honesty. Being honest about our emotions is challenging. We fear our partner will take advantage of us if we share our vulnerabilities. The truth is that of course we don’t really want to be with someone who would use our sincerity against us. By being open and honest, we are allowing ourselves to be known. When we both know and accept the truth of our partner, we can build intimacy.