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OK, so you've looked in your heart and realized you're queer. Applause moment! Big ups from us for being honest with yourself.
But it can also be a little overwhelming. We know—we went through it, too. There's so much information, so much to explore. It's like you just got a big gay Xbox for your birthday and you need to figure out how to work the controls. What does that button do? What happens when I push the joystick this way? How can I show off my optimum gaming skills?
Don't go getting your tighty-whiteys (or teeny bikinis) all in a twist. The first important thing you should know is that everything's going to be all right.
Some things may be different than before, but other things won't change at all. What's cool is that you now belong to a giant family of other LGBT people. We don't use a rainbow as our symbol just because of the pretty colors. We use it because it stretches across the sky, connecting all kinds of people. You're plugged in to a fascinating culture, where everyone is unique but they all share something special. Don't be afraid to reach out for support or to offer your advice to others.
One of the things you're probably wondering is if you should let anyone know that you're LGBT. This is known as coming out, and it's a unique process for everyone. While you might think of coming out as an external process where you stand on a platform and announce to the world that you're queer, it's quite the opposite; the first person you will come out to is actually yourself. You may sit with this knowledge for a while before you decide to tell anyone else. Or sometimes a close friend or counselor helps you figure it out. But eventually you'll feel confident enough to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I'm queer. And I'm also sexy as hell." Welf you might not say that second part, but you are, and you should know it.
Of course, most people aren't going to run outside right away, waving their arms in the air like Elmo the Homo and screaming, "Hey, Ma! Guess what? I'm queer!" Coming out to your friends and family can be a gradual process, which might be good if you don't want to be fielding your mother's questions about your sex life and your uncle Joe's fear that you won't carry on the family name all at once. Feel free to take some time to figure out how you want to handle spreading the news. Some teens tell certain people at certain times or tell others only on a need-to-know basis. Others can't wait to share the news with everyone. Figure out which path is appropriate for your own journey, and blaze it when you're ready.
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How Kathy Came Out to Her Parents
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I was 19 and I was traveling cross-country (by foot!) to join a group of people working on peace and justice issues. I was a young and proud lesbian, and everyone around me knew I was gay—but not my family back home. The more time I spent being out in my new environment, the worse I felt about the fact that I wasn't out to my parents. So one day I decided to sit down and write them a letter. In it, I tried to explain that I was a lesbian and probably always had been. I said that I saw myself making a life with another woman and that I was happy the way I was and hoped they would be, too. I put a stamp on it and sent it off.
There was no way for my parents to call me, but I was able to receive mail at various post offices along my route. My dad's letter came first. In it he said he was fearful that I would have a hard life but he loved me no matter what and only wanted me to be happy. My mom's letter, which followed, said the Kathy she knew "was dead" and that she was going to need some time to adjust to the news. I remember sitting in my tent and bawling my eyes out.
Once I finally got up the courage to call home, my Mom was able to explain what she meant: that she had to let go of all her old preconceptions about me and start to look at me as a new person. I was relieved but still wished I had told my parents in person so we could have had a real discussion about it. Now that it's many years later, both of my parents are totally fine with my being queer and they are glad that part of my job is to help other people come out and feel OK about it.
A lot of parents get freaked out when they find out that one of their children is LGBT—even if they're the most loving and supportive parents in the world. Many older folks immediately think about the "sex" part of homosexuality or bisexuality, though you may not be thinking about that at all. For instance, you might just be trying to talk to a crush without chewing all of your nails off, but your parents are already envisioning what you'll be doing in bed together.
To be fair, most parents are uncomfortable with any thoughts that involve their kids and sex, even if the kids are straight. Parents worry about things like disease, heartbreak, and pregnancy—it's their job. But if they know that their kid is queer, they'll find new things to be concerned about, like what the neighbors will think, if it means they won't have grandchildren, or if all their ambitious plans for you will suddenly fall apart.
We know these fears are complete nonsense. No one knows what the future will bring. And who cares what the neighbors think about your personal life? But a lot of adults were taught when they were younger that being queer is always a negative thing. You'll need to educate yourself and channel some confidence to be able to calm their fears and speak your truth. It may take a lot of effort for you to convince them that you're totally fine with who you are and that your life is not over. (Au contraire—it's just beginning!) And who knows? Maybe your parents will give you a giant bear hug and thank you for being honest. Or maybe they've known all along, didn't think it was a big deal, and were just waiting for you to admit it. In that case, your coming out will actually relieve them.
Some queer teens prefer to tell a close brother or sister first (and sometimes your brothers and sisters figure it out for you, even before you know yourself). Other queer teens approach an aunt, uncle, or cousin with whom they share a special bond. Telling someone you trust in your family before you tell your parents can be good practice. It will help give you the courage to come out to your folks and build a safety net in case your parents react badly.
You may feel ready to jump right in and tell your folks that you're LGBT. But before you let the games begin, ask yourself, "Is this the right time?" If you're not totally sure if you're queer and are still in the questioning stage, then sometimes it's best to wait until you're certain before you make any declarations. There's no use stirring up a potential hornet's nest until necessary, and it'll be easier to reassure your parents if you yourself feel confident. Of course, if you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you can talk openly about things and you think they'd be able to help you process your feelings without judgment, then you can share what's going on for you. You know your parents best, so do what works for you. And if you feel they really have to know right now, be prepared for their responses.
You've decided you're going to do it: You're going to tell your folks that you're as queer as a three-dollar bill with a picture of Liberace on it. Think about these three factors as you're planning your course of action.
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Timing is everything. Pick a time that you know you can talk to them uninterrupted. It's best not to do this around a family holiday, but if one of your parents lives far away and that's the only time you see them, then work with what you have. Some people like to sit their parents down and make an announcement. For others, it feels more comfortable to talk while you're doing something else, like making dinner or folding laundry. If your parents are separated, you may need to do this twice, so start with the one you think will take it better and use his or her reaction to gauge how and when to approach the other parent.
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Plan it out. Some people just blurt out the news with little finesse, but that's not necessarily the best idea because it can seem confrontational. Instead, give some thought to what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Need some help? Start by telling your parents that you have something important you want to tell them. Assure them you've done a lot of thinking and reflecting about it, and that you've realized that you're lesbian, gay, bi, or trans. Tell them you feel good about coming out to them because you know they appreciate honesty and that you hope the family can support you.
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1997
YEP. I'M GAY
In 1997, Ellen DeGeneres, a popular TV star, changed the landscape of queer representation on TV and the perception of queer actors in the public eye. At the time, DeGeneres had her own show called Ellen(a sitcom in which she played the main character), and in an historic episode, she had her character, Ellen Morgan, come out as a lesbian on the show. While there had already been TV shows with gay or lesbian characters, the characters often felt stereotyped, and the parts were small. Now there was a protagonist on prime time TV talking openly about being a lesbian, which was really exciting for queer viewers. At the same time, DeGeneres herself also decided to come out to the public. She announced to the world that she was a lesbian on the cover of Time magazine. (The famous headline was "Yep. I'm Gay.") She received backlash from conservatives for both of these moves, but in the end, her coming out inspired other queer celebrities and their fans to become more open about their sexuality. DeGeneres also broke new ground in the way queerness was treated on mainstream shows. Years later, shows like Will and Grace, Brothers and Sisters, Glee, and Greek would feature queer protagonists and draw huge audiences.
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Be patient. Give your parents time to react. Be prepared to answer any questions they have. You can arm yourself with some literature from the helpful organization Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG, pflag.org), if you think that will help. If your parents are religious, you might want to line up a gay-friendly priest, rabbi, imam, or other religious leader to talk to them, or offer some literature that addresses homosexuality and religion. (See our Resources section.) Try to let them know that nothing has changed about you, that they just know something new about you that they didn't before. Offer to talk more about it later if they need time to take it all in. Hopefully you'll start a continuing dialogue and things will grow positively from there.If your parents react badly, it's likely because they are a little scared and just looking for a way to understand what's happening. It may feel a little annoying to have to take care of their needs at a time when you're going through so much yourself, but if there's any way you can help them (short of pretending you're someone else!), try to do it. For instance, maybe you can suggest they talk to other gay-friendly people in the family or gay friends or neighbors.
Also, try to stay calm and offer to answer any questions they may have as best you can. Here are some things they may ask.
Are you sure?
How do you know?
Is it a phase?
What about grandchildren?
But then why did you date (insert opposite sex person's name here) last year!
What did I do wrong?
Are you just saying this because we won't buy you a new laptop for your birthday?
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Let them know that times have changed and being gay doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be the last kid picked for kickball anymore or that the football players are going to shove you into the lockers. Plenty of LGBT kids and adults are doing just fine in the world. Just look at Ellen DeGeneres, T. R. Knight, and Clay Aiken. If your parents are politically and socially conservative, you may want to point out that former Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Mary is an out lesbian who has her father's support, or that both Republican Sen. John McCain's wife Cindy and daughter Meghan are activists for same-sex marriage. Do some research beforehand (see our Resources section in the back of the book) and be ready to give your family a list of recommendations to help them educate themselves.
And if your parents are just losing it, suggest that you continue the conversation when everyone's had time to digest your announcement. They may need to go talk amongst themselves for a moment or express their emotions to an uninvolved friend. Giving them space shows that you're mature enough to handle the whole coming out thing.
Some parents get really upset when they find out their kid is gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. Like realty upset. So as lame as it is that you even have to think about this, you may want to devise a little backup plan if things don't go so well and you need a quick getaway. Hopefully your parents aren't going to turn into giant homophobic Transformers and blow up the world when they hear you like other girls or guys, but better safe than sorry. Is there someone—a best friend, an aunt, your taekwondo teacher—who you could stay with for a while or who could offer you some support? We don't want to make you all worried, but if you do decide to spill your gay guts to your parents, weaving yourself a safety net might make you feel more secure.
No matter how your parents react, you should be prepared for things to be a little different around the house for a while. Some parents will act like nothing has happened and hope that it will all go away. Others might act overly nice to show how accepting they are. Others may not look you in the eye for a while, or try to do things to get you to change. They might think they did something wrong that caused you to be gay. (There are actually still people out there who believe a domineering mother or absent father can "turn" people gay!) You might have to renegotiate things like hanging out with friends or having friends in your room. Try to be patient. It probably took you awhile to realize and accept that you are queer, and it's probably also going to take your parents some time to get used to the idea.
2010
MILITARY BRASS
Even though the military needs every good soldier it can get, it has been banning gays from serving since 1916. In an effort to protect gays from being discharged, President Bill Clinton instituted a policy known as Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 1992. The military was not supposed to ask, and soldiers weren't supposed to talk, about a soldier's sexual orientation. But still, military "witch hunts" continued, and more than 13,000 service members have since been discharged for being gay. Besides that, the policy unfairly kept queer soldiers in the closet. Fed up with having to live a lie, Lt. Dan Choi came out on a TV news program on March 19, 2009. Despite being a West Point graduate and Iraq veteran who is fluent in Arabic (he was one of only eight soldiers from his graduating class who majored in Arabic), he was still discharged. Choi has since become an advocate for LGBT rights in the military, and others, including some politicians, have since joined the fight to change the situation, knowing that being a good soldier has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation.
What if your parents question you about your sexual orientation or your relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend before you are ready to talk about it? Do you have to tell them everything? Not if you don't want to. It's a good idea to let your parents know where you are when you go out so they can be sure that you're not in any danger. But that doesn't mean you need to tell them that you are LGBT until you are ready. So if you are still feeling protective about your new identity, do your best to gently deflect questions that feel too invasive. That being said, people often ask about things because they're ready to listen to the answer. If they're asking in more of a curious way than in a hostile way, it might be a good opportunity for you to talk to them about it.
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Sometimes you don't have the luxury of telling your parents you're gay or trans; they find out without your help. Maybe you're spotted holding hands with or kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or maybe your mom finds text messages about your last date or your gym teacher calls home and asks one of your parents why you are binding your breasts. May be your dad finds some of your magazines, and they're pretty obviously for a queer audience. If something like this happens to you, it's totally normal to feel upset and even betrayed. But knowing that your reaction is normal probably won't help as you sit at your kitchen table, listening to your parents say, "Is there anything you need to tell us?" It probably wasn't your plan to come out to your parents in this way, but there's nothing you can do about it now.
If you were planning on coming out anyway, this might be a good time to do it, particularly if your parents are acting more curious and compassionate than angry and hysterical. Of course, if you feel you need to protect your safety, either physical or emotional, it's OK to be evasive. Tell your parents you were just joking or it must have been someone else's. If that doesn't work, resort to your backup plan (see [>]).
Sometimes when you come out to your parents, they'll ask that you not tell other members of your family or the neighbors until your parents have had time to think. If you've already told other family members, you should let your parents know and then offer not to spread the news any further until you and your parents can talk more. That way they won't feel ganged up on.
But you need to set clear limits on their coming out moratorium. If your parents never give you the go-ahead to tell other people, you could wind up still being stuck in the closet 15 years down the road, unable to tell your grandmother about your life partner or bring a date to big family events. That's not going to feel good to anyone, including your future partners. So it's good to give your parents a little time to get accustomed to the idea—but not a whole lifetime.
So you've come out to your parents, and they're not willing to accept it. It can be frustrating to live in a situation where you feel you don't have the freedom to be yourself—to date who you want, to wear the outfits you want, to hang out with your friends, or simply to talk, walk, and express yourself in your natural way. But they are still your parents, and they still have power over you. What do you do?
Sometimes it just takes parents awhile to get used to things. Let them sit with the information for a bit before you start asking their permission for things that make them uncomfortable. Then slowly reintroduce the idea by letting them know about someone you like or a date you'd like to go on and see if, over time, they become more permissive.
If they don't, remember that straight teens find ways to spend time together even if their parents disapprove. Your parents may have even had to sneak off when they were teens to meet the person they liked. Of course, if your parents are really strict, you may just have to wait it out. Eighteen may seem like an eternity away, but eventually you'll get there and then you can make your own decisions. Living your life in secret (or not really living it at all) can be frustrating, but don't make any rash decisions. A restricted life at home may be bad, but life on the streets is certainly no picnic.
Should you or shouldn't you come out at school? Will everyone laugh at you? Or will they just shrug and say, "Yeah, so?" Sometimes it's hard to say. Here are some things to consider before you come out.
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Is your school a place you'd feel comfortable coming out? Some schools are certainly more liberal (and safer) to come out in than others. While it's important that you don't have to live in secrecy, it's more important that you actually live through high school. See if you can find other LGBT allies at school, and weigh your options accordingly.![[Image]](images/Queer_048_2.jpg)
Who do you want to come out to? Even if you only come out to one person, and even if he or she seems trustworthy, there is always a chance that you might be outed to the whole school. Make sure you can really trust the person you tell to keep a secret or that you're ready for everyone to find out.![[Image]](images/Queer_048_3.jpg)
Are you ready to handle some rejection? It's freeing to come out —who doesn't want to live authentically? —but you should be prepared for some rejection and maybe even harassment. Your friends might get weird after you tell them. They may be afraid that people will judge them for being friends with you, or they may even think you will now start coming on to them! In most cases, people just need time to process it all, but sometimes you will lose someone close to you. Of course, you might not want a friend who won't accept you, but at the same time, it can be hard to lose all of your friends at once, which does happen for some people. So it's an important thing to consider.
Before you come out to people, you might want to test the waters a bit, to see how they feel about LGBT people in general. Assess the situation. Your friends may be giant homophobes or the biggest gay rights cheerleaders this side of Margaret Cho. How can you find out? Even before you come out to people, it's pretty easy to tell if they're gay-friendly or not. Just figure out a way to bring up the issue in conversation. "Did you hear they're going to start marrying gay people in our church? What do you think about that?" "Billy Jones just called Orlando a faggot. That pisses me off." "If I hear 'no homo' one more time, I'm going to scream." Listen to how they respond, and then decide whether or not you feel comfortable coming out to them.
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So you've decided to come out to a friend. How do you actually utter the words? It will likely depend on the closeness of your friendship, and your own communication style. Here are two suggestions.
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Tell your friend you'd like to talk to them about something in private. This is a good way to let them know something important is on your mind. Warning: This can also make it seem like you're about to say some big bad thing, and your friend might get nervous. The up side is that when you say you're just queer, your friend might actually be relieved!![[Image]](images/Queer_050_2.jpg)
Just let it slip into conversation. When the boys are talking about the girls they like, say that you think another guy is hot. Or say you wish your school had a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) because you would attend. (More about GSAs on [>] and [>].) If you can do it this way, it normalizes the situation and doesn't make it seem like a big deal. (Because it's really not.)
If you are only at the stage of questioning your sexual orientation, it can be helpful to talk to a close friend about what you're going through. You can even ask your friend questions about himself or herself in order to introduce the topic. For instance, if you are trans, you might start the conversation off with, "Have you ever wished you were a boy (or girl)?" Not only is this a good way to get into a conversation, but it's also a good segue into talking about yourself.
If your parents are not accepting who you are, or maybe someone at home is just plain abusive, you may think about packing up and leaving. But think things through before you decide to leave. Life on the streets is really rough. And once you become homeless, it can be really hard to work your way back into society. If you find yourself in an unbearable situation, first investigate your other options, like staying with a friend's family or a relative. If all that fails and you do find yourself on the streets (or if your parents actually put you there), make your way to a social services agency (see Resources section) that can help you work things out with your family or, if that's not possible, help you find housing, stay in school, and possibly get a job. According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, up to 42 percent of homeless teens surveyed in 2006 identified as gay or lesbian and others identified as bisexual or transgender. Many of these teens were likely facing rejection or even abuse at home because of their sexuality. Reach out and get the help you need so you don't become a statistic yourself.
Now that you're out, you might feel the urge to go buy those spandex short-shorts and sprinkle glitter on your eyelashes. Or you might cut your hair just like Tegan and Sara and start wearing nothing but rainbow T-shirts. That's cool. Style is a big part of who you are as a teen, and it's important to express yourself. But don't think you have to follow any particular stereotype.
You may be a lesbian who is a girly girl who loves makeup and shopping for lacy underwear, or a gay boy who only wears khakis and loves to play lacrosse. You don't have to play into a stereotype or conform to "gay" fashion if it doesn't feel like you. And if other LGBT kids your age are giving you grief for looking or behaving straight, just laugh it off and remember this wise statement Kathy once saw scrawled on a bathroom wall: "You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same." It's enough to have to deal with getting criticized by straight people for not being like them; you certainly don't need to deal with that from the queer community!
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Coming out to yourself—and to others —is not the easiest thing for anyone, much less someone in high school who's already dealing with tons of other stress. If Your parents don't accept you, it can make you feel pretty crappy. Or maybe you don't want to be gay and wish you could change. Or the kids at school are treating you like last year's jeans. If you're feeling bummed, it's pretty normal to cry for a few days, retreat to your room, and not answer your cell phone or email. But if, after a week, dressing up the family dog as a Vegas showgirl still doesn't cheer you up, you may want to get some help. And If you're doing something like cutting yourself to try to make the pain inside go away, you definitely need to talk to someone. Cutting will not make the root cause of your pain go away, and until you address the root cause, you're not going to truly feel better. Ultimately, you need to find a way to accept —and really love —who you are.
Many times we're tempted to come out first to the person we have a crush on. If the feelings are mutual, that can be an awesome thing. But if they're not, you risk not only some awkward moments but also putting a strain on your friendship—especially if you're not even sure whether your crush is queer or queer-friendly. Just be prepared for either. If you get rejected, don't make it more than it is: a single (not lifetime) rejection. Although it may suck at the time, it'll make you stronger.
It's a mature step to reach out to a professional; just make sure that your therapist is queer-friendly! The last thing you want to do is go to a therapist who has never met an LGBT person or has the goal of "reforming" you to be straight (see [>]). If you even suspect either of these things about your prospective therapist, look for someone else. Here are some ways to find queer-positive therapists:
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The internet. You can just Google "youth LGBT therapist" (along with your ZIP code or city) and see what comes up. Counselors who specialize in LGBT issues will post that on their websites.![[Image]](images/Queer_054_2.jpg)
A local LGBT center. If you live in a city with an LGBT center, call and ask if it has a list of queer-friendly therapists.![[Image]](images/Queer_054_3.jpg)
Queer-friendly publications. Look at ads in local LGBT publications, like alternative or gay newspapers or an LGBT phonebook.![[Image]](images/Queer_054_4.jpg)
Insurance plans. If your parents' or your insurance plan gives you a list of therapists, call ahead and see who has experience working with LGBT teens.Don't get discouraged if you don't find the right therapist on your first shot. Sometimes you have to go through a few before you find one that really works for you.
In some cases, your parents are the ones who want you to go to therapy, not you. They think that because you are gay or trans, you might need someone to talk to. Even If you don't feel like going, give it a shot at least once or twice. Talking to someone about what's going on with you can be really helpful—as long as they don't try to change you.
Perhaps you don't want or need to go to a professional counselor, but you do want to talk to someone who isn't going to judge you and can give an unbiased opinion. Peer counseling can be a great option in this instance. Peer counselors are other teens who have been trained to listen and help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. Peer counseling programs are offered at some high schools, LGBT community centers, and other teen programs.
LGBT teens are more likely than straight teens to attempt suicide. Some studies show that up to 40 percent of gay teens and 39 percent of lesbian youth attempt suicide at some point. This is not because they are queer; it's because they are having a hard time dealing with how society treats them for being queer. Suicide is not the answer. If you are feeling suicidal—or think a friend is—talk to a trusted friend, parent, teacher, counselor, or coach. Check out The Trevor Project (thetrevorproject.org), which is an organization for queer teens that has a 24-hour help line (see Resources section).
How I Came Out at School
All of my friends in grade school knew I liked boys, and whenever anyone tried to bully me by calling me gay, everyone else just laughed and said, "Of course he is, duh!" But then I enrolled in an all-boys high school with only a few of my old friends. I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was gay, but I never declared it outright either. The guys I dated went to other schools, and I took girls to formal dances because they were my best friends and I knew we'd have a blast together.
Then, during my sophomore year, something happened that changed everything. I was sitting at the lunch table with friends, and this jerky guy came up to the table and said, "OK, Marke, time to admit it. Tell everyone that you're a fag." At first we all laughed at how ridiculous it sounded, but then everyone's eyes turned to me, and I realized I had to say something. I'd never officially come out, but it seemed like now or never. So I took a deep breath and said with a shrug, "I prefer the term gay."
Things got a little strange after that. Now that it was out in the open, some of my friends turned a cold shoulder to me for a while, afraid that they'd somehow be tainted socially by knowing me. That didn't last long, but it hurt. They eventually realized that I was the same person I'd always been and that hanging out with me didn't change anything about their social status—the people who liked them still liked them, and the people who didn't still didn't. Did everyone look at me in class whenever something remotely gay came up? Yes. So I just made sure I looked great and tried to handle everything with style. It was a little lonely being the only out person in my school. But soon enough, a couple of questioning guys came to me for advice, and I found out that I wasn't the only one after all.
Sometimes the best person to talk to is a friend or sibling, since they often know you best. But remember that people close to you may advise you to do what they would do, which isn't always the same as what's best for you. Also, some problems, like abuse, depression, eating disorders, or drug and alcohol addicitons need to be dealt with by a skilled professional.
No one can change the fact that you're queer. But some adults may freak out about it and try to change you through "reparative therapy," also called "conversion therapy." This is when a counselor or therapist attempts to "make you straight," a practice that is denounced by the American Psychological Association. It's a cruel, discriminatory tactic that usually ends up causing the person receiving "treatment" a lot of unnecessary confusion and pain. No amount of trying to imagine that you're straight or practicing "methods" designed to make you feel bad about yourself will change you—but this kind of therapy can screw you up. For one, you may start to hate who you are. And you are likely to get frustrated with trying really hard to change and not being able to.
If your parents want to take you to a reparative therapist, don't agree to it. There is nothing wrong with being LGBT! Offer instead to see a queer-friendly therapist, and let them know you'd even be willing to see one together.