Six Keys to Guide Your Use-of-Self in the Leading Meaningful Change Process
Six Keys to Guide Your Use-of-Self in the Leading Meaningful Change Process
Developing Use-of-Self is a lifelong learning process. There is no magic formula or one best way to do it. Each individual needs to find their own way. The following six keys have proven to be effective in helping leaders, managers, and change agents to build on their strengths and unlock their old beliefs and patterns that were counterproductive or that blocked them from achieving their desired impact. You could also incorporate these keys in your leadership development plan. The six keys are:
Let’s explore the six keys to guide your Use-of-Self as you lead, manage, and participate in the LMC Process. For each key, I provide an overview, an example, and an exercise that you can do on your own or with others. In part 2 of the book, you will find more exercises to assist you in working on these keys.
We often assume that we are always choosing to be our best adult self, that we mature with age and make the best choices. However, we know this isn’t true. In all probability, at various times in your life, you have behaved poorly, blamed or praised others when they didn’t deserve it, or acted out your feelings inappropriately. Basically, you were not living your best adult self.
In our book Triple Impact Coaching: Use-of-Self in the Coaching Process, Edie Seashore and I described the link between the choices we make as individuals and the resulting impact that we can have on others. When we are conscious and intentional about the choices we make, we can have a positive impact that starts with ourselves and then cascades to our team, to the rest of the organization, and to the communities that we work with and serve. On the other hand, when we are not conscious and intentional, our choices can have a negative impact on ourselves or others.
So what influences our choices? The Choice Awareness Matrix developed by Edie Seashore and shown in Table 3 highlights the choices we make and how we may attribute them to ourselves or others.
Table 3 Choice Awareness Matrix
|
Choice Attributed to Self |
Choice Attributed to Others |
|
|---|---|---|
|
Aware |
Accountable Deliberate Intentional |
Praise or Blame |
|
Unaware |
Automatic Robotic Habitual |
Socialization Inheritance Adapt Assimilate |
When we are aware of our choices, we are accountable, deliberate, and intentional. We take ownership of our behavior and actions. If we make a mistake, we acknowledge that we made it and take responsibility for it. But if we are aware and attribute our choice to others, we may choose to blame or praise them. For example, you may have worked really hard on something, but instead of acknowledging your own work, you may choose to praise other people like your teacher, colleagues, and even your team. Or if you worked hard on a project and it failed, you might blame someone else for the failure.
This also applies to your use of social media. It begins with your intention and how you want to show up in your communications and the message you want to send. We have seen people use social media intentionally to praise and help others, but we have also seen how social media can be used to harm others. This is one example of how your Use-of-Self, or its lack, can quickly result in a positive or negative impact that cascades from you to the team, organization, community, and planet.
Sometimes we make choices even though we are unaware of doing so. When this happens, we are operating on automatic. For instance, think of how you use your phone. When it rings, beeps, or alerts you to an email or a text, do you look at it right away? Do you answer it automatically regardless of who you are with or what you are doing? Even though you may not think you are making a choice, answering the phone is a clear decision.
Many choices we make are based on how we were socialized in our values, beliefs, and culture. For example, in the workplace, you may have been socialized to avoid conflict or respect authority and people in positions of power. If this is the case, you may choose not to challenge your boss or boss’s boss when you are in meetings. You may even wait until you are called upon to speak even if you have a valuable contribution to make. Or you may have been socialized to be “in control” at all times and tend to take over meetings and be the most vocal, preventing others from contributing.
Think about what you have assimilated in your life that you choose to focus on in your interactions with people in positions of power and authority. Can you recognize when assimilation (unconscious bias) might be taking over? What choices are you making based on your family culture, professional discipline, assumptions you have about your position and role, and/or any socialization that influences how you show up in your leadership role?
Here is an example of when I resisted change and the choices I made during the installation of a new accounting system to use in my practice. My husband, Don, is my IT guy. He takes care of all our technology and enjoys doing this work. I, on the other hand, am less intuitive and not comfortable with technology. Just as I was leaving to go on a business trip, Don gave me a link to a video demonstration to help orient me to the new system. My first choice (aware: accountable) was that I procrastinated and did not do the prework. When I returned home to do an invoice as I usually do (unaware: automatic), I quickly realized that I had a lot of questions and needed some training. Learning the new accounting system required a lot more time than I had planned. I was worried that I would make a mistake and lose my data (unaware: socialization—I once had a bad experience when I lost my data while working on a project. I also was accustomed to having a print guide or a step-by-step process that I could follow when learning something new). I “chose” to be frustrated and impatient instead of open to new learning. I reacted poorly and blamed Don for not setting me up with a training manual and coaching to make the process easier for me (aware: blame—attributed to others).
In hindsight, my best adult self could have chosen to take responsibility for my poor behavior and for not doing my prework. I was impatient and could have been more appreciative of his diligence in finding a good accounting system and setting it up in time for my return from my business trip. I could have also chosen a better time for the implementation and expressed more clearly what help I needed to learn the system (aware: accountable). This would have made the change process more effective for both of us.
You can use the Choice Awareness Matrix to reflect on how well you are doing in being accountable to yourself and others, and to understand your impact in making conscious and deliberate choices. The matrix helps you reflect on your beliefs, values, perceptions, and behaviors that influence your choices and interactions with others. Awareness of these aspects of yourself enables you to make better choices about how you intentionally want to interact with others and achieve your desired impact.
During any change effort, most people at some point will resist the change. Understanding that resistance and the choices available to each of us helps us be more effective as change agents and in working with others to adopt and support the changes earlier and throughout the process. This has proven to save time, money, and effort, which ultimately leads to the achievement of more effective and efficient business results.
Think of a time when you resisted change. If you are stuck trying to come up with an example, think of a renovation or move that you may have lived through at home or in your office, or when you installed a new technology system or implemented a new business process at work. Here are a few questions about that change effort that can help you reflect on it and explore the notion of having choices as you lead and manage future change:
Using your example, go back and review the Choice Awareness Matrix in Table 3. Were you aware of the choices you made when you were resisting change? What would you do differently next time?
In my interviews with leaders, I have asked many about their own choices. Here is one executive leader’s reflection:
When I am at my best, I remember that it is not all about me. I slow things down and try to walk in the shoes of others, to deepen my understanding and to gain empathy for what the other person is experiencing. I listen to understand. My internal dialogue goes something like this: “I always have a choice. I make the decision about my reaction and response. I can choose to be reactive or constructive in my Use-of-Self.” I no longer say to myself, “You made me…,” or “I had or have no choice.”
Your beliefs, values, and perceptions influence the choices you make in your thoughts and behaviors, and these then impact your interactions with others and your performance in all that you do. Awareness of self enables us to make better choices and be more purposeful about our intentions. When we are aware, we are accountable, deliberate, and intentional in how we choose to be present, show up, think, and act.
Our Use-of-Self is our most valuable instrument in the change process, and the only one that we can control. As a leader, a manager, a follower, an intervenor, a change agent, or any other role that you play, you may be juggling and managing your own reactions to change, and depending on how effective you are, you may have a positive or negative impact on others and, ultimately, on the system.
In their book Dangerous Opportunity: Making Change Work, Chris Musselwhite and Randell Jones describe four stages of transition: acknowledging, reacting, investigating, and implementing, as summarized in Table 4.8 These reflect the typical reactions that people experience when going through a transition process. Musselwhite and Jones state that trying to skip over the stages can lead to a false sense of accomplishment and derail the change. Reacting and investigating represent the most challenging stages of any change process. They are phases when perspectives shift from the old to the new and when most emotional energy is expended.
Given this framework for how people react and adapt to change, the value of Use-of-Self is evident. It is important to pay attention to what you and others need as you go through the change process. What stage are you and others in?
Here is how one team leader described Use-of-Self as he managed his day-to-day operations:
I am constantly juggling what is needed to lead my team, deal with staff issues and crises, manage the day-to-day operations and develop the big picture, vision, and strategy for my organization. My Use-of-Self is in the midst of it all. It helps me be self-aware by reflecting on my behavior, and the intended and unintended impacts that I am having with my team and the organization. I know that paying attention to my Use-of-Self is instrumental in helping me develop strategies to maintain my resilience, manage my resistance, and be responsible and effective as a leader and manager. It also helps me to help others to do the same. I see the concept as a way of emphasizing the intersection of my Self with the many other considerations that permeate effective leadership.
As leaders, our goal in leading meaningful change is to understand the dynamics of our own triggers, reactions, and emotions as we ourselves go through the change process so that we can develop strategies to reduce the tension and churn that can occur. When we understand ourselves and are aware of our choices, we are better able to help people in our organizations go through the change and regain their health and productivity as quickly as possible. If we don’t lead and manage it well, we can have an exponential negative impact that reverberates across the organization.
Now let’s put this concept into practice. Think about a time when you lived through a change. It began with an ending, then there was the transition period, and then a new beginning. You may have experienced this transition process personally when you moved out on your own for the first time, became a parent, or got married, or you may have experienced it professionally when you started a new job or project in your organization. With this change, even if it was expected, you went through a cycle that was something like Musselwhite and Jones’s four stages.
With your chosen change in mind, let’s examine it in greater detail by understanding more deeply the nature of resistance. The experience of resistance is not the same for everyone. In fact, I suggest there are four distinctive types of resistance: cognitive, political, psychological, and ideological. Being able to distinguish among these four will help you master your Use-of-Self as you experience the phases yourself and as you coach others through a change.
Table 4 Stages of Transition: Typical Reactions Summary
| Stage 1: Acknowledging | People are shocked and feel threatened. They may deny that a change has happened and may appear slower in their thinking, distracted, and forgetful. Productivity may be low. |
| Stage 2: Reacting | People express a range of reactions: anger, depression, withdrawal, etc. They may try to bargain and keep old ways, and not move or adopt the changes. People may hold out and think that they can “wait and see” if this too shall pass. People may cycle back to stage 1, when their emotions are denied or ignored. |
| Stage 3: Investigating | People may express grief and sadness but may also begin to explore the possibility of future options. Their willingness to explore new options may be mixed with some reservation. Emotions can range from excitement to anxiety. |
| Stage 4: Implementing | People appear ready to establish new routines, adapt to new systems, and help others learn new ways. They may be comfortable with the change, be more flexible and creative, and take more risks. The change is viewed not as a “change,” but “the way we do things around here.” |
Cognitive resistance is usually the easiest type of resistance to notice. This shows up when people ask analytical questions about change like: What is the logic or rationale for this change? How much will it cost? What are the wise practices or benchmarks that are informing the change? What is the evidence that we need to change? How do we measure up against our competition?
Political resistance is focused on power dynamics. Political resistance often takes place when decisions are made top-down, or unilaterally, without a real or perceived opportunity for input from others. People may not fully understand the reason for the changes and may react by lobbying or protesting as a group against the changes, refusing to do the work, or conducting workarounds to avoid implementing new policies and procedures. On a personal level, if someone perceives that they may lose their personal power and influence, they may sabotage the changes by not meeting deadlines, blocking the changes, failing to communicate information, speaking negatively about the change, or challenging authority. Individuals may use their personal power and connections with other people and networks in organizations to spread rumors and create confusion, intentionally and unintentionally.
Psychological resistance can surface when people feel vulnerable and perceive the change as a threat to their livelihood, or too big a challenge that will stretch them beyond their capabilities. It can occur when they need to learn something like a new technology or new work processes, but fear that they will not be able to learn at the pace needed or do not have the skills and supports to succeed. Psychological resistance can even show up, surprisingly, in people who have typically been very confident and successful in their role, but who may go through a crisis of confidence as they anticipate the change. They may experience a lack of self-esteem that is demonstrated by being overly critical of themselves, feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and having trouble focusing.
Depending on the type and impact of the change on their personal life and their day-to-day work, people may need help through training and development, coaching, mentoring, and peer support to overcome psychological resistance. In one organization, we implemented peer coaching for two weeks to help people adapt to a new technology system. We provided guides, a toolkit with pictures of the new processes, and a step-by-step instruction manual that they could read on their own and keep handy when they were using the new system. We also tracked their progress daily with a scorecard so they could gauge how quickly they were adapting to the new system by seeing the reduction of errors.
Ideological resistance is the hardest type of resistance to change. Ideology is based on our beliefs, values, principles, and philosophies. Wars are fought over ideologies. In a business example, when I worked in social services during a recession, the organization I worked with had a reputation for delivering the best social service programs in the country. We were committed and proud to be helping people find sustainable long-term employment in their field of training. This meant that if an engineer was unemployed, we would support them until they found another engineering job or equivalent because we believed they would be able to be self-sufficient for the long term. Then we had a change in government that embraced a different ideology, one that focused on short-term assistance and cost reduction. The new philosophy was “any job is a good job.” Initially we resisted and questioned the principles and values that were driving the program cuts and the related changes in policy and practices that would make it more difficult for clients to find long-term sustainable employment.
Now that you understand the four types of resistance, you can work on recognizing them in yourself and others. For example, go back to your example of resistance and ask yourself, “What type of resistance was I experiencing at that time? What did I need to move forward?” Or pick a situation when you worked with people who were resisting. What type of resistance were they demonstrating and what did they need to adapt to the changes? The more you understand your resistance, the better you will be at coaching yourself and others throughout the change process.
For many years, I have been doing the following Inspiring Leaders Exercise with groups, asking them to select a leader whom they admire the most and to explain why. President John F. Kennedy, Queen Elizabeth, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Mohandas Gandhi, Malala Yousafzai, Terry Fox, and Mother Teresa are some of the leaders identified.
Once everyone gives me their responses, I ask them what the leaders they have selected have in common. One theme is consistent in the answers I receive: they are all people who led significant transformation—personally and politically—that wasn’t easy, yet they had a huge impact in the world. In further discussion, the group also usually recognizes that the leaders they have identified have three key skills in common: technical, political, and symbolic. All three are essential to lead people through significant change.
Technical skills: All these leaders excelled at getting things done. President Kennedy, for example, was admired for having a technical team who had the know-how to send a man to the moon.
Political skills: All these leaders understood their political context and were effective in working with their internal, local, and global political stakeholders. They used their personal power, both formal and informal, to influence others, build coalitions, and drum up support for their causes. Queen Elizabeth is the world’s longest-reigning monarch in history. Nelson Mandela sacrificed his freedom for human rights and later became president of South Africa.
Symbolic skills: These leaders were selfless and worked for a higher purpose. They stood up for their values and beliefs in challenging times. They endured difficult circumstances and personal sacrifice. Their leadership actions and stories inspired nations and generations around the world. Their legacies are symbols for peace, equality, and human rights, as demonstrated by the convictions of the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, Malala Yousafzai, Terry Fox, and Mother Teresa.
Are you using technical, political, and symbolic skills in your approach to leading and managing change? The more aware you become about how you use these three skills in your approach to leadership, the more dynamic you will be in leading change.
Reframing is related to the French word recentrer, meaning to be recentered. When you reframe a situation, you alter the meaning you attach to the experience so that you can “see” things in a different way or with a new perspective. Reframing is a powerful process when you are off-center, are doing something misaligned with your values or principles, or need to view a problem, situation, or conflict from a different perspective or angle that you may not have initially agreed with, including how you look at the impossible and make it possible. Reframing can be used to create better choices and strategies to reduce conflict within ourselves or in our relationships. Reframing is especially important in leading change.
Here is a personal example of how I once had to remind myself to reframe an incident. I am not a very good golfer, but I do enjoy the game. Every once in a while, I have a great shot or get par and feel great. I have confidence and want to come back and play again. However, not every shot is a winner. Sometimes I whack the ball too hard, or my ball goes off in the wrong direction and lands in the sand trap or in the rough. When this happens, I often choose to be angry, frustrated, and very critical of myself. I say things like, “Bev, keep your head down. Focus. You didn’t follow through. Bev, don’t whack the ball. It weighs only 1.6 ounces!” When I keep up this negative thinking and behavior, I can go into a cycle of frustration and disappointment with myself and have a terrible game.
If I choose to reframe my frustration as an opportunity to learn and practice, I am more relaxed, and I do better and enjoy my game. My self-talk usually goes something like, “Bev, good try. That shot was a good miss. Now you can practice your sand wedge! It’s not so bad, at least you are getting in your exercise and can enjoy the beautiful view! What could you do differently next time?” The reframing of my errors does not take away the fact that I had a bad shot, but it helps me take a pause, reflect, and think more constructively about my last move. I can choose a different approach for my next shot. I can break the pattern of carrying over my negative thinking and feelings about my performance and my last error and choose to be more positive and constructive. I can also choose to change my attitude and enjoy the rest of my game.
Here is an example of reframing that occurred during a merger that I was consulting on.
I was working with the transition team responsible for leading the second attempt at a merger of two construction associations. We were putting together the objectives for a board meeting that was to bring together the board of directors from both associations, and I proposed that the meeting be designed to reset the plan for the merger. The electricians in the room informed me that the word “reset” in the electrical trade is not a positive thing (it means the root problem was not addressed and it needs more work), so they feared that people would see the first attempt as a failure. We quickly reframed the word “reset” to “continue” to develop our plan. This reframe created more energy and motivation to embark on the second phase of the merger.
In another example, I was working with a team who was getting ready to implement a new organizational structure. They were worried about how people would receive the new structure, since they had already gone through several restructuring exercises in previous years and were promised that there would be no further changes. They were going to use the word “realignment” to explain their plan to implement the new and revised organizational structure. After we discussed the possible unintended consequences of using “realignment,” they changed it to “alignment,” which was more in tune with the principles behind the change. They wanted to convey the message that change is an ongoing process, so alignment also needs to be an active and iterative process. In this context, the organizational structure needed to be adaptive and responsive to whatever emerges throughout the change journey.
Here is how the reframing process works. The Reframing Exercise involves three steps, which I will explain with examples:
Before we begin, make a table with three columns, as shown in Table 5.
Table 5 Reframing Exercise
| Characteristics about Myself That I Value | Psychological Opposites | Reframes |
|---|---|---|
Identify two or three values or characteristics that describe you at your best. What does your behavior look like when you are living your values? How do other people experience you when you are living your values? How do you feel when others are living the same values or characteristics that you identified?
| Characteristics about Myself That I Value | Psychological Opposites | Reframes |
|---|---|---|
| Productive |
For example: I value being productive. When I am productive, I am energized and busy. I have a sense of accomplishment when my work is done and done well. I like working with others who also value being productive because, together, we get things done.
Now identify two or three words that reflect the opposite of your values. I call these the “uglies.” We all have them. This is when we are not living our values or are not our best self. It is our psychological opposites that reflect our “shadow self”—a part of our behavior that we don’t usually like about ourselves. Since we find these behaviors unacceptable in ourselves, we have difficulty accepting them in others. These behaviors prompt us to get into conflict, dismiss others, and even dislike ourselves and others.
Our behavior when we are acting in our psychological opposites can block our ability to see different perspectives or opportunities. It may even block our ability to build relationships and work effectively with others or to be open to new opportunities. Often people don’t like to talk about their psychological opposites because they may feel vulnerable and don’t want to admit that they act this way.
Some people try to influence or soften the description of their psychological opposites when working with others. However, it is important to be honest about your psychological opposites because it will help you dig deeper to identify your personal values and beliefs that you hold dear. When we are behaving in our psychological opposites, we are usually in an uncomfortable place that is unique to each of us, so the words you select as the opposites of your values should have a true personal meaning to you. The words you choose may not mean the same to someone else.
Identify your psychological opposites. What are you thinking, feeling, and doing when you are not living the values or characteristics that you identified in step 1? How do you work with others who demonstrate the same psychological opposites?
| Characteristics about Myself That I Value | Psychological Opposites | Reframes |
|---|---|---|
| Productive | Lazy |
My psychological opposite of productive is lazy. When I am lazy, I procrastinate and ignore the important things that I should be working on. I take more time to do simple tasks, and my work is usually sloppy, not up to my own or other people’s expectations. I don’t feel a sense of urgency or accomplishment. When I work with others who I think are lazy, I am frustrated and don’t want to depend on them, so I end up doing the work myself. This is not productive for me or others, which leads to our next step: reframes.
The third step is to reframe your psychological opposites into frames that help you take a new perspective or change your thinking and actions so that you can be more effective when acting in your psychological opposites. The reframes should be adjectives or adverbs that would allow these behaviors to be acceptable to you. That makes it easier to work with others who demonstrate that behavior. To develop the reframes, you need to reflect on how you feel when you act in your psychological opposites, which may be similar to how others feel when they act in ways that you find unacceptable. Having a reframe ready when you find yourself in a conflict situation may eliminate some emotion from the situation and help you be more constructive in your Use-of-Self and working with others.
| Characteristics about Myself That I Value | Psychological Opposites | Reframes |
|---|---|---|
| Productive | Lazy | Pacing |
My reframe for being lazy is pacing. When I slow down the pace of my work, I feel relaxed and in control. I am more likely to take a break that will help me reenergize and focus. It reminds me to breathe and notice that not everything is urgent or needs to be ramped up to full steam ahead. Also, when I reframe when others are being lazy and choose to think instead that they too are pacing their work, it helps me approach them differently. I can appreciate that they too need a break. This reframe helps me take a different perspective and move more quickly to develop effective solutions that will help us be more productive and that works for them and myself!
Now it’s your turn. What are your reframes for your psychological opposites?
The greater awareness you developed in mastering Use-of-Self does not suggest you can make conflict over power disappear. Let’s face it: most of us have a love-hate relationship with power, yet it is inherent in all our interactions. We can choose to own our power or give it away. We can choose to empower others or take power away from them. We can also choose to share our power with others or control it. Being aware of how we use our power helps us be more effective at leading, managing, influencing, and empowering ourselves and others.
Sometimes we are deliberate about how we use our power; at other times, we may not be fully aware of our impact. We may need to get feedback from others to close the gap. Regardless of how we obtain it or give it away, we are always making choices about how we use our power—for example, to help ourselves, to help others, or to influence a situation.
How you use power requires understanding four types: personal, formal, informal, and collective power.
Personal power is your unique Use-of-Self that people admire and want to emulate. For example, people may respect your personal charm, your charisma, or a quality in you, such as your ability to communicate. They may admire your expertise, skills, knowledge, and achievements. Others may respect your power because they want to be influenced, taught, coached, or mentored by you. People may follow you on social media to glean your wisdom. People with personal power are credible, trustworthy, good communicators, and able to influence others.
Formal power derives from formal roles, authorities, and accountabilities. Formal power structures, processes, accountabilities, and responsibilities are usually documented. They are spelled out in governance documents, organizational designs and structures, job descriptions, project charters, and contracts. However, even if these formal power structures are written down, formal power is often not enough. We often need to pay attention to and use informal power sources that are less visible.
Informal power is focused on our relationships with people outside of our formal roles and structures. These informal power sources include people whom you may have previously worked with in other parts of the organization, former committee or workgroup members, clients, partners, colleagues, friends from work, and those you may interact with in your community or professional networks, associations, or social clubs.
Collective power is the fourth power source and it comes from belonging to groups with whom you share the same values, interests, or objectives. These may be communities of practice, professional or political networks and workgroups, strategic alliances or partnerships, unions, trade associations, community groups, and any other relevant connections. These groups collaborate and share power. They often make decisions based on democratic principles and consensus. They speak as one voice for the collective. They also have power in numbers and can influence as a collective or community. Alternatively, they can be stakeholder or interest groups that lobby for the interests of the collective to make a decision or influence a policy or approach to the change. Depending on their power as a collective or community, they can support and positively influence your change, or disrupt and derail it.
One source of information on power is the book Napoleonic Leadership: A Study in Power, by Stephanie Jones and Jonathan Gosling. The authors studied Napoleon’s rise and fall and drew some lessons for today’s leaders that resonate with the Use-of-Self concept relative to how to gain and use power on the battlefield, in domestic and international politics, or in leading complex change in the workplace. As they point out, the strengths of Napoleonic leadership can include brilliance in a chosen field, charisma, fearlessness, adventurousness, confidence, energy, determination, passion, vision, and excellent planning and organization skills. But these strengths also have a shadow side, such as needing constant acclaim, demanding adulation, callously wasting resources, assuming constant success, focusing on self-preserving behaviors, and being egotistical and narcissistic, overly controlling and autocratic, manipulative, obsessive, and naïve. Jones and Gosling also document how some leaders like Napoleon resort to questionable strategies to legitimize their power. These include patronage, meritocracy, charisma, opportunism, manipulation, coercion, popularity, and succession.9
Here is an example from my consulting practice of how all four types of power were used in a change effort. The project was at a university, and one element of it involved becoming a more student-focused institution, which would require everyone working together as a community. We conducted a formal process that included meetings and focus groups with each of the service area management teams, front-line service providers, support staff, parents, and students to understand what was working well versus what needed to be addressed to improve and enhance student life and the learning experience. We also held a contest whereby the students were invited to make suggestions and identify opportunities to improve and enhance services offered to them. This contest tapped into their collective power and produced recommendations that were well received and represented the voice of the student community. The results were then presented to the formal system for discussions and approvals of the student union, senior leadership team, and other representatives, and were then prioritized and incorporated in the larger strategy.
The senior leaders also “experienced a day in the life of a student,” in which they observed a service area other than their own and received services in real time as if they were a student. They also talked informally with people in the community to learn about their ideas to enhance student life and the learning experience. These two activities helped them tap into their informal power and provided unstructured opportunities to connect and learn informally and naturally, which they would not normally do in their day-to-day.
Following these activities, the senior leaders then came together to talk about what they observed and learned through both our formal and informal research processes. The leaders’ personal power, or Use-of-Self, played a key role in their effectiveness as individual leaders and as an entire team throughout the consultation process. They put a lot of thought into how they wanted to show up, using their formal, informal, and collective power. They balanced their use of power, being accountable, directive, participative, and collaborative. They were intentional in how they chose to communicate, frame the study, ask questions, and challenge their own and each other’s thinking. They were also committed to suspending judgment and being open to new learning. Their individual and collective Use-of-Self had a direct impact on their ability to build confidence in themselves as leaders and as the leadership team. This resulted in trust and confidence in the final plan and the changes that were about to occur. For some of the leaders, this approach was a leadership development opportunity that they embraced. For others, it required coaching, skill development, and learning more about themselves so that they could communicate more effectively as leaders who wanted and needed to influence others to change their behaviors and act differently.
As a change leader, you may find yourself working with all four types of power, or you may find yourself needing to develop your power to be effective in a particular area. We are often not aware of how subtly we may have lost our power, or how unwittingly we give it away. For example, I once attended a presentation given by a young manager to her team, who constantly interrupted her with questions and sideline issues. Her focus on the issue she came to speak about kept veering off into different directions. She gave away her power by choosing not to bring the team back to the key objective of her presentation. She ended up not receiving the approval she needed to advance her project. Not asserting her needs ultimately had a negative impact on her work. People walked away thinking she did not have control of the meeting and that her topic was not important.
Another way to lose our personal power is when we ourselves give it up to someone else. For example, when we hear that our ideas are being credited to someone else and we do nothing to correct this misattribution, we are giving up our power. However, we can just as easily take away someone’s power by stepping in and doing their work when they need to do it for themselves to keep their power.
Consider these questions about your use of power:
In part 2, you will find the Power Map Exercise to help you map the formal and informal power dynamics that are at play in your work and gain insight into how to develop your Use-of-Self to navigate the situation.
Learning how to give and receive feedback is an essential element in developing your Use-of-Self so you can have meaningful conversations with individuals in teams and groups throughout the organization during the LMC Process. Feedback can be a positive and sometimes challenging experience during which we learn about ourselves and the impact of our behavior on others. It can be affirming and validate what we already know about ourselves, but it can also help us learn more about our impact on others, where we are not as effective, and where we may be struggling. Feedback thus helps us grow and develop in ways that we may not have considered before.
People often make some of the following assumptions about giving and receiving feedback:
It is no wonder that people are conflicted and struggle with giving and receiving feedback. Reframing feedback as an educational tool or learning opportunity can make the experience more positive, constructive, and impactful rather than negative for both the giver and receiver.
Here are some questions to help you reflect on your beliefs and assumptions about how you give and receive feedback:
Feedback is a conversation that takes place between the giver and receiver. It is like an email exchange for which you have three choices: accept, save, or delete.
You can accept the feedback if you believe the message has meaning and matches your perception and experience. Or you can just save it, neither accepting nor rejecting it, because it does not completely match up with your expectations. It may catch you off guard and generate emotions that block your ability to hear the message. Or sometimes you can become so excited or upset that you are not fully present and do not hear the whole message. In this case, you may save the feedback until you have digested it more fully or for when you have time to follow up with the giver to clarify what they meant, to dig deeper, and to ask questions. Lastly, you can delete the feedback, disregarding it because it does not match your experience. But if you hear the same feedback consistently from multiple sources, you should probably take a closer look at it. It is important to understand that underlying all three options is the fact that the receiver always has control over how they are going to receive and interpret the message.
In addition, consider that feedback always reveals something more about the giver than the receiver. For example, in giving feedback, the giver chooses what is important to focus on. The feedback reflects the expression or interpretation of the giver’s own beliefs, assumptions, values, perceptions, and intentions. The problem is, we often fail to remember that the giver is not an unbiased source and is actually a player in whether the feedback process is successful or not. Thus, it is important to look more closely at your Use-of-Self when you give and receive feedback.
Let’s look in detail at how a successful feedback process works. When giving feedback, it is important to be aware that you are telling the receiver something about yourself, not just giving the other person a message. In fact, if you think about any time you have received feedback yourself, you can see that the message is as much about the “what” as it is about the “how.” People communicate using a tone of voice, emotion, and body language, and from their own lens that reflects what they value and believe is important and meaningful to them. The feedback represents what they desire for your continued behavior or changes that they would like you to make. Given this, to have successful feedback, the giver needs to be cognizant of what they are revealing. The more you disclose about your values, beliefs, and perceptions, the better the receiver will understand your intentions.
On the other side, the more the receiver discloses what they would like to have feedback on, the higher the probability that the feedback will be more meaningful and helpful. As the receiver, it is thus important to ask the giver for what you are seeking from the feedback so that you can increase the chances of getting the feedback you need.
Finally, recognize that successful feedback is a loop. When you are the giver of feedback, you don’t know how effective you’ve been in communicating your message unless you check back with the person to see how the message was received. The receiver interprets it based on their experience and perspective, which the giver may not know. Then, when the receiver responds or reacts, the giver may also have a reaction to the receiver’s reaction.
The complexity of this process may explain why the message, after going through all the filters, may not have the effect that the giver intended in the first place. This is why, in order for the feedback process to be truly complete and successful, the giver needs to follow up with the receiver to learn how the message was received and, if necessary, further refine the message to make sure it was heard as intended. The giver thus actually has the responsibility in this final phase to verify that the feedback was received in the way it was intended.
I call this final phase the “flexion point.” It is precisely the point when the right choices can make feedback successful and valuable. The giver and receiver need to take this extra step to listen more deeply to each other and learn about each other. The giver can learn how the receiver thinks and whether the way the feedback was given helps the receiver accept and use it. At the same time, the receiver can learn how the giver thinks and what they value.
Here are two suggestions to help improve the feedback process:
You can create formal and informal opportunities to exchange feedback.
Formal feedback is probably the one we are most familiar with and use most often. This takes place through such structures as performance reviews with a manager, at project milestones when reviewing lessons learned, or in debriefing sessions. It is usually planned and scheduled, and it may be influenced by other agendas that are not totally controlled by the receiver of the feedback. For instance, your organization may do performance reviews or client surveys at a scheduled time that is coordinated across the organization. You don’t always have influence over when these events will be administered, but you do have choices on how you will respond to the results.
Informal feedback is, in my opinion, the most effective way to give and get feedback. It can be exchanged at any time. Both giver and receiver can have more control in the shaping of the feedback. The informal exchanges allow for multiple rounds of discussion between the parties to clarify the information and learn about each other. I often give or take informal feedback when having lunch or dinner with colleagues or clients. The informal setting can prompt more honest and transparent feedback. It can also lead to more unsolicited feedback, so remember, if you are the receiver, you always have control in how you accept and interpret the feedback.
Anonymous feedback offers mixed results. Some people appreciate that it provides an outlet to say things they may not have the courage to say face-to-face to someone or in open conversation. But some use it to vent, to dump, and even at times to harm people. As a result, it may have less impact than the two methods above. It loses its relevance without a proper frame or grounding in context, objectives, and timing.
Anonymous feedback can be effective in the right circumstances. For instance, it can be useful to get a quick pulse or reading on what is happening, such as a reaction to a presentation. Be careful though, as we may give or receive anonymous feedback believing it is useful when in fact it may not be meaningful or change anything if there is no relevant context and follow-up. An example of useful anonymous feedback I witnessed was when a senior leader administered an online survey after every employee forum to obtain feedback on the senior management team’s ability to create a shared vision for change. He invited employees to provide their input about the change plan and how the team could ensure the forums met employee needs. People could sign their names if they wanted to do so, but most did not. The management team looked at the comments and presented a new action plan back to the participants. In general, it proved to be a successful method to obtain feedback.
A lot of organizations administer anonymous employee engagement surveys. These may provide some useful data, but leaders and managers need to follow up and dig deeper to truly understand the meaning of the results.
Practice sessions are a good way to improve your feedback process in challenging situations. For example, if you are seeking feedback on your project, you might practice with a trusted colleague or colleagues, having them watch you in action and critiquing it honestly. This can offer a more natural way to obtain feedback close to the moment when you need it most.
I often work with teams to help them prepare for presentations on their change plans. One of our exercises is to develop an elevator or hallway speech about the change. They are given two minutes to practice and then do a role-play. In coaching them, I ask them a few questions so I can have a lens for understanding what they are seeking for feedback. I ask questions such as the following: What is your intention or objective for this presentation? What do you need to know about the receivers or stakeholder group that you should anticipate or pay attention to (e.g., their level of resistance or their lack of knowledge on the issue)? How do you want your message to be received? What about your Use-of-Self do you want feedback on?
I often hear the following responses to such questions: “I want the audience to be inspired and agree to be part of the change, because right now they are resisting. They don’t fully understand how the changes can be positive for them. For feedback on my Use-of-Self, I want you to let me know if I am talking clearly about my message and if my tone was engaging and inspiring. I would also like to know if you could relate to the examples that I used. Finally, I would like to know if I inspired you to take action and be part of the change.”
As you can see, this type of practice Q & A session can help people clarify their needs for feedback.
In another example, I once worked with a colleague who asked me to give him feedback on his listening skills. He was aware he dominated discussions in meetings, seldom providing room for others to participate with their ideas and inputs. He did more talking and less listening. Given this, he asked me to give him feedback whenever I saw him overtalking and not listening so that he could become more self-aware of his behavior. He wanted to learn what he was thinking and feeling in the moment so that he could learn to catch himself sooner and adapt his behavior for the benefit of the whole team. We worked together for several weeks, during which I provided feedback to him after each meeting. Little by little, he found that he began listening more and getting better collaboration from the team.
Another example is when I conducted an exercise with a leader who was working in his second language and wanted feedback on how well he communicated. The first time he made a presentation, it was clear that he was very awkward, cumbersome, and self-conscious. I asked him to do the same presentation in his native language, and he excelled. This practice helped him realize he could succeed in his first language, which gave him more confidence. He drew from this experience and developed new strategies that helped him speak more naturally with audiences in his second language.
Rather than wait for others to give you feedback, you can also develop feedback skills by observing yourself and watching the impact of your behavior on others. Keep a journal to track the patterns you find and chart the progress of your behaviors.
For example, one new manager was struggling with getting his work done while simultaneously training his team of new hires. He was often frustrated because they took longer than he expected to get their work done. He found himself working a lot of overtime to catch up on his own work because he was constantly doing everyone else’s.
His boss gave him feedback that his approach was not helping the team and that he should develop his coaching skills. He accepted this comment and agreed to work on it, knowing it would be good for himself, the team, and ultimately the organization. He started keeping a spreadsheet of when he did well coaching his team versus when he jumped in to do their work. He monitored the context of each situation, reflecting on what he was thinking and feeling that prompted him to act in the way he did at that moment and writing down what he observed. The exercise helped him become more aware and intentional about his beliefs and choices. From that, he was able to develop a plan to correct his behavior and express what he needed from his team in a timely and effective manner.
In the part 2 toolkit, the Coaching Conversation Exercise will help you practice giving and receiving feedback.
Truly appreciating your own diversity and that of the people in your organization and external stakeholders is necessary to develop an inclusive, engaged, and highly productive workforce, community, and planet. Every individual is unique, special, and valuable in their own way. There are many types of diversity: age, gender, sexual orientation, family status, education, professional training, social experiences, values, beliefs and traditions, religion, language, geography, country of origin, organization and work cultures, and more. Such wide diversity enhances how we live, work, and play.
Our world and workplaces today are complex environments, which makes it all the more critical to go beyond just appreciating our differences to actually leveraging the uniqueness and diversity of people. The wide range of individuals, teams, and organizations we encounter allow us to learn and benefit from our differences so that we can work in harmony across boundaries in our workplaces, communities, and societies.
Here is what one senior leader had to say about his Use-of-Self when working with emerging leaders in his organization who were different from him. I find his statement a beautiful expression of the openness to diversity and the desire to learn from others that can help a leader grow.
Use-of-Self requires empathy and the capacity of both understanding your impact and your ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. I am an older person working with young people entering the workforce. I believe I understand their dreams and challenges because I too did an MBA and have worked and traveled internationally. But this is so far from the truth. I need to slow down my impulse to jump in and listen more carefully for connections and shared experiences. I realize people are going through similar experiences, but I may not always pay attention to their personal experience in the same way. I sometimes assume I know them, when in fact I don’t.
I need to consciously work at being aware of my own biases and pay attention to their unique experiences, backgrounds, and values that influence their work and life. Not all students are the same. To be effective, I need an open mind and to stop filtering my interactions and conversations based on my own values, beliefs, or experiences. I need to validate what’s really happening. What am I really hearing and experiencing? I need to notice. Listen to learn, learn to listen and understand. I need to do this in my work and at home. My Use-of-Self requires me to be humble and receptive to developing a solution, the way forward, or a point of view that is different from my own.
When I listen to myself speaking, I need to remind myself that my point of view may be inappropriate. It may not be relevant today. I may need to be more open and adapt to listen for understanding. If we don’t do this as the boomer generation, we may turn off younger generations. Today’s youth need to find things out for themselves. It’s not all about me. I need to walk in their shoes. I am reminded that Use-of-Self is a continuous process that requires the attention of my whole being.
Here are a few questions to help you and your team identify, appreciate, and leverage your diversity. If you ask these questions in a group setting with your team, you may be surprised to find out much more about each other than you ever expected.
The quest for mastering Use-of-Self is a lifelong journey and is worthwhile working on regardless of your age, gender, stage of life, or career. Your Use-of-Self is the one thing that you can control in the midst of any change occurring in your life. All six of the keys reviewed in this chapter will help you become more self-aware, intentional, and accountable for your thoughts and actions. Mastering them will also help you learn about, manage, coach, and mentor others as you lead meaningful change. Going forward, your Use-of-Self will help you be more present so that you can live your best self and make a positive difference in all that you do.