VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Tornado Terror • FIRST OBSERVED: New York City, New York (2008) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 10 mph (Swirling Wind up to 100 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Gawkers, Sightseers • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: 
• RISK OF ENCOUNTER: 
• FIN’S WTF FACTOR: 
WHILE VISUALLY SIMILAR IN SATELLITE photos to hurricanes, extreme-weather vortices are much more dangerous. Unlike hurricanes, these swirling storm systems are stationary. The chemical reactions inside these atmospheric mixing bowls cause unnatural phenomena like powerful upper-atmospheric lightning close to the ground and ice twisters (see ICE TWISTER). These phenomena are fast-occurring, temporary or semipermanent, and impossible to predict. While vortices may be relatively new to our planet, they’re common on other planets with disengaged high and low atmospheres. Jupiter’s red spot vortex has been swirling over a fixed location for more than four hundred years.
ON THE MORNING of May 18, 2008, the air in the lower atmosphere above Manhattan began swirling. The brewing storm system went unnoticed by meteorologists, whose instruments track weather higher in the atmosphere.
The first sign of trouble happened in Central Park. Six-foot-tall whirlwinds filled with subzero air whipped through the park. Children chased these “mini tornados” around—until the tornados started chasing the kids back. The mini tornados soon merged into a full-scale ice twister, which threw one unlucky man sixty feet up into the air. A second ice twister formed near Liberty Island, killing dozens and ripping off the Statue of Liberty’s raised arm.
“The devastation was just beginning. The ice twisters were the least of our worries,” meteorologist Cassie Lawrence says. “At the site of one funnel touchdown in Midtown, I found evidence of lightning. It made perfect sense. Planets with high and low atmospheres are lightning machines. If the storm continued to build, I calculated the lightning would increase in frequency exponentially, building to a crescendo the likes of which we’d never seen on Earth before.”
As Mother Nature put on a killer light show, Lawrence convinced city officials to load rockets with dry ice and shoot them into the extreme-weather vortex. The chemical reaction disrupted the storm system, putting an end to the ice twisters and lightning that had claimed thousands of lives.
New York State legislators proposed a law limiting the size of storm systems over the city. When critics argued that such an ordinance would be impossible to enforce, lawmakers dismissed their concerns. “With enough money, anything is possible,” one prominent senator said. Weeks after the law passed, a New York state judge overturned it.
EXTREME-WEATHER VORTICES PRESENT multiple threats to your well-being. While ice twisters grab the headlines, the unnaturally powerful lightning is the real hazard. Lightning kills about seventy people a year in the United States—or it did until lightning from the New York City vortex killed many times that number in a single day. With that in mind, here’s how to avoid becoming the next casualty.
• Fortify your home against lightning. Use surge protectors with all electronics. Install lightning rods on your home.
• Fortify your body against lightning. Remove all piercings (including that one your parents don’t know about—you know which one we mean). Leave your watch on the nightstand. And it’s time you retired that chain wallet, isn’t it?
Extreme-Weather Vortices: Fact or Fiction?
Rubber-soled shoes will protect you from a lightning strike.
Fiction. While rubber is an insulator, it’s not powerful enough to insulate you from lightning. Lightning bolts can burn through insulated power lines. Even if your shoes were ceramic, they would be of no help. Besides, ceramic shoes have terrible arch support.
If you’re on a boat and have scuba gear, dive underwater for as long as possible.
Fact. You are safer underwater than being the tallest object on the open water. Since vortices tend to linger, however, this seems of limited use—you will run out of air at some point, long before the vortex runs out of lightning.
You are safer inside a car than outside one.
Fact. While a car’s rubber tires do not provide protection against lightning strikes, cars can conduct lightning through their metal bodies. This disperses the electricity, possibly saving your life. No word on whether it’s also a cheap way to charge an electric car.
TREAT THE EXTREME-WEATHER vortex as a threat until authorities have given you the “all clear.” Over half of all lightning strikes occur after a storm has passed. Vortex-related phenomena are even more unpredictable.
If you’re indoors:
• Get to the lowest floor of your building.
• Stay away from windows and doors.
• Do not use corded phones or cell phones—even for texting.
• Unplug anything connected to an electrical outlet, including appliances like air conditioners and computers.
• Keep your pets close by—outfit them in “thunder shirts” if possible to calm them.
• Avoid all plumbing—do not take a shower, wash your hands, or use the toilet. This could get messy.
If you’re outdoors:
• Avoid anything tall that may attract lightning—trees, flagpoles, NBA players, etc.
• Avoid flimsy structures such as picnic shelters, baseball dugouts, and gazebos.
• Do not go swimming or boating.
• Avoid wide-open spaces like beaches—now is not the time for a romantic walk.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Devil’s Firestorm • FIRST OBSERVED: Tokyo, Japan (1923) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph (Wildfire), 60 mph (Storm Clouds), 160 mph (Swirling Wind) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Hikers, Nature Lovers, Cowboys and Cowgirls • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: 
• FIN’S WTF FACTOR: 
FIRENADOS OCCUR WHEN TURBULENT AIR PASSES through wildfires, creating columns of fire. Funnels hundreds of feet wide and more than a thousand feet tall have been observed. The prolonged heat of wildfires occasionally generates storm clouds, resulting in rare top-down firenados. A single storm may spawn multiple long-lasting firenados, limited in destructive power only by the availability of material to burn.
WHILE FIRE IS a necessary part of the forest ecosystem, wildfires aren’t as welcome by people living near forests or grasslands. To prevent larger catastrophes, authorities sanction controlled burns.
Unfortunately, even the most carefully managed fires occasionally spread, threatening the same communities they’re supposed to protect. Renewal is a great concept until it’s your house that’s “renewed.” That’s what happened in 2009 when the Colorado Forestry Service attempted to burn two hundred acres. Unexpectedly strong El Niño winds carried the fire past the prescribed boundaries. The heat created a storm system above the blaze, spawning firenados.
“Flames scorched half of Colorado Springs,” says park ranger Miranda Conner. “My five-year-old suggested asking a superhero to freeze a lake with super breath and drop it onto the firenados. I told her this wasn’t some comic book. People’s lives were at stake. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it might actually work.”
After Conner contacted a friend at the air force, a fleet of B-1 bombers airlifted glaciers from the Alaskan coast. The planes dropped their frozen cargo into the storm clouds, dousing the firenados. “Superheroes might not be real, but the US military is,” Conner says.
STUDY THESE TIPS to be ready when the hellfire hits:
• Plan multiple escape routes. Find at least two different routes out of your neighborhood. Practice driving them every chance you get. This may confuse your neighbors. Wave to put them at ease.
• Keep your yard tidy. Fires need fuel to burn. Cut down on fuel sources in your yard. Water and mow your lawn. Rake up leaves. Pick up dead branches. You’ve been meaning to do this stuff for a while anyway, right?
NOW THAT YOU’VE done all that yard work, we’ll let you in on a secret: When a firenado occurs, you’re safer outdoors.
• First, get out of your home. Then, stay as low to the ground as possible. If it’s inevitable that the flames will catch up to you, find a ditch, drainage pipe, or other recessed area to lie down in. If your state is cash-strapped, you may even be able to find a pot-hole deep enough to hop into.
• Stop, drop, and roll. If your clothing catches fire, don’t act like you’re too cool to care. Stop whatever you’re doing. Next, drop to the ground. Finally, roll around until the flames are extinguished.
• Treat burns. Wash the burn with water for three to five minutes. Do not break blisters. Cover the burn with a moist sterile bandage or cloth. Seek medical attention. Do not apply ice, ointments, or home remedies such as egg whites and butter. Who does that anyway? Egg whites? Everyone knows you’re just supposed to use the yolk.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Snowclone • FIRST OBSERVED: Harrisford, Oregon (2009) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 70 mph (Swirling Wind up to 300 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Bestselling Novelists, Fanboys • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
ICE TWISTERS ARE FUNNELS FILLED WITH ICE CHUNKS AND subzero temperatures. If you’re caught outside in their deadly path, you can be turned into a human Popsicle in under a minute. Even if you manage to avoid freezing to death, you still have to fend off flying ice and violent winds. Ice twisters can happen under any conditions, even on cloudless days.
WHEN A RESEARCH team from the Federal Science Foundation (FSF) deployed thousands of experimental weather drones into the air over Oregon (a state that has long suffered from its lack of precipitation), they were attempting to make it rain—literally.
Operation R.A.I.N.D.A.N.C.E. was successful beyond their wildest dreams. New clouds formed, bringing rain to the Beaver State. However, their tampering also created deadly ice twisters that destroyed homes and froze victims solid. With the help of bestselling novelist Charlie Price (see the sidebar “An Interview with Charlie Price”), FSF researchers starved the storm system by heating the upper atmosphere. No more cold air, no more ice twisters.
FSF researcher Joanne Grant used federal whistleblower protections to testify before the House Committee on Unnatural Affairs. She accused FSF officials of ignoring internal warnings about possible unnatural phenomena caused by R.A.I.N.D.A.N.C.E. Her superiors allegedly knew about the threats and continued with the experiments anyway. They secretly hoped to use the technology to fight terrorism. “Ice twisters could be a pretty serious weapon if pointed in the right direction,” she told the committee with a shiver. “Is it chilly in here, or is it just me?”
YOU NEVER KNOW when and where an ice twister will hit. Live your life in anticipation of the sudden onset of subzero temperatures.
• Dress for cold weather like you mean it. Wear layers of moisture-wicking clothing (wool, polypropylene, polyester thermal underwear). Clothing with a Gore-Tex shell will protect you from chilling winds. This could be a bit on the warm side, especially if you live in a moderate to tropical climate. Nevertheless, ask yourself: Would you rather be sweating balls, or frozen stiff like a caveman in a glacier? Unlike Encino Man, you can’t be warmed back to life.
• Always protect your head. Wearing a helmet is a no-brainer. Your skull is strong, but a chunk of ice traveling at 200 mph is stronger. When a freak ice twister hits some Saturday afternoon, you’ll be glad you wore that bicycle helmet to the mall.
• Drive a heavy-duty pickup. If you’re not willing to dress for an ice twister at all times (and let’s face it, we don’t blame you), then at least have a vehicle capable of withstanding one. You’ll want a large pickup, the kind you see advertised during NFL games. Get the optional LINE-X weather coating, which is the same element-resistive coating used on US Navy ships, SWAT vehicles, and Guy Fieri’s hair.
How to Pass Time During a Storm
You could be stuck indoors for several hours. If the ice twisters are part of an extreme-weather vortex, you’re looking at several days. So what do you and your family do in the meantime? If your electricity is out, your options are severely limited—no cable TV or Netflix. Here’s what we suggest:
• Play cards—poker, Uno, or Cards Against Humanity.
• Read a book—the one you’re reading now works quite nicely, unless you’ve bought the electronic or audio edition.
• Exercise—push-ups, pull-ups, that sort of thing.
• Sing songs.
• Play board games—Parcheesi, Risk, Monopoly.
• Put together an elaborate puzzle (1,000 pieces or more).
• Eat everything in your freezer or refrigerator—without electricity, it’s going to spoil anyway.
• Two words: MAKEOUT TIME!
GRAB SOME BLANKETS and winter clothing, and then follow the usual tornado safety precautions.
DO: Get inside to the basement or lowest floor. Find an interior room away from windows. If you’re in an office building, gather with your coworkers in a restroom. That’s always a good time. Totally not awkward for anybody.
DON’T: Huddle down in a corner. They’re among the least safe places to wait out tornados. Likewise, avoid hunkering down in the basement directly below a large object on the first floor. Being crushed by a piano is funny on Looney Tunes. In real life, it’s hilarious.
DO: Stay in your car if you can’t get safely to a building. If you have an open road, gun it—you may be able to outrun the ice twister. If the road isn’t clear, pull over. Place your head between your legs and cover the back of your neck with your hands. Don’t forget to buckle your seatbelt just in case you go airborne.
DON’T: Park underneath an overpass. Many people assume an overpass provides protection during tornados. They assume wrong. Overpasses attract more debris and stronger winds than open areas. See what can happen when you make assumptions?
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Space Rocks • FIRST OBSERVED: San Francisco, California (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 160,000 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Hippies, Techies, Trekkies • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: 
• FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
WHILE THE METEOROIDS ENTERING EARTH’S atmosphere during a meteor shower leave behind brilliant streaks of light, most are no bigger than a grain of sand. Meteor storms, on the other hand, feature hefty rocks made of robust elements capable of passing through the atmosphere without burning up. Aided by gravity and a depleted ozone layer, these meteorites can strike the Earth’s surface at speeds of more than 100,000 mph. At that speed, even a marble-sized rock is capable of drilling a hole through your roof—to say nothing of your cranium.
WHAT WAS SUPPOSED to be an intense but beautiful display in 2010 turned deadly as thousands of unbinilium meteorites from the comet Leder-Bay rained down on San Francisco. KGSF-13 news anchor Kyle Kemper described the scene following Meteor Storm Geordi as a war zone.
Over the next eight hours, three additional meteor storms hit San Francisco. “Because of our planet’s rotation and orbit, the additional storms should have been spread out across the globe,” astronomer Dr. Michelle Young says. “Unfortunately, unbinilium deposits in San Francisco Bay acted as an air traffic controller, guiding the meteorites toward the city. Unbinilium builds up electrostatic attraction and eventually discharges it. It’s not magnetism, but that’s the closest analogue. It’s more like my relationship with my ex-husband.”
Once the fourth storm (Meteor Storm Jean-Luc) ended, Dr. Young realized Earth wasn’t free and clear just yet. An asteroid, cloaked by the unbinilium meteoroids, was on a collision course with Earth.
Dr. Young and government officials devised a last-minute plan incorporating cutting-edge and untested technology. They detonated 1.2-megaton B-83 nuclear warheads near the rogue asteroid, diverting its path. “We got extremely lucky,” Dr. Young says. “And I’m not just talking about the Giants winning the World Series that year.”
IF YOU EVER find yourself under siege by a meteor storm, ducking under your kitchen table won’t cut it. You need a fallout shelter that meets the following specifications:
• 20 feet underground
• Concrete walls and ceiling (2 feet thick)
• 10 × 10 feet for up to six occupants (add 2.5 feet in length for each additional person)
• Ventilation with filters to collect debris and dust
• Electrical, Internet, and cable hookups
Grab a case of beer and a few shovels, invite some friends over, and start digging.
TAKE REFUGE IN your fallout shelter. You built one like we suggested, right? No? Don’t despair. There’s still hope.
• Set down the rocket launcher. Don’t attempt to shoot meteorites out of the air. Such an attempt would be beyond foolish. Even if you somehow locked your missile on a single meteorite and scored a direct hit, the most it would do is shatter it, scattering debris over a much larger area—and increasing the likelihood a fragment will strike you.
• You’re no safer indoors. As the heavens rain down around you, having a roof over your head is reassuring. However, it’s an illusion of comfort—nothing more. Support beams and foundations can be weakened by meteorite strikes, causing buildings to collapse without warning.
• Stay still for just one ever-loving moment. Every time there’s a meteor storm, people begin running around in zigzag patterns. Sit down. You cannot outrun meteorites. You’re better off conserving your energy, in case you need to save your daughter’s boyfriend from a pile of rubble. Then again, maybe not. Depends what you think of the boy.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Magnetic Mayhem • FIRST OBSERVED: Fairbanks, Alaska (2009) • EST. MAX. SPEED: N/A • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Human Beings Who Live on Earth • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: 
• RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR: 
OCCASIONALLY, A METEORITE SO LARGE MAKES IT through Earth’s atmosphere that the impact tilts the planet’s axis. This causes the magnetic poles to begin the slow but painful process of switching places—a “polar storm.” North becomes south, and vice versa. “That doesn’t sound so bad,” you say. “I can’t remember the last time I used a compass.” And it might not be so bad … if that was all that happened. Within days of the planet being knocked out of alignment, earthquakes begin happening worldwide. New magnetic fields (“mini poles”) spontaneously form and spread around the globe. These mini poles discharge electromagnetic shockwaves, which fry electronics—and anyone using them—for hundreds of miles in all directions. Lastly, the Earth’s magnetic shield—the one that protects us from solar radiation—becomes weaker the further the polar storm progresses. Without it, humanity is doomed.
IN 2009, A small fragment broke away from the comet Copernicus and hurtled toward Earth. While much of it burned up in the atmosphere, a chunk measuring three hundred meters wide made landfall near Alaska. A quarter of a million people expired in the fallout.
“My science advisors have reported that the immediate crisis is over. The American people are safe and can go on with their lives,” President Obama said in a televised press conference forty-eight hours after the incident.
However, the Storm Hazard Research Center’s James Mayfield believed the threat wasn’t over. He pointed to an apparent shift in the Earth’s axis as the beginning of the end for life on Earth. White House advisors initially dismissed Mayfield’s prediction of a complete pole reversal as an attempt to incite mass hysteria. They labeled him a national security threat. “That hurt, but I’ve been called worse,” Mayfield says.
When images of destruction caused by the mini poles and earthquakes began appearing, the White House changed course. Under Mayfield’s direction, a submarine dropped two fifty-megaton bombs into the Southern Hemisphere’s Mariana Trench. The implausible gambit worked, shocking the planet back into alignment. But you already guessed that. If the plan hadn’t succeeded, you wouldn’t be around to read about it.
How to Orient Yourself Without a Compass
During a polar storm, your compass is about as worthless as a TV without a remote. Your only hope is to navigate using the sun, moon, and stars.
1. Find a straight, thin stick and flat ground.
2. Jam the stick into the ground at 9 a.m. Mark where the tip of the shadow falls.
3. Wait until 3 p.m. Mark where the tip of the shadow falls.
4. Draw a line between the two points. This is the west/east line.
5. The north/south line can be found by making a right angle on the west/east line.
6. Realize that your homemade compass is just giving you the same janky readings your magnetic compass gave you. The position of the sun, moon, and stars is meaningless after the axial shift. We’re idiots and didn’t think this through all the way. Sorry about that.
ASTRONOMERS HAVE ASSURED the public that we’re in the clear as far as near-Earth objects go for the immediate future. Of course, that was also what they said before the Copernicus fragment hit us. Prepare for earthquakes and mini poles now.
• Ensure your home is built to seismic codes. If you rent, check with your landlord. They’ll probably blow you off. How long’s it been since you notified them of that leak in your bathroom ceiling? That still isn’t fixed? Oh dear.
• What’s on the walls is as potentially dangerous as the walls themselves. Move bookshelves away from couches and chairs. Don’t hang anything above your headboard, unless you want to be killed during the night by that framed Benedict Cumberbatch poster. Not a bad way to go, honestly.
• Drop off the grid. To be safe from the next mini-pole electrical storm, ditch your cell phone. Unplug from the Internet. Live a quiet, peaceful life like one of those sensitive literary writer types. You can still have fun without electricity—pick up a pair of binoculars and go bird-watching.
DURING A POLAR storm, multiple unnatural disasters may happen simultaneously.
• In the event of a polar storm–related earthquake, drop to the ground until the initial tremors pass. Not even a world-champion surfer like Fin Shepard can stay upright and balanced during a major earthquake.
• As soon as the ground stops shaking, get indoors. Avoid huddling in doorways. You should be safe from aftershocks under a sturdy table. Yet another reason to get a real dining room table in place of the card table you’ve been using since college.
• Don’t smoke. Busted gas lines are common during earthquakes. Unless you want to blow up, put down the cigarette. You’ve been meaning to quit for a while anyway, right?
• If you can’t get out of Dodge, get out of your Dodge. Cars are particularly unsafe during polar storms. Your car probably won’t turn on—and if it does, you run the risk of electrocution.
• If you have a solution, speak up. Unless the polar storm is stopped, we will eventually be left defenseless against cosmic radiation. There’s no way to survive if things progress that far. If you have any ideas about how to fix the planet’s alignment, don’t hesitate to call or tweet your congressperson. No idea is too wild. In 2009, we dropped nuclear bombs into the ocean. Seriously.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Plymouth Rocklone • FIRST OBSERVED: Boston, Massachusetts (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 70 mph (Swirling Wind up to 300 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Sox Fans, Meteorologists Who Always Get These Things Wrong, Wahlbergs • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR: 
STONADO FUNNELS ARE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO lift a four-ton rock into the air. The more dangerous threat, however, are the softball-sized “rocks” the storm system creates in the upper atmosphere. These rocks are actually ozone droplets frozen in carbon dioxide. After forming, the ozone rocks descend into the funnels that hurl them in all directions at mind-boggling speeds. As soon as they hit the ground, atmospheric pressure causes them to explode.
IN 2013, AN extreme-weather vortex (see EXTREME-WEATHER VORTEX) descended upon Massachusetts. One funnel associated with the storm picked up the historic 8,000-pound Plymouth Rock and deposited it nearly forty miles away onto a Boston basketball court. Soon, rocks were flying all around Beantown.
“At first, we thought the funnels were just picking rocks up off the ground. Tornados pick up things all the time—look at the sharknados,” Boston weatherman Lee Carlton says. “Unfortunately, we quickly learned the storm system was also creating rocks. The vortex kicked ozone into the upper atmosphere, where it froze and descended back to Earth as frozen rocks.”
With the city under siege, Carlton and his storm-chasing brother devised a plan to stop the stonados that included loading an experimental five-ton warhead into their SUV and driving it into one of the stonado funnels (leaping out at the last second, of course). When the stonado swept the SUV into the air, the bomb exploded—igniting the hydrogen in the lower atmosphere, which temporarily raised the local temperature and choked the stonados out.
STONADOS CAN HAPPEN without warning. One minute it could be raining; the next the sun is shining. It’s almost like living in Colorado.
• Always carry a barometer. The barometric pressure changes rapidly just before a stonado forms. With a barometer, you can at least have a heads-up. While a high-end model like the Digiquartz Portable Model 765 barometric-pressure sensor might be out of your price range, more basic models are available on the cheap.
• Buy full-coverage auto insurance. If your car is parked outside during a stonado, it’s going to get a few dings in the roof. In fact, you’d be lucky to still have a roof. Full-coverage insurance will protect your ride from stonados and other unnatural disasters.
IS A FUNNEL beginning to form overhead? Your survival depends upon how fast you can move. Even if you’ve got seats on the Green Monster for game seven of the American League playoffs against the Yankees, get to safety. Don’t wait around to see if the game will be called.
• Stay away from the unstable frozen rocks. If one lands near you, hustle in the other direction. It’s a ticking time bomb. It may be seconds or hours before it goes off—but when it does, you’ll want to be at least twenty yards away. If it explodes behind you, leap in the air and make a dramatic movie-star landing.
• Do we even have to say it? Get inside! While stonado rocks aren’t traveling as fast as meteorites, they’re still going to smash through your North Face jacket. Get to the lowest floor of your building or the nearest stonado shelter.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: The New Dawn • FIRST OBSERVED: Wiltshire, England (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: N/A • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Anyone Who Doesn’t Join the New Dawn Doomsday Cult • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
IF YOU THINK STONEHENGE IS JUST A QUIRKY COLLECTION of upright rocks, think again. Some scientists believe that the iconic obelisks are part of an ancient terraforming (“Earth-shaping”) device that made the planet habitable for the first single-celled organisms. If activated today, however, Stonehenge would revert the Earth back to its earliest state through a series of supervolcanoes, earthquakes, and colossal floods.
IN 2010, MEMBERS of the New Dawn doomsday cult foolishly turned Stonehenge on, beginning the terraforming process. “Civilization is a failed experiment,” says one cult member, who asked his name be withheld. “If Stonehenge had been allowed to continue its mission, the air would be clean. The water would be fresh. It would have been a New Dawn.”
Simultaneous volcanic eruptions and flooding in Mexico, Egypt, and Indonesia killed millions. With the clock ticking, The Real Story talk radio host Jacob Glaser managed to best the doomsday cult and shut Stonehenge down using the Antikythera mechanism. “It’s the key that can turn Stonehenge on and off,” explains the cult member. “I wish we had made a copy.”
While we know the purpose of the megaliths, who built them is still a mystery. Noted astrobiologist Nigel St. Hubbins believes he knows the answer. “A strange alien race known as druids created Stonehenge,” he says. “They’re long gone, but their legacy remains—at least at renaissance fairs.”
UNLESS YOU’RE WILLING to invest billions of dollars in an infrastructure that generates breathable air, only one place can withstand the Stonehenge Apocalypse: the New Dawn’s hidden pyramid shelter in Maine known as the Primordial Hill. While we’re not saying you should join their cult, at least check out the pyramid’s amenities:
• Wireless High-speed Internet Access
• Hair Dryers
• Cable TV, including HBO and Showtime
• Room Safes
• 24-hour Fitness Center
• Laundry
• Valet Parking
• Business Center
• In-room Dining
• Concierge Service
• Complimentary Bottled Water and USA Today
ONCE THE TERRAFORMING process begins, you have two options.
1. Seek shelter at the Primordial Hill. You did join the New Dawn, right? Good. Then kick back and prepare for the end of the world. If you didn’t join the cult, skip to step two.
2. Use the Antikythera mechanism to shut Stonehenge down. We’re not sure it works (or even what it looks like), but you can probably find the instructions online.
Apocalyptic Drinks
While you’re chilling in the pyramid shelter, you might want to pour out a drink in honor of all your friends and family who didn’t heed your warning about the impending doom. Here are a few apocalyptic shots to drink in their honor.*
• Four Horsemen. 1 part Jim Beam bourbon whiskey, 1 part Jack Daniel’s Tennessee whiskey, 1 part Johnnie Walker Black Scotch whiskey, and 1 part Jameson Irish whiskey. Mix all four together in a shot glass.
• Nuclear Rainbow. ½ oz. grenadine syrup, ½ oz. peppermint liqueur, ½ oz. Jägermeister, ½ oz. melon liqueur, ½ oz. Canadian whiskey, ½ oz. 151 rum, ½ oz. almond liqueur. Pour each over a spoon into a shot glass carefully, which will provide the layered “rainbow” effect.
• Apocalypse Now. 1⁄3 oz. dry vermouth, 1⁄3 oz. Irish cream liqueur, 1⁄3 oz. tequila. Pour vermouth and tequila into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well. Strain into shot glass. Top with Irish cream.
*Even during the end of the world, you must be twenty-one and older to drink in the United States. Drinking ages vary elsewhere. Always designate a driver and drink responsibly.
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Submarine Supervolcano • FIRST OBSERVED: Gulf of Mexico (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 500 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: DJs, Former Supermodels • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Open Saltwater, Coastal Regions • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: 
• FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
THE FIRST SIGN OF AN ACTIVE SWAMP VOLCANO IS usually an earthquake, indicating an underwater volcanic eruption. The quake is followed closely by a wave of super-heated, skin-melting gas—a “steam tsunami.” The destruction doesn’t stop there. Lava flows swiftly through underground tunnels, making landfall in swampland hundreds of miles from the eruption. Glowing orange lava can reach temperatures of 1,600°F or higher. Even a brief touch is enough to leave a nasty burn. Fall in, and you’ll go up in smoke in seconds.
ON MAY 23, 2011, an American oil company drilling deep in the Gulf of Mexico inadvertently triggered Swamp Volcano Levin, the first swamp volcano to erupt on American soil.
“Holter Energy was pumping millions of gallons of heated water deep into the ocean floor—a drilling process known as ‘fracking’,” University of Miami volcanologist Antoinette Vitrini explained to Congress in the subsequent hearings. “This heated the magma in the submarine supervolcano, triggering the eruption. While it may have eventually happened without human interference, Holter undoubtedly added fuel to the fire. No pun intended.”
The steam tsunami slammed into the coast of southern Florida, killing hundreds. The worst was yet to come. The volcano was connected via prehistoric conduits to Miami—on the opposite side of the state. Mayhem ensued. The Everglades boiled, and lava flooded the streets of Miami. At Vitrini’s suggestion, the military used liquid nitrogen to form a “cold cap” underground. This diverted the lava into Biscayne Bay, effectively ending the threat.
THE FARTHER INLAND you live, the greater your probability of survival. But if you go too far inland—to, say, Wyoming—all you’ve done is moved from one supervolcanic threat to another (see the sidebar “Volcanoes vs. Supervolcanoes”). Our advice? Stay put. Learn the signs of an eruption, so you can act when the time comes.
• Is it snowing ash? That’s not a good sign. While it might not be a swamp volcano, something has erupted.
• Did a steam tsunami melt your face off? Probably a swamp volcano.
• Is lava flooding out of storm drains? Yep. Swamp volcano.
What’s the difference between a volcano and a “supervolcano”? If you said one was from Krypton, you’re wrong. Without getting overly technical, supervolcanoes are just big-ass volcanoes. Lake Toba, the last supervolcano to occur aboveground, erupted about 74,000 years ago in Indonesia, ushering in a 1,000-year-long period of cooled temperature. Here are five others to watch for.
• Aira Caldera—Kyūshū, Japan
• Long Valley Caldera—Mono County, California, USA
• Taupo Caldera—Lake Taupo, North Island, New Zealand
• Valles Caldera—Sandoval County, New Mexico, USA
• Yellowstone Caldera—Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, USA
BECAUSE SWAMP VOLCANOES occur with little warning, they are one of Mother Nature’s most insidious unnatural disasters.
• If a wall of super-heated gas is shooting toward you, duck underwater until it passes. The steam travels over the surface of the water, not under it. Depending on how long you can hold your breath, you might be able to survive. You might also drown—six of one, half a dozen of the other.
• Don’t drive through lava. Even if it appears shallow, no amount of lava is safe to drive through. If you’re trapped in a vehicle surrounded by lava, crawl out the windows and onto the roof. Phone emergency services. There’s a (slim) chance the lava could ignite your gas tank while you’re hanging out on the roof. Talk about going out with a bang.
