You don’t have to be a social scientist to know that the people around you influence you for both good and ill. You hardly have to scratch the surface of the field of social psychology to uncover a host of studies in which people fall prey to the power of social influence. For instance, in the early 1950s Solomon Asch was able to manipulate research subjects into giving a wrong answer by having a half dozen “peers” first give the same wrong answer. When they fell under the gaze of other people, two out of three research subjects gave embarrassingly incorrect answers rather than deviate from the norm.1
Moreover, if the people wielding social pressure are not merely peers, but individuals in a position of authority, there’s almost no limit to what they can get innocent research subjects to do. It’s hard to forget Stanley Milgram’s haunting study wherein researchers in lab jackets were able to influence everyday citizens to administer what they thought might be lethal shocks to individuals whose only mistake had been to give a wrong answer. When the maximum social influence was applied, 90 percent of anxious subjects shocked their cohorts into silence.2
In a less-well-known but equally riveting study, to measure the power of hypnotism, scholars at the University of Sydney put subjects into a deep hypnotic state and then asked them to grab a highly venomous snake. Next they asked them to thrust their hand in a vat of acid, and eventually (you won’t believe this), they requested that subjects throw acid into the face of one of the research assistants. Every element of the test was contrived, of course (the “venomous” snake was behind a hidden panel of glass; the “acid” was surreptitiously swapped out for colored water), but it all looked very real—and every single one of the subjects complied. It was an impressive demonstration of the power of hypnosis. Or so they thought.
To provide proper scientific rigor, the researchers needed a control group. They’d have to put a similar group through the same tests without first hypnotizing them. That way they’d be certain the hypnosis was the cause of the hypnotized subjects’ absolute compliance. As they performed their control trials, the scholars watched in stunned silence as the control group behaved in exactly the same way as the hypnotized subjects. Every single one of the unhypnotized subjects grabbed the snake, thrust his or her hand in “acid,” and threw “acid” into the assistant’s face as ordered.3
To see if we could still demonstrate the powerful effects of social pressure (after all, most of the original research was conducted a half century ago), our team at Change Anything Labs conducted its own study. It was an attempt to get social influence working for something a bit more noble than torturing strangers or risking life and limb. We hoped to harness it in the service of getting kids to wash their hands.
We asked kids to put together a puzzle. At the end of each round, and as a reward for putting the puzzle together correctly, the subjects were given tantalizing cupcakes, but they first needed to wash their hands with the antiseptic gel nearby because—as we told them—“a boy from a previous group had touched the puzzle and, well, he had the sniffles.”
Left to their own desires, every single one of the kids rushed to the cupcakes, not pausing to wash. What would it take to get them to gel up? Highlighting the germs wasn’t enough. So we tried moving the gel closer to the action. No takers. Having the kids practice washing prior to assembling the puzzle also yielded no change. But in the round where one of the kids paused as her peers rushed to the cupcakes and reminded them, “Don’t forget to wash your hands!” eleven out of twelve subjects complied. (To see this experiment in action, go to ChangeAnything.com/exclusive.) After decades of studies, people are still people. We’re still social animals.
That means if you’re spending too much, you’re probably not alone. If you’re hooked on video games, well, that too is often a social event. If your body’s in slow decline as you transform into a dreaded couch potato, even if you watch TV alone there are literally thousands of people out there doing their level best to keep you nestled in a couch and watching their advertisements.
We’re interested in helping you break free of blindness about the role others currently play in the habit you’re trying to change. More importantly, we’re going to help you find ways to engage their practically irresistible influence in the service of your goals. The goal is not for you to simply stand against the overwhelming sway of peer pressure—but to make it work for you.
When it comes to your bad habits, you have two kinds of people around you: friends and accomplices. Friends help keep you on the road to health, happiness, and success. Accomplices do the opposite. Accomplices aid and abet the “crime” of your current bad habit.
You may inaccurately call some of your accomplices “friends” because you enjoy being with them. However, if they either enable or encourage you to behave in unwise ways—lower your aspirations, take a drink, buy a gadget, skip a workout session—they’re acting as accomplices.
This may sound harsh—but let’s be clear: The people around you don’t have to have an agenda to be accomplices. What makes them accomplices is not having bad intentions, but exerting bad influence.
So, if you hope to change tough habits in your life, one of the most important steps you’ll need to take is to distinguish between those around you who are acting as friends and those who are acting as accomplices.
The Obvious. As you look around for people who are enticing and enabling your unhealthy behavior, you’ll find that some are easy to spot. Your most obvious accomplices are those who stand to make money if you fail or lose an excuse for their own bad habits if you succeed. The attractive server in the restaurant who gushes about the delicious desserts wants your money, not your health. The pals who equate your newfound ambition at work as selling out to the Man want your collusion, not your success.
The Not So Obvious. Then there are others out there whom you may not care about or even notice. Nevertheless, their very existence has a strong influence on your choices. Believe it or not, many of your accomplices do nothing more than cast a shadow that affects your choices. Here’s how it works.
Michael E., one of our intrepid Changers, suffered from an eating problem that quietly escalated without his realizing it—due to the quiet, unnoticed accomplices surrounding him. In his own words, he “missed the moment he crossed the line from being big to being obese.” Michael didn’t recognize how obese he was becoming until one day when he saw a picture of a seriously overweight fellow on a bulletin board at work. The longer he stared at the photo, the more eerie he felt. It took a minute before Michael realized that he was the guy in the picture.
How could Michael have missed what had happened to him? He had a mirror. He had scales. But he also lived in a world made up of friends, co-workers, and strangers who had gradually gained weight right along with him. These unwitting accomplices helped him change his view of what was average, acceptable, and reasonable—and he didn’t even know it.
Nicholas Christakis, a Harvard sociologist, has carefully studied this subtle phenomenon. After combing through thirty years of data gathered from twelve thousand residents of Framingham, Massachusetts, Christakis discovered that obesity is at least partly infectious. People appear to catch it from each other. He found that having obese friends increases your chance of following suit by a whopping 57 percent.4
How does this frightening phenomenon work? The best explanation is that the people we see around us determine our view of what’s normal. Then (as was the case with Michael) when we gain weight, we know we’re gaining weight, but we don’t see ourselves as obese. Why? Because we’re like everyone else around us, and that makes us normal, and normal people are normal, not obese.
Unfortunately, the people around us affect us in more profound ways than simply giving us camouflage. If, for example, your colleagues at work are resentful of management, deride those with ambition, and elevate politics over professionalism, this “norm” communicates what’s acceptable. Since everyone is doing it, who would have the gall to ridicule you for doing the same? Surely your friends, co-workers, and loved ones will still accept you because they’re modeling the same “normal” thing you’re doing.
Sadly, one of the most active things our colleagues do to change our sense of what is acceptable is to remain silent. These hard-to-see co-conspirators would like to help us remain on the right path, but they don’t quite know how to lend a hand.
For example, while doing research for what eventually became known as the Silence Kills study,5 we at the Change Anything Labs learned of a rather gruff and commanding anesthesiologist who had undiagnosed Alzheimer’s. Nurses and physicians failed to speak up to him, thinking that when he failed to follow protocol maybe he was just distracted—plus they didn’t want to offend him or appear accusatory.
Finally, the fellow lost track of what he was doing during a child’s surgery. A nurse ran to get another anesthesiologist to fill in—and the truth came out. Someone almost had to die before people were willing to speak up.
When it comes to silently watching others act in unhealthy ways, we’ve all done it. We’ve all clammed up and nervously (sometimes painfully) watched our friends sink into deeper trouble. Each time we decide to say nothing, we become a silent accomplice.
Unfortunately, when it comes to our own unhealthy behavior, we may be surrounded by silent, tortured accomplices who, if they only felt comfortable, would give us a tremendous boost in the right direction.
One final way accomplices affect our behavior comes in the form of lowered aspirations. For example, when Philippa Clarke, an epidemiologist at the University of Michigan, studied forty-year-old subjects who had been overweight since adolescence, she found a link between peer pressure and several different negative outcomes.
Compared to forty-year-olds who had gradually gained weight after graduating from high school, those who had been chronically overweight since age nineteen were more likely to be less educated, unemployed or on welfare, and without a partner. How does this work? According to Clarke, the chronically overweight population probably experienced discrimination as children that lowered their self-esteem, which, in turn lowered their aspirations.6 Like it or not, peers not only help define what is normal, but also help define what is possible.
The next group of accomplices is quite visible and active in our lives. They don’t want us to suffer, per se, but they do enjoy sharing our weaknesses, and they’re more than willing to speak up. This group doesn’t just passively communicate what’s normal; they decide what’s normal at regular get-togethers. In so doing, they act as hosts to our unhelpful choices.
For instance, consider Renee C., a Changer who had trouble controlling her spending. Before she was able to turn herself around, Renee maxed out eight credit cards and was spending $280 per month on interest alone—throwing her further into debt and closer to bankruptcy each month. How did Renee get to this point?
It turns out that Renee had a handful of wealthy female friends whose income was three or four times hers—but whom Renee did her best to match dollar for dollar by purchasing gourmet dinners, high-fashion shoes, and spa vacations. That is, she kept pace—until one day she found herself up to her neck in debt. Naturally, no one forced Renee to put on a pair of eight-hundred-dollar Jimmy Choo sandals, or eat a pricey truffle side dish, but the events that brought her and her friends together always involved commerce. Pricey commerce—coupled with a good time with “friends.”
Of course, with friends like these… If you’re ever to take control of your choices, you’ll have to take control of the social events that shape those choices. If the meetings, lunches, social circles, and other rituals you attend encourage or enable the habits you’re trying to stop, you’ll need to recognize these influences for what they are. These associations amplify the effects of accomplices, not friends.
Scan for events and hosts that make your changes more difficult. Then either take charge of the event or take leave of it.
It gets worse. If you’re finding it particularly tough to change, it’s very possible that you have people around you who actively hold you accountable to a bad habit.
For instance, seventeen-year-old Rachel L. learned that her dearest “friend” cared far more about their shared vice than about their friendship. Rachel came to this realization one day when she hit rock bottom (she was taking Vicodin and several other prescription medications every day just to function) and ran to her best girlfriend, Bryn, to seek solace. Rachel poured out her heart to her lifelong buddy by sharing her desire to feel clean, take charge of her urges, and eventually go to college. Bryn remained quiet. When Rachel finally finished sharing her dream, Bryn looked at her coldly and remarked, “So now you’re better than me?”
That’s the response of a pretty aggressive accomplice. Maybe even a bully. In essence, Bryn was holding Rachel accountable to her bad habit.
As Rachel built a careful plan to break her prescription drug addiction, ironically she got nothing but grief from Bryn. Her former best friend ridiculed her, threatened her, tempted her, pled with her, and did everything else she could imagine to keep Rachel hooked on the drugs they had shared for years. Only by distancing herself from her former best friend was Rachel able to break free of her negative influence.
What does all of this talk of accomplices mean? If you want to turn social influence in your favor, you’ll have to identify accomplices of all kinds: the subtle, the blatant, the hosts who are holding you to the old standard. Take a quick inventory. Who will speak up if you fail to follow the old, unhealthy norms? Who will blow a whistle when you begin playing by new, healthy rules? Whom do you worry about disappointing, receiving criticism from, or even incurring wrath from? These are your accomplices.
Now let’s turn our attention to our biggest change allies. These are the individuals who—actively and sometimes almost imperceptibly—help keep us on the path to success by modeling good choices, speaking up, holding us accountable, offering advice, and cheering us on.
In all likelihood you have friends who already play these roles. Some play the role of informal coach by reminding us of the rules, watching our performance, and teaching us how to succeed. Other friends stand on the sidelines, watch us in action, and cheer our every success. These priceless, encouraging friends play the role of fan.
Here’s how these two types of friends can work for you.
Virtually all of the Changers we studied benefited from the help of informal coaches. For instance, Sandy M. found her marriage taking a downward spiral. Disagreements with her partner were becoming more frequent, vitriolic, and harmful. At first Sandy blamed her partner for all of their problems, but as she began to examine her own behavior, she realized that she was acting in unhelpful ways as well. Standing nearby and feeding her unhelpful behaviors were several vocal accomplices.
Sandy had fallen into the habit of comparing “dumb husband” stories with anyone who would affirm her view that he was the cause of the trouble in their marriage. She and a work colleague exchanged “dumb husband” jokes. With her sister-in-law she shared “loser husband” stories. Of course, her gossiping with accomplices solved no problems, while causing her to feel increasingly upset, justified, and smug.
So Sandy finally traded her accomplices in for a skilled coach. She distanced herself from those who were cynical about their marriages and connected with a counselor who helped her see not just the negative but also some of the positive elements of her relationship. Eventually both Sandy and her husband teamed up with the counselor, who coached them toward better ways of relating to each other. Both stopped talking about each other behind his or her back. Both benefited from replacing accomplices with a positive coach.
Virtually all of our Changers used coaches in similar ways. Addicts joined groups filled with specialists who teach new life skills. Spenders took courses from experts in both finances and behavioral change. Executives often gained the help of personal coaches who taught them interpersonal skills. Of course, millions of people use coaches to learn how to exercise and eat in more healthy ways.
So as you lay out your own change plan, find coaches.
Friends can help in another way. In addition to positively enabling you as a coach, friends can turn into fans by providing the motivation you need to make it through the dog days of personal change. Like any loyal fan, they can stand on the sidelines and cheer your success or gently chide your failures.
For example, Michael E., the fellow we met earlier who was trying to overcome obesity, loves the feeling of the real-time accountability he experiences from the website he uses to track his daily exercise. The site allows him to connect with others who will check up on his progress. Every morning at the crack of dawn he knows there are two other guys in other areas of the world who are limbering up to start their own exercise routines. When Michael logs in to the website and reports for duty, they let him know they’re watching him.
Michael explains, “Just the feeling that I know they’ll be waiting for me gives me a little extra push to be there every day.” His buddies are taking attendance, and he feels accountable to be there for roll call. In that sense they are peer coaches. But beyond accountability, he enjoys the camaraderie and sense of accomplishment he gets when they applaud his success. They are likewise his daily fans.
More and more people are learning how to turn colleagues into fans. For example, note how the Care Product Institute (CPI) uses fans to help diabetics better manage their blood-sugar levels.
It’s hard to criticize diabetics who fail to stay with their health regime when you realize that one of their vital behaviors involves jabbing their fingertip with a sharp pin six times a day every single day. Research shows that fewer than a third of diabetics perform this test as often as they should—even with full knowledge that their dereliction is likely to lead to amputations, blindness, or death.7
Now, if threats of this magnitude don’t change most diabetics’ behavior, what will?
CPI discovered that you can substantially increase people’s compliance by simply ratting them out to their friends.8 To take advantage of this powerful source of influence, designers at CPI created a device that e-mails information about the patient’s blood sugar—not to the doctor, but to friends and family. Then, as you might suspect, the friends and family members immediately contact the reluctant finger prickers and encourage them to get back on the regime. After just a little positive (or negative) reaction from friends and family, many diabetics begin testing as they should.
Fans. We need more of these lovely people around us.
Now that you’ve identified the people around you who typically aid and abet the habits you want to change, it’s time to get the math working in your favor. In the end, you’ll want your world to be made up of more friends and fewer accomplices. In an ideal world, you’ll want all friends and no accomplices.
The good news is that you won’t have to find all new friends, loved ones, and co-workers. Most of your acquaintances will simply have to change how they treat you. And most will be glad to do so.
To help blunt the power of accomplices and unhealthy role models, take note of how they’re affecting your vision of what’s normal. Don’t be fooled by people who bandy around the words “everybody” and “normal” as a means of justifying their own unhealthy behavior. Instead, call it unhealthy, unwise, or even dangerous—but never call it normal.
For instance, consider the following interaction, which was recently broadcast on National Public Radio. An expert was discussing the pros and cons of multitasking when an excited listener called in to explain that his life was so horribly busy that he needed to multitask just to keep up. In his case, driving to and from work provided him with a wonderful opportunity to send text messages to friends and associates—who routinely sent text messages back (also while driving). In short, “everyone” was texting while driving, and this was a big help in his life.
After an awkward pause, the expert responded, “You can call what you’re doing multitasking if you like; I call it being enormously unsafe. When you text and drive, you’re far more likely to get in an accident.”9 By intervening in this way, the expert prodded the audience’s perception of what’s normal for drivers.
You have to do the same—for yourself. If you continue to measure yourself against norms set by disinterested accomplices, you may be on a path to ruin. Consider the words of an executive friend of ours who took undeserved solace in studying his competitors.
“At first,” the executive explained, “we were worried by the downturn in the economy. But when we learned we were doing about as well as our chief competitor, we stopped fretting. Then one day our competitor went bankrupt, and it wasn’t long until we followed suit. I can’t believe how stupid we were. It was as if we were measuring ourselves against a corpse—and feeling pretty healthy by comparison.”
Perhaps the best response to a shifting sense of normalcy is to quit making external comparisons in the first place. Rise above the shared sense of what is common or acceptable. To do so, ask yourself two questions. How do you want to live and feel? And who do you want to be?
As numerous as your accomplices may be, there is good news in the fact that you can transform many into coaches and fans by using one simple method. Hold a transformation conversation. Don’t wait for people to read your mind. Tell them exactly what you want and need.
For example, give your mute accomplices who are dying to help you out permission to speak up. Let your well-intended friends know what they need to do to help rather than hurt you. And put those who try to coach you back into old habits on notice. As far as your future relationship is concerned, you’re going to do what’s right for you, period.
Start the transformation conversation by asking others for their help. Don’t blame others, but do explain the role they’re unintentionally playing in your unhealthy behavior. By focusing on their effect rather than blaming them for bad intent, you decrease the chance they’ll feel defensive. Then ask for a new and healthier relationship—you want them to be friends. Finally, explain exactly what you want them to do. For example: “If you hear me ordering high-calorie food at the restaurant, feel free to encourage me to choose a more healthy selection.”
Now for the best news. Every time you transform an accomplice into a friend, you win twice. You remove the influence of someone who is pulling against you while adding someone who is pulling for you. Transforming an accomplice into a friend gives you double the influence. Because of this dual effect, this simple transaction can be your most powerful tool for social influence.
The easiest way to exploit the power of social influence is to add new friends. Find those people who either share your goal or are interested in offering you support. Engage them as coaches or fans. Or just hang out with them to help you see a new “normal.” Most will be glad to help. Few things kick-start a relationship faster than a sincere request for assistance from a person with a worthwhile purpose.
Changer Ron M. decided it was time for a change when his sales manager put him on probation. His sales had been anemic for months, and he knew his habits would have to change if he was to keep his job. He started by altering his lunch habits. Ron realized that he typically socialized with the more cynical, lower-performing members of his sales team and concluded that if he was to improve his results, he needed the influence of those with a different perspective. At first it felt awkward, as he felt abnormal around some of his more successful colleagues. But he began to relish that feeling of discomfort as his attitudes and goals began to align with this new “normal.” Within a quarter he was off probation and progressing rapidly.
If you’d like to add several new friends at once, join associations and social networks made up of people who are working on the same problem you’re trying to conquer. For instance, Michael E. started his incredibly successful weight-loss plan by publicly announcing his intentions on Facebook.
“I immediately got a message back from a guy at my church,” Michael explains. “We were friends, but I didn’t know he was involved in the same program. We became close friends and bounced things off one another and encouraged each other all the time.”
Not everyone you associate with will be willing to transform from accomplice to friend. In some instances you’ll have to distance yourself from individuals who repeatedly encourage or enable your bad habits. More often than not, this distancing evolves naturally and painlessly. For example, people who increase their exercise find more common interests with others who exercise. Soon they’re spending more time together. Those who want to eat more healthily start lunching with a different mix of people, who have similar dietary interests.
But you can’t forget the desperate accomplices who will fight to keep you entrenched in your old ways. When Michael V. returned home from prison and decided to abandon his life of crime, alcohol, and drugs, he had to cut off contact with many of his old pals. He started by adding new friends. He joined AA, where he found several people who served as both coaches and fans. He also met with old acquaintances and held a transformation conversation. Most were willing to become fans and coaches.
But when it came to Michael’s best friend, Kirby—the guy who had been best man at his wedding—he found that Kirby didn’t want to be a friend. He wanted to be a drinking buddy. Eventually Michael decided that he was tired of fighting Kirby’s constant invitations and ridicule, so “in one of the toughest conversations I ever had,” he ended the relationship. As you might imagine, distancing yourself from accomplices who were once good buddies (or maybe even loved ones) involves complicated value trade-offs and can be quite painful. We offer no advice other than that you not underestimate the role fans, coaches, and accomplices play in your life.
If you stop right now and list the friends and accomplices who currently make up your world, and if you then start shifting the math in your favor by transforming and eliminating accomplices—while simultaneously making new friends—you’ll dramatically increase your chances for success.
How dramatically? Our research findings have been encouraging. In a recent study conducted at the Change Anything Labs, we asked thirty-four hundred people to talk about their success and failure at changing everything from addictions to fitness, and the findings were remarkable.
The data revealed that accomplices frequently drag people back into their habits—no surprise there. But the friends had nothing short of an astounding impact. People with a half dozen active friends (who are playing the role of coach or fan) are almost 40 percent more likely to succeed than those with fewer than a half dozen friends!10
So, it’s time for you to transform your world from a mishmash of accomplices (models and hosts) and friends (coaches and fans) who are organized around your old habits into a team of highly functioning friends. When you see clearly the difference between a friend and an accomplice, and take action to transform accomplices into friends, you’re no longer blind and outnumbered. Get the crowd behind you, and you can change anything.
Know Who’s a Friend and Who’s an Accomplice. Be aware of the people who influence your life, and determine whether they are friends (helping you meet your goals) or accomplices (who distract you from or blatantly undermine your change efforts). Accomplices can hold us back often by just establishing a view of “normal” that keeps us in our bad habits. Friends are those who coach us through enacting our change or who cheer our victories. Ultimately, you want more friends and fewer accomplices.
Redefine “Normal.” Take a look at how accomplices may be affecting your view of what’s normal. If you continue to measure yourself against unhealthy or unrealistic “norms,” your change plan is at risk. Ask yourself two questions: How do you want to live and feel? And who do you want to be?
Hold a Transformation Conversation. You can help transform acquaintances, loved ones, and co-workers into helpful friends by holding a transformation conversation. Start by asking others for their help. Explain the role they’re playing in making change harder or less pleasant for you, and then share how you’d like them to help you succeed.
Add New Friends. Find people who are interested in supporting your change effort or new behaviors. Spend time with them to get coaching or to help you pick up a new “normal.” This can include joining an existing group or social network, or just changing some of your associations.
Distance Yourself from the Unwilling. Just as you need to surround yourself with friends, you need to separate yourself from accomplices who can’t or won’t support your efforts. Often this occurs naturally as you make other life changes. But occasionally you will have to deliberately separate yourself from those who do their best to keep you from changing.