Okay, then. Read the stuff below.
Subject: Two unidentified thieves in Melbourne, Australia
Background: In October 2008, the thieves looked in through the window of an empty model home and saw a large plasma-screen television.
Show Me the Stupid: The thieves smashed through the home’s front door—and discovered that the television was made of cardboard. Like the home, it was a model, only for display. Police said the intruders took out their frustration…by messing up a bed (which was real).
Subject: Jorge Espinal, 44, of Ft. Worth, Texas
Background: Espinal got an itch on his back late one night in May 2008.
Show Me the Stupid: He grabbed the first thing handy to scratch it with—a revolver—and shot himself in the back. Espinal was treated at a hospital and released.
Subject: Michael Sampson, 41, of Salina, Kansas
Background: Sampson was on trial in a Salina courtroom in November 2009.
Show Me the Stupid: During the trial, the judge saw Sampson sitting at the defense table holding his thumb and fingers in the shape of a gun—and “firing” the imaginary gun at witnesses for the prosecution. He also made throat-slashing gestures. Sampson was charged with four counts of making a criminal threat and one count of aggravated intimidation of a witness.
Bonus Stupid: Sampson was in court on charges of driving on a suspended driver’s license and littering. He was found guilty of the suspended-license charge, but his sentence worked out to only 10 days in jail, and he was acquitted of littering. His courtroom threats, however, mean that he now faces several years in prison.
Subject: Joseph Whittenton, of Jacksonville, Florida
The AlterG antigravity treadmill lets you run while being lifted by air pressure. Price: $25,000.
Background: In May 2008, someone broke into a Hungry Howie’s pizza shop and stole an undisclosed amount of cash. Police watched surveillance video, and arrested Jacksonville resident Joseph Whittenton a short time later.
Show Me the Stupid: How were police able to identify and arrest Whittenton so quickly? Because he worked at Hungry Howie’s Pizza…and was still wearing his uniform when he carried out the robbery. He was jailed on burglary charges.
Subject: A man in Northern Territory, Australia
Background: Constable Wayne Burnett of the Northern Territory Police pulled over a vehicle on a highway south of the town of Alice Springs in 2008.
Show Me the Stupid: The driver had a case of beer sitting in one of the car’s seats—with a seat belt around it—and a small child sitting on the floor, unrestrained. “This is the first time I’ve seen beer take priority over a child,” said the constable. The driver was fined $750 ($710 U.S.).
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There are fewer than 2,000 endangered giant pandas left in the wild. In 2009 Chris Packham, an English naturalist and author, came up with a controversial plan to deal with them: “It’s time to give up on the cute and cuddly panda and let them go, because we just can’t afford it.” Packham argued that precious conservation dollars could be used more effectively to save other, more resilient endangered species. He pointed out that pandas, which used to be carnivores, have adapted poorly to a bamboo diet ever since they were pushed from their lowland forest homes due to development. Plus, pandas are slow to reproduce and…aren’t really the most intelligent of the large mammals.
Not surprisingly, the backlash from Packham’s fellow conservationists was harsh (people called him all sorts of names that we can’t reprint here). “Boy, I really upturned the apple cart,” he said. “I’m sorry I upset people. I don’t hate pandas, I love cuddly animals. I love all animals!”
Tickets to President Obama’s “free” inauguration sold online for as much as $20,000 apiece.