And other actual headlines ripped from news stories of the recent, strange past.
Main Street merchants want crack at market
9-Year-Old Stops Carjacking
Man shot in head ‘not popular’
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women
A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt
Hotel cancels jihad conference, citing safety reasons
MPs seek answers on Nutt sacking
Scientists Find Sand on Sea Floor
Hippies Face Horror at Weekend B.O.
Courtney Love Banned From Using Hole
Federal judge likes sentencing freedom
How Scientists Are Helping Cook Inlet’s Little White Whales
Jimmy Carter’s hometown excited over burial plans
Cop Tasers One-Armed Legless Man—Twice!
Church Kids Raid Pantys For Food Bank Supplies
MISSING BABY FOUND IN SANDWICH
Naked Jacqueline Onassis Photo Found With Warhol’s Junk
State population to double by 2040; babies to blame
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
MISSIPPI’S LITERACY PROGRAM SHOWS IMPROVEMENT
Missing wall allows escape from new jail
Stool pigeons: A company called Avian Fashions makes diapers for pet birds.