Bob Dylan sang, “There’s a brand-new gimmick every day, just to try and take somebody’s money away.” (And that was before informercials.)
COMPLAINT: “I can’t stop eating these tasty, fatty treats!”
SOLUTION: Aroma-Trim
EXPLANATION: To curb your appetite, just hold the plastic Aroma-Trim whiffer under your nose. It smells just like human vomit, instantly turning that sweet treat into an object of disgust. As one satisfied infomercial participant exclaimed: “Now I don’t even want to finish that donut!” Price: $49.95 (instruction booklet and VHS tape included).
COMPLAINT: “My eyelashes are thinning out!”
SOLUTION: Latisse
EXPLANATION: Designed to combat the effects of eyelash hypotrichosis, a condition characterized by thin or inadequate eyelashes, Latisse is a prescription-only chemical solution. Just use the applicator to dab some Latisse onto your thinning lashes, and you’ll be rewarded with a miraculous burst of new eyelash growth. But be careful: If your aim is off, small hairs may start growing from the inside of your eye, or from your forehead, your cheek, your chin, your elbow, or any other part of your skin touched by…Latisse. Price: $150 for 1 bottle and 60 applicators.
COMPLAINT: “My bust is so large that my car’s seat belt cuts into me!”
SOLUTION: Tiddy Bear
EXPLANATION: The Tiddy Bear is a small stuffed animal that looks like a spread-eagle Beanie Baby. You attach it to your car’s shoulder belt via a strap on its back, then slide the Tiddy Bear until its face rests between your breasts. According to the manufacturer, it relieves pressure on the bust and shoulder. Price: $14.95.
COMPLAINT: “I need a tan for my hot date tonight, but I don’t have time to go to a tanning salon!”
It’s easier for a person with a severe mental illness to get arrested than to get treatment.
SOLUTION: Comodynes Self Tanning Wipes for Face and Body
EXPLANATION: Reportedly used by “Christina Applegate, Lindsay Lohan, and the entire cast of Friends,” these towelettes soaked with a mild skin dye will tan you up in just two to three hours. Do they work? Kind of, according to one online review: “I had to use two for my legs, one for my arms, and one for my torso and most of my back. I used up a half of the box for one application. In a few hours, I saw color develop. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t orange, either. But still, not a disaster.” Price: $12.99 for an 8-pack.
COMPLAINT: “I want a butt like J-Lo’s, but mine sags!”
SOLUTION: The Brazilian Butt Lift
EXPLANATION: This reverse-liposuction procedure, invented by cosmetic surgeon Ricardo Rodriguez, harvests extra fat from your stomach or neck. Then the fat is spun in a centrifuge until it’s “purified.” After that, according to Dr. Rodriguez, “The process involves hundreds of fat injections, designed to fill the upper quadrant of your buttocks with fat so that the butt appears lifted and perky.” Price: $16,000 to $18,000.
COMPLAINT: “I want a face-lift, but I can’t afford one!”
SOLUTION: Rejuvenique
EXPLANATION: If you don’t mind temporarily looking like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, then try Rejuvenique. This battery-operated facial mask (with eyeholes) sends electric shocks into your face muscles, causing them to contract and ultimately tighten up. According to its inventor, George Springer, wearing the Rejuvenique mask is “like doing eight sit-ups a second with your face.” Price: Four easy payments of only $49.75 (9-volt battery included).
COMPLAINT: “I’ve got no hair on the top of my head!”
SOLUTION: Ronco’s GLH
EXPLANATION: GLH stands for “Great-Looking Hair,” and it’s easy to apply. Just spray it on your bald spot, and voilà!—you have a brown spot that kind of looks like hair when viewed from across the street. Price: $19.95.
Two odd Texas attractions: the Cockroach Hall of Fame and the “Space Alien Pilot’s Grave.”