In 2008 the world was jolted by a steep economic downturn. And, as these stories prove, when the money starts slipping away, people tend to go nuts.
THE PENSIONERS GANG
Six German retirees, all in their 70s, collectively lost $3 million after their financial advisor, James Amburn, invested their money in a Florida real estate deal that went bad. Enraged, the six elderly men attacked Amburn outside his home, hit him on the head with a walker, wrapped him in duct tape, put him in the trunk of a car, and drove him to the basement of one their homes. Once there, the pensioners (including two retired doctors) chained Amburn up, beat him, burned him with cigarettes, and demanded that he get their money back…or they’d kill him. Amburn almost escaped on the second day when he was let outside for a cigarette. But as he was running down the street, his kidnappers shouted that he was a burglar. The neighbors kept their distance; Amburn was recaptured and dragged back inside. He agreed to pay them with his own money, so he wrote out a fax for a cash transfer—but on the bottom he scribbled a coded message for help. After four days in captivity, Amburn was rescued by police. After a doctor checked out the kidnappers (they were tired after all the activity), they were hauled off to jail.
Chinese newspapers reported in Febrary 2009 that a “Mr. Fan,” a successful business owner, had five mistresses. But after the economy tanked, he could afford only one. So Fan decided to hold a “Best Mistress” contest. He hired an instructor from a modeling agency to help judge which of his girlfriends possessed the most beauty—and the most talent at such tasks as singing and guzzling alcohol. The winner would receive a free apartment, a monthly allowance of $738, and of course, Mr. Fan’s affections (when he wasn’t with his wife). But after the contest was over, one of the losers, a woman named Yu, graciously offered to take her four competitors and soon-to-be-former lover on a sightseeing jaunt. She drove them up a scenic mountain road…and off a cliff. Yu was killed in the crash, and all of the passengers were badly injured. Police initially ruled the crash an accident until Yu’s parents showed them her suicide note. In the ensuing scandal, Fan was forced to shut down his business and pay compensation to Yu’s parents for her death. All four mistresses left Mr. Fan. And his wife—who, until then, hadn’t known about the other women—sued for divorce.
Studies show: Weightlifters can handle heavier weights when working out in blue gyms.
Of all the nations in the European Union, Latvia may have been hit the hardest by the recession, with frightened, suddenly penniless citizens rioting in the capital city of Riga. A group called the Latvian Blondes Association came up with a unique way to beat back the financial gloom: Under a banner proclaiming “Make the World a Brighter Place,” hundreds of blonde women dressed in pink and white marched through Riga, accompanied by an orchestra and a fleet of well-dressed lapdogs. It was all part of “Blonde Weekend,” which also featured a golf and tennis tournament. Organizer Marika Gederte declared the event a success, saying, “People need positive emotions, especially in hard times.” She insisted that there was no discrimination against brunettes or redheads, and she is hoping to make the Riga parade an annual event.
• In Nigeria, where motorcycles are a popular form of transportation, a new law requires riders to wear helmets. The money collected from violators would be a boon to the cash-strapped nation, but many cash-strapped riders can’t afford to pay the tickets…or even buy helmets. Result: Riders have started wearing cooking pots on their heads, as well as dried gourds and hollowed-out pumpkins.
• A Michigan postal carrier, John Auito, fell behind on his mortgage. To save his home from foreclosure, he stole postage stamps and then sold them on eBay at a 15-percent discount. Business was so good that Auito had sold $20,000 worth of stamps before authorities caught up with him. He was arrested for stealing government property.
• Another effect of the recession: more bank robberies, especially during the holidays. Just before Christmas in 2009, a stout Santa Claus, dressed in his trademark red suit (along with dark sunglasses) entered a bank in Nashville, Tennessee. When a teller asked him to remove the shades, Santa pulled out a gun and told her to fill his Santa sack with cash. He then drove away and was never found. Bank workers reported that the man was very “jovial” and had told them that times were tough, and he was robbing the bank because “Santa has to pay his elves.”
On September 11, 2002, New York’s winning lottery numbers were 9-1-1.
Retail sales plummeted in 2009. Among the hardest-hit items: men’s underwear. Apparently, say retailers, the less underwear they sell, the worse the financial prognosis. Men just don’t seem to replace their boxers and briefs when times are tight. (Uncle John can confirm this.)
• In Tokyo, workers suffering from financial frustration can head to “The Venting Place” in a busy shopping district. For a small fee, customers can smash china cups and plates against a concrete block.
• Are you tired of seeing phrases like “rising unemployment,” “growing foreclosures,” and “increasingly cash-strapped”? There’s a Web site called Recession Blocker that automatically filters out those kinds of phrases from news articles so you don’t have to keep reading them over and over.
• There’s another Web site called Shoot the Banker. People who are angry with their banker can fire a robotic paintball gun that shoots real paintballs at a live actor playing the role of a wealthy, arrogant bank owner.
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In September 2008, Alan Fishman was appointed CEO of Washington Mutual bank and received a $7.5 million “signing bonus.” Just 17 days later, the bank collapsed and was temporarily taken over by government regulatory bodies. Fishman was no longer needed, but his contract with WaMu guaranteed him $11.6 million for a premature exit. So, for just over two weeks on the job, Fishman netted $19.1 million.
John Wheeler coined the term “black hole” in 1967, two years before the first black hole was discovered.