“O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! That we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!” —William Shakespeare, Othello
DEPARTMENT STORE COWBOYS
Clinton Evers and John Carelock decided to go shopping at the El Dorado, Arkansas, Walmart one day in 2009—on horseback. Sheriff’s deputies tried to stop them after they rode into the parking lot, but the pair went inside the store—still on their horses—as the cops gave chase. The horses galloped through the food aisles, forcing customers to scatter. Police quickly reined in Carelock, but Evers galloped out of the Walmart and into the woods before he was finally caught. According to police, “Alcohol was a factor.”
A homeowner in Buchanan, Wisconsin, woke up late one night in 2009 to the sound of breaking glass. He looked outside and saw that there was broken glass in the street. The next day, police investigators visited local auto-glass shops to see if anyone had come in needing a new car window—and found a customer named Andrew J. Burwitz, whose car police traced to the glass. When questioned, Burwitz admitted that he’d decided to do a drive-by shooting at the home of his ex-girlfriend’s family…but he forgot to roll down his car window before firing his gun. Burwitz was arrested. According to police, “Alcohol was a factor.”
In March 2008, police in Motueka, New Zealand, received a bizarre call: “Help me!” a man was shouting, “I’m being raped by a wombat!” The officers found that strange, because wombats don’t live in New Zealand (they live in Australia). They were about to race to the scene when the man called back and said, “No worries, mates. I’m alright now. He’s gone.” Police went there anyway, and found Arthur Cradock, 48, who told them it was a false alarm: “I’ll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he’s pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know. I didn’t hurt my bum at all!” The cops arrested Cradock for wasting their time. He was sentenced to 75 hours of community service. According to police: “Alcohol was a factor.”
In 2009 a Michigan inmate sued the store he robbed. (He wants $125,000 in damages for injuries he received when an employee shot him.)
A 28-year old man (unnamed in press reports) went to a hospital in 1997, babbling that he wanted to kill himself; his head and chest were covered with bruises. The man told the doctors that he took several nitroglycerin pills and threw himself against a wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. He also admitted that, along with the pills, he’d drunk a fifth of vodka. According to police, “Alcohol was definitely a factor.”
In August 2008, Graham Nickerson, 27, was camping in Cape Sable Island, Nova Scotia. At some point in the night, he went to go pee in the woods, took off his pants, and then couldn’t find them again. After searching the forest in a haze to find them, Nickerson broke into the home of a 92-year-old woman (who wasn’t there) and found an adult diaper. He put it on and then passed out. The elderly woman returned home the next morning to find Nickerson still asleep on the floor, and still wearing one of her diapers. She called the authorities and Nickerson was arrested. Say it with us: “Alcohol was a factor.”
A few nights before Christmas in 2009, four-year-old Hayden Wright woke up at 1:00 a.m., snuck into the kitchen of his home in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and drank a beer (which can get a preschooler quite drunk). Then Hayden, beer in hand, wandered through the neighborhood, went up to a neighbor’s house, found the door unlocked, went inside, found the Christmas tree, and started opening presents. When police finally found Hayden (empty beer can in hand), he was wearing one of the gifts: a brown dress. The boy was taken to a hospital, where his stomach was pumped. According to his mom, “He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that’s where his daddy is.”