Here’s a news item from the future: “June 29, 2159: 231-year-old former stockbroker Bernard Madoff was released today after his 150-year prison sentence ended. His first words to reporters: ‘I want my stuff back.’”
EVERYTHING MUST GO
Over a career of more than two decades, stockbroker—and scam artist—Bernie Madoff bilked thousands of investors out of nearly $20 billion in what is considered the biggest Ponzi scheme in history. He was arrested in December 2008, and pleaded guilty to securities fraud, mail fraud, money laundering, perjury, theft, and six other charges four months later. In November 2009, while Madoff was beginning a 150-year prison term, the U.S. Marshals Service attempted to return some of that money to his victims by holding a series of auctions. The first one was held at the Sheraton Hotel in New York City. Purses, ashtrays, dishes, jewelry, golf clubs, stationery, duck decoys, and a Wayne Gretzky action figure were among the 200 items stacked on folding tables or leaned against walls, ready to go to the highest bidder. What did these things all have in common? They belonged to Madoff and his family, and were seized from their Manhattan penthouse and Montauk, Long Island, vacation home.
As collectors from around the world queued up to bid on the items from the New York sale, the auctioneers estimated they’d fetch about $500,000. Turns out they grossly underestimated just how crazy some people will go for anything (no matter how seemingly insignificant) that has “celebrity” status.
HEY BIDDER, BIDDER…SWWWING, BIDDER!
Auction item: A blue satin New York Mets baseball team jacket with “Madoff” stitched on the back in orange. (Ironically, team owner Fred Wilpon was one of Madoff’s victims.)
Estimated value: $720
Sold for: $14,500
New definition of “ladylike?” King Henry VIII’s ladies at court had a ration of one gallon of beer per day.
Auction items: A Lady Hermes brown suede handbag that belonged to Madoff’s wife, Ruth, plus two other purses.
Estimated value: $210
Sold for: $1,900
Auction items: Three boogie boards, one with “Madoff” written on it with a black marker.
Estimated value: $80
Sold for: $1,000
Auction item: A set of Madoff’s personalized golf clubs (irons only).
Estimated value: $350
Sold for: $3,600
Auction item: A pair of Ruth Madoff’s diamond Victorian dangle earrings.
Estimated value: $20,000
Sold for: $70,000
Auction item: A 1960 Hofstra University ring engraved with “BM.”
Estimated value: $360
Sold for: $6,000
Auction item: A black leather Mont Blanc wallet embossed with “BM.”
Estimated value: $100
Sold for: $2,200
At later auctions, Madoff’s 61-foot yacht, Bull, fetched nearly $1 million; his 38-foot-long boat, Sitting Bull, sold for $320,000; and his 21-foot-long Little Bull brought in $21,000. Some other Madoff items that collectors made off with: hockey trading cards, a “Bernard Madoff Investment Securities” pen, a Tiffany silver key ring monogrammed “BLM,” and the Madoffs’ Christofle flatware engraved “RMB.” And then there was Madoff’s 18-carat-gold Rolex “Prisoner Watch,” inspired by the steel watches given to Allied prisoners of war in Germany during World War II. The Prisoner Watch sold for $65,000 (or about the cost of two years’ worth of room-and-board to imprison Madoff).
In the end, the auctions earned about $3 million for the victims—a tiny fraction of what Madoff had stolen from them.
Following on the heels of the official Bernie Madoff auctions, several unofficial “Bernie Madoff Auctions” took place around the country…in much less posh hotels and community centers. Each of these auctions promised bidders a piece of the Madoff pie. The only problem: None of them offered any items that had actually belonged to Madoff. Atlanta-based Southern Star Auctioneers—which held a sale in Syracuse, New York—said they never claimed to be selling Madoff’s personal items, just stuff that belonged to his victims. But an investigation by the U.S. Marshals discovered that the items didn’t even belong to the victims. In some of the other bogus auctions, organizers forged the stockbroker’s name on the items: They sold $20 fountain pens for hundreds, even thousands of dollars…proving that even though he’s behind bars, Bernie Madoff is still able to part people from their money.
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• At an Illinois summer camp in 2001, 297 people flossed their teeth…with a piece of dental floss that measured 1,500 feet long.
• Ten Royal Marines from England hold the record for pushing around an adult dressed up like a baby: 271.7 miles in 24 hours.
• In 1999 Dustin Phillips of Los Angeles sucked an entire bottle of Heinz ketchup through a straw in 33 seconds.
• As part of a stunt on The Ricki Lake Show in 2001, a couple kissed for a record 31 hours.
• Timothy Badyna ran the Toledo (Ohio) Marathon in 1994 backward—that’s 26.2 miles in four hours, which would even be an excellent time if he ran it forward.
Studies show: The chances of having a left-handed baby increase with every ultrasound the mother has.