You have a new family member! This in and of itself is very exciting. Now, I’m sure that there are some of you out there — and I don’t want to name names — who are sitting comfortably on the couch and waiting for all of the baby information and expertise to be inserted into your brain the way Keanu Reeves’s character learned jujitsu in The Matrix. That would certainly be nice, but as of right now you are still powering the mainframe and will not receive such knowledge. Life is messy, and the best way to get something out of it is to get in there and experience it in all of its glory. The same goes for your relationship with your new child. Learn as much as you can, take the red pill, and then simply jump in with both feet.
First we need to take a step back and admire the brilliant engineering miracle that is the human body. The amazing human body, in its adult form, consists of about 206 bones, is directed by a brain that generates the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb, and sends out thought impulses that travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. Your brain regulates your body temperature, tells you when you need more fuel, and stores tons of readily available information for you to access. Man and our incredible brains have built the pyramids of Egypt, walked on the moon, and brought us those cute “cat plays the piano while wearing sunglasses” web videos. And all of this greatness comes from a one-time single cell organism that, at various points in its existence, could not perform basic functions like clothing or feeding itself.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here —
they are here to replace us.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Your baby is at that helpless time in its life, and truly needs your help. Much like Microsoft does with its software, the human body usually sends the baby out into the marketplace not quite fully formed, but functional. When babies are born, they actually have 300 bones, which need time to fuse and mature into the adult skeleton with its aforementioned 206 skeletal bones. In addition, you may begin to wonder why a baby’s brain sends out the signal to cry — all the time — but the truth of the matter is that your baby is only screaming and hollering; he cannot produce tears until he is at least three weeks old (don’t you feel better?). Truth be told, you are responsible for the creation of this person (religious considerations notwithstanding) and are going to take care of him until he can fend for himself, somewhere between eighteen and thirty years from now. Your list of responsibilities includes providing food, clothing, shelter, and hopefully some sort of direction and purpose to your newborn before you send him off into the cruel world by himself.
True or False: Your child can recognize its parents’ faces.
False. It takes a few weeks for your baby to recognize your and mom’s faces. But a child recognizes the voice and smell of its mother from birth.
In the meantime, your child has a lot to learn. While all of the body parts and muscles are there from the beginning, it takes some time and practice for a baby to get used to operating a machine as complicated as the human body. Even the simple act of walking takes the coordination of almost 200 different muscles. And once your child is able to master the complex series of thought and coordination of muscles required to do this, he will just be getting started. But your baby is also a multitasker: while learning to coordinate and move all of these different body parts, he is also getting started on learning the approximately 1 million words that Webster estimates make up the English language, starting with “Mama” and “Dada” and quickly followed by the word “No.” The point here is there is more growth and development going on when your child is an infant and toddler than in any other time in his life. This is quite an exciting time, full of victories and cute failures, and you will have a front row seat. So while your nose may be offended from time to time, don’t forget to keep in mind what an amazing thing the growth and development of your child really is.
Now, just in case you are feeling nervous about holding your child, or if you just need a quick refresher on what to do, here are a few tips on how to handle your child correctly when Mom leaves you in charge:
So there you go. You can now safely handle your little one without fear of damaging or (gasp!) dropping him. The next step in the revolution will be to teach parents to keep track of their kids at the mall without the use of leashes.
Many of you may be familiar with the term “BMP,” or “baby-making partner.” You know, the mother of your child. Let’s hope you not only know her, but care deeply for her. This is not just the romantic in me talking; a stable relationship between parents has been proven to help the successful emotional development of children. The research here from the National Society for Children and Family Contact (nscfc.com) is pretty indisputable. Consider this:
The more you look, the more you will find facts like this. My only gripe is their use of the term “lone” parent. In the simplest terms, parenting is a tough go, and being the breadwinner, chauffeur, disciplinarian, etc. to children all rolled into one is asking a lot of one person.
So the evidence is there that Mom needs you, and you need her. Mom, also known as your BRP? You remember her? She has a really engaging personality, looks that caught your eye, and a beautiful soul that allows the two of you to connect on many levels. Now the romantic in me is taking over. Anyway …
That was your BMP. But the two of you have been through the life-changing experience of bringing a child into the world together. You were definitely part of it, but her body did most of the work. Going through a major life event like that often changes people, and your BMP has changed. All of those wonderful qualities that you love about her are still in the mix, but starting now, she will be growing and changing as she takes on the role of being a mother. She is now your “BRP,” or “baby-raising partner.” Life experience and the responsibility of having a child will apply a smooth finish to her as she eases into becoming both a woman and a mom. “What is going to be the difference?” you may be asking yourself. You and she talked about how you would still do all of your favorite things together. Eat at your favorite restaurants, go to the movies, go see your favorite local bands play. But, although I don’t have an advanced medical degree, I believe there is a term for this type of thinking, where you promise yourself that a major life change is not going to change you.
It’s called denial.
I am not referring to the rather large river in Africa. I am talking about the fact that you are not being realistic with yourself. Having children changes a woman; it will change you, and it will change your relationship. Your children will expose and introduce you to aspects of yourself that you never knew existed. You may not even realize this until you are getting up in the face of a parent whose toddler pushed your child down on the playground; while you are barely resisting the urge to squirt breastmilk at the parent of the offender, you may wonder, “Where did this come from? I’m not usually like this.” Well, it came from the change you undergo when you become a parent. Let’s look at some of the changes new parents often experience. For the change applying to Dad, I speak from firsthand experience. For the female side of the ledger, I can cobble together a few important issues I have noticed from relevant sources including my own experience with my wife, discussions with others, and, of course, my keen observational powers:
So, as you can see, there is quite a lot going on here in early parenthood, just like there is so much going on with your child. It can get messy with multiple family members changing so rapidly, so try to keep things in perspective. A former manager of mine used to say that we were not encountering “problems”; we were simply finding “opportunities.” You may be finding many “opportunities” that will stretch your patience and your ability to keep a level head, but you’ll have to get used to change in your life and adjust accordingly, because change is the only thing that will be a constant in your life going forward. And speaking of change, we will be discussing the many changes that Junior will go through (all throughout, but there’s a lot of detailed information contained in Chapter 5) as well as how your partner might be changing (skip ahead to Chapter 6 if you must). Hmm. Is there anyone else? I can’t help but feel that we are forgetting somebody …
True or False: Newborn babies sleep more than twelve hours a day.
True. Newborn babies actually sleep an average of 16–17 hours a day. It may just not seem like it to you, because they usually get their rest one to two hours at a time.
The word “Dad,” as far as the experts can tell, actually came from babies themselves, but almost every older language has some form of the word “father.” It is actually “Vader” in old German. If only I would have known this when Star Wars was released, I might have pieced it all together and been the coolest kid in grade school. But no matter what language your child uses to address you, you are her dad, and you have an important job to do. Now, I’m sure you’ve heard that the job is quite a challenge; in fact, cynics out there label parenting as an exercise in failure and say that, as a parent, you can only strive to fail less than the next parent. While I am cynical on many fronts, I respectfully disagree.
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right,
he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
—Charles Wadsworth, 1814-1882
I have seen the relationship and the connection between parent and child gradually change, but what remains constant is the love between them. Perhaps we can meet on some middle ground with the cynics and all agree on this: parenting is hard — and in some ways, the changes that men experience catch us by surprise. Your body did not go through the same things that your BRP’s did, and often times men do not realize the degree to which they will be changing. Hopefully the outcome is more like a strike of lightning spurring you on to the next phase of your life, and less like a car crash. Now, if you’re not sure how to define who you are or what to do as a parent right now, here are some of the basics to help you get started:
So you see, it’s going to be really easy, right? Everyone in your family will be constantly experiencing both positive and negative changes in their lives. Change is always tough. Each family member will be dealing with his or her own trials, and all the while you will have to balance the wants and needs of each person, along with the financial considerations every family faces. At least one parent (hopefully) will also be dealing with the issues that can arise from working a job, and somebody still needs to get to the grocery store … I think you get the point. As a parent you will constantly be juggling, juggling, juggling, and distributing limited resources of time, talent, and treasure among multiple important family members. It is a challenging task that can — and likely will — take some time to master. But for all of that hard work, there is a lifetime of rewards. Just talk to your parents and/or grandparents about their lives. The consistent refrain among them is not that they regret not working more or advancing further in their career. What they cherish are the good times with their family, and they often regret that there are not more of those good times to look back on. Do you remember the look on the grandparents’ faces when they first held your little baby? I do. What I saw was a look of pride and joy.
The life of a family is a world where you must always look at the entire family and balance and prioritize resources of time, talent, and treasure. Does this juggling act that I just described sound fun and challenging? I hope so, because this is you, learning to be a dad and striving for those special life rewards that come with doing your job well.
True or False: There is now a diaper bag for men.
False. There is a diaper bag that is being marketed to men, but there is truly no men’s diaper bag by the mere function of the bag itself. You can create a “murse” (man purse), but that does not mean that the Committee of Grown Men sanctions the use of this item.