HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY GRIEVING
And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief.
—WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT, “THE DEATH OF THE FLOWERS”
JUST MAKE THE pain go away!” For one who is grieving, that’s usually one of the deepest heart cries. Death hurts! If it weren’t so painful, perhaps we could handle it better. Intellectually you may know that experiencing pain at the death of a loved one is expected. But when it hurts so bad, it’s only human to try to do whatever you can to ease the pain.
Thankfully the human mind is amazingly resilient, and there are many ways of easing the pain of grief. Some of these strategies actually help you move along in your journey through this valley. Others, however, short-circuit, sabotage, or delay your journey and have the potential to only deepen your pain in the future.
There’s no “right” way to grieve. There’s no checklist or rule book or treatment plan that you can follow. (How I wished for such a checklist during the early days of my own grief!) But understanding some of the ways people have responded to grief can help you focus your own responses in a more fruitful and constructive direction. For lack of a better way to describe them, we’ll call these responses to grief healthy and unhealthy. Here’s what they look like.
Unhealthy Ways of Responding to Grief
Think of unhealthy responses to grief as setting up residence in the dark valley. Many of these unhealthy responses are ways people seek to numb the pain that comes with grief, but all of them in some way keep you stuck where you are.
It’s been said that if you’re in a valley, a pit, a mess, don’t stay there; keep going! Unhealthy responses to grief keep you stuck in the mire without moving you forward. The following are some possible responses to grief you will want to avoid.
Isolating yourself
When humans are hurt, one of the most natural responses is to try to hide. It’s as if you physically and/or emotionally curl up into a ball, wrap your tail around your face, and close yourself off to the outside world. You refuse to accept that anyone or anything outside yourself could be useful, and you rebuff any attempts from others to connect with you.
Rest and significant times of solitude are vital for your grief journey, but when being alone turns into isolation, it becomes destructive. Your personality will impact how big of a trap isolation is for you, but anyone going through grief is tempted to isolate. It just hurts so much you feel like turning into yourself and nursing your wounds. Turning inward seems the safest option, but it actually prevents helpful input and keeps you stuck in the worst part of your pain.
Your grief is your own; no other human being can understand every aspect of what you’re going through. But you do need people. How do you know if you’re isolating? Ask yourself if you are letting other people in and if you’re letting God in. Other people cannot do your grieving for you or take your pain away, but it’s vital that you allow both human and divine input and connection.
Turning inward seems the safest option, but it actually prevents helpful input and keeps you stuck in the worst part of your pain.
I believe every grieving person needs human contact several times each week. Sometimes that human contact may be somewhat superficial, such as sitting in church while silently weeping and saying nothing. Sometimes that human contact should be more “real,” such as attending a grief support group and sharing a little of your pain. This will be easier for some than others. If you’re the kind of person who tends to isolate, you may need to expend more than the usual amount of energy in choosing human connections. We’ll talk more about this in chapter 5.
I never knew my father-in-law, but he did not respond to his wife’s death in a healthy way. My husband told me that from shortly after her funeral until his death a few years later his father was rarely sober. Although it wasn’t immediate, he literally drank himself to death.
For someone prone to addiction, using alcohol, illegal drugs, or pills to numb out after a loved one’s death may seem the “natural” way to dull the pain. It’s an understandable response, but it always leads to destruction. You might think this would not be a likely trap for believers, but that’s not necessarily so. Your defenses are down when you’re faced with the overwhelming pain of grief, and using some substance to dull the pain or go to sleep can seem an easier way out than wrestling with the feelings involved.
I believe people who are still processing the loss of a loved one should not use any substance of any kind on their own to dull the pain of grief. The dangers are too great. It may be difficult to find healthier ways to soothe your emotions, but it’s worth the slow and painful effort to do so. This is where doing your grief work comes in.
You may be wondering, “What about prescription medications such as antidepressants or sleeping pills?” This is not an easy question to answer, primarily because our culture desires instant gratification. The thinking seems to be, if you don’t feel good, look to a pill to fix you. Some doctors have fallen into this pattern as well, knowing that a prescription is one of the few things they have to offer that might help someone feel better, even if only temporarily.
If you are stuck in grief and unable to function, there are times when it is necessary and appropriate to use prescription medication under the close supervision of your doctor. Look at such medication not as a way to be fixed but as one tool to help you function while you are doing the other parts of your grief work.
Engaging in excessive activity
Throwing yourself into constant activity can be a means of delaying your grief work. That may look like long hours at work, lots of travel, or other significant projects. Getting involved in life and activities again can be a healthy way of dealing with grief unless you are using such activity as a way to avoid exploring your feelings and doing your grief work.
No one can tell you how much time you should spend feeling bad or how much energy you must devote specifically to grief work. But if you are using the activities you choose to engage in as a way of totally eclipsing your mind and emotions to the point that you are numbing your feelings, that’s not healthy.
The danger here is that your grief goes underground. You are only pretending that you’re not in a dark valley. Sometime later the thoughts and feelings you are not dealing with will certainly come out in destructive ways. That may look like a rebound romantic relationship after losing a spouse, irritable and angry ways of treating others at work, or a completely out-of-proportion response to some comparatively minor stress down the road.
Take the time now to deal with your grief. Do your grief work. It’s the only way to get through the valley of grief.
Wallowing
At the opposite extreme from excessive activity is wallowing in grief. If you tend to respond this way, you may feel as though you have no reason to go on living without your loved one. You spend every moment of every day grieving—crying, thinking and talking about your loved one, reliving moments with your loved one, spending long hours at your loved one’s resting place, investing money you don’t have in memorials, etc.
All these things are part of healthy grieving: crying, remembering your loved one, talking about him or her, visiting the person’s resting place, etc. It only becomes wallowing when that’s all you are doing, and you are investing no energy in moving forward. No one can tell you how quickly you will or should move through the dark valley of grief, but it’s important that you choose to take steps that move you forward.
How do you know if you’re wallowing? Ask yourself if you are choosing healing. You won’t feel like you’re on a healing journey every day. Some days will be very difficult, and you won’t always feel like choosing healing. That’s OK. But are you taking a step forward? Are you spending bits of time with people who are uplifting and positive? Are you seeking God’s perspective on your grief and asking for His guidance for the next phase of your life? If the answers to those questions are yes, you’re probably not wallowing.
Grief hurts. And besides excessive activity or substance abuse there are plenty of other ways to numb out. That might be vegging out in front of the TV for endless hours, sleeping away both your days and nights, compulsive shopping, playing video games, or anything else to keep your mind occupied and distracted.
The only way to get through the pain is to feel it. You can’t concentrate on the full weight of your grief every moment of every day, and you need definite times of distraction, rest, even entertainment. Again, no one can tell you how much time to spend doing your grief work. Your mind and emotions have a finite amount of energy with which to engage in your grief work, and periods of numbing out aren’t wrong in themselves (as long as the activity is not in itself destructive).
The point is to make sure you are taking a small step forward on a regular basis. Are you allowing yourself periods of time to feel emotions? Are you choosing to do some grief work at least a few times each week? Are you taking steps to regularly connect with God along the way? If so, you’re probably doing fine. It’s super hard to look days, weeks, or months into the future when you’re grieving, and you don’t have to. But keep choosing to take one small step forward at a time.
Healthy Ways of Responding to Grief
Some of the healthy responses to grief we already mentioned in the last chapter. I’ll elaborate on a few of them and add some others. These are ways of responding to grief that actually help you move forward through the dark valley instead of setting up residence there.
These responses are most important in the first weeks and months after the death of your loved one, but most grieving people will need to continue these in some measure for a much longer time. Many significant elements of grief last two or three years for many, if not most, people. The unhealthy ways of responding to grief can delay your healing process, but even these healthier ways of responding may not make your grieving process much shorter. These healthier ways of responding will help you be more functional right from the start, bring you more healing, and do much to help you discover what God has next for you. But this will still take time.
There are also some very real aspects of grief that never go away. That may sound discouraging, but it’s really not. Remembering your loved one will always be important, but the sting of that memory can be healed over time. You may always have times when difficult feelings around your loved one wash over you, but the disruptiveness of those feelings can definitely lessen. The aspects of grief you continue to carry with you will become softer over time and can actually become very precious.
Part of the journey through grief is learning new ways of thinking, behaving, believing, connecting, doing life, and trusting God. These healthier ways of responding to grief are part of developing these new ways of being. You are carrying your loved one with you, though you are having to learn to live without that person’s physical presence. These elements will not only be valuable during the initial months after your loved one’s death but also will help you develop patterns that will serve you well even much later.
Making space for your feelings
There are innumerable things that may trigger various emotions around the loss of your loved one. Those triggers will not always be as powerful as they are right now, but they will not completely go away. That’s actually a good thing. When those feelings come, you are reminded of what your loved one meant to you and who you are as a result of your relationship with that person. It’s part of who you are.
When a feeling such as sadness, loneliness, anger, fear, worry, pain, regret, etc. washes over you, learn to experience it as a wave. It will rise in intensity, reach a peak, and then lessen. Ignoring the wave doesn’t make it go away. Often the best response is to ride the wave. During the early periods after your loved one’s death these waves will feel unmanageable. As you learn to ride the wave, you will come to feel less out of control. Learn to recognize your feelings as real and also acknowledge that your feelings do not constitute the whole truth.
You can choose some things in advance that you will do when those feelings come. That may look like stopping what you’re doing and focusing on the wave, crying if you must for a few moments, etc. If necessary, you can let others around you know you just need a moment alone. That can also look like breathing out a prayer to God, taking a moment to remember your loved one, or choosing a verse, poem, or saying to think about.
The important thing is to acknowledge and own your feelings while not allowing them to be your master. That will become easier over time, especially if you intentionally think in these ways while doing your grief work.
Guarding your physical health
The impact of grief on your physical health is real, and it’s important you give your body some extra TLC during this time. As mentioned previously, that starts with drinking, eating, exercising, and resting appropriately. It’s likely your patterns for even these basic lifestyle necessities will be altered; be intentional about addressing these fundamentals of self-care.
Sometimes the physical symptoms you experience may indicate a more serious health condition. You may have also put off regular medical care for yourself, especially if you were heavily involved in caring for your loved one. And the stress of grief may uncover some health concerns you were more easily able to ignore in the past.
For these reasons and more, it’s helpful to get a medical evaluation some time during the early months after your loved one’s death, more quickly if you’re having worrisome symptoms. With so much of your emotions and thinking taken up with grief-related things, it may be harder than normal for you to determine what’s serious and what’s not. A doctor’s checkup will reassure you if there’s nothing to worry about and prompt you to get some help if there is.
Doing one thing at a time
Trying to get everything done quickly or not taking any steps at all to “take care of business” are two ways to make your grief process harder than it needs to be. As previously mentioned, the healthiest way to go about taking care of the many things you need to do is slowly and steadily. That includes the practical matters such as legal or financial issues or dealing with your loved one’s belongings. It applies just as much to your more direct grief work, such as journaling, remembering, working through your emotions, or wrestling with God about questions you have.
Get into a pattern of dealing with one thing at a time as much as possible. That’s really all your mind will be able to focus on anyway. For today that might mean one phone call, going through one drawer, making one journal entry, or making one small decision. It may be very difficult to look further ahead than today or this week; that’s OK. That’s why taking small steps one at a time is all you should worry about.
Taking actions or making decisions that involve months or years in the future is usually unwise during the first year after a loved one’s death. Postpone big decisions for six to twelve months whenever possible, and if you can’t, look for someone to help you think through that decision. As time goes by, your ability to think about longer-time horizons will improve. Right now just do the next thing for today and then stop until tomorrow.
Embracing the memories
This is related to making space for your feelings and doing the next thing, but it deserves specific mention. As I said in an earlier chapter, remembering your loved one and doing things in response is an important part of healthy grieving. Trying to not remember is an underlying issue in several of the unhealthy responses to grief mentioned previously.
Tell stories about your loved one. Don’t be afraid to mention him or her to others, and ask what they remember as well. Write about or to your loved one. Take your time in going through his or her belongings. You may also want to create physical reminders of your loved one’s life and who he or she was to you. All those things can be meaningful and healing in your journey.
Accepting help
Times of solitude are healthy and necessary; isolation is not. Accepting help is an important part of grieving in a healthy way. Our culture today makes this more difficult than it perhaps was in the past when extended family and close-knit communities did life together over many years. But there are many ways in which help is available. It’s OK to lean on others during this season more than you normally would.
While others cannot understand everything about your experience, your family and friends likely want to be supportive. Let them help you. Reach out for practical help if you need to. Get professional help if you’re not coping. (We’ll talk more about this in chapter 5.) It’s OK to just call a friend or family member and ask that person to listen. As I mentioned before, if there are significant decisions you are not able to delay, ask someone you trust to talk through the decision with you.
It’s also healthy to connect with others who have lost loved ones. Your church may offer such a program. Hospice organizations or funeral homes often offer such support, or they can refer you to such a program in your community. Taking advantage of such support may feel awkward at first, but you are likely to find it helpful.
Finding comfort
Comfort may seem elusive during the early days and weeks of your grief journey. It can be helpful to intentionally look for healthy ways to find comfort. Your personality and your history with your loved one will color what this looks like for you individually. Try to imagine moments when you felt calm and peaceful in the past, and see if there are small things from those previous experiences that you can bring into your experience now as a way to find moments of comfort.
That might look like lighting a candle, soaking in a bubble bath, sitting outside and listening to the birds sing, holding a piece of your loved one’s clothing, enjoying a favorite cup of tea, or listening to some of your favorite music. Look for those sensory moments that calm and nourish your body and soul, and intentionally let your heart feel comforted. Your pain will not go away; indeed, looking for comfort may well bring on tears. But investing moments of time and energy in embracing comfort will help sustain you through this dark valley. (Just make sure you are not using the unhealthy grieving methods mentioned earlier.)
Taking God with you on the journey
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: reaching out for God’s perspective and support is one of the most important aspects of grieving in a healthy way. You may have periods when your faith seems relatively strong and you know God will be with you through this journey. Then the very next day or week things may seem unusually dark, and you may feel like God is distant and uninvolved. Remember that it’s you who is changing, not God. It’s OK to go through these different emotional states when it comes to your connection with God. The important thing is to keep choosing to pursue a relationship with Him.
A healthy habit to get into is to direct your thoughts, emotions, and questions to God regardless of how small or large they seem. He’s there with you twenty-four hours a day, and you can be sure you’re not bothering Him. You can do this dozens of times a day if need be.
If you’re lying awake at night, ask God to bless you with restful sleep. If you’re confused and don’t know what to do next, reach out with a “Lord, what do I do now?” When you feel lonely, say, “Jesus, are You here with me?” When you’re angry, cry out, “Why did this have to happen?” When you feel as though you have no reason to go on, say, “Jesus, I need You to give me a purpose, even for just today.” When you don’t know who to reach out to, ask, “Lord, who are You sending me that I need to connect with?” Do life with Jesus moment by moment.
Will that magically make everything OK? It won’t feel OK. You won’t always hear or feel an immediate, intellectually satisfying answer. But going through this grief process with God will become one of the truly meaningful aspects of your entire relationship with Him. Your sense of trust in Him and ability to hear His voice will increase as a result.
Does that sound too “spiritual” and too hard? It’s not. Whatever relationship with God you had in the past will be stretched through your grief journey, and that’s a good thing. In the places where it was strong, your faith will be a support, but your previous faith will not be completely enough to rest on. You will need to consciously choose to exercise your faith and connect with God as you move forward. That may feel messy and uncertain, but it will be one of the most important parts of choosing and experiencing healing.
The pain of grief will demand that you respond in some way. You can’t not respond. How you respond will either move you forward through the dark valley of grief or sabotage and delay your journey.
Unhealthy responses to grief may seem like the only ways available to deal with overwhelming pain, but they actually lead you to take up residence in the dark valley. These unhealthy responses include isolation, substance abuse, excessive activity, wallowing, and numbing out. Anything that prevents you from regularly doing your grief work can end up causing more pain in the end.
Healthy responses to grief help move you forward on your journey, even though you may progress slowly and with difficulty. Healthy responses include creating space for your feelings, caring for your physical body, accepting help, remembering, doing the next thing, and taking God with you on the journey. It may not immediately feel like it, but these activities will truly help you move out of the worst of your pain.
TWO STEPS FORWARD
1. Did you see yourself in any of the examples of unhealthy ways of grieving? While still being gentle with yourself, are there any steps you could take to do things differently?
2. How are you seeking comfort? Are you seeking comfort from God? Why or why not?