Lord. . . if you had been here, my brother would not have died.
—MARTHA, JOHN 11:21
WHILE YOUR EXPERIENCE of grief is unique, there are more people around you who have experienced or are experiencing grief than you probably realize. The leader of a monthly prayer group I participate in asked me to tell the group about the opportunity God has given me to write this book, which I did for two or three minutes. Even I was surprised at the response. Many of the group members came up to me later and told me about their own loss—a child, a beloved older sister, a spouse, a parent. And each one mentioned some variation of “I was angry with God” or “This rattled my faith” or “I had a hard time accepting that God would do this.”
However your faith has been challenged in years past, the death of a loved one can challenge your belief in, trust in, and relationship with God in new ways. You may be surprised at how deeply this affects you even if you have had a close relationship with God in the past. Your questions may be unspoken or shouted aloud. You may be partially successful in covering them over with religious behaviors but only for a time. You won’t wrestle with all these questions, but some part of you will almost certainly ask one or more of them:
• If God is good, why did He allow this to happen to my loved one? Why is He allowing me to suffer right now?
• If God is all-powerful, couldn’t He have prevented my loved one from dying?
• Is God punishing me by taking my loved one from me?
• Did my loved one die as punishment for his sins?
• Does the fact that my grief is so excruciatingly difficult mean I’m not trusting God? Couldn’t He make this journey easier? Why doesn’t He do so?
• If God really cares, why is He letting all these bad things, including my loved one’s death, happen?
• I prayed. Others prayed. Why didn’t God answer our prayers?
• My loved one was not saved. Would a good God put him in hell?
Some part of you is almost certain to ask some variation of why.
There’s good news and painful news in response to your questions. The good news is that there are answers. The painful news is that those answers probably won’t be what you expect or want them to be. They probably won’t intellectually satisfy your why in the way you may wish they would. The answers won’t be the kind that would necessarily stand up in a courtroom or formulate a scientific proof.
But if you give God opportunity, if you choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other in your journey through this dark valley and invite Him to go with you, you can find the answers. Or perhaps more correctly, your questions can be satisfied.
Here are some ways to think about these questions and some suggestions for how to look for answers.
How to Ask Why
For as long as human beings have tried to survive in a sinful world, they have asked why. The problem of good and evil is perhaps the biggest of all questions, and when you lose a loved one, it becomes intensely personal. How can you reconcile a good God with the badness of what you’re experiencing right now? Theologians and philosophers have wrestled with those questions for millennia, and we won’t finish that discussion here. But as you go about asking those questions, there are some useful things to know and do that will help you move toward their resolution.
Some people feel guilty for even asking why questions. Some of the people you discuss these issues with may give you the impression that “good” Christians don’t ask such questions. They may offer “answers” that feel demeaning, superficial, insensitive, or meaningless. The first thing to know is that God’s Word demonstrates that it’s OK to ask these kinds of questions.
Here are just a few biblical examples of God’s friends plying Him with why questions.
So Moses returned to the LORD and said, “Lord, why have You brought trouble on this people? Why is it You have sent me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has done evil to this people; neither have You delivered Your people at all.”
—EXODUS 5:22–23, NKJV
Have I sinned? What have I done to You, O watcher of men? Why have You set me as Your target, so that I am a burden to myself?
—JOB 7:20, NKJV
Why do You stand far off, O LORD? Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?
—PSALM 10:1, MEV
My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? Why are You so far from helping Me, and from the words of My groaning? O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; and in the night season, and am not silent.
—PSALM 22:1–2, NKJV
O God, why have You cast us off forever? Why does Your anger smoke against the sheep of Your pasture?
—PSALM 74:1, NKJV
O LORD, how long shall I cry, and You will not hear? Even cry out to You, “Violence!” and You will not save.
—HABAKKUK 1:2, NKJV
Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”
—JOHN 11:21, MEV
God has no problem with you asking such questions. Those who knew Him well—His very best friends—asked those kinds of questions. The painful human emotions that accompany grief, such as frustration, anger, desperation, confusion, and fear, are real and God understands that. Asking such disturbing questions is fine. In fact, wrestling with such questions opens the possibility of an even closer relationship with God in the future. It’s possible to shake your fist at God, demanding He do what you want as though you’re greater than He is; that’s not what we’re talking about. But when you bring Him your deep and troubling questions like a hurt child going to a loving parent, you actually honor Him. So yes, ask.
Direct your questions to God.
In the biblical examples listed previously, notice that these Bible heroes directed their questions to God. In fact, He welcomes that: “Come now, and let us reason together, says the LORD” (Isa. 1:18, MEV). The Hebrew word translated “reason” in this verse can also be translated “argue.”1 God invites us to come to Him with the tough questions. You won’t hurt His ego or make Him mad.
In fact, God is the only reliable place to go for answers. Reading books like this one; talking with friends, family, and other believers; and searching your own mind for answers may all have their place. But there is an important sense in which one human (you) going to another human source for answers to the really big questions is like the blind leading the blind. At some point you need to go to the source. The only way in which this book or other believers are truly helpful in addressing these questions is when the Holy Spirit takes a thought or statement you read or hear and applies it to your own heart. He’s the only One who knows the ultimate answers. And He’s the only One who can speak those answers to the deepest places in your soul.
Get quiet so you can hear God’s answers.
How do you hear God’s answers? Often our thoughts and overwhelming emotions during a time of grief make hearing God’s voice difficult. He doesn’t usually shout over the clashing barrage of sound in your head. That’s why it’s important for you to find ways to get quiet. It’s when your mind and heart have become relatively still that you are more likely to hear Him. You do that primarily by intentionally entering the presence of God and inviting Him to go with you into the deepest hurts and darkest places of your heart.
Find times when you can get alone with God. You may be tired and emotional, and your mind won’t have the same ability to focus as you normally do, but just be still. You may wish to begin by reading a few verses in the Psalms or listening to some worship music. You may cry or beg or scream. You may find journaling your prayers to God a helpful way of expressing your deep emotions. Let whatever emotions you have flow out to God, and then don’t rush away. Stay there a little longer and choose to allow your heart to hear if He has something to say to you.
Sometimes you will feel nothing except an emotional release, a crashing of the emotional wave in your soul. Sometimes you may sense a simple presence, a quiet knowing from God that says, “I’m here.” Sometimes you may sense something specific and clear that can become like an anchor you will be able to hold on to during your journey through the dark valley.
One friend told me about how lost she felt when her older sister died. Her sister had always been a rock of strength to her. She cried out to God, “Why did You take my rock away from me?” She clearly heard God’s reply to her heart, “I am your rock!”
A wife was crying out to God in her grief after her husband’s unexpected death. God spoke to her, “Be grateful.” She replied, “How can I be grateful for his death?” God responded, “I’m not asking you to be grateful for his death; I’m asking you to be grateful for his life.” And she felt an important change in the direction of her emotions from that point on.
Some weeks after my husband died, I was feeling his loss deeply and wrestling with God about my pain. I heard Him clearly speak to my heart, “I trusted you to bring him home.” That simple message to my soul encapsulated so much of the life Al and I had shared together, and it became a priceless reassurance to me of God’s understanding, presence, and comfort, and that He had everything under control.
I remember a live event at which I heard evangelist Oral Roberts speak of how he and his wife wrestled deeply with God after their son Ronald’s suicide. At one point God spoke to them, “I know something about this that you don’t know.” That became something they held on to in the ensuing years.
God will do the same for you. You may notice that God’s simple message to these individuals during their grief was specific to them. You can hear His specific message just for you too. These examples hopefully will help you see how God’s answers to your struggles and questions may not always satisfy your intellectual curiosity, but they will satisfy your soul. He will respond to you in a way that uniquely addresses what you need to hear. If you keep coming back into His presence, God Himself will become the answer to your questions.
Your job? Just keep coming back to Him. Find times, even if they’re short, when you will intentionally enter God’s presence. Do it over and over again. When you’re there, let your emotions flow out and then get quiet. Direct your questions to Him. Stick around, and your questions can be satisfied.
For the remainder of this chapter I’m going to present a few ideas that have helped people move toward some resolution when it comes to asking, “Why, God?” Each of these ideas is itself worthy of deeper Bible study. But when you’re feeling overwhelmed in the early periods of grief, what you need most is God’s presence and comfort. This is only a brief overview of the topics addressed, but that may be all your brain can absorb right now anyway. Don’t get too tied up in intellectual stuff. Let these truths speak to your heart.
The character of God
Nothing provides us greater security than truly understanding the character of God. The Bible as a whole is the story of how God originally intended things to be; how things got messed up; and all that He has done, is doing, and is about to do to make things right. Here are a few of the things we can be sure of about God’s character.
God is full of love. His very nature is love always.
There are dozens of variations of this truth in Scripture.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.
—PSALM 136:1
God is love.
—1 JOHN 4:8
God never changes. He is always the same.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
—HEBREWS 13:8
God is never pleased when someone dies, either physically or spiritually.
For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live! . . . Say to them, “As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, people of Israel?”
—EZEKIEL 18:32; 33:11
God takes your loved one’s death seriously. It’s important to Him.
Precious [noteworthy, important] in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints.
—PSALM 116:15, NKJV
God knows everything that we don’t know.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.
—ISAIAH 55:9, MEV
God will wipe away all your tears.
He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces.
—ISAIAH 25:8
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
—REVELATION 21:4
Marinate in these truths about who God is. Let them sink into your soul. Saturate your thoughts with these ideas. Sometimes when nothing makes sense intellectually, the only thing you have to hold on to is that you know who your God is. Your feelings may not be there, but you can choose to trust anyway.
These truths about who God is can be especially helpful if you are not sure of your loved one’s salvation. Remember, God cannot act in a way that is inconsistent with His nature. He’s not looking to keep your loved one out of heaven; He’s looking for any possible way to save him or her. You almost certainly don’t know what happened between your loved one and God in the final moments of the person’s presence on earth. It only took a quick “Lord, save me!” for Jesus to rescue Peter from drowning (Matt. 14:29–31). With one simple outcry to Jesus, the thief on the cross was assured of his salvation (Luke 23:42–43).
Did your loved one call out to Jesus in the final milliseconds of his or her life? You and I don’t know, but God does. Remember, He is not willing for anyone to perish. The witness of Scripture is that not every human being will be saved, but if there’s any possible way for God to save your loved one, He will do so!
And what if your loved one is not there when God makes all things new? Some people feel they would never be able to enjoy eternity without their loved one. This is again where relying on the character of God is important. You and I can be assured that in eternity, when we are able to see everything and know everything as God does, when we can ask Him our remaining questions face to face, we will not want Him to have done anything differently. We will be able to affirm, “He has done all things well” (Mark 7:37, NKJV).
These next ideas address theological points where good, God-fearing Bible students sometimes disagree. I hope you find these ideas helpful. But please don’t get bogged down here if you don’t.
In eternity, when we are able to see and know everything as God does, when we can ask Him our remaining questions face to face, we will not want Him to have done anything differently.
The nature of good and evil
We live in a war zone. Our entire sinful, messed-up world is a war zone. Taking the war between God’s kingdom of light and Satan’s kingdom of darkness into account is perhaps the only way we can make much sense out of much that is going on around us, including the reality of death. Death became a reality on earth the moment Satan convinced Adam and Eve to rebel against God, and we’ve been experiencing the fallout ever since.
Yes, Jesus definitively won the war against Satan, sin, and death through His life, death on the cross, and resurrection. The war has been won eternally. But we live in the in-between time, that period between the reality of victory (at the cross) and the final realization of that victory (when God makes all things new). In this in-between time we often get wounded in the crossfire between good and evil. Our loved ones often get wounded. It’s not fair! But it is part of the answer to the why questions. Why doesn’t God eliminate evil when it hurts His children so deeply? Part of the answer involves God’s determined desire that human beings follow Him, not because they are forced to do so or out of fear but because they love Him and choose to follow Him. That’s only a partial answer, and I realize no rational answer will fully satisfy your heart.
Sometimes we get wounded—and our loved ones get wounded—through our own actions, choices, and behaviors. Sometimes we are wounded through the actions, choices, and behavior of others. And sometimes humans get wounded just because we are still living in this sinful, messed-up world. The good news is that regardless of the immediate cause, we know the end of the story. We can experience real healing, joy, and life here and now, but we don’t experience all of that as fully as God originally created us to—at least not yet. Part of our redemption awaits eternity.
Paul wrote, “For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body” (Rom. 8:22–23, NKJV). There is something we are still waiting for. That something yet to come will be more glorious, more wonderful, and more worth it than anything we can imagine.
Until then we can hold on to the rest of the story, which we know. Spoiler alert: Jesus wins!
Unanswered prayer
Sometimes the death of a loved one can be especially painful for Christians who firmly believe God answers prayers and performs miracles today. Why didn’t God protect or heal your loved one? Was it because of your lack of faith? Your loved one’s lack of faith? Your sin? Your loved one’s sin? Should you have prayed harder? Could you have somehow drummed up more faith? Why didn’t God answer your prayers and honor your faith?
Personally, I believe God performs miracles today. I’ve seen and experienced them myself. I’ve watched God perform miracles in answer to my prayers. I’ve also seen people not healed and people die, including my husband, even when prayed for in faith. I don’t pretend to have answers that will explain everything, but I have learned much about what faith and prayer are all about.
God is not some heavenly vending machine who gives us what we want if we only find the right prayer formula. Faith is not some heavenly currency that allows us to get a certain outcome in exchange for a given quantity of faith. The kingdom of God being here on earth now does not mean everything always happens in the way we wish. Such a view actually cheapens faith and prayer, and it turns our relationship with God into a transaction. God’s too big for that.
God describes Himself as our Father. If you are a parent, you understand that your view of reality, life, and your children’s well-being is much bigger than theirs. So is God’s view of reality and our well-being. He suffers with us when we suffer. Pain and death are not good things. God doesn’t enjoy your pain and isn’t trying to teach you a lesson by taking your loved one from you. Not at all! But there are things He knows that we don’t know.
There’s also the issue of time. Your pain right now is real, and if you could see Jesus with your physical eyes, I believe you would see Him right next to you, sharing your tears and holding you close. But He also sees the future. He sees the time when He will wipe away all your tears, and He knows it will be enough. He knows you will be completely satisfied. As a loving parent sympathizes with a toddler’s angst over not getting an ice cream or skinning her knee, so God truly sympathizes with you. But He also knows, like you as a parent do, that tomorrow truly will be wonderful. That’s how we can have hope even while we wrestle with the why questions.
Just Ask
During your journey through the valley of grief, worship may look different from how it looks at other times in your life. Whether you’re spending time with God alone or in corporate settings, worship may look a lot like honesty. Remember that you honor God—you worship Him—when you bring the rawness of your pain and your tough why questions to Him.
Let me close this chapter by simply encouraging you to keep on asking. Direct your questions to God. Go into His presence often. If you’re feeling emotional, let those emotions flow out in His presence. And then stick around a little longer. Allow your soul to become quiet and listen for what He may have to say to you. While the questions will not all be answered in a way that satisfies your intellect, He will answer them in a way that can bring peace to your soul. He will become the answer.
The death of a loved one triggers why questions for most believers. The Bible demonstrates that asking such questions of God is appropriate and can lead to an even deeper relationship with Him going forward. Get all the input from others that you need, but remember to go to Him as the source for your answers.
Returning again and again to what you know about the character of God will help some as you wrestle with your questions. We presently live in a war zone between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness, and you and your loved ones often get wounded in the crossfire. But you can know for certain that the day is coming when death will end and God will make all things right forever. And we will all be able to say, “He has done all things well.”
1. What are some of your why questions? Who are you asking about them? Are you asking God?
2. Set aside perhaps fifteen minutes and write a few emotional-type questions in your journal as a prayer to God. Then ask Him to speak to you as you sit quietly to hear from Him.