The course of true love never did run smooth.
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM
THERE IS NO “pain meter” that can quantify your grief. How others perceive your loss may not correlate very well with the degree of impact your loved one’s death has had on you. Every circumstance is unique. And yet there are circumstances surrounding some deaths that often prolong or complicate the journey through the dark valley of grief.
If your loved one was ill for some time or was quite elderly, you may have experienced anticipatory grief. I experienced that as a result of my husband’s long illness. The questions, the sense of loss, the disorientation and pain are still there. But in such cases it’s possible you may have worked through some aspects of your feelings even before your loved one’s death. Your journey through grief will still be difficult, but it may not be quite as long as it can be for someone whose loved one dies without warning.
When your loved one dies as a result of murder, suicide, natural disaster, accident, medical error, war, or other trauma, you may face extra challenges in your journey. Some experts say some of these circumstances may add an extra year or more to your journey through grief. Your life also may have been complicated in other ways around the time your loved one died, such as with other relationship or financial challenges, work issues, or your own health concerns. Stillbirth, miscarriage, and neonatal death present some unique challenges in the grieving process also.
You may find yourself ruminating over some of these dreadful details as much or more than the actual death of your loved one. No one can tell you how long this journey can, will, or “should” take. If some of these extra circumstances surround the person’s death, know that others have made it through this journey even with such extra trauma, and you can too. Whether or not the specific circumstances have been mentioned here, if additional trauma shrouded your loved one’s death, addressing the following issues may prove especially useful for you.
Recognizing True and False Guilt
Almost everyone going through grief feels some regret. Should you have said or done something different? If you had “stayed longer,” might your loved one not have died? Did you miss warning signs indicating your loved one was in danger? Could you have done anything more or different to prevent the person’s death? Did you do enough to let your loved one know how much he or she meant to you before it was too late? A million similar questions may flood your mind. Feelings of regret are perhaps universal. But if not dealt with, those regrets can develop into a serious burden of guilt.
It’s important to understand that your feelings in this area do not necessarily correlate with reality. Your feelings are real, certainly. But just because you feel guilty about something does not mean you necessarily could or should have done anything differently. Sometimes what you’re feeling is false guilt—an emotional sense of responsibility when you were/are not responsible at all. That feeling can be immobilizing, and if left unaddressed, it can become destructive.
It’s also true that you are a sinful human being. You may know of pain you caused your loved one and now look back with a heavy heart and a load of true guilt. You may find yourself ruminating about less-than-loving things you said or did, or things you failed to do. While it’s likely that most of the guilt you feel is false, it is possible you may feel guilty about harm to your loved one that you truly caused or could have prevented.
Just because you feel guilty about something does not mean you necessarily could or should have done anything differently.
How do you go about handling all this guilt? It helps to consider the significant portion of your emotional burden that may be false guilt. It was not your responsibility to make your loved one comply with medical recommendations or stop drinking or stay away from certain friends. Embrace the reality that God gives each human being free will, and you are not ultimately responsible for your loved one’s thoughts, choices, or behavior. Sometimes there’s truly no one to blame. Tragedy strikes in this sinful, messed-up world, causing us to yearn even more for eternity.
But in practical terms, attributing some of your feelings to “false guilt” is rather intellectual. If you feel stuck here, it may indicate you could benefit from professional help from a pastor or Christian counselor. Thinking through your guilty feelings may help, but it may not be enough to address your entire emotional burden. In the end the only effective way to deal with guilt is to give it to Jesus. You may not even be able to fully sort out where your false guilt ends and true guilt begins. We all have done things that caused others pain or that failed to prevent it. Only Jesus can remove that kind of guilt. His shoulders are the only ones big enough to carry it.
So if you feel burdened with guilt, true or false, hand it over to Jesus. Do this by claiming His promise that “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, MEV). Enter into His presence and turn your regrets, failings, weakness, less-than-loving words and behavior, and everything else over to Him. If you’ve never really done that before, this is a great time to make things right with God. If you have done this in the past, your journey through grief will only be helped by doing this again.
Some may say, “I’ve asked God to forgive me, but I still feel guilty.” First, separate guilt from regrets. Although I loved my husband well, I did so far from perfectly. Looking back, there are clearly things I wish I had done differently. It will almost certainly be the same for you. But as far as the guilt is concerned, step off that merry-go-round. If God says you’re forgiven, who are you to disagree with Him? Choose to accept His forgiveness, repeatedly if necessary, and then choose to move on. Your feelings will eventually catch up.
Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness
Your mind may be searching for someone to blame for your loved one’s death. In the last chapter we talked about wrestling with God and asking Him the why questions. Besides God, there may be people you hold responsible, perhaps rightfully so. You may feel angry at your loved one who didn’t stop smoking or drinking, or follow medical advice, or took her own life. Perhaps the doctor missed the diagnosis until it was too late, or the medical personnel caring for your loved one messed up. Maybe the police didn’t catch the bad guy when they had the chance, or the system let the offender out of jail so he or she was free to kill your loved one. The company, the government, or some other entity put profits ahead of safety, or they didn’t do enough to keep your loved one from obtaining the drugs or gun he used to kill himself. You think that if someone—anyone—had cared a little more at any point along the way, you wouldn’t be experiencing this pain now.
Feeling bitterness and anger at those partially or solely responsible for your loved one’s death is only human, even if the responsible party is your loved one himself. It’s natural to think, “It’s not fair! How could he do this?” But we all are flawed. As the saying goes, to err is human. The health care system, the justice system, the government, the church, the military—they’re all made up of flawed human beings who make mistakes, sometimes out of uncaring or evil hearts and sometimes despite the best of intentions.
And to top it off, there is the matter of evil itself. Tragically there are people in our world who act evil out in destructive and lethal ways. Sometimes first responders or military personnel are killed doing their best to push back evil and bring peace. Sometimes evil people’s actions directly cause innocent deaths, perhaps including that of your loved one. Sometimes human institutions themselves act in evil ways. Evil is real.
When people or institutions are not acting in accordance with laws and decency, it’s right to hold them accountable using any lawful means available, flawed though those means may be. Advocacy is appropriate. Many people who have lost a loved one through someone else’s actions have used their pain to fuel changes in systems that make things better for others. If specific illegal acts caused your loved one’s death, the ones doing those acts should be held accountable in the courts.
But that still doesn’t address the anger in your own heart. Holding on to bitterness will kill you, even if it does so slowly. Dealing with the matter of forgiveness is not primarily for the benefit of others; it’s primarily to help you. It’s the only way to be set free from the darkness enveloping your soul. There are many misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and isn’t, and it’s important to get this right. It’s been said that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That’s not what God wants for you.
Forgiveness does not say everything is OK. It’s not OK! That’s the reason forgiveness is the only way to move forward. Forgiveness does not excuse the person or persons responsible for your loved one’s death. Forgiveness means you give up your right to exact revenge on the one causing you pain and allow God (and appropriate authorities) to determine what kind of pain, if any, those responsible will experience. As Paul said, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘Vengeance is Mine. I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19, NKJV). Forgiveness means you let the person who wronged you “off the hook” in your mind. You let them go.
Forgiveness is a step toward freedom.
You know God asks you to forgive those who hurt you; there are many Scripture passages to verify that. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling; it is something you have to choose. It’s a decision, one you will perhaps have to make repeatedly. You can forgive even if the one you need to forgive refuses to acknowledge his role in your loved one’s death or in your pain, or is even still alive. You may have to forgive your loved one himself. But forgiveness is a step toward freedom.
Please keep in mind that forgiveness does not eliminate all consequences of bad behavior. If a crime was committed, legal consequences may follow. If the persons involved continue their bad behavior, you may not be able to continue a relationship with them. In some cases our human systems cannot provide appropriate consequences, and bad behavior continues anyway. Even if that happens, through forgiveness you can still be free.
So how do you do that? How do you forgive when it feels impossible?
You do so in the same way you’re going through this grief journey: one step at a time. You acknowledge your enormous pain and then decide to move toward forgiveness. This may be because the burden is too heavy to continue to carry or perhaps because your heart hears from God that forgiveness is the next step you need to take.
Whatever the case, you move forward by acknowledging the poison of continuing to hold on to bitterness. And then you lay all that pain and anger down at Jesus’ feet.
If you need to forgive someone, consider praying something like this:
Jesus, I’m hurting so bad right now. I’m so bitter and angry at [whoever harmed you or your loved one]. It’s not fair! It’s not right! I don’t feel like forgiving them at all. But continuing to hold on to this poison in my soul will destroy me. And You have also asked me to forgive. I’m not sure I know how to do that, but I choose to let this go. I choose to allow You to decide what kind of pain they will get for their bad behavior. I choose to not allow their sin to continue to wound me more. I turn this over to You. I accept Your forgiveness where I need it, and I ask for Your grace to forgive. Amen.
While most of the medical care my husband received was exemplary, several bad events during the final twenty-four hours of his life in the intensive care unit left me very hurt and angry. I will never know for sure whether how he was cared for during that time hastened his death. For weeks afterward I would occasionally lie awake at night overwhelmed with tears and bitterness. I talked with the appropriate people in authority about my concerns. I wrote carefully worded letters. I even consulted with a few attorneys. But once these avenues were exhausted, the time came when I had to let it go. For my own mental, physical, and spiritual well-being I had to forgive. I had to let God, the only One who knew the whole truth, handle the consequences.
Hard though it may be, I wish for you the freedom of forgiveness.
Grieving the Additional Losses
The loss of your loved one’s presence is almost always just one of many losses you are experiencing. Each of those losses needs to be grieved in turn.
You may have experienced the death of other loved ones in the past and have never fully explored your feelings and done the appropriate grief work to integrate their memory into the rest of your life. The death of the loved one you are grieving now may open wounds from previous loved ones’ deaths, forcing you to realize that certain hurts have gone unhealed. See your current journey through the dark valley of grief as an opportunity to finish grief work that may be left over from previous loved ones’ deaths. Multiple losses piled on you close together may mean your grief journey will take longer, and that’s OK.
It’s important to take the time to notice and grieve the other losses surrounding your loved one’s death. Some of these losses will need only a brief acknowledgment; others may be as or more significant than the physical death of your loved one. You may have lost the intimacy of a marriage partner, the focus of caring for a loved one who was ill, the confidence that comes from a parent or sibling supporting your dreams, the financial support your loved one provided, or a certain social position because of your relationship with your loved one. Or perhaps you are having to leave the home you shared with your loved one. Or maybe because of the transitions in your life you will be unable to continue to enjoy the companionship of a beloved pet. Each one of these losses demands to be honored and grieved. For some of them you will want to do focused work to remember and grieve what was and then carry that memory forward with you in some meaningful way.
Challenges to the Grieving Process
No book can address every possible complication surrounding grief, but hopefully you will find some helpful comments here. These are some of the circumstances that can make your journey through the dark valley of grief even more challenging.
No body
“Missing” or “presumed dead” are some of the most painful words any family member can hear. I’m not sure there’s ever any such thing as closure, but without your loved one’s body, your grief has no place to land. You have mountains of unanswered questions. Among them are: How long do I keep hoping for a different outcome? Will I ever know what happened? Is my loved one still out there somewhere? The unanswered questions may leave you frustrated and angry with the authorities responsible for investigating the circumstances.
As with those who have laid their loved one to rest, you will almost certainly carry the questions and loss more acutely and much longer than others around you. Family, friends, and others may come around you initially, but then go about their lives while you’re left with the questions and the pain. You’re left in limbo, a no-man’s-land. You may not even be sure if this is a valley of grief you’re trapped in or something else.
Even without a body to lay to rest, you can still create a memorial, a way to remember your loved one. Whether you create a scrapbook, plant a tree, or make something from items that belonged to your loved one, doing something to remember and honor your relationship with your loved one can be helpful. And don’t forget to stay connected with others during your journey. Ask about military family’s groups, victim’s groups, survivor’s groups, or other appropriate groups in your area or online where you can connect with others who are facing similar circumstances.
Grieving with children
Children grieve too, even though their grief is likely to look different from yours. If you are the parent or caretaker of a child who lost a parent, sibling, or other person close to them, be alert to the ways your child is processing his or her grief. Many children will grieve intermittently; they will feel and express strong emotions one moment, and then take a break with laughter and play the next. Allow your child to be a child. It’s normal for your child’s school grades, appetite, and energy level to change. Allow your child the same grace you want others to allow you during the grieving process. It can be helpful to clarify family roles, especially when a parent has died. For example, don’t give the message verbally or nonverbally that a male child must now be “the man of the house.”
Children, especially young children, usually see the world as revolving around them. That means they may have unique beliefs about your loved one’s death that you need to watch for and lovingly correct. A young child may believe his own harsh words, angry thoughts, or disobedience caused his parent’s or sibling’s death, or that your loved one “left” because she was angry with the child. Children may worry that you will “leave” too or that they will die themselves. Lovingly and persistently talk about these beliefs in an age-appropriate way, and correct wrong thinking when necessary. Look for opportunities to talk about your loved one in ways meaningful to the child. Help the child remember your loved one in healthy ways. Be authentic. Model for your child that it’s OK to cry, be sad, and talk about your loved one.
If your child’s behavior becomes erratic or out of character, a skilled professional may be helpful. Don’t feel as though you are a failure as a parent if your child needs this kind of assistance. Helping your child through grief can feel overwhelming as you are walking your own journey through the dark valley. Your child needs you, but be sure to seek and accept help from others and from God along the way.
Miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death
Mothers and fathers who were looking forward to welcoming a new life into their family, only to have that life end before or as soon as it began, face a special kind of grief. There’s something uniquely tragic when the beginning of life and the end of life are juxtaposed so closely. In my medical work I’ve talked with parents who struggle with enormous guilt at such times; almost always that’s false guilt. You may feel like a horrible failure, ashamed that you were unable to bring a healthy child into the world. You may feel your body has betrayed you. Sometimes you may feel angry at medical personnel involved in your care.
Your family and friends may or may not have known you were expecting a baby. Regardless, you feel this loss much more than those around you. That’s OK. No future child can replace the one you lost; that baby will forever be in your heart. Our culture often doesn’t provide the same rituals to honor infants, especially if you lost your baby early in pregnancy, as it does for other people who died, and that’s unfortunate.
You may find it helpful to do something yourself to remember and honor your baby. How important this is to you will partially depend on how attached you felt to your baby and at what stage in pregnancy your child was lost. But if you are feeling grief, it’s healthy and right to do something to honor your child. Plant a tree, create a scrapbook, or make a memory box of items with which to remember your child. You may also find encouragement and support by connecting with an organization such as Compassionate Friends or one of the many other support groups for parents who have lost a child.
And remember that God holds every life carefully in His hands. He grieves with you, even if other human beings do not. Are those lives lost in miscarriage or stillbirth “present with the Lord”? I have no biblical proof text to offer, but I believe the answer is yes. You have a precious and unique reason to look forward to heaven.
Death by suicide
Suicide carries a heavy stigma in our culture. Suicide rates have increased notably, up 30 percent or more in over half of US states since 1999.1 If this is how your loved one died, the why questions you’re facing are especially painful. Appreciating something of the pain that led your loved one to act in this way will not prevent your own tangled feelings. You may mentally blame the person who committed suicide, or others, for your pain now. You may deeply wrestle with shame, self-doubt, and concern about your loved one’s eternity. Your regrets may feel like insurmountable mountains.
Your loved one’s suicide was not about you. Please hear that. There’s not one human being who has not failed his or her family in some way, including you. But your loved one died because he was in pain, not because of any failure on your part. Could you have prevented the person’s death? Probably not. But even if you could have, your loved one’s death was not about you. If you are wrestling with guilt about this, read the earlier sections in this chapter about guilt and forgiveness. Lay everything surrounding your loved one’s death on Jesus; this burden is too big for you to carry on your own. His shoulders are the only ones big enough to handle the load. Each time you feel the heaviness threatening to overwhelm you, place it on Him again.
Is suicide the unpardonable sin? Absolutely not. Is it a sin? In one sense yes; God does not intend for human beings to take their own lives. But in a larger sense God knows what we don’t know, including your loved one’s pain. How much did your loved one truly know about the life God has available? What circumstances may have clouded her ability to hear and respond to God? And what may have happened in the last milliseconds of her life on this earth? Did she cry out to God in those moments?
Remember, God is not willing that any human being should perish. He wants your loved one with Him in heaven, and whether he or she committed suicide is not the primary factor that will decide where that person spends eternity. God understands all the many elements of your loved one’s painful life. He loves each of us, including your loved one, infinitely more than we can imagine. You and I can be grateful that He knows everything and that He is in charge. You can safely trust Him with your loved one’s destiny.
The death of a loved one is complicated, and some circumstances add even more complications to your journey through grief. If your loved one died as a result of trauma, homicide, suicide, accident, negligence, or miscarriage or stillbirth, your grief is likely to carry extra challenges.
Regrets are almost universal among those who are grieving, and that commonly involves guilt. It’s helpful to separate true guilt from false guilt—feeling responsible for things beyond your control. But the best way to handle all guilt, especially true guilt, is to give it to Jesus.
Forgiving those who may have been instrumental in your loved one’s death may be one of your biggest challenges. You do that by choosing to let God determine what consequences the person(s) involved will receive. It’s the only way to eliminate the darkness from your soul, and it will set you free.
TWO STEPS FORWARD
1. Are you holding on to bitterness in your soul? Is there someone you need to forgive? Ask God to help you take the next step toward forgiveness.
2. Take time to write in your journal about the multiple losses you suffered as a result of your loved one’s death. Do you need to grieve some of these additional losses?