The holiest of holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.
—HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW, “HOLIDAYS”
AN ITEM IN the grocery store. An unexpected fragrance. The sight of someone with a certain body shape or hairstyle. A date on the calendar. A song on the radio. A line in a book or phrase in a sermon. Ambushes of grief can catch you at the most uncomfortable times. You may anticipate some of the triggers that set off an ambush while many others may surprise you.
As you continue to walk through the dark valley of grief, you will begin to find a new normal. Your life will begin to follow a new routine. Things will never be as they were when your loved one was alive, but your disorientation will decrease. Through your grief work and your trust in God, one day follows another and life begins to feel a little less overwhelming. You don’t quite feel like you’re drowning anymore, and you can take a breath again.
And then an ambush hits. An area of your pain you thought was dealt with will suddenly feel nearly as fresh as it was the first day. The anger, sadness, fear, confusion, hopelessness, etc. will wash over you, making you wonder if you’ve made any progress at all.
Yes, friend, you have made progress. Ambushes of grief are normal, and they don’t mean you have been marching in place. Everyone who goes through grief experiences moments when thoughts and feelings about their loved one seem to take over their mind and body without warning. It’s simply one more demonstration of how important your loved one was to you and of how large a place they occupied, and still occupy, in your mind and heart. Over time the ambushes of grief are likely to become less intense and perhaps less frequent, but they are likely to be part of your experience for a very long time.
Being aware of how ambushes of grief work can help you be better prepared when they strike and move through them more effectively.
Triggers
Countless sensory stimuli are connected with memories of your loved one. That’s part of what made your life together as rich and complicated as it was. The circuits in your brain are physically laid down to connect certain sights, sounds, smells, touches, times, etc. with thoughts of your loved one. Think of those circuits in your mind as a highway where all the things you shared with your loved one—the memories, moments, objects, experiences, places, and more—all flow together.
Triggers can function like on-ramps to that highway in your mind. Sometimes the smallest thing can enter that on-ramp, and you’re suddenly caught up in the speeding traffic of emotions. A torrent of thoughts and feelings associated with your loved one and their loss washes over you.
Some of those triggers you may identify relatively easily. You may smell a fragrance your spouse wore, hear a song your child used to sing, or drive past the hospital where your loved one received care. You may see a child the same age your child was when she died or would be now, or you catch sight of a couple enjoying an activity you used to enjoy with your spouse. You may come across an item of your loved one’s that you had forgotten. At those moments you may find yourself tearing up or feeling irritable or overwhelmed in an instant.
Other triggers may be initially less obvious. You may experience something you would normally have shared with your loved one, such as a beautiful sunrise or a meaningful scripture. You hear or read something that in some way reminds you that your loved one is no longer physically with you. You may face a decision or a life challenge that you would have normally sought your loved one’s help with, or you may simply feel tired or concerned. Something about that moment has triggered the memories and loss associated with your loved one, and the feelings wash over you.
Whatever the trigger, an ambush of grief is not something you can necessarily prevent. Once you determine what the triggers are, some part of you may wish to avoid those situations in order to not feel the waves of pain again, but doing so is often neither healthy nor completely possible. Sure, there may be certain things you avoid or don’t enjoy any longer because of how they remind you of your loved one. But ambushes will still come. And they can become a useful part of continuing your grief work and walking further through this dark valley and toward the other side.
Dealing with ambushes of grief
When you find yourself ambushed by grief and speeding down that highway of thoughts and feelings in your mind, there are some things you can do to make it through the moment more effectively. Remember that feelings come in waves. The tears, confusion, anger, angst, or whatever emotions are flooding your mind will rise to a peak, and then they will lessen in intensity. When possible, pause and let the wave wash over you. Think of it as a reminder of how important your loved one was in your life.
The ambush may also alert you to some area of your grief work that still needs to be addressed, especially when the ambush feels overwhelming. After a difficult ambush of grief you may want to journal about it, and ask yourself and God what this may mean for your journey. Perhaps you need to spend some time with God addressing areas of guilt or forgiveness. Perhaps there are some additional steps you need to take to honor and remember your loved one. Perhaps there are some memories or feelings you need to explore further.
You may also find it helpful to plan in advance some things you will do when you feel an ambush of grief wash over you. Perhaps there is a friend or family member you will reach out to for support. You may choose to pause and speak to your loved one as though he or she was there, for your own benefit. Sometimes I will simply pause, look at my husband’s picture, and say, “I miss you, honey!” If you’re with people, you may choose to excuse yourself for a few moments, get alone, and cry briefly. I encourage you to include reaching out to God at those moments. Send up a prayer; “Jesus, this is hard. I need You right now!”
Ambushes of grief are an expected part of the journey. Choose to embrace them as valuable.
Over time the ambushes of grief may actually become precious to you. While they are likely to become less disruptive over time, their occurrence will continue to remind you of your loved one. It’s one more way of keeping your loved one’s memory alive in your heart. And that’s a good thing. Ambushes of grief are an expected part of the journey. Choose to embrace them as valuable.
Dealing With Special Dates
Certain dates may be especially challenging emotionally and may trigger intense ambushes of grief. It’s common for these dates to include birthdays (your loved one’s, yours, or another family member’s), anniversaries of your loved one’s death, anniversaries of your marriage, or other important moments you shared. Times when your family members gather to celebrate a holiday or family event can remind you of your loss. Holidays of any kind can be difficult and intense.
The holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year’s is especially difficult for many who are grieving. You likely shared many holidays with your loved one and have memories from those times. Families often gather during this season, and a gathering without your loved one may seem terribly painful. The “first Christmas without . . . ” is often dreaded. Many of your usual holiday traditions may seem too painful to engage in.
Many people experience holiday blues, and your grief may add more negative feelings to an already challenging time. The holidays frequently bring high expectations. Cultural messages often portray families gathering together around the holidays. The music, decorations, events, and expected gift-giving can add to the sensory overload, painful memories, and even depression. Some of those going through grief wish the calendar would magically skip from late November into early January.
Here are some suggestions for how you can make it through these special dates with less pain and more meaning even while walking through grief.
Care for your physical health.
Your emotions are much more volatile and harder to control when your physical body is not doing well. Especially during the first year or two after your loss, as special holidays or anniversaries come, you may need to return to some of the important ways you took care of yourself physically in the initial weeks after your loved one’s death. That means remembering DEER: drink, eat, exercise, and rest.
Excessive and less-than-healthy food and drink, including alcohol, are often easily available at holiday events or family gatherings. While you may be tempted to indulge as a way to lessen your emotional turmoil, doing so will only add regret to your ambushes of grief. Choosing healthier options and smaller portions will help your brain manage your emotions more effectively.
If you’re feeling upset, taking a nap or a walk may be a healthy option for both your body and mind. If you find yourself struggling with sleep during some of these periods, go back to the elements you found most helpful in dealing with sleep loss early on. (See chapter 3.) Make intentional choices about what to focus on as you prepare for sleep. Keep your sleep schedule as regular as reasonably possible.
Choose what to say yes to.
You don’t have to attend every family gathering or holiday event. You don’t have to continue every holiday tradition you and your loved one enjoyed. You don’t have to spend time with everyone who invites you. You get to choose what to say yes to and what to say no to. Your energy and interest in holiday and family gatherings and events is likely to be different from how it was in the past with your loved one.
But don’t automatically say no to everything and everyone. Don’t isolate during the times when your loved one’s memory is triggered most. As in the initial days of your grief, it can be important and healthy to spend some time alone to remember your loved one and care for your own heart. It is also important to connect with other people in meaningful ways during these times. Caring relatives and people in your church family can help provide distraction, support, and encouragement. And who knows? They may even help you experience moments of joy.
Some of your previous traditions you will want to continue. Doing so can be a way you remember and honor your loved one and continue to feel some connection with the person. But also choose to make some new memories around the holidays. Perhaps that means choosing some new decorations for your home, attending a new holiday church service, or volunteering in a way you had not previously.
Don’t expect the holiday season to be easy. Knowing this in advance can help you determine who you will spend time with, when you will be alone, which traditions to continue, and what new memories you will make. Holidays only occur yearly, and the very fact that they are infrequent means you have fewer opportunities to experience the emotions connected with them. Use that to your advantage, especially in the first year or two. Say no to some of your usual responsibilities if you need to, and give yourself some extra time and grace to make it through the holiday season. This is just one more part of walking through the dark valley of grief.
Christmas was my husband’s favorite holiday. Enjoying the Christmas tree and spending time with children and grandchildren was the highlight of the year for him. The first Christmas after his death was terribly hard for me. Putting up a Christmas tree felt emotionally overwhelming, so I didn’t have one that year. The next year I wanted a Christmas tree again, and putting one up in my home was meaningful. It felt like I was in some way celebrating with Al again.
Remember that you get to choose. Don’t ignore the holiday or anniversary, but you get to choose what old traditions or new memories to include.
Look beyond yourself.
Even while grieving, it’s valuable to look beyond yourself. Grief is an intensely private emotion for most people, and during the journey through grief you’re probably spending a lot of your energy looking inward, focusing on your own feelings. You need to do that to make progress on your journey, but focusing on yourself exclusively becomes depressing and unhealthy. Periodically raising your eyes from your own troubles and seeing those around you can be powerful mental and spiritual medicine.
The holiday season can be a valuable time to do this. If you have other family members, stretch yourself and help make the season special for them in some way. You may find it helpful to volunteer for some cause you or your loved one found meaningful—at your church, a hospital, a homeless shelter, an animal rescue organization, the Salvation Army, etc. Opportunities to volunteer abound during the holiday season. The idea is not to wear yourself out with work but to intentionally take your eyes off yourself and invest time in someone else, even if it’s only briefly. Doing so will help you understand that you still have something to offer, that there are other people in need whom you can bless. It may be one of the first ways you experience moments of feeling good again after your loved one’s death.
Honor your loved one’s memory.
Special dates can provide important opportunities to honor your loved one’s memory. You may choose to visit your loved one’s resting place and leave something there. I visit Al’s grave on Easter and sing resurrection hymns; it honors his memory and at the same time, it reminds me that cemeteries are only temporary housing. If you created a scrapbook or video to remember your loved one, you may wish to look at that again on birthdays or important anniversaries. You may want to write your loved one a letter again or journal about your memories of your time together.
Know too that you are likely to feel your loved one’s loss much more acutely around these special dates than others around you do. Some friends or family who were important to your loved one may even forget about that special day. Don’t take that personally. If a date is difficult for you and brings up an ambush of grief, it may be helpful to let a few people close to you know how you are struggling and ask for their support.
Take action if you get stuck in an ambush.
Most of the time an ambush of grief is like a wave; it rises in intensity and then lessens. Sometimes, however, a trigger or date will leave you stuck on that highway of overwhelming thoughts and feelings in your mind. If you find yourself stuck in an ambush, take some action. You don’t have to drown.
You can revisit the healthy grieving steps discussed in chapters 3 and 4. Call a friend and ask to just talk. Write in your journal. Take a walk. Get a good night’s sleep if possible. Spend some time reading Scripture passages that are meaningful. Get alone with God and pour out your heart to Him, and then stay there a little while and listen. You can get through this.
If you have thoughts of harming yourself, it’s an emergency. Reach out for help right away. Call a family member, your pastor, someone in your grief group, your local crisis hotline, or your doctor. If you can’t think of anyone else, just call 911. You don’t have to do this alone.
Your loved one was an important part of your life. Countless experiences will remind you of the person and can function like a ramp onto the highway of innumerable thoughts and memories in your mind. The ambush of grief can feel overwhelming, but it is usually temporary. Planning what to do when you feel ambushed by grief can help you move through those moments more effectively.
Important dates can be especially challenging for many going through grief. You don’t have to say yes to everything; choose what old traditions to continue and what new memories to make. Lift your eyes from your own challenges and be a blessing to someone else, even if it’s only for a brief moment. Finally, finding a special way to honor your loved one on special dates can be an important way to move forward on your journey through grief.
TWO STEPS FORWARD
1. How do you feel in body and mind when you experience an ambush of grief? Think of some things you can do next time you feel an ambush to move through the moment more effectively.
2. Are there any upcoming dates you are dreading? How can you plan ahead to make it through the day more meaningfully?