Daughters Are a Little Weird (And Even When They’re Not Weird, They’re a Little Strange)
The quote “Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus” is right on the mark, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground as dad and daughter.
I hate to admit this in public, because it’s a little embarrassing to a manly man, but I can think like a woman. I can get behind a woman’s eyes and feel her emotions. It’s probably because I’ve been surrounded by seven women the majority of my life—my mother, my sister, my wife, and my four daughters—and how they think and feel has rubbed off on me. Dad, trust me on this: your daughter sees life completely different than you do. That’s why you need to read this book, so you can enter your daughter’s world in an informed way and make the kind of imprint only you can make on her life. There are certain things that are very different about bringing up girls compared to bringing up boys.
Did you know that Venus and Uranus are the only two planets in our solar system that rotate clockwise? But Venus’s rotation was actually stopped, probably by an impact, and then reversed, whereas Uranus was only knocked over on its side and continues to spin in the same direction it did when it was formed. So when author John Gray said women were from Venus—which also happens to be the hottest planet in our solar system—perhaps he was hinting that female creatures, in general, not only rotate in a different direction than male creatures, but edge more toward the emotional side.
I learned a very important lesson: You don’t talk to girls the way you talk to boys.
For instance, when I coached girls’ middle school basketball, I learned a very important lesson: You don’t talk to girls the way you talk to boys. If you do, they’ll cry. In fact, if you surprise them and yell at them quickly, they might just run to the locker room.
That can be extremely inconvenient in the middle of a basketball game, especially when you touch the emotional hot button of your starting center. Now she’s in the shower area crying her eyes out.
Worse than that, what if two of her teammates saw her run to the locker room, and they have to go and comfort her? So, in the middle of a sixty-second timeout, three of your players are in the locker room—the crier and the support team. The whistle blows, and your team is short, all because of a short conversation you had with the starting center. She had been wailing about what another girl did to her, and you simply said, “What am I? Your mother?”
Evidently it was the wrong thing to say.
I learned my lesson.
Dads, your daughters are not like you emotionally, and the faster you learn that, the better for both of you. I’ve been navigating my four daughters’ emotions for forty-two years, as well as my wife’s.
I don’t know any men who say, “I love it when my daughter cries, or when my wife cries.” Most men don’t know what to do when the tears start flowing.
Well, men, I’m going to save you some of the crying jags and the helplessness you feel when that happens by showing you how to approach your daughter—with your manliness still intact. After all, every daughter needs a good, healthy dose of masculinity in her life, and you’re the best one to convey that. The bonus is that the same principles work with the other women in your family too.
To be the best dad to your daughter, you don’t have to surrender your masculinity.
To be the best dad to your daughter, you don’t have to surrender your masculinity. You don’t have to watch HGTV, Project Runway, or the Food Network. You don’t have to eat quiche or TiVo The View.
You can apply these principles and go on being the predictable guy you are. The man who can wear the same shirt for a couple of days with no problem. The guy who knows what he wants for breakfast four days (or four weeks) before it happens. The man whose life is complete if he’s the reigning champion in his fantasy football league and his wife lets him watch ESPN. We’re merely going to tweak you a bit so you can capably navigate the sometimes dangerous female waters on the home front.
Like the time when you’re talking with your fifteen-year-old daughter about the cost of her dress for an upcoming gala. You’re a little stressed by the $400 price tag, and you make a simple, straightforward comment. You’re bamboozled by your daughter’s fury in response.
She glares at you and yells, “You don’t get it. You’ll never get it. You’ll never understand!” Then she bolts up the stairs, into her bedroom, and slams the door.
Even worse, she yells on the way, “M-o-o-om, Dad just . . .” and Mama Bear whips around the corner angrily to see what you did to Baby Cub.
In addition, Wifey gives you that “look” every married man fears more than a visit by the IRS.
Now you’re in major trouble with two of the female population in your house.
Yet all you said was, “Couldn’t we at least look around at some other places?” It seemed like a logical question to ask—after all, that dress costs more than your first car. So where did you go wrong?
Ah, yes, the feminine mind will take some time to get used to, Dad, but you’re a smart guy. If you’re forearmed with the right tools, and forewarned with the right knowledge, you’ll be fine.
You already know your daughter is occasionally weird. She’s that way when she’s young, and she’ll still be that way when she’s old. To quote Mrs. Uppington, one of my pet names for my wonderful, classy bride, “The eleven-year-old female is the strangest creature on the planet.” One day your daughter loves something passionately; the next day she hates it. You, Dad, have to be the steadying force.
Whether male or female, there’s something in this book for you.
Whether male or female, there’s something in this book for you. But primarily, this is for dads, because deep down inside, we all want to be the best dads to our daughters that we can be.
If you’re a male and not a dad yet, then good for you that you’re reading this book and doing your research early. When I was seventeen and sitting in English class, I vowed to myself, Someday, when I figure out how to do life, I’m going to be a father . . . and a good one. You see, being a good dad was important to me, since I didn’t have much of a relationship with my father, who tipped back far too many brewskis, until later in life. But I had a very close relationship with my mom, who was a saint walking this earth. Later in this book, you’ll see why the cross-gender relationships are the most important in forming a child’s character and perspective on life. That’s why your relationship with your daughter is so paramount.
I decided early on in life that I wanted to be a different kind of father with my own children. Ask any one of them, and they’ll tell you I have been, as much as humanly possible. So whether you want to do early research for when you become a daddy someday, you and your wife currently have a bun in the oven and you want to be prepared, or you’re already in the trenches of the daddy-daughter relationship and want to fine-tune it or get it on the right track, this book is for you.
Moms, this book is also for you. If you’re married, there’s nothing that makes a woman melt more than seeing her husband be a good daddy—a loving, steady, protective male figure in her daughter’s life. But sometimes you don’t know how to go about getting that result in your husband. Nagging doesn’t work. It only shuts us men down.
That man you live with is very different from you. He thinks differently and acts differently, yet you know instinctively his role is huge in your daughter’s life, and that she desperately wants to please him. But that husband you love isn’t always the most sensitive person in the world, doesn’t always understand your daughter, and can sometimes be too rough, harsh, or close-minded. Sometimes he even comes across like he’s the king and everybody around him ought to serve him. In Be the Dad She Needs You to Be I’ll reveal a few tricks of the trade for getting the results you long for—a husband who would take a bullet for you and one who will make a real difference in your daughter’s life. We men—it’s not that we don’t want to try and do better; it’s that we’re often clueless about relationships. However, with some gentle nudging from you—the woman we value most to be in our corner—and a few attaboys for our successes, we can get headed in the right direction mighty fast. We simply need your relational wisdom to get us moving along.
If you’re a single mom, you might be feeling guilty for not having that daddy influence in your daughter’s life—whether part-time, full-time, or at all. There’s wonderful grist for the mill in this book for you, too, for the relationships you’re maneuvering through now and the ones you will be navigating in the future.
For you daughters of all ages, this book is also for you. Some of you have experienced a very close relationship with your father, and the benefits of that are revealed in your life now. Others of you are the by-products of divorce, feeling caught between Mom and Dad.
Still others of you have endured a rocky relationship with your dad, who wasn’t physically or emotionally available to you. He wasn’t the understanding, caring, and loving father you dreamed of. He may have been distant, hurtful, or even abusive. You might be estranged from your dad at this point—not even talking. Perhaps you couldn’t tell me where he’s living right now. Or you might have established a “simply tolerate each other” relationship, where you placate him, talk only on the surface of things, and avoid other topics. You don’t have a deep relationship, because there are problems in your past relationship. Yet, even though you can’t explain it, at your heart, you desire more than anything to have a daddy-daughter connection. That’s because the daddy-daughter relationship defines who you feel you are at your heart and how valued you feel in this world. I’ll walk you through the reasons for that in this book.
I’ve been a part of watching multitudes of daddies and daughters who were estranged from each other come together, make amends, and enjoy the time they have left on this earth. In fact, there’s nothing more satisfying for a guy like me who works with people behind closed doors than to see those kinds of magical transformations take place.
They can happen for you too.