Help! Civil War Just Broke Out in the Family Room
What to do when the females in your house are at war and you’re waving the truce flag.
When I was young, we used to play a game called “Pickle in the Middle.” Two or more players had to pass a ball to each other—if there were more players, they stood in a circle—while the player in the middle tried to intercept it. Being the guy in the middle was a tough place to be, since the other players were trying hard to exclude you. And if you’re the youngest child in your family, like me, you have vivid memories of riding in the back or middle seat of the car. To this day, I hate being sandwiched in the middle seat of an airplane. You’ll always find me in the first row or one back, in an aisle seat.
There’s nothing more miserable than being a dad caught in the middle between two females in your family, with the warfare turning your home into chaos. You’d take a bullet for either of them, but now you’re asked to choose. The result is a big mess that oozes everywhere, like a steadily spreading oil slick.
If you have daughters, you already know the definition of catfight and also that World War III can occur if one of them wears the other’s clothing. Well, as a dad, I got sick of the bickering:
“You left my sweater in a heap.”
“You didn’t hang up my skirt.”
“There’s a dirty spot on it.”
“Dad! She . . .”
“Mom! She . . .”
Whoever invented the word catfight must have had sisters or daughters.
So I decided to be king and issue a royal edict. “You are not wearing each other’s clothes—ever.”
It was hard for them to have any comeback with such a straightforward statement. And that’s one thing we dads are good at, let me tell you.
Anytime you take a stand, you will get your daughters’ attention. When they are fighting, they know exactly what they’re doing. They’ve played this game before, and their antics are designed to draw you, Dad, into their battles. But here are my top tips to handling these squabbles and keeping your manliness intact.
Tip #1: Don’t Walk into Those Traps
Fighting is an act of cooperation. It takes two to tango, and your daughters are really good at it. In fact, they’re masters at fighting with each other and manipulating you.
When boys have problems, they’ll shout it out and wrestle, and the issue will be resolved swiftly. It’s a well-known fact that boys don’t use as many words as girls do. Girls can go after each other verbally for a very long time. Whoever invented the word catfight must have had sisters or daughters.
Tip #2: Express Your Fatherly Disapproval for Events That Happen Continuously
Say, “You know, this is getting a little old.” You point each daughter to her room, or separate rooms if they share a bedroom. “I think both of you need time to think about this. For the record, Mom and I really don’t appreciate hearing the bickering. In fact, I’m pretty disappointed in what’s going on in this house right now.”
Jared, who had always been a permissive dad, was so tired of his three stair-step daughters fighting that he finally said to them one night, “I’ve been sitting here trying to watch TV, but the whole time I’ve been distracted by the three of you and the disgusting way you talk to each other. You guys are old enough to figure this out once and for all. So I’m giving you five minutes to go out of this room and settle it peacefully without screaming and name-calling. Here’s my promise to you: If you don’t solve it in the next five minutes, I’ll solve it for you. And if I solve it for you, I can guarantee none of you will like it.”
Silence descended upon that living room. Because Jared had always been a pushover dad who let his wife handle things, his daughters weren’t sure whether to take him seriously or not. Five minutes later, when the name-calling continued, Jared solved the problem. He was right. None of the girls liked it . . . especially when they saw he was serious and his decision removed all social networking devices from his home for a month—an eternity for three adolescent girls.
But after that, Jared was able to watch his program in silence, and his three girls became much more respectful of one another and their dad. All it took was a few well-delivered words in a steady tone by the father to make a difference.
Because the cross-gender relationship between daddy and daughter is so important, it makes a huge impact when you express that you’re not a happy camper. Even if your daughters don’t seem to be paying attention, believe me, they are.
Tip #3: Stand Firm on the Fact That Nothing Happens Until the Fight Is Resolved
That means one daughter doesn’t go to her basketball game; the other doesn’t go to a friend’s house. They work the issue out first. When the fight doesn’t gain either of them anything and it puts a crimp in their plans, they won’t be tempted to continue it . . . and they’ll think a little harder about the consequences before they start the next fight.
Tip #4: Butt Out
Leave the two fighters alone to solve the problem. It’s amazing how swiftly and creatively problems can get resolved when there isn’t an audience.
More than anything, your daughters want to please you. That’s their inner motivation. When they know you’re not happy and that they’re causing your unhappiness, you’re in the driver’s seat to see change happen—for the good.
Stuck in the Middle?
• Be pragmatic and unemotional.
• Use only a few words.
• Deliver a to-the-point message.
Dads who remember these things when in the heat of battle between females will come out feeling good about themselves.
When Mama and Daughter Are Going at It
When the females in your house are waging war, what happens next has everything to do with how you respond.
If you’re a hothead and you fly off the handle, saying things such as, “Would you two cut it out? I’m sick of hearing it” and “Stop it. Stop it right now. You two are acting like idiots,” you’re just pushing the warfare tactics to a higher level. But if you have a calm demeanor in the midst of battle, you can be an emotionally settling force in your family.
There’s some important information you need to know first, and it’s about Mama. Mama Bear is most likely to knock heads with the daughter who is most like her. So if you’ve ever mumbled to yourself (out of your wife’s hearing, of course), “These two deserve each other,” you’re spot on. But like a dad can be a good teacher to a daughter, he can also be a great teacher to a wife.
Listen carefully, though. You never do this in front of a daughter. You always do it behind closed doors, where only you and your wife are involved in the conversation.
You might say something like this: “Honey, you’re the queen of relationships, and far be it from me to even suggest you do things differently. But it seems to me that this whole thing—the big hassle we’ve had in our home—started when you greeted Little Missy at breakfast with not a hello or a good morning but a ‘Have you cleaned the bathroom yet?’ I know as a man that I hate it when people ask me questions. I think maybe things got off on the wrong foot this morning and sort of spiraled down . . .”
This is where you, Dad, need to be the pragmatic one in the family. Don’t get dragged into the fight. Stay out of it emotionally.
Even when your wife snips back with, “If you’re asking me to apologize, I’m not going to,” you stay steady.
You say calmly, “You do what you think is best. But if you do come to that decision at some point, I think you’d be showing her how big of a person you can really be.” Then extend the olive branch to your wife and say something like, “How do you feel right now? Good about your relationship with her?”
Most women will then calm down and say, “Well, no, I don’t.”
Then gently add, “I’m not the relationship expert you are, and I could be wrong, but I think you need to own up to your part of it.” You might even want to add a little bit of humor: “Maybe part of the problem is that you’re both wired pretty similarly.”
But when push comes to shove, and your manhood and everything else is at stake, if you have to choose between your girls, you’d better run with Mama.
I’ve never met a wife who told me, “I’m so thankful that I’m number two in my husband’s heart, and his children are number one.”
Your first priority has to be your wife—for your sake, her sake, and your daughter’s sake.
No Longer Ground Zero in My House
My wife and first daughter have always had a difficult relationship. I first saw it when Kendra was three, and I came home and found them glaring into each other’s faces. Neither would move; neither was willing to give in. When Kendra turned thirteen, the yelling got so bad between them that several times after arriving home from work, I got back in the car and drove back to work. I know that sounds terrible, but I was sick of all the drama. One of those nights a coworker found me slumped over my desk with my head in my hands and asked me what was up. When I explained, he smiled knowingly.
“Sounds like my house before we all read a book,” he said.
That book was The Birth Order Book, and he let me borrow the copy he had in his desk. I sat at work that night and read the entire thing in one sitting. I finally realized why my wife and first daughter fought so much—they were both firstborns and determined to win. Neither ever backed down. I was a middle-born and tired of playing peacemaker between them.
I got home at eleven o’clock that night, and all was quiet. My wife and daughter were both asleep. I asked my boss the next day if I could have a longer than usual lunch hour and surprised my wife by taking her out to lunch at her favorite restaurant. We had a long discussion, based on parts of The Birth Order Book that I had flagged. I never once mentioned that I was doing it because I was sick of having Ground Zero in my house. My wife was so intrigued, she wanted to keep the book. By that night, she’d read the whole book cover to cover too.
“You know, Kendra might be interested in this too,” she said. “Since we’re not doing so well together, she probably wouldn’t read it if I asked her. But if you asked her . . .”
So we agreed that I’d surprise Kendra by picking her up after school and taking her out to her favorite restaurant for an early dinner the next night. I had a similar conversation with her. She, too, was intrigued by what The Birth Order Book was saying. She started talking about how it would help her understand her friends at school.
“Oh, by the way, Dad,” she said, “my friends cancelled on our Friday night movie. Maybe we could get some pizza and talk more about this?”
I quietly arranged for our other two younger children to be away that night during our discussion. I didn’t want them in our house if Ground Zero hit again.
My wife, daughter, and I were talking about birth order as we munched pizza when, all of a sudden, my daughter smacked the table.
“So that’s why!” she exclaimed. “I’m a firstborn. Mom’s a firstborn. And it says right here that firstborns are groomed to win, no matter what it costs them in relationships. That’s why we fight all the time . . .” She sneaked a glance at her mom. “Uh, sorry, Mom.”
My wife’s jaw dropped. She, too, realized what was going on.
Since that night, life hasn’t always been smooth between the two of them. But our discussions that week were a distinct turning point in their relationship. Now about 95 percent of the time they give each other grace. The other 5 percent of the time they’re learning to say, “I’m sorry.” My younger son even said, “Wow, Dad, what did you do? Wave a magic wand or something? Mom and Kendra don’t fuss anymore.”
Well, that magic wand for our family was The Birth Order Book. Since then, we’ve all read a bunch more of your books, and they’ve helped us in lots of ways. Keep writing them! You’ve made a huge difference in our family.
—Matt, Connecticut
How Natural Changes Increase Competition
How your wife was raised by her father and her birth order in the family has everything to do with how she sees your daughter and you. What was your wife’s relationship like with her dad? Warm? Affirming? Or did she always feel inferior? Was she treated distantly or like a princess?
If her father was critical (the subject of the next chapter), then she has told herself lies her entire life about how she’s never good enough. She may look like she’s doing great in life on the outside, but something inside clobbers her on the head even when she excels.
You may have married “Daddy’s little princess,” for whom the thinking that she can get whatever she wants is ingrained. She may use tears, feigned illnesses, or even tantrums to get her way, but she always does.
Did she have to do something big to be noticed? Maybe she was the rebel, who got her kicks out of disappointing her daddy . . . or the saint who was “perfect” because she didn’t dare cross him.
If your wife is comfortable around men, that means she grew up around them and prefers their company because she’s had a positive father-daughter experience. She’ll also be more easily able to relate to you. But if she was an only child, she may have little understanding or patience with your daughters’ sibling rivalry.
When your daughter was born, most likely you noticed that your wife had an uncanny sense of what babies need, and an amazing, almost intuitive understanding of what that baby was trying to communicate. You struggled to know the difference between a “hungry” cry and an “I’m wet” cry. Your wife just knew. But because Mama was so adept at anticipating her daughter’s desires, your daughter may not learn how to communicate her needs effectively without her. When a father interacts with his baby, his daughter is forced to learn how to communicate in different ways so others can understand. So, Dad, your supposed “weakness” actually helps strengthen your daughter for the future. It’s a good thing you don’t parent like a woman!
When that baby becomes a toddler, you’re needed again—to help your daughter learn how to accept a man’s attention. Up to this point, your wife has been integrally connected to your child. After all, you can’t breast-feed, can you? Enough said. As toddlers grow toward school age, a mom may feel jealous of her daughter’s interest in spending time with her father. I was the one who changed all those diapers and rocked her to sleep, and now she wants him more than me? But a daughter’s growing interest in a relationship with her father is a very good and necessary thing.
Dad, your supposed “weakness” actually helps strengthen your daughter for the future.
It’s normal for a five-year-old daughter to seek her father’s attention and even resent her mother, especially if she views her mother as “taking time away” from her activities with her father. But such changes are critical in your daughter defining what being feminine means. If both you and your wife understand what’s going on and talk about it, there will be less competition between your wife and your daughter for your attention. You also have the wonderful opportunity to show your daughter how Mom and Dad resolve conflict in healthy ways . . . together.
Between the ages of six and preadolescence, a daughter’s view of her daddy will change from an idealized one (“My daddy is perfect—the biggest and the best”) to a more realistic one (“My daddy has strengths and weaknesses, like everybody else”). At this stage, an involved father can help his daughter begin the necessary separation from Mama instead of regressing to being a baby again, where Mama calls all the shots. However, Dad, be aware that this stage can be extremely painful and hurtful for your wife, who may feel pushed away unless she truly understands what’s going on. Her baby is growing up.
In adolescence, the involved father becomes the male figure that all other men are compared to. If you accept her, affirm her, and encourage her, she’ll be able to successfully negotiate her way into adulthood. Mother and daughter can become “best friends” at this age, something every Mama longs for. However, Mama still needs to be careful that she doesn’t guard their girl time together so possessively that their daughter is cheated from receiving Dad’s all-important attention.
In every stage of life—from birth to marriage—an active father’s presence is crucial. If both Mom and Dad understand the stages and why they’re happening, life will flow much more smoothly in the household.
Yesterday, Luke, the dad of an only child who’s a freshman in high school, told me how excited he is that his daughter will soon be able to get her driver’s permit. “It’s a great new stage in her growing independence. She’s a wonderful, confident kid, and she’ll be a terrific driver. It’ll help my wife out a lot too—not having to drive her everywhere after she gets her license.”
Contrast that to his wife’s response: “Wow, our baby is growing up,” she said a bit tearfully. “Sometimes I want to go back to those baby days, where I held her safely in my arms and rocked her to sleep.”
See the difference? Dad, when you know those differences and understand the stages, you’ll be able to navigate competently through the minefields of female relationships. Other dads, in fact, will be asking you for advice. Both mother and daughter need your attention, steadiness, wisdom, understanding, and unconditional love.
However, I want to be absolutely clear on this issue: the best gift you can give your daughter is making your wife number one in your eyes. You’re not raising a healthy daughter if you shower all your attention on “Daddy’s little girl” and leave nothing for Daddy’s wife.
The best gift you can give your daughter is making your wife number one in your eyes.
Some of you are divorced dads, and you winced at those words. But let’s just say it: divorce is never cool, and lots of people pay. But you lessen the payment for your daughter if you
• don’t dog your ex-wife about anything.
• affirm your love for your daughter.
• are involved in a positive way in her life.
• are quick to ask your daughter’s opinion about things that relate to herself, you, and other members of the family.
• don’t fall into the trap of over-giving things to her.
• remember that if you love her, you’ll also discipline her.
If you do these few things, Dad, your daughter has a great shot of living a fulfilling life.
For those of you who are married, the woman you married always comes first. If you keep your wife as your priority, your daughter will see a healthy marriage with two cooperating partners and be able to develop an appropriate model for her own marriage someday.
If you want to be a successful father, be an active father and an active husband.
Max’s teenage daughter, Beth, is normally quiet but can talk a blue streak when they’re in the car. So he, being the smart dad he is, finds ways to get her on minitrips, even if it’s to a drive-through for some hot chocolate for a study break.
One day Beth said, “I don’t know what I want to do after college. But I do know what I don’t want to do.”
“And what’s that?” Max said.
“Work.”
Max couldn’t help himself. He laughed. “You know, Bethie, working is part of this world.”
“I know that. I’m willing to work, but I want to work like Mom—at home. I want to be a mom.”
Ah, now was the time for a teachable moment, and Max knew it. “If you want to be like Mom, then you better marry someone like Dad—someone who is committed to the values of having the mother stay at home and raise the kids. Not every man will want that.”
What was Max doing? Showing his now-interested-in-boys daughter that Mom and Dad work as a team. If Beth wants the life her mother enjoys, she’ll need to pick a husband who is similar to her father.
Beth will be reflecting on that conversation for a long time—about the great role models she has of both mother and father. Together, her parents are helping her understand how a man and a woman relate, work together, and raise a healthy family.
Isn’t that what you want for your daughter, Dad? For her to have the best chance for happiness in her own marriage? If so, learn to get along with your wife. Shower your daughter with affection, but save the primary flow of your attention for your wife. If you do this, your entire family will benefit.