Romantic Love

• 79-2 How does romantic love typically change as time passes?

Sometimes people move quickly from initial impressions, to friendship, to the more intense, complex, and mysterious state of romantic love. If love endures, temporary passionate love will mellow into a lingering companionate love (Hatfield, 1988).

Passionate Love

Passionate love mixes something new with something positive (Aron et al., 2000; Coulter & Malouff, 2013). We intensely desire to be with our partner (Hatfield et al., 2015). Seeing our partner stimulates blood flow to a brain region linked to craving and obsession (Acevedo et al., 2012).

passionate love

an aroused state of intense positive absorption in another, usually present at the beginning of a romantic relationship.

The two-factor theory of emotion (Module 41) explains the intense positive absorption of romantic love (Hatfield, 1988). That theory assumes that

• emotions have two ingredients—physical arousal plus cognitive appraisal.
• arousal from any source can enhance one emotion or another, depending on how we interpret and label the arousal.

In tests of the two-factor theory, college men have been aroused by fright, by running in place, by viewing erotic materials, or by listening to humorous or repulsive monologues. They were then introduced to an attractive woman and asked to rate her (or their girlfriend). Unlike unaroused men, the stirred-up men attributed some of their arousal to the woman or girlfriend, and felt more attracted to her (Carducci et al., 1978; Dermer & Pyszczynski, 1978; White & Kight, 1984). In one classic experiment, researchers studied people crossing two bridges above British Columbia’s rocky Capilano River (Dutton & Aron, 1974, 1989). One, a swaying footbridge, was 230 feet above the rocks; the other was low and solid. As men came off each bridge, an attractive young woman (working for the researchers) intercepted them and asked them to fill out a short questionnaire. She then offered her phone number in case they wanted to hear more about her project. Far more of the men who had just crossed the high bridge—which left their hearts pounding—accepted the number and later called the woman.

To be revved up and to associate some of that arousal with a desirable person is to feel the pull of passion. Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder. Sexual desire + a growing attachment = passionate love (Berscheid, 2010).

Companionate Love

Although the desire and attachment of romantic love often endure, the intense absorption in the other, the thrill of the romance, the giddy “floating on a cloud” feelings typically fade. Does this mean the French are correct in saying that “love makes the time pass and time makes love pass”? Or can friendship and commitment keep a relationship going after the passion cools?

As love matures, it typically becomes a steadier companionate love—a deep, affectionate attachment (Hatfield, 1988). Like a passing storm, the flood of passion-facilitating hormones (testosterone, dopamine, adrenaline) subsides. But another hormone, oxytocin, remains, supporting feelings of trust, calmness, and bonding with the mate. This shift from passion to attachment may have adaptive value (Reis & Aron, 2008). Passionate love often produces children, whose survival is aided by the parents’ waning obsession with each other.

companionate love

the deep affectionate attachment we feel for those with whom our lives are intertwined.

In the most satisfying marriages, attraction and sexual desire endure, minus the obsession of early stage romance (Acevedo & Aron, 2009). Indeed, failure to appreciate passionate love’s limited half-life can doom a relationship (Berscheid et al., 1984). Recognizing the short duration of obsessive passionate love, some societies deem such feelings an irrational reason for marrying. Better, they say, to search for (or have someone choose for you) a partner with a compatible background and interests. Non-Western cultures, where people rate love as less important for marriage, do have lower divorce rates (Levine et al., 1995).

One key to a gratifying and enduring relationship is equity. When equity exists—when both partners receive in proportion to what they give—their chances for sustained and satisfying companionate love have been good (Gray-Little & Burks, 1983; Van Yperen & Buunk, 1990). In one national survey, “sharing household chores” ranked third, after “faithfulness” and a “happy sexual relationship,” on a list of nine things people associated with successful marriages. As the Pew Research Center (2007) summarized, “I like hugs. I like kisses. But what I really love is help with the dishes.”

equity

a condition in which people receive from a relationship in proportion to what they give to it.

They are sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall under a window. In the first panel, one boy says to the other “I think I’m really in love this time.” The other boy responds, “How can you tell?” In the second panel, the first boy says, “Whenever I’m with her, I get all clammy and sweaty and nauseous and dizzy.” In the last panel, the second boy says, “Yep! That’s the real thing.”

Equity’s importance extends beyond marriage. Mutually sharing one’s self and possessions, making decisions together, giving and getting emotional support, promoting and caring about each other’s welfare—all of these acts are at the core of every type of loving relationship (Sternberg & Grajek, 1984). It’s true for lovers, for parent and child, and for close friends.

Sharing includes self-disclosure, revealing intimate details about ourselves—our likes and dislikes, our dreams and worries, our proud and shameful moments. “When I am with my friend,” noted the Roman statesman Seneca, “me thinks I am alone, and as much at liberty to speak anything as to think it.” Self-disclosure breeds liking, and liking breeds self-disclosure (Collins & Miller, 1994). As one person reveals a little, the other reciprocates, the first then reveals more, and on and on, as friends or lovers move to deeper levels of intimacy (Baumeister & Bratslavsky, 1999).

self-disclosure

the act of revealing intimate aspects of ourselves to others.

Love is an ancient thing This 5000- to 6000-year-old “Romeo and Juliet” young couple was unearthed locked in embrace, near Rome.

Partially buried still, the skeletons are only partially visible. The two faces are facing each other and the arms are interlocked. The legs are bent forward and close together.

One experiment marched some student pairs through 45 minutes of increasingly self-disclosing conversation—from “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?” to “When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?” Other pairs spent the time with small-talk questions, such as “What was your high school like?” (Aron et al., 1997). By the experiment’s end, those experiencing the escalating intimacy felt much closer to their conversation partner than did the small-talkers. Likewise, after dating couples spent 45 minutes answering such questions, they felt increased love (Welker et al., 2014).

In addition to equity and self-disclosure, a third key to enduring love is positive support. Relationship conflicts are inevitable, but hurtful communications are not. Do we more often express sarcasm or support, scorn or sympathy, sneers or smiles? For unhappy couples, disagreements, criticisms, and put downs are routine. For happy couples in enduring relationships, positive interactions (compliments, touches, laughing) outnumber negative interactions (sarcasm, disapproval, insults) by at least 5 to 1 (Gottman, 2007; see also Sullivan et al., 2010).

In the mathematics of love, self-disclosing intimacy + mutually supportive equity = enduring companionate love.

Check Your Understanding

Ask Yourself

• When you think of some of the older couples you know, which ones seem to experience companionate love? How do you think they’ve achieved it?

Test Yourself

• How does the two-factor theory of emotion help explain passionate love?
• Two vital components for maintaining companionate love are ______________ and ______________-______________.

Answers to the Test Yourself questions can be found in Appendix E at the end of the book.