ARE YOU STILL having a problem identifying the core beliefs beneath your stress? Don’t worry. Sometimes it is tough to develop a sense of what is influencing our thoughts. It might take awhile for you to develop real insight into which core beliefs are operating in your life.
This process might be especially complicated if you truly struggle with more than one theme in your system of core beliefs. For instance, it is quite possible for you to identify situations where you struggle with people-pleasing and performance-based core beliefs. In other environments you might see yourself operating on a control-based core belief.
My purpose in introducing you to the whole concept of core beliefs is not to have you place yourself rigidly into one of these categories. Rather, it is to help you better understand what typically drives your stress in different environments. If you find that you are a people-pleaser in some situations and a control freak in others, that’s great. Having a rich understanding of your core beliefs ultimately will help you get the most out of the Stress Relief for Life program.
Do you still need more help recognizing the core beliefs that are driving your hot thoughts? Examining your understanding of God will be helpful because we often project our core beliefs onto Him. Let me give you an example. Have you ever known a perfectionist, someone who probably had a very strong performance-based core belief? That was Gail. When she came in for her initial counseling appointment, it was clear early on that she had the tendency to work out her faith with an over-focus on her spiritual performance.
Although she had intellectual knowledge of the concept of grace, she was merciless with herself when it came to spiritual disciplines such as prayer, Bible study, worship, and meditation. She could believe God loved her if she spent an hour in prayer during the day, but she struggled to feel God’s acceptance if she spent only twenty minutes in prayer. Gail’s view of God was a projection of her performance-based core belief because we know from Scripture that prayer connects us to God, but it doesn’t make us acceptable to Him. Unfortunately, Gail’s experience is not uncommon. If you want a rich understanding of your core beliefs, pay close attention to your views about God and His acceptance and affirmation of you.
Completing the Progress Report From God might give you even more insight into your core beliefs. After you answer the questions, think about your ideas about God’s acceptance and affirmation of you. Do you feel that God loves you if you are strong and in control of yourself? If so, you probably have a control-based core belief. Do you sense God’s affirmation when you have performed well in some spiritual capacity? If this is the case, you might have a performance-based core belief. Do you believe God loves you more when you are pleasing others or meeting their needs? This might mean you have a people-pleasing core belief.
PROGRESS REPORT FROM GOD
Have you ever received a performance review from your employer? If God were writing a progress report about you, what would He say? Your answers will probably give you more clues into the content of your core beliefs. However, if this exercise is going to be helpful to you, it is important to answer the following questions honestly. Don’t give responses that you think are “theologically correct” or “Christian.” Focus in on your natural, gut reactions.
PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
From: God
To: [your name] ___________________________________________
Your strengths as a person of faith are as follows:
After reviewing your life, you need
improvement in the following areas:
I feel you are at your best when you:
I am especially pleased with you when you:
WHAT’S YOUR OLD STORY?
I hope you are getting a better sense of the core beliefs that drive your hot thoughts. As you look back over your stress logs, your early experience in childhood and adolescence, and your view of God, you should start to see some themes. If you continue to think through your core beliefs over the next couple of days, you should be able to answer with more insight the question, What makes me acceptable, worthwhile, significant, worthy of connection, and lovable?
Your goal for the remainder of today’s session is to customize your core beliefs. I want you to begin to put the abstract concept of core beliefs into the context of your life by understanding how your core beliefs really sound in your own head. The goal here is to understand how the issues of people pleasing, performance, and control play out in the details of your life. The easiest way to do this is to write a story—about you. It should be an autobiography about how people pleasing, performance, and control issues have caused stress in specific relationships, environments, and situations.
Writing a story about yourself is helpful because people learn better by listening to stories than by listening to facts. That’s why I’ve been using stories to illustrate the concepts of the Stress Relief for Life program. I’ve included an exercise at the end of today’s reading that will help you think through the different components of your old story. As you write, don’t focus on grammar or syntax. It doesn’t have to be a pretty story, just a short, narrative account in which you illustrate the power that your core beliefs have had over your stress process. Remember the immensely talented and competent businessman named Cooper I told you about previously? I’ve included an excerpt of the story he wrote as an example.
COOPER’S OLD STORY
My name is Cooper, and I live life pretty stressed. I have always been extremely concerned about my performance. I guess at my core I feel I’m a worthwhile and significant person if I do things well. If I ever face a situation in which I don’t do something right or perfectly, I get really down on myself and don’t feel very worthwhile. I’m not sure where I got this from (my dad was pretty hard on me, I guess). But I know that my concern about my performance and doing things “right” and “with excellence” stresses me out in many areas of my life.
My focus on how well I perform probably has caused the most problems in my marriage. I don’t have any kids yet, but that’s probably because I’m real concerned that I won’t be a good enough dad. My wife gets frustrated with my perfectionism, and I sometimes end up majoring on the minors. For instance, my wife accuses me of stressing more about whether or not our lawn looks good than whether or not I am connecting with her.
Of course, my issues with performance cause significant stress at the office. I get so stressed-out when I feel like my reports to my boss are not perfect, and I end up spending an inordinate amount of time on them. I’m always under the gun with deadlines because I spend so much time trying to micromanage my team. I guess I try to hold everyone else up to my standard of perfection, and I get really stressed when no one delivers (even me).
Some people say I’ve done well professionally, but I feel like a fake. I don’t really deserve the position I’m in, and I’m afraid that it’s only a matter of time until everyone finds out.
Spiritually, I’m a mess. God and I do well when I feel like I am being a good person. But the whole grace thing just doesn’t make sense. If I lose track of Bible study or miss an opportunity to share my faith, I feel like I’ve failed God, and it takes me several weeks to find the courage to go to God about it.
One other area that I get stressed about is my appearance. I am obsessed with my body, and I work out an average of two hours a day. I’m in decent shape, but I’m not really satisfied with my body. I get stressed because of my appearance, but also because I spend so much time trying to get the body I feel like I’ll never have.
Summary: My worth and my ability to feel loved by God and others are based on whether or not I do things perfectly. I confuse my value with my performance.
IT’S YOUR TURN
I want you to spend the rest of your session writing your old story. Remember, don’t get bogged down by trying to write a pretty story. It doesn’t have to be grammatically correct. You can even make up words if you need to. Your goal is simply to express in words how your faulty core beliefs affect the details of your life.
I’ll give you one warning here: most people who take this exercise seriously are absolutely shocked by how consistently their core beliefs are driving their stress in multiple areas of their lives. But don’t worry if you start to feel overwhelmed by all the stress you are experiencing. Tomorrow you will see why I have encouraged you to invest this time when we begin thinking about how to change your core beliefs. Then, as you begin to become intentional about changing your core beliefs, you’ll be ready to create a personalized system that surely will help you live a less-stressed life.
For now, continue to complete your stress log every day. Keep recording your thoughts and feelings three times a day, even if you haven’t been stressed. And when you do find yourself stressing out, complete all seven columns of the stress log.
ASSIGNMENT
• Complete The Old Story About Me worksheet.
• Practice passive or active relaxation for twenty minutes.
• Log thoughts, feelings, and behavior three times a day after breakfast, after lunch, and before bedtime using the stress log.
• Complete all seven columns of the stress log when you begin to feel stressed.
THE OLD STORY ABOUT ME
The goal here is for you to understand how your core beliefs play out in the details of your life. Write an autobiography about how people-pleasing, performance, and/or control issues cause you stress in specific relationships, environments, and situations. It doesn’t have to be a pretty story, just a short narrative account in which you illustrate the power that the core beliefs have had over your stress process. Use the following guidelines to help you write your story.
My dominant stress-inducing core beliefs center on (check all that apply):
People-pleasing
Performance
Control
My core beliefs have driven my stress in the following areas of my life (check all that apply):
Marriage and family. If so, how?
Work. If so, how?
Self-care (ability to take care of myself). If so, how?
Spiritual life. If so, how?
Friendships. If so, how?
Other areas. If so, how?
Two-sentence summary of my old story
STRESS LOG
This stress log will help you practice becoming more aware of the emotions you experience when your stress begins. It should be completed daily beginning on Day Six of the Stress Relief for Life program. If you encounter a stressful experience during your day, fill out the entire row under the appropriate time period. If you don’t have a stressful experience, complete only the first four columns.
