GET TO THE CORE OF YOUR
STRESS: PERFORMANCE
AND CONTROL
I’LL NEVER FORGET the day Cooper walked into my counseling office. He was the picture of competence, intellect, and success. He was one of the most physically fit individuals I had seen in real life, and his imposing stature was accented with a fine-looking, obviously expensive Italian suit. He was dripping with so much jewelry that he could set off any metal detector within fifty feet. In fact, Cooper was dressed so well that I couldn’t resist making a comment about how he brought back fond memories of my many trips to the Milan fashion shows. (Considering that I had on a pair of khakis and a Polo shirt, Cooper was well aware this statement was intended to be humorous.)
Cooper was the executive vice president of a large company, a position he had attained by the ripe old age of twenty-nine. He had a great job, was handsome, and had an engaging personality. As I sat with Cooper during my initial interview with him, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Here is a guy who has it all. Why in the world is he here for counseling?” As it turned out, Cooper did have it all, but it still wasn’t good enough. He was extremely stressed-out by everything—from his job to his relationship with his wife to his vexing golf swing. In every area of his life, Cooper was stressed, and his stress was taking its toll physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
During his initial counseling sessions, I asked Cooper to complete exercises similar to the ones found in this program. He completed stress logs and eventually became more aware of his thoughts and feelings when he was in stressful situations. Over time, Cooper found that his stress was created and supported by thoughts like, “I’m never going to keep up with my work and still be the kind of husband I need to be.” Other hot thoughts were: “I’d be a decent friend if I were more caring and available.” “There is no way that I am ever going to amount to anything professionally.”
An over-focus on his performance was the major theme of Cooper’s hot thoughts, and this thought pattern cut across multiple situations and environments. Cooper was convinced at a deep level that he was only significant and worthy of love from others if he performed well all the time. The minute his performance as an employee, friend, or husband was less than perfect, Cooper got stressed—really stressed. Despite his tremendous success physically, professionally, relationally, and spiritually, he was stressed anytime he thought he had “missed the mark.”
Cooper had a performance-based core belief. This core belief is rooted in the assumption that you obtain connection, love, significance, and worth because of your performance. People with performance-based core beliefs confuse who they are with what they do. They mistake lovability with performance. Here are some examples of the thoughts that undergird this core belief:
• If I’m competent all the time, people will respect me.
• Love must be earned with unusual accomplishments.
• If I can create a positive outcome, then I’m OK; if the outcome is not good, then I’m not OK.
• I should be productive all the time.
• Perfection is the only acceptable standard (at work, in relationships, in my Christian walk, etc.).
• If I look and sound intelligent, then I’ll be respected and loved.
The performance-based core belief can be expressed in a person’s life in a number of different ways. However, whenever someone with a performance-based core belief is convinced that he has not performed well, he will experience some form of stress. Remember our example of the pastor who spontaneously asked you to pray at the Sunday morning worship service? Here’s the summary of how things went south when the hot thought led to stressful feelings:
This is a classic example of a hot thought that was driven by a performance-based core belief. The hot thought (“I’m not prepared; I’ll sound like an idiot”) is clearly based on the general assumption that your worth and significance are directly related to your ability to produce a thoughtful prayer in the pulpit. In short, a performance-based core belief that said you could live with yourself only if you had a positive outcome was creating significant stress. I’ve summarized this stress process for you.
VYING FOR CONTROL?
Not many people who come to counseling bop into my office the way Denise did, so I was quite intrigued by our first meeting. To say that Denise exuded magnetic energy would be an understatement. She was light, breezy, and even quite funny as we went over the preliminary information from her paperwork. When I asked her directly why she was coming for counseling, Denise said bluntly, “I need someone to help me straighten out my husband. He is being unresponsive to my needs and the needs of my family.” I was taken aback. How was she talking with such ease about such a painful experience? As I continued to listen during the initial session, I began to see a fuller picture.
For several years, Denise had controlled her family in general and her husband, Daryl, in particular. She made the decisions about how the kids were disciplined, where they went out to eat, how the money was spent, and what leisure activities the family pursued. After ten years, Daryl finally rebelled. First, he started enjoying some new hobbies on his own. Then he told Denise that he was through being her yes-man. Obviously, none of this sat well with Denise, and she started to experience serious symptoms of stress.
Although her stress was somewhat understandable considering the situation, I was amazed at her response to Daryl’s new behavior. As her stress levels rose, she would attempt to control Daryl through more and more aggressive means. And the more hostile Denise was, the more convinced she became that Daryl was rebelling. Denise was so energized during our initial session because she was convinced I would agree that her stress was a direct result of her husband’s rebellion.
I made the decision to work with Denise for several sessions to determine what in the world was going on with her controlling nature. Her hot thoughts centered on helplessness and powerlessness. When Daryl spent money without consulting her first, Denise told herself, “He is not even trying to respect my wishes when it comes to the finances.” She reported that when Daryl would spend money without asking her, she often would immediately come down with stomachaches and headaches. Denise would experience these physiological responses even though they were very secure financially.
Daryl’s newfound autonomy brought other struggles for Denise. When Daryl joined a tennis league, she experienced significant stress. Her hot thoughts again centered on helplessness and powerlessness: “I can’t believe he is abandoning the family every Saturday morning like this. He won’t even listen to logical reasoning about why he should be home for us on the weekend.”
The issues between Denise and Daryl were complicated, but it became clear early in our sessions that one of the problems Denise was dealing with was a core belief that focused on controlling others. Denise’s core belief told her, “Others must do what I think they should do, or they don’t love me.” This core belief was causing some hot thoughts that were generating a fairly stress-filled experience.
People with control-based core beliefs usually focus their efforts on controlling other people or on controlling themselves. People who focus on self-control are often not stressed if they maintain their discipline and predictability. But when they miss the mark and fail to follow through on their “schedule” or “routine,” they really stress out. When an individual is invested in controlling others, he is often respected for his convictions but viewed as hard to get along with. Just like Denise, when others step out of line (i.e., they don’t do what the controlling person thinks they should do), that usually provokes serious stress. Some examples of the thoughts underlying control-based core beliefs include:
• “If things don’t go as I have planned, I am out of control, and that means something bad about me” (self-control).
• “If others don’t do as I wish, they do not care about me or respect me” (control of others).
• “I must be strong because only the strong are valued, respected, and loved” (self-control and control of others).
• “If anything goes wrong, it is my fault” (control of others).
Let’s look at the example we discussed previously about the political conversation with your spouse. Here’s a summary of how your hot thoughts in the moment can lead to serious stress.
This example demonstrates how subtle the power of a control-based core belief can be. In the moment, the hot thought isn’t even focused on control. However, using the word ridiculous suggests that you are uncomfortable when others disagree with you or when you can’t control their opinion. The feeling of frustration also reflects a core belief rooted in control. Many times people who struggle with control-based core beliefs have an angry stress experience where the emotions of stress and anger are intermingled and indistinguishable from each other. A summary of this stress process follows.
WHAT’S DRIVING YOU?
Do you have any performance- or control-based beliefs? Do you get stressed when you can’t control yourself or other people? Do you confuse your lovability with performance? If you’re not sure, look at the stress logs you have completed so far. Consistent themes in hot thoughts point to specific core beliefs.
Have any patterns surfaced surrounding your performance? Do your hot thoughts consistently focus on pressure to “do more” at work or home? Do you find yourself stressing about whether or not you “look stupid” or have done something “right”? If so, you probably struggle with a performance-based core belief.
How about control? Do you consistently stress out over whether or not you follow through with your self-designed schedule? Do you experience stress when other people don’t agree with you or comply with your requests? If so, you may be struggling with a control-based core belief.
Take some time today to think about what’s beneath your hot thoughts. In particular, consider your experience growing up. Think about interactions with your parents, your friends from the neighborhood, and your siblings. Does anything stick out that seems consistent with an over-focus on performance or control? People with performance-based core beliefs often will have positive memories about their early life that center around achievement and success, and negative memories that are focused on inadequacy or the pressure to do more. Individuals with control-based core beliefs often will have negative memories of discipline or a lack of freedom, and positive memories of independence and freedom.
If you can’t speak with any certainty about your core beliefs yet, don’t worry. We’ll pick up the whole idea of core beliefs again during tomorrow’s reading.
ASSIGNMENT
• Practice passive or active relaxation for twenty minutes.
• Log thoughts, feelings, and behavior three times a day after breakfast, after lunch, and before bedtime using the stress log.
• Complete all seven columns of the stress log when you begin to feel stressed.
STRESS LOG
This stress log will help you practice becoming more aware of the emotions you experience when your stress begins. It should be completed daily beginning on Day Six of the Stress Relief for Life program. If you encounter a stressful experience during your day, fill out the entire row under the appropriate time period. If you don’t have a stressful experience, complete only the first four columns.
