CHAPTER 9 The Stress of Comparison

It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes happiness.

—Charles Spurgeon

I wonder what it was like that day. Was it bright and sunny, or were the clouds threatening? Did the winds stay calm and quiet, or did they howl in anticipation for the battle at hand? And what about the soldiers—did the armies fear the consequences awaiting them, or were they just anxious to get the long-awaited fight over with?

Regardless of the weather or the temperament of the battle-hardened men, here’s one thing we know: In the moments before David fought Goliath… everyone was waiting. It doesn’t sound very exciting, but it’s true. Two opposing, well-trained, bloodthirsty armies stood perched on the opposite sides of the Valley of Elah as a defiant shepherd boy tried to do the unthinkable… fit into the armor of a king.

What a sight it must have been for those close enough to observe—David, a teenage sheepherder, trying on the stately armor that was custom-made for King Saul. It wasn’t David’s idea. He hadn’t requested the fitting. He didn’t want to waste time; David wanted to fight. But the moment David volunteered to battle the giant, those around him began to do what many of us still do today… compare him to another.

Can’t you just hear them now? David, if you’re going to fight, you should look the part… If you’re going into the valley, wear what an experienced warrior would wear… Walk taller… Act more noble… Look less like a shepherd boy… Look more like a king… Be less like you… Be more like Saul.

As you read those words, you may be able to relate. You haven’t fought a literal giant, but I bet you’ve battled some giant problems. And perhaps you know what it’s like to feel the pressure to dress, look, or act like someone else as you go through life. If you have, let me remind you of the rest of the story.

The comparisons came rolling in, and for a moment, David almost fell into the comparison trap. 1 Samuel 17:38–39 says, “Then Saul clothed David with his armor; he put a bronze helmet on his head and clothed him with a coat of mail. And David girded his sword over his armor.” Even though David had never worn armor before, he was tempted to put on Saul’s—he was tempted to try to fight like someone else.

But better judgment took over. Verse 39 goes on to say, “Then he tried to go, but could not, for he was not used to it. And David said to Saul, ‘I cannot go with these, for I am not used to them.’ And David took them off.” It’s that last sentence that caught my attention. Five simple words that may just be the key to lessening the stress levels in your life: “And David took them off.”

David took off the armor…

David took off the expectations of other people…

David took off the comparisons…

And that was the key to his victory. David didn’t need to fight like Saul to defeat the giant before him. He simply needed to be himself. All he needed was his slingshot, a few stones, and a confident expectation in God to win the battle. It defied all logic, but God had already given David the unique skills and ability to win the battle. No matter how hard others tried to get David to fight like Saul, the most important thing David could do was to be himself. And you know what? That’s the most important thing you can do, too.

An Eagle’s Feather

One of the most common sources of stress is the comparison trap. This isn’t just anecdotally true; studies have borne this out. One study published in the Quarterly Journal of Economics found that “the higher earnings of neighbors were associated with lower levels of self-reported happiness.”1 For so many people, happiness is connected to the comparison of those around them.

But I’ve discovered that nothing good comes from trying to imitate, compete with, or outdo someone else. The more you compare your life to those around you, the less you’ll enjoy the life God has given you. Billy Graham said it this way: “I defy you to show me an envious man who is a happy man.”² If you think about it, this is so true. The more you look at the people around you and try to live a life different from your own, the less happy you become.

Even though we would all probably agree that comparison is a bad idea, it is a mistake that so many people make. And I can certainly relate. I’ve fallen into the comparison trap many times myself—more times than I’d like to admit. I can still remember the times I wanted to be more like my neighbor who was an amazing homemaker and cook, or to be like the sweet, mercy-motivated woman I knew from church, or more like Dave, who is so easygoing in how he handles life. The temptation to measure myself against others is one that I’ve struggled with many times.

But over the years, the Lord has shown me that the only thing that comes from comparison is stress. God didn’t create me to be like someone else, so why should I try to be anything other than what I am? As a matter of fact, the things that make me unique are gifts, not liabilities. I’ll give you an example…

For the longest time, I wondered why I had such a deep voice. I mean, honestly, there were times I was really upset about it. Other ladies had such soft, gentle tones and I wondered why I couldn’t have the same. (There was one time when I called for a facial and the person on the other end of the line thought I was a man! I thought, How embarrassing!) But over the years, God has shown me that He gave me this voice on purpose—I need it to boldly proclaim the Word of God all around the world! He gave me a unique gift that I can use for His glory.

The same is true for you. The things in your life that make you different aren’t hindrances… they are assets. That’s why Psalm 139:14 (NKJV) says:

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

You are handcrafted—fearfully and wonderfully made! Just like David, God has specially and uniquely qualified you to do something that no one else can do. You might be thinking, But, Joyce, I don’t know what that is yet! Just because you haven’t discovered it yet doesn’t mean you won’t. Stay encouraged. God has something specific planned for your future! Resist the temptation to compare yourself to other people. Trust God and allow Him to use you in ways that are unique to you.

Dwight L. Moody once told the story of a beautiful eagle who was jealous of another eagle who seemed to fly better than he could. One day the wild bird saw a hunter with a bow and arrow and said to him, “I wish you would bring down that eagle up there.” The man said he gladly would if he just had some feathers for his arrow. So, of course, the envious eagle pulled one out of his wing. The arrow was shot, but it didn’t quite reach the rival bird because he was flying so high. The envious eagle pulled out another feather… and then another… and then another—until he had lost so many that he himself couldn’t fly. The sportsman took advantage of the situation, turned around, and killed the helpless bird. And here is the application that D. L. Moody made: If you are jealous of others, the one you will hurt the most will be yourself.3

True Security and Freedom from Comparisons

We have an epidemic of insecure people in our society today. Many people have an identity crisis because they don’t really know who they are, and they base their worth and value on all the wrong things—what they do, what they look like, who they know, what they know, or what they own.

Let me ask you a few questions. What do you think of yourself? How do you feel about who you are? Do you ever compare yourself with other people and feel belittled if you can’t do what they can do or be like them? Have you ever said, “I wish I looked like her,” or “I wish I had what they have,” or “I wish I could do what you do”? If you have, don’t beat yourself up—everyone experiences insecurity at times. I know what it’s like to feel inferior to others and insecure about myself. I grew up in a very unstable, volatile home environment and never really felt safe and secure throughout my childhood. I suffered for many years with the agony of trying to be someone other than myself, but I learned that wasn’t God’s will. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”4 The more you are comfortable with you, the more joy you will have.

The good news is, we don’t have to live insecure lives because it’s God’s will for us to be very secure and not to live in fear. We were created to feel safe, secure, confident, and bold; it’s part of our spiritual DNA as born-again believers in Christ. But the key to living a secure life in Christ is knowing who you are in Christ, really receiving God’s love for you, and basing your worth and value on who God says you are, not what you do.

I remember my first speaking engagement, when I was to speak in front of several hundred people. All the other guest speakers had impressive titles. They were doctors, reverends, bishops, and theologians, but I was just Joyce. I felt extremely insecure. Fast-forward thirty years to when I was recently part of a conference where the other speakers were some of the most revered men in Christian circles. I’m talking about really important men with loads of major influence. There were these prestigious speakers and then there was me! But you know what? I didn’t feel one tiny bit insecure because I knew from my thirty-plus years of experience with God that I don’t have to compare myself with anyone. We are equal to any task God assigns us as long as we keep our confidence in Him.

Any time we try to do something that God has not given us an ability to do, we are inviting stress into our lives. The pressure we can feel when we are with people that we feel threatened by can be very stressful. It causes us to behave unnaturally or in a way that is not a true representation of how we really are. It is difficult, if not impossible, to form healthy relationships with anyone we are constantly comparing ourselves to.

According to Isaiah 54:17, part of our inheritance from God is security: “But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord” (emphasis added).

I think stress is a certainty unless we have a deep understanding that God loves us unconditionally. In 1 John 4:18, it says, “There is no fear in love… but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!”

This Scripture opened my eyes to the fact that I was one of those people who didn’t feel secure in God’s love. To be loved unconditionally means that the love we receive isn’t based on what we do. God’s love is perfect and it is a free gift. I’ve had to remind myself at times that I am not Joyce Meyer Ministries. I am a person who is in ministry. You are more than your job, or education level, or even your talent and abilities. We are God’s very own; we belong to Him and He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY!! God is love. And He really loves you! I pray that you will experience God’s love for yourself every day of your life. Then you can have the life of peace, joy, and true security that He’s planned for you. I once heard that comparison is an act of violence against yourself, and I agree. Be kind to yourself and appreciate who you are.

This, Not That

Let’s end this chapter with some practical ways to avoid the stress that comes with comparing yourself with others. All of these might not apply to your life, but I encourage you to implement the ones that do on a daily basis. It may take time—and you might fall short on some days—but don’t give up. Each day, ask the Lord to help you look to Him and recognize His love for you. Rather than finding your identity by comparing yourself with another, ask God to help you confidently find your identity in Him.

Here are some helpful ways to remember that each and every day…

• When you see someone else who has an amazing gift, instead of being jealous, take a moment to thank God for their ability, and realize that their gift benefits you if you will enjoy it instead of being jealous of it.

• Begin by asking God to give you a new confidence in who He has gifted you to be.

• Realize that things about you that are unique are not liabilities, but they are actually resources that God can use.

• Instead of trying to copy someone else’s talent, work on developing your own talent. What is it that you can do that others cannot? Whatever that thing is… cultivate it. Strengthen your strengths and trust that God gave you those talents for a reason.

• Pray for your friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Regardless of their status or behavior, ask God to bless them each and every day. It’s really difficult to be envious of those people you are praying for. If you ask God to bless others, you might be surprised at how much He’ll bless you in return.

So, once and for all, let’s climb out of the pit of comparisons and walk in the freedom of our identity in Christ. David “took off” the armor of Saul that held him down… and you and I can do the same. We can take off the things that have burdened us in the past. Whether it’s the way you look, how you dress, your marital status, what job you have, the level of your education, the size of your home, or the depth of your talent, remember that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Don’t allow the stress of comparisons to reign in your life. Take them off and allow God to give you a level of peace and joy that can propel you into your destiny.

Things to Remember:

David set the example by fighting the battle using the unique gifts and skill sets God had given him.

Nothing good comes from trying to imitate, compete with, or outdo someone else. The more you compare your life to the lives of those around you, the less you’ll enjoy the life God has given you.

Psalm 139:14 (NKJV) says, “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

We were created to feel safe, secure, confident, and bold; these are part of our spiritual DNA as born-again believers in Christ.

God created you with a purpose. He loves you unconditionally, and He has given you special gifts and talents.

Did you know?

People who own dogs are less likely to experience stress on the same level as people who do not.5