CHAPTER 10
Change the Conversation
Good words are worth much, and cost little.
—George Herbert
Do you remember the first words your child spoke? Mama. Dada. Ball. Dog. Nothing is more exciting than hearing a baby talk for the first time. We call our friends, brag on Facebook, and post videos on Instagram. (You know it’s true.) And we spend the next few weeks begging our little one to say it again. I have spent two weeks trying to get my one-year-old grandson to say anything that even remotely sounds like grandma! Words can lift us into ecstasy or they can cause some of the worst emotional pain we can feel as humans. Right words at the right time are very valuable.
But can you imagine if your child’s first words were something critical or negative? What if your son or daughter started their voyage into language by saying can’t or never or ugly? You wouldn’t be so quick to run to social media. You wouldn’t be proud at all. Why? Because the words your child speaks are foundational and show what’s important in his life. You, rightfully, want your little child to speak positive things that bring him joy and fulfillment.
Well, what’s true for children is true for us, too. The words you and I speak may not cause relatives to grab their phones and instantly flood social media, but they are just as important. As a matter of fact, the words you speak each day are an indication of the kind of life you are going to live. If your conversations are positive, hope-filled, and full of encouragement, you are going to face that day with a certain level of joy and optimism. However, if your conversations are despair-riddled, stress-filled, and burdened by doubt, you are probably in for a long day… a very long, stressful day.
This is why I believe it’s time to “change the conversation.” Rather than rehearse your problems, it’s time to start reciting God’s goodness! In my life, I’ve seen that talking excessively about my cares or concerns does nothing to make them go away. All talking about my problems does is maximize stress. I can feel the tension getting worse the longer I talk. The more I talk about everything that could go wrong, the more I am turning up the volume on stress and turning down the volume on faith. But something amazing happens when I change the conversation. When I begin talking about the power, the goodness, and the faithfulness of God (in spite of my problems), or when I talk about parts of my life that are not problems, my stress levels decrease. It’s not that my words instantly change the circumstances I’m facing, but they have the power to change my attitude about those circumstances until the circumstances do change.
Change your conversation! Rather than stressing out about what is lacking, talk about how fortunate you are in many areas of life. It’s a simple solution to the nagging problem of stress: worry can be lessened by speaking positive, hope-inspired, and faith-filled words.
How to Increase Your Joy
There is no doubt you have heard someone say, “You might end up eating those words.” It may sound like a simple expression to us, but in reality we do eat our words. What we say not only affects our friends and coworkers, but our words also profoundly affect us. The question is which way—positively or negatively?
Words are wonderful when used in a proper way. They can encourage, edify, and give confidence to the hearer. A right word spoken at the right time can actually be life-changing (see Proverbs 15:23). We can literally increase our own joy and greatly reduce stress by speaking right words. We can also upset ourselves by talking unnecessarily about our problems or about things that have hurt us in relationships. I wonder how many people who are seriously stressed out ever consider that a large part of it may be caused by their own conversation?
One time I was dealing with a disappointing situation that took place with someone I considered to be a friend. I noticed that each time I talked about it, I would have a difficult time getting it off my mind for the remainder of the day. I finally realized that if I wanted to get over it and move on, I had to stop mentally and verbally rehearsing it again and again. People kept asking me about the situation out of genuine concern, but I ultimately realized that I had to answer, “It is better for me if I just don’t talk about it right now.” The more I spoke about it, the greater the opportunity for stress and worry. But when I simply took the situation to God, cast my care upon Him, and quit talking about it, I noticed that my entire attitude began to improve.
Think for a moment about what happens when we verbalize a thought. The words that come out of our mouths go into our own ears (as well as other people’s), and then they drop down into our soul where they give us either joy or sadness, peace or stress, depending on the types of words we have spoken. Most people don’t realize how helpful or destructive their own words are to their lives. When we understand the power of words and realize that we can choose what we think and speak, our lives can be transformed.
God desires that our spirits be light and free so they can function properly, not heavy and oppressed. We can learn to choose our thoughts, to resist wrong ones, and think about good, healthy, and right ones. I have often said, “Where the mind goes, the man follows.” And it could also be said that where the mind goes, the mouth follows!
Plan to Say Something Positive
God has given every believer a new nature, and we are taught to daily renew our mind and attitude. Having a positive outlook on life and speaking words based on God’s Word are two of the most essential things we can do in the renewing process. As you begin your day, if there is something on your schedule that you’re not looking forward to, you can either say, “I am dreading this day already,” or you can say, “God will give me strength today to do whatever I need to do and to do it with joy.” Which of these two statements do you think would better prepare you for the day?
As we have seen, we eat our words, and we can rightfully say that they are food for our souls. Anyone who wants to be healthy is careful to choose nutritious, quality food that will provide proper fuel for the body. In the same way, if we want to be healthy in our soul and spirit, we can also choose to take in words that will build us up and increase our peace and joy.
You might be thinking, But, Joyce, there are so many negative things that are happening all around me. I know sometimes that seems to be true, but I believe there are many good things happening in the world, and there is probably more good than bad. But the evil is magnified in a way that often seems overwhelming. Turn on any news station or go to any online news site and you will find it filled with reports of murder, theft, wars, famine, and all kinds of terribly tragic events. We want to be well informed of what is going on, but to talk about world problems excessively or with no purpose merely creates a gloomy atmosphere that nobody will enjoy.
I once walked into a room and heard a group of people talking about several businesses that had just filed for bankruptcy. Then they mentioned two others that they had heard were going to file for bankruptcy. I felt a gloom hanging in the atmosphere, so I spoke up and said, “Well, God is not bankrupt and He is on our side.” Everyone agreed with me and immediately, the atmosphere changed. I am not suggesting at all that we deny reality, but we can choose what we talk about. Instead of feeding ourselves a steady diet of bad news, we should choose to read, watch, and talk about good things. What we allow into our lives will affect us.
So the question becomes, What are you talking about? I ask that because we talk a lot and quite often pay no attention to what we are saying, let alone think seriously about the impact of our words. Someone told me that the chattiest of women speak 47,000 words a day, and average women speak 20,000, while men speak only 7,000. I must admit I’m having a difficult time believing that one because I know some men who can easily keep up with me, but one thing is for sure—we all say lots of things that would be better off left unsaid.
If we are honest with ourselves, we may find that some of our stress, worry, and anxiety are directly linked to our conversations. I urge you to start paying attention to how you feel when you are talking about your problems, things that upset you, or even the world problems we all know exist. Do your muscles become tense? Do you start to grit your teeth? Does your stomach begin to churn? Do you get a headache? These are all symptoms of stress. We all have the solution to stress caused by what we say… change the conversation!
Your words may not be the cause of all your problems, but they can cause a lot of them. It would be helpful to give them a good deal of consideration when you are looking for answers to the stress you encounter in life. We all face challenges from time to time, but we can make them better or worse by the way we talk about them. I don’t believe we can change all of our circumstances into pleasant ones by making positive confessions, but I do believe many of them will change according to God’s will when we speak according to His will. One thing is for sure—speaking negatively can hurt you and speaking positively never will, so why not go with the positive just to be on the safe side?
Don’t Talk Yourself Out of Victory
The Word of God has much to say about the words we choose to speak. And if this is an area in your life where you know you need to make some changes, it would be beneficial for you to see what God says and put His instruction into practice. Here are a few biblical directions and encouragements about our word choices:
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.
Ephesians 4:29
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, impenetrable] Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14
But I tell you, on the day of judgment men will have to give account for every idle (inoperative, nonworking) word they speak.
Matthew 12:36
Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the mind and healing to the body.
Proverbs 16:24
These are just a few of the many admonishments in the Bible for you and me to “change the conversation.” Positive, God-inspired words are “sweet to the mind” and bring “healing to the body.”
Are You Talking Too Much?
God has challenged me to “fast my words.” In other words, don’t talk just to hear myself talk, but refrain from saying useless, vain, and powerless things. I would love to be able to report that I have done great, but the truth is that I am still making very slow progress. However, I do want to share that on the days I have been more successful, I actually notice that I feel more relaxed and, at times, I even feel closer to God.
This morning, Dave and I got into a downright silly conversation. I think we started out trying to tease each other, but our conversation digressed into something that sounded more like insults and seemed to be heading for an argument. Later in the day, the same thing happened with one of my sons. I guess since I was the common denominator in both of the conversations, I should take responsibility for it (ouch!). The Bible warns us against “coarse jesting,” which is trying to be funny but doing so in a crude or rude manner (see Ephesians 5:4).
I have known several people in my life who can be very funny, but when they are enjoying making everyone laugh, they often move into being rude instead of funny by making jokes about weaknesses or defects that some of the people have who are actually present and part of the conversation. This usually ends up with someone being offended, so it obviously is not a good choice. These are conversations that cause stress and anxiety and are provoked by people talking too much when they truly have nothing good to say. This is the type of talk I had entered into just this morning when I realized my conversation with Dave needed to change.
I saved what could have turned into a day of stress by just changing my conversation, and you can do the same thing. But it would have been even better in both of the situations had I just enjoyed the quiet and not felt the need to fill the air space with silly, useless words. I think it is quite possible to avoid a lot of our stress by just making an effort to not talk unless we truly have something worthy of being said.
I believe we’ll have greater success with this if we concentrate on what we should be saying, rather than focusing on all the things we shouldn’t say. It’s self-defeating to go around saying things like, “I shouldn’t do that… I’d better not do this…” It would be better if we took time to be mindful of God’s promises and scriptural encouragements. These are the things we can and should say. In 1 Samuel 30:6, when David was distressed, he “encouraged and strengthened” himself in the Lord. We can do the same thing! Here are a few examples from God’s Word:
• Bless everything you can possibly bless. James 3:8–10 says we have the power to bless or curse with the words of our mouth. Choose to use your words to be a blessing.
• Be thankful and say so! (see Psalm 100:4). Don’t just think about how much you appreciate someone—tell them! It will make their day… and yours.
• Be an encourager (see Hebrews 10:24–25). Make an effort to give someone an encouraging word every day. This is a practice that will change the way you view other people and yourself.
• Tell the truth! There is power in truth. Don’t listen to, or rehearse, the lies of the enemy. John 8:32 (NKJV) says, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Maybe you’ve never really thought about the words you are speaking each day. Or maybe you’ve fallen into the habit of rehearsing your problems and speaking negative, discouraging words and didn’t even know you were doing it. Whatever the case, I want to encourage you to make a fresh start today. It’s never too late to change your conversation. Use the effective tool God has given you to battle stress: your words.
Things to Remember:
You can actually talk yourself out of being joyful by using careless or reckless words.
You can talk yourself into stress.
Rather than rehearse your problems, it’s time to start reciting God’s goodness!
Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the mind and healing to the body (Proverbs 16:24).
Talking too much can disturb our peace and cause stress.
Did you know?
When cells shrink due to exposure to stress hormones, they disconnect from one another, which contributes to depression.1