CHAPTER 14
The Quickest Way to Defeat Stress
You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.
—John Bunyan
A story is told that during some of the darkest days of World War II, England was running low on coal and needed to dramatically increase its production:
Winston Churchill called together all the country’s labor leaders in order to let them know of the situation and to hopefully gain their support. At the end of his presentation, Churchill asked them to picture in their minds a parade that he knew would be held in London’s famed Piccadilly Circus after the war.
First, Churchill said, would come the sailors who fought to keep the vital sea-lanes open. Next would come the British soldiers who had come home from Dunkirk and then gone on to defeat Rommel in Africa. Then would come the pilots who had driven the Luftwaffe out of the British skies.
Last of all, Churchill said, would come a long line of sweat-stained, soot-streaked men in miner’s caps. Someone would cry from the crowd, “And where were you during the critical days of our struggle?” And from ten thousand throats would come the answer, “We were deep in the earth with our faces to the coal.”1
Something powerful happens when you serve others—when you don’t think of yourself, but you put the needs of others before your own. As this story illustrates, not all jobs are prominent. Not every person can fight on the front lines. But sometimes the most important people are the ones who serve (and many times, they are the happiest, too). They don’t always get recognized. They may not always get the credit they deserve. But the people with their “faces to the coal” don’t usually need the applause of others, because they have found something far more rewarding—the joy and deep satisfaction of helping others.
I’ve discovered that this is a vital key in reducing stress in our lives. As long as we are focused on ourselves—our problems, our concerns, our wants, our needs—stress attaches itself to all those thoughts. Obsession with self is a breeding ground for stress, pressure, and anxiety. But the moment we put the needs of another ahead of our own, stress begins to fade away. It’s nearly impossible to bless somebody else and worry about yourself at the same time. So, if you want a tried-and-true method to reduce the stress in your life… take a look around you and find someone to bless.
In Order to Love Others, You Must First…
Love always requires action. It’s not just a thing we try to get for ourselves, but instead it is an action we express to others through doing something, like sharing and serving. Love is much more than a word, or a theory—it is an action. I believe there are three very important directions God gives us concerning who to show love to.
#1: Loving God
Deuteronomy 6:5 says, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your [mind and] heart and with your entire being and with all your might.” In the New Testament, Jesus repeats this command and even points it out as the most important commandment of all (as well as loving your neighbor as yourself). (See Matthew 22:37–39.)
Many people ask me, “Joyce, how do I express my love to God?” Is it by telling Him, ‘I love You, God’? Is it by singing worship songs to Him? Is it by going to church?” These are all good things and when done out of a sincere heart, they definitely display love for God. We show God we love Him through our relationship with Him. We want to spend time with those whom we love, so it stands to reason that loving God will display itself in wanting to spend time with Him. I like the thought of “doing life with God”—including Him in everything we do and talking with Him throughout each day. Being obedient to God’s will is one of the highest forms of showing love for Him. Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will obey Me” (see John 14:15). I believe our level of obedience grows as we get to know and experience His love, goodness, and faithfulness in our lives. Our desire to follow and obey the Lord’s commandments increases as we increase our love of God.
Forty years ago, I would have said I loved God if I had been asked, but I was only somewhat obedient, so I obviously loved God only to a certain degree. As the years have gone by and I have fallen more deeply in love with Him, I have also become more obedient to Him. The two go hand in hand. I suspect I will be growing like this all of my life and so will you.
#2: Loving Yourself
It is interesting to note that when Jesus talked about the greatest commandment of all, He quoted Deuteronomy 6:5 and said we are to love God with all our heart. But many people forget that He also added the second greatest commandment: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (see Mark 12:31).
There’s something important here that I think people often miss: You cannot give away something you don’t have in you. How can you or I love someone else if we don’t even know how to love ourselves? This is why God wants us to accept ourselves, embrace our personalities and even our imperfections, knowing that although we are not where we need to be, we are making progress. Jesus died for us because we have weaknesses and imperfections, and we don’t have to reject ourselves because of them. God wants you to love yourself and enjoy how He’s made you! This is often very difficult for people to do, but it is important. God loved us enough to send Jesus to die for us, and we need to receive His love and have a healthy love for ourselves. Appreciate the fact that you are formed and fashioned by God for a special purpose and accept yourself.
#3: Loving Others
We know that we have passed over out of death into Life by the fact that we love the brethren (our fellow Christians). He who does not love abides (remains, is held and kept continually) in [spiritual] death.
1 John 3:14
This is exciting to see: Life, in this verse, is the life of God or life as God has it. That’s God’s promise to us! We don’t have to go through life as people who live and breathe but never truly live as God desires. We want to enjoy all God has for us! And the best way to do that is by serving, helping, and blessing others. When you do that, God pours out His abundant life in return! Anne Frank said it this way: “No one has ever become poor by giving.”2
Loving others is the only way to keep the God-kind of life flowing through you. God’s love is a gift to us; it’s in us, but we need to release it to others through words and actions. Left dormant, it will stagnate like a pool of water with no outlet. The act of helping others is one of the most exhilarating things I have experienced. I feel excitement stirring in my spirit and soul when I plan to do something to make someone else feel loved and cared for.
You can experience the same exhilaration just by “loving out loud.” In other words, let love be loud in your life. Do it often and aggressively. Here’s a challenge: Think of three people you know who could really use a gesture of God’s love. Then think of creative ways you can express His love to these people (if you get stuck, I’ll give you some suggestions in a moment). Now go out and do it. I guarantee you will feel a wonderful sense of fulfillment and joy afterward. Now, try that same thing every day. You may think that you don’t have time, but showing love takes only a few moments. It can be as simple as a smile, a compliment, or a genuine concern for those who are hurting.
If you will devote yourself to loving God, loving yourself, and loving others, you will experience a huge amount of blessings in your life. I encourage you to seek God about this and ask the Holy Spirit to help you grow in these three areas. He will help you overcome anything that might hinder you in the process. Remember, God is love. He loves you. And He wants you to share that love with others.
This Is Something I Had to Learn
I did it all wrong for years. And I was stressed beyond belief! I’m talking about my attitude that was focused on the thought What about me? And it came out in my behavior: If I didn’t get my way or if I was disappointed in an outcome, I just couldn’t let it go. I was constantly upset and frustrated. Frankly, I wasn’t very fun to be around.
I honestly didn’t know why I was so unhappy and frustrated until God spoke to my heart one day and said, “You’re selfish. You’ve studied My Word about spiritual warfare, faith, healing, how to succeed, having power and authority as a believer in Christ… but how much time have you spent studying about My love?”
That was the beginning of discovering that I would never be happy and have peace until I learned to love others and serve them like Jesus. One of the first messages God put on my heart to teach was titled “Tell Them I Love Them.” At first, I didn’t want to do it. I thought people already knew that. But God showed me that if people really knew He loved them and what that means, then they would live much differently than they do.
And here is the great thing: When we know and experience God’s love, we can share it with others. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone who calls themselves a Christian would really help one another and share God’s love. Think about it. There would be no gossip, no judgment or criticism, no exclusive attitudes that make others feel rejected, and people’s needs would be met much more than they are.
Thankfully, Jesus gave us very real, practical examples of how we can love the way God loves us. John 13:1 says Jesus “loved them to the last and to the highest degree.” In the following verses, He demonstrates what it means to love others like this. And it shocked the disciples. In those days, there were servants who washed people’s feet when they came to visit. It’s likely they were considered the lowliest servants in the household. Now Jesus, the Son of God Himself, got up from supper, took the servant’s towel, and proceeded to wash the disciples’ feet. His message to them was to love one another by serving others, because God wants His love to flow through us and touch other people’s lives. That means there should be nothing we think we are too good to do. In whatever manner God prompts you to serve someone, gladly do it. You never know how your act of obedience and service might affect them… and you.
Love is not just a feeling or a theory; it’s a decision we make and an action we take. It’s important for us to study what the Bible teaches about God’s love so we can learn to love like Jesus. And we have to pray for God to help us learn how to walk in love—to be a servant who “washes feet” by helping others. Ask for creative ideas concerning a variety of ways that you can show your love to others.
Treat Others the Way You Want to Be Treated
Matthew 7:12 (NIV) says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” This is critical because if we want to have healthy, joy-filled relationships with others, then we need to invest in their lives by giving them support, encouraging them, helping to meet their needs—serving them as we’re able to do it.
It’s easy to want to help people you like or those you want to impress. But when it comes to doing something for someone you don’t know or someone you don’t have a natural interest in, it can be more challenging. I also want to encourage you to be sure that you show love for and are willing to help and bless the members of your own family. Sometimes in our effort to help others, we may forget those who are of our own household. Family is very important!
I want to encourage you to read John 13 and pay close attention to what Jesus did and what He said. Spend some time studying Scriptures about God’s love and pray for Him to show you ways you can serve the people in your life. See how many creative ways God puts in your heart to “wash feet.” You’ll probably find it’s easier and simpler than you thought it would be to help make someone’s life better.
God wants us to have success and enjoy our lives. In order to truly do that, we will need to be unselfish and begin each day ready to help anyone God places in our path who is in need. When you do this, you’ll discover you’re actually more satisfied, content, peaceful, and happy than you’ve ever been in your life.
How You Can Serve, Help, and Bless Others
I asked you earlier to pray and ask God to show you some ways to serve others—after all, prayer is the most important thing you can do. I want to help you in this process, too. So I’ve put together a list of simple suggestions of ways you can serve, help, and bless people you know… and even people you don’t:
• Ask someone about a short-term goal and help them meet it.
• If you have a friend who needs to talk, take her out and listen. Just listen.
• Mow a neighbor’s lawn who is out of town or ill.
• Leave a kind note for a coworker you don’t normally get along with.
• Befriend someone at a party who looks out of place.
• Let someone go before you in line at the grocery store.
• When someone does something well, make sure you tell others about their success.
• Surprise a family you know by making them dinner and bringing it to their home.
• Look around your home and see if there are things that you could give to someone who has less than you.
• If someone asks you for a favor… do two favors.
• Be generous when you tip a server at a restaurant.
• Volunteer in your community.
• When a friend tells you how busy he is, ask if there is anything you can do to lighten his workload.
• Do your spouse’s least favorite household chore for them.
• Send flowers to a friend “just because.”
This list is just the beginning—we could probably fill an entire book with ways to serve, help, and bless others. I encourage you to pray about this list and see if God speaks to your heart about any of the things suggested here. If a friend’s name came to mind, and if you see a way to bless that person in the list above… go for it! Stress will be the last thing on your mind. You’ll be too excited about being a blessing.
Don’t Be a Martyr
We all know what a martyr is. We’ve all heard heroic stories of brave individuals who, down through the ages, have paid the ultimate price and been killed for what they believe. But there’s another kind of martyr who’s not quite as brave. I’m sure we all know one—a great and constant sufferer who’s always willing to share his or her pain with anyone who will listen. These martyrs want everyone around to feel sorry for them, loudly sharing the sacrifices they’re making in their lives.
I once knew a woman like this. She felt like a slave to her family, and she definitely had the attitude of a martyr. I have to admit, I got pretty tired of hearing her continually talk about how much she did for everyone and how little anyone appreciated her. I could tell she kept a running account of the work she was doing and comparing her work to the rewards she was (or was not) receiving for it. Eventually, she ruined her marriage and most of her relationships with her children. What a tragedy!
The “martyr trap” is such an easy one to fall into. We may even start out serving our families and friends and loving it. But after a while, our hearts begin to change and we begin to expect something in return. After all, we’re working so hard and sacrificing so much. Eventually, we no longer have the heart of a servant. We become discouraged because our expectations aren’t being met. Our attitudes sour, and we soon find out we’ve become mired in self-pity. We’ve become martyrs.
Let me tell you a little story of how this attitude can creep into our lives. Here is what happened with me…
One morning as I got up and went downstairs to make my coffee, the Lord encouraged me to make a fruit salad for my husband. Dave loves fruit salad in the morning, and I knew it would be a nice gesture for me to do this for him. He wasn’t up yet, so I had time to prepare it and then surprise him with it when he came downstairs.
The problem was I didn’t want to make him a fruit salad. I would’ve taken him a banana or an apple, but I didn’t want to take the time to cut up all the fruit, put it in a bowl, and then serve it to him. I wanted to go pray and read my Bible instead! I thought, Why should I do that for him; he doesn’t bring me my breakfast! After all, I have to study the Bible and pray in order to teach God’s Word. It’s my ministry!
Quite often when I am praying, I ask God to show me ways I can be a blessing to Dave, and yet when He answered my prayer, I didn’t want to follow His advice. Praying to be a blessing sounds spiritual and loving, but we should make sure we intend to follow through when God shows us what to do.
The fruit salad is such a little thing that it may not even seem worth mentioning, but I believe it is often the little things that we don’t do that cause some of the biggest problems in our relationships.
It’s funny how we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that spiritual activity is better than a simple act of kindness. The Lord patiently reminded me that serving my husband in this way was actually serving Him. So I obediently made the fruit salad and surprised Dave with it when he came downstairs.
Although Dave didn’t pay me back or go overboard in his appreciation, I found a joy in knowing I had obeyed God and in just being a blessing to my husband.
I wonder how much stress in marriages would be reduced if husbands and wives would be willing to show love by simply serving each other. Why not try it? Ask God to show you little things you can do to serve your spouse and then do them and watch how your spouse’s attitude toward you improves as time goes by.
I definitely love my husband, and sometimes that love is best expressed through service. Words are wonderful, but when you walk in love, your commitment must contain much more than just words. How can I truly love my husband if I never want to do anything for him? I don’t recall getting any particular reward that morning for making Dave’s fruit salad. He did thank me, but nothing spectacular happened. However, I’m sure there were rewards of peace and joy in my life that I didn’t even realize—benefits of obedience that I didn’t even see. I’m convinced we lose a lot of blessings we never even know about simply because we fail to do for others what we would like to have done for us, or we do things for people and yet we do it with a wrong attitude—the attitude of a martyr. Let’s do what we do for others without expecting anything in return, and then we will have the joy of receiving God’s reward in due time.
If your marriage or family isn’t what you would like it to be, you could literally turn it around by adopting this one principle right now. You may have been waiting for your spouse to do something for you. Maybe you have even been stubbornly refusing to be the first to make a move. Swallow your pride and save your marriage. Stop talking about all the sacrifices you make and start serving with a right heart attitude. Make them the focus, not you… and be a servant, not a martyr.
Ask for Nothing Except to Serve
As we finish this chapter, I want to share a story with you that demonstrates the value of serving and helping another…
Franklin Roosevelt’s closest adviser during much of his presidency was a man named Harry Hopkins. During World War II, when his influence with Roosevelt was at its peak, Hopkins held no official cabinet position. Moreover, Hopkins’s closeness to Roosevelt caused many to regard him as a shadowy, sinister figure. As a result, he was a major political liability to the president. A political foe once asked Roosevelt, “Why do you keep Hopkins so close to you? You surely realize that people distrust him and resent his influence.” Roosevelt replied, “Someday you may well be sitting here where I am now as president of the United States. And when you are, you’ll be looking at that door over there and knowing that practically everybody who walks through it wants something out of you. You’ll learn what a lonely job this is, and you’ll discover the need for somebody like Harry Hopkins, who asks for nothing except to serve you.” Winston Churchill rated Hopkins as one of the half dozen most powerful men in the world in the early 1940s. And the sole source of Hopkins’s power was his willingness to serve.3
Just like the source of Harry Hopkins’s power was his willingness to serve, there is power in your life for serving others. And when you do it, the results can be life changing. Joy is restored, peace reigns, stress is lowered, and God is pleased. So even though the demands in your life seem pressing today, I want to encourage you to put some of those things on the back burner and turn your attention to others. Look for ways to encourage; look for ways to bless. And you know what? When all is said and done, you might be surprised to find that you were the one who was encouraged and blessed more than anyone else.
You may be wondering why stress would be reduced if you took time to serve others. Won’t that just add to the myriad of things you already have to do? The amazing thing is that the more we have our minds on ourselves, the more stressful it becomes, but when we forget ourselves for a while and focus on what we can do for others, we find a joyful relief we may not have been expecting.
Things to Remember:
Something powerful happens when you serve others—when you don’t think of yourself, but you put the needs of others before your own.
As long as we are focused on ourselves—our problems, our concerns, our wants, our needs—stress attaches itself to all those thoughts.
Loving others is the only way to keep the God-kind of life flowing through you. God’s love is a gift to us; it’s in us, but we need to release it to others through words and actions.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” Matthew 7:12 (NIV).
When you make a list of ways to serve others, stress will be the last thing on your mind. You’ll be too excited about being a blessing.