By Francesca
Beyoncé is the spiritual leader of our time. She’s like Oprah if Oprah could twerk. And while her wisdom reaches from big topics like feminism all the way to not being ready for this jelly, Beyoncé has helped me most with solving problems of the heart.
When I couldn’t get my first boyfriend to say those three little words after a year of dating, he could at least put “Crazy in Love” on a mix CD.
Yes, kids, in my day, people listened to music via a saucer called a compact disc. And we walked six miles to school.
When my college sweetheart and I broke up in a fiery argument, he tried to get the last word by leaving a shoebox of my belongings outside my door the next morning, including such precious items as bobby pins, a hair elastic, and one plastic earring.
I thought, is this your, “Everything I own in a box to the left?” Are you trying to out-Beyoncé me? Please.
I’d already made “Irreplaceable” my new ringtone as soon as I left his dorm room.
But this most recent breakup had no pyrotechnics. To quote a poet nearly as popular as Beyoncé, we went out not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My birthday and our anniversary fell on the same day. We had planned to have a special dinner and exchange gifts. I had gotten his anniversary gift months earlier and kept it hidden in my closet, counting down the days until I got to give it to him. But when the day came, he had nothing for me. He was very sorry but didn’t have much of an explanation. He’d been really busy. He’s no good at picking out gifts. There was bad traffic that day.
It was so difficult for me to process and acknowledge that he didn’t think about me the way I thought about him, that I spent that night, my birthday, consoling him for his oversight. I still tried to fix things for another month.
After we broke up, I wondered why it had taken me so long to see the ways our relationship was uneven, and worse, why it took even longer for me to recognize that unevenness as a reason to leave.
My default is to assume I don’t deserve all that much, because I don’t need all that much. But need and deserve are two different things. Theoretically, I know I deserve good treatment, but in practice, I often feel guilty asking for things.
I never hold the men I date to the same expectations that I hold myself to. I go above and beyond for the person I love, but I don’t expect or demand that in return.
That would be high-maintenance. That would be too much to ask.
But that wouldn’t be too much for Beyoncé to ask. Beyoncé understands that if she gives her all, she can expect the same in return. She needs someone who puts her “Love on Top.”
Top, top, top, top, to-op.
And yes, I can do all the key changes (and the runs).
And I thought of another song, Beyoncé’s 2008, double-platinum hit, “If I Were a Boy.” In the song, Bey imagines herself as a man, first to indulge in all the perks of boys-will-be-boys behavior, but then vows that she would be better because she knows what it’s like to be on the other side.
What would Beyoncé do?
So I put myself in the shoes of my ideal man—not some Mr. Big fantasy, but a good man, an equal partner, the type of boyfriend I would be if I were a boy. And thinking of it that way, my next step was clear:
I needed to buy myself a birthday/breakup gift.
And it had better be sparkly.
I took my best friend to the jewelry store to help me choose it, to get a female opinion. We settled on a necklace with a short chain and a wide, horizontal pendant—it looked tribal and strong, and in fourteen-karat gold, it complemented my skin tone.
My mom and me at Beyoncé’s concert/group therapy session
Well, technically it’s only gold-plate, but I won’t know the difference.
And I pinky-swore my friend that if I backslid with my ex, I’d have to give the necklace away and take the loss.
Six months later, I still have my necklace.
And every time I wear it, I’m reminded that I deserve a man who can care for me at least as well as I can care for myself.
Or better.
Because that’s what Beyoncé would want.