By Lisa
Good news for people who live in the Philadelphia area.
We’re one of the top thirty cities with the largest number of Sugar Daddies.
Yay!
I discovered this news item recently, after in-depth investigative journalism.
In other words, somebody sent me a press release.
This would be inside information into the workings of the modern-day newspaper business, by the way. The number of journalists is shrinking, so PR companies routinely send press releases to suggest news stories to the hardy few that remain.
And to me, too.
I don’t consider myself a real journalist.
I’m comic relief to the real journalists.
Nevertheless, I receive probably one hundred emails per day addressed to me as a Women’s Interests Reporter.
Because somebody thinks Women’s Interests are different from Men’s Interests.
To be fair, they might be right, but that’s a column for another day.
I am a complete expert on Women’s Interests, but if I knew what Men were Interested in, I wouldn’t be Divorced Twice.
So to stay on point, most of the press releases are glorified ads for new beauty products, hair gels, makeups, and the like, but today I received a press release advertising a dating website that was established for Sugar Daddies who want to meet Sugar Babies, to experience the Sugar Lifestyle.
First, let’s define some terms.
A Sugar Daddy isn’t that candy you remember, which was caramel taffy on a stick, guaranteed to take out a filling.
According to the website, a Sugar Daddy is a man who is about forty-four years old, with a net worth of around $7 million.
It doesn’t matter if he is a nice person, what he looks like, or what he thinks is important in life.
He has $7 million in the piggybank, which is an acceptable substitute for everything else.
Except maybe an actual piggy.
Sugar Babies aren’t those chewy caramel taffy candies that you remember, either.
According to the website, Sugar Babies are “attractive people looking for the finer things in life.” They “appreciate exotic trips,” “a luxurious lifestyle,” and “wealthy people.”
The website doesn’t specify the age of your basic Sugar Baby.
I’m guessing she’s out of the stroller, but not by much.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure I believe that your basic Sugar Daddy is only forty-four years old.
That would be your basic Sugar Son.
Probably the ideal Sugar Couple would be a woman in a stroller and a man in a wheelchair.
To sign up for the website as a Sugar Daddy, you have to agree to “pamper Sugar Babies in return for companionship.”
If you are signing up as a Sugar Baby, you agree to “provide companionship in exchange for being pampered.”
In other words, prostitution.
Or maybe just pampering.
Or pandering.
The website suggests that you could also sign up as a Sugar Momma, but I would bet my last million bucks that there are very few Sugar Mommas.
I say this as an expert in Women’s Interests.
My bet is that most women are like me, and if I had $7 million, I wouldn’t be interested in pampering anybody but me.
My Pampers days are over.
Come to think of it, that sums it up completely.
Most women have spent their entire lives taking care of husbands, kids, dogs, then the dogs of their kids.
And in my case, the kids of their dogs.
And by the time they reach the ancient age of forty-four, which is evidently their dotage in Sugar Years, the last thing in the world that most women want to do is to keep taking care of everything in sight.
The website also defines the “Sugar Lifestyle,” in which “users are on the same page,” don’t have to “read between the lines,” and “know what they want.”
I thought it would be simpler, being called the Sugar Lifestyle.
I myself already live the Sugar Lifestyle, and it involves … Sugar.
The small print says that relationships are easier when “goals and starting points are already set forth before entering said relationship.”
How romantic.
I went to law school, which was sexier.
According to the press release, there are 2.95 Sugar Daddies per one thousand males who live in Philadelphia.
I’m kind of wondering about the leftover .05.
I seem to recall dating him.