‘Jesus, Trevor, what time is it?’
‘Six. Why?’
‘It’s very early for a call.’
‘So, you’re awake aren’t you?’
‘I mightn’t have been.’
‘You mightn’t but you are. You’ve probably already had your first cup of tea.’
‘Trevor, you’ve probably woken Helen and Daniel.’
‘Daniel’s there?’
‘Yes, long story.’
‘I have time.’
‘I don’t. It’s bloody early, it must be important, why did you call?’
‘Look, stop complaining. I’ve been up since 4 am. Sleep at my age frightens me. The less I have the better. Listen to me. A friend from the US who is in touch with a friend in the UK who is friendly with one of the judges on the Booker let it slip that you’re most likely going to be on the shortlist.’
‘Idiots.’
‘But you know what this means for you?’
‘Trouble.’
‘Sales. I’ve been here before. Shortlisters sell. Front window of every good bookshop. Book clubs. It’s very fashionable to have read all of the shortlisters.’
‘When will it be announced?’
‘Soon. A few weeks. In September, I think. Sorry, Malcolm, I don’t seem to have the date with me here.’
‘I won’t do interviews.’
‘It doesn’t matter. You’ve gone viral. Do you know what that means?’
‘Do you?’
‘Not until Zoe explained it to me. Going viral is good, Malcolm. We’re seeing an increase in sales already. You’re a meme apparently.’
‘Is that good, too?’
‘Yes. And you know what? The podcast of the radio interview has a million downloads on iTunes. I’m quoting Zoe again. She left some notes with me. She’s a good girl. Her mother is still trouble, but by giving me such a clever granddaughter she redeemed herself.’
‘Did you say a million?’
‘A million. You’ve hit a nerve, Malcolm. That awful book is just what the young want.’
‘God.’
‘They’re reprinting, too. I had a note from Graham. Ten thousand. I’m so happy we went for the high-spec hardcover. That extra cost will pay big dividends if this takes off. You might actually make some money out of this horrid little book. Wouldn’t that be a surprise.’
‘What sort of money?’
‘Proper money, Malcolm. You’ve uncovered the zeitgeist of our age. The kids love this stuff. You’re today’s Hermann Hesse. This is your Steppenwolf or Demian. You’re cool, Malcolm.’
‘Could it win?’
‘Don’t be daft. But that won’t matter. The kids like you, Malcolm. The kids! I’ll send you some examples of the memes. They’re very good. Funny. Your profile has never been this high. I personally thought your interview disgraceful. Shows how out of touch I am.’
‘I’m serious about interviews. I won’t do them. I’m busy.’
‘I don’t want you to do interviews, either. Let that first one stand. Let them get excited about it. Leave them wanting more. To them you’re an iconoclast. To them you’re a rebel, Malcolm.’
‘A rebel in a dressing gown and disposable pull-up incontinence pants.’
‘Rebels come in all shapes and sizes. Goodbye for now, Malcolm.’