The deep power of connection.
To understand why connection is so crucial to health we first have to realize that we’re a very peculiar kind of animal that has evolved to depend upon it in an unusually deep way. As a species, we’re often compared to chimpanzees. These great apes might be our closest evolutionary cousins and behave like us in ways that can seem spookily similar. But we’re unlike them in one extremely important way. Humans are incredibly cooperative. We work together. We rely on each other. We’re designed to survive and thrive by being connected to one another. This is why we feel joyful and safe when we’re getting along well with the people we share our lives with. We’re wired to feel good when we connect because connection has always been critical to our survival. These wonderful positive emotions are nature’s way of telling us we’re successful members of the human species and that things are going well.
But the stresses and strains of modern life can do great damage to these connections. In our deep evolutionary pasts we had plenty of time to keep our close relationships oiled and healthy. We’d have spent time walking to the hunt and catching up with each other on the way. We’d have chatted to our neighbors as we picked berries and prepared food. Even as recently as ten years ago, we had precious minutes at the bus stop, in the supermarket queue or in the doctor’s waiting room when we could chat to others.
Today, due to the extraordinary rise of smartphones, even those last scraps of opportunity to connect have largely disappeared. As a species, we’ve never been less connected. We go to church less, we join clubs less, we gather together in communities less. This can’t be good for us. Human connection is as important as any vitamin or nutrient.
When was the last time you struck up a conversation with a stranger?
Or asked them how their day was going?
Or complimented them on their outfit or choice of book?
And this lack of connection is having a devastating impact on our closest relationships. It’s a terribly sad fact that about 40 percent of US marriages currently end in divorce. While there are many different reasons for this, one of the most common sources I see among my patients is the simple fact that we’re all too busy. The harsh realities of modern life mean that many of us are not prioritizing time with our partners. We live in a time in which both parents typically work, the extended family is not around so much to support us and we’re continually being distracted by screens. Our relationships are under attack by our twenty-first-century lifestyles.
The following health snacks are all about improving the quality of our connections with friends, family, and partners. Just five minutes a day, on each of your Feel Better Days, spent nurturing these vital relationships can have a wonderful effect on your mood and your physical health.
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To hear to an inspiring conversation about the power of connection and community listen to my Feel Better, Live More podcast on this topic at drchatterjee.com/happypear |
THE LOVE LIST
Write down five things you love about someone close to you.
This health snack involves finding a quiet place where you can think about and write down five things you love about someone close to you. It could be your partner, child, a parent, a work colleague, your boss. You can choose a different person to write about each day or stick to the same person and write down more good things about them. When you go through the process of thinking about and then writing down the things you love about someone else, it can be deeply moving. When you write something down, the exercise tends to be more powerful, as the act of writing forces you to slow your mind a little and really process what you are thinking about.
Because humans are natural problem solvers we tend to automatically focus our attention on the negative aspects of the people we love. We might be annoyed that our partner always leaves the milk out on the counter, forgetting about all the other wonderful qualities they have. We might focus on irritating things, like one of your friends always having to choose where you go out to eat, at the same time forgetting what a good friend they are. By forcing ourselves to focus on the positive, even for five minutes, we can transform our relationships for the better.
Patients regularly report back to me that, by practicing this health snack regularly, they increase their focus and become happier, calmer, less resentful, and more patient. By looking at other people in a more compassionate frame of mind, they inevitably become better people themselves.
TEA RITUAL
Stop what you are doing and sit attentively with a friend or partner.
This health snack is about having five minutes each day in which you stop what you’re doing and prioritize your relationships. This could be your relationship with a romantic partner but could just as easily be your relationship with a roommate or a friend. At a fixed time each day, perhaps in the evening after you’ve washed the dishes, rather than mindlessly putting on the television or rushing to finish some work, put the kettle on to boil, get a teapot, and make a cup of tea together. I’d recommend you go for something herbal, as anything with caffeine in it can have a negative impact on your sleep. Having a ritual around this time helps to make it into an event, which makes it feel more meaningful and precious.
Sit down with your partner or close friend in a calm and tidy place, without the TV on or any digital devices in view. Make eye contact. Sit attentively. Talk. Not about finances or who’s taking the kids to their parties or clubs on the weekend. Find out about each other’s day. Discover what’s really going on in each other’s life beyond the superficial distractions of everyday life. Try to listen attentively. Show that you are actively listening by nodding your head. Try not to interrupt when the other person is speaking and don’t try to impose your own “solutions” to what the other person is saying. This health snack is not about solving problems, it is about listening and connecting.
Of course, you don’t have to do this in the evening. One of my patients does this health snack during her lunch break each day. She’d come to see me complaining of low mood, indifference, and not really enjoying her job. She made a plan to spend five minutes every lunch break having a cup of tea in the staff café with a work colleague she felt close to. They made a vow not to talk about work during their break. Those five minutes of connection alone had an immediate effect on her wellbeing. Within days, she was feeling happier and more content both in and out of work. I hear this outcome a lot in my practice. Ultimately, this simple health snack feeds a critical part of your body that craves daily nourishment—your heart.
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Listen to a conversation I have with the inspirational Johann Hari about the importance of meaningful human connection on my Feel Better, Live More podcast at drchatterjee.com/johannhari |
THE KINDNESS PRACTICE
Perform a five-minute act of kindness.
Recent research confirms that kindness can be incredibly beneficial for our wellbeing. Kindness can reduce pain, anxiety, and depression, and give you more energy, as well as make you happier and extend your life. One study from the Yale School of Medicine found that people who perform more acts of kindness in a day are more resilient to stress and have a more positive outlook on life.
This is why, for this health snack, I’d like you to spend up to five minutes performing a simple act of kindness. You could send one of your contacts in your phone a meaningful text telling them how much you value them or thanking them for something they’ve done, either recently or a long time ago. It could be a little note you write to your kids for when they wake up in the morning. You could pop by to say hello to an elderly neighbor on your way back home. You could strike up a conversation with the barista who made your latte and thank them for making it just the way you like it. There are infinite ways to do this, so be as imaginative as you can.
We are often so busy we don’t let the people around us know how much we value them. Doing so is so easy, it doesn’t have to cost anything, and we can give them a wonderful, warm glow that they can carry with them for the rest of the day. I often imagine how much happier the world would be if everyone in it did a small act of kindness every day. It would change everything.
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You can listen to an inspiring conversation about the importance of kindness on my Feel Better, Live More podcast, when I spoke to the Buddhist monk Haemin Sunim, at drchatterjee.com/62 |
CALL A FRIEND
Call a close friend for a catch-up.
This health snack sounds remarkably simple, but it’s amazing how little we do it. Back in the days when our brains were evolving we would connect with our friends every evening over the campfire. These days, we tend to see them only once in a while. One common complaint I hear in my clinic is that, especially when middle age and kids come along, connection with friends who might have been part of our lives for ten or twenty years can easily vanish. We see these people, who matter so much to us, sometimes once or twice a month at best, or sometimes once or twice a year.
Connecting with friends is something to do regularly and, ideally, on a daily basis. For this health snack, I want you to call a friend and have a chat, a giggle, or a catch-up. Remember, this isn’t about calling because you have to; it’s about calling because you want to. It’s got to be warm and fun.
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Listen to a thought-provoking conversation about the importance of friendship on my Feel Better, Live More podcast at drchatterjee.com/friendship |
THE LOCAL CAFÉ
Sit and enjoy your coffee while chatting to locals.
If you regularly stop off to buy coffee each morning, or have the opportunity to, perhaps you could grab yourself five minutes of connection time. Instead of ordering to-go, enjoy your drink while sitting in. Use the time to strike up a conversation with other regulars.
When I used to pop into my local café every day before work, I would bump into the same people and end up chatting to them for a few minutes every morning. It would be a great way to start each day and it soon became something that I really looked forward to.
It doesn’t have to be a café, of course; it could be any social space you attend regularly.
CASE STUDY
Last summer, a patient of mine, Brian, told me he was worried that he and his wife were no longer having much sex. Their relationship was otherwise fine and they were still attracted to each other, but somehow it just never seemed to happen. This was having a negative effect on his mood. When we dug into what was going on in their daily lives, I heard a story that comes up time and time again in my clinic.
I love modern technology as much as the next person. One of the many problems it creates for us, however, is that it’s become so efficient at entertaining us and giving us exactly what we want, our poor human partners can’t compete. Part of the change has been the extent to which tech platforms are able to get to know us personally and recommend the next news story or YouTube channel or Netflix film with such accuracy. This means we can jump into a world of fun and distraction that’s been designed specifically for us wherever and whenever we like. Brian and his wife would arrive home from work, get on their laptop or tablet, then disappear into their individually curated digital worlds. The same thing is happening to couples all over the world. My wife and I are often guilty of it. When we’re with the people we love, we’re often not present any more.
I suggested that he and his wife get into the habit of doing a short Tea Ritual every evening. The next time he was in the city he bought a special teapot and some beautiful little Japanese cups and splashed out on some good mint tea. After dinner he and his wife would clean the kitchen, stack the dishwasher and then sit together, prepare and drink the tea, and just chat, face to face. No devices, no radio, no TV, just him and her together in the quiet.
It was only when they started their Tea Ritual that they realized how little quality time they’d been spending together. “It was almost as if we had to get to know each other all over again,” he told me. Once they started talking to each other and asking how each other’s day had been, they connected more, then started teasing and flirting with each other in a way they hadn’t done since before the kids came along. Their relationship became romantic again and then more sexual. Soon, a beautiful Ripple Effect (page 25) began to transform other areas of their life. They were more focused at work, less reactive with their children and happier in themselves and their marriage. And it all started with that little cup of mint tea.