Chapter 2
DEBT-DEFYING DUOS
Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.
TIMOTHY KELLER, THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE
LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY, when I wasn’t a queen but a mere maiden, Brian did something so subtle, so simple that neither of us could have imagined its significance. In fact, he barely remembers the occurrence today.
We were on our second date. As we entered the auditorium at the movie theater, Brian gently put his hand on the small of my back and led me to our seats. Truth be told, Brian hadn’t initiated any physical contact before then, not even elementary-school-style handholding. Yet his touch felt as natural as if he had done it a thousand times before. Funny, lightly touching my back doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but it sent both chills down my spine and a message to my brain that this young man was different. You see, he was leading me.
He wasn’t guiding me with a push. His touch was gentle, and I could have easily broken away if I’d so desired. Brian didn’t force me into a seat. He didn’t say, “Sit down, woman, and like it!” Nope, he just gently and quietly led me to our destination.
Flash forward seven or eight years. Once again, he was the one who quietly led us into our debt-slaying journey. He didn’t bark orders or push me into something I didn’t understand. He led with a gentle hand to the small of my back, asking nonthreatening questions like
- Would you read this book?
- Could we talk about our finances?
- What would we do if we didn’t have to worry about payments?
- How could having extra money to give change our world and the world around us?
Steadily and surely, he led our family out of the darkness and into the light. He led with humility and hard work. He led with an amazing example and kind words. He led with the willingness to listen and receive feedback. He led with creativity and an eye toward where we excelled and where we could improve. All the while, his hand was there, reassuring me that we would be okay, that this path led to freedom, and that the joy tomorrow would be worth the sacrifice today.
Now don’t misunderstand me: To slay the debt dragon, you do not need to be married. You are certainly capable of paying off all of your debt, with or without a spouse. But if you are married, you both need to be behind this effort from the get-go. You must be committed to work together to pay off your debt. Otherwise, even if you are successful in such a mammoth task without the support and participation of your spouse, more than likely your marriage will be over soon after you slay the debt dragon. If you and your spouse don’t yet agree on the necessity of paying off your debt, don’t despair. Committing yourselves equally to this endeavor is a process —and one that probably neither of you saw coming on your wedding day.
I don’t know any couple who began their life together dreaming about ways they could fall into or dig themselves out of debt. When I walked down the aisle, all donned in lacy white, such thoughts were far from my heart. I could see only stars and rainbows, puffy hearts and the letters M-r-s in front of my new name.
Looking back, it’s clear that the key Scripture reading at our wedding was downright prophetic, though I didn’t see it at the time:
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, NIV)
I had long loved this passage for its beauty and turn of phrase, for the symbolic image of the binding of two souls with God in a three-strand cord. When those words were read as Brian and I stood at the front of the sanctuary, the idea of the two of us becoming one sounded enchanting —something straight out of a fairy tale.
You know what happened, right? A week, a month, a year, nearly a decade into our relationship, those old notions of romance were overrun with dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and all our mundane household tasks. We needed more than rainbows and stars to hold our marriage and our faith together. If we were going to pay off debt successfully, we needed more than puffy hearts, too. Brian and I had to unite, ready to help each other do what was necessary to get our finances under control. And we had to look to the third strand —God Himself —to keep us knitted together on the days when we disagreed or were discouraged.
How did we get there? You may recall from chapter 1 that Brian was ready to take on the challenge of getting out of debt before I was. That may seem like an odd reality for the Queen of Free to admit. Yet it’s true. But before you think me to be a complete grouch and naysayer, consider this: I wasn’t antagonistic about it. And I certainly wasn’t happy about having so much debt. No one says, “When I grow up, I want to have over $100,000 in debt!” or “I’m overjoyed to have such a heavy financial burden hanging from my neck. It’s swell!” At the same time, I couldn’t wrap my head around exactly how we would ever pay it off. After all, I picked up the groceries, bought the girls’ clothes, and paid the bills. I knew we were barely making ends meet. There seemed to be so very little wiggle room in our current situation —and the last time I checked, $127K was a whole lot of coin. Where was all of that money going to come from?
In fact, Brian had to wait two long years after first reading The Total Money Makeover before I was ready to commit to kicking debt in the teeth with him. I know he must have been frustrated at times. If you’re in the same position —alarmed by your debt and poised to wage war against it while your spouse resists —I sympathize. If you have a gung ho spouse who’s ready to dive in and yet you’re dragging your feet —I understand. Waging war against debt is oh-so-discouraging when the vision for finances in your marriage is not the same for both spouses.
If you’re the one who is so excited about the potential of slaying your own debt dragon that you’ve already outlined fifteen steps your family can take to begin this journey, I have one piece of advice: slow down. Remember when your parents forced you to clean your room as a little kid? Remember how long it took you? How you hated every single second that passed on the clock because you wanted to be outside running through the sprinkler, not picking up your toys? Forced debt-slaying journeys are no different. Sure, the job might get done in the long run, but no one will have any fun, and you might end up in the exact same place once again, both reluctantly cleaning up a mess.
Getting your husband or wife on board to pay off debt may have more to do with what you don’t do than what you do.
{Callout 2.1}
Interestingly, getting your husband or wife on board to pay off debt may have more to do with what you don’t do than what you do. Here’s what I know won’t work:
Nagging. Ever build a vinegar-and-baking-soda volcano for the science fair? If baking soda is your current financial situation, then vinegar is your nagging. You might get a result, but more than likely it will be an unpredictable explosion that will make a big mess all over the floor. No one ever did anything willingly due to a nag. Nagging builds up resentment in a relationship. It kills intimacy. It leads nowhere good, very quickly. Quit it. Now.
Disregarding your spouse’s knowledge. If you have no idea how much milk costs per gallon, you shouldn’t set the grocery budget. If you have never purchased shoes for your child, you shouldn’t decide what should be spent on a pair of new kicks. If you have never looked at the electric bill during the month of July when the air conditioner runs nonstop, you shouldn’t have an opinion on how much is “about right” to budget for utilities.
Does this mean that you check out and have no voice in the budgeting process at all? Absolutely not. What it does mean is that both spouses should be active participants in decision making. The managing of joint household finances is pursued one day at a time, one expense at a time. Your spouse may not know how much it really costs to run your household. Don’t angrily give him or her the “what for.” Instead, share receipts, shop together, and look at bank statements together. Also, realize that there’s always room for improvement, even in your personal finance practices. You might need to see where milk is the most inexpensive this week. Is there a coupon for those shoes? Do they really need to be name brand? Is your air conditioner clean so it runs efficiently? In a spirit of kindness and with the aim of unity, ask if you don’t understand an expense; likewise, explain an expense that your spouse doesn’t understand.
The managing of joint household finances is pursued one day at a time, one expense at a time.
{Callout 2.2}
Bringing up Kool-Aid stuff. I’m not sure when this phrase originated in our household, but we deemed “Kool-Aid stuff” the act of rehashing “we thought they were already resolved” issues —especially those surrounding money —during a fight. Those disagreements happened so long ago, it was like we were little kids drinking Kool-Aid, sitting on the steps. We learned to let the problem or conflict at hand stand alone. With everything that is within you, resist the urge to bring up problems of the past. You know you are treading in Kool-Aid waters when you hear words like “You said you wouldn’t __________ again.” Or “This is just like last time when you __________.” Whenever you sit down to discuss finances, focus only on the present situation.
Forcing change. Often when we so passionately have a vision for our future, we begin to press hard in an attempt to manipulate others into doing what we want them to do. Strong-arming change might yield a short-term effect that pleases you, but it will never lead to long-term harmony.
Let’s just say, for instance, that “someone” wants everyone in her household to be more intentional about taking their laundry to the laundry room. Said individual (who may or may not have red hair) could angrily huff and puff about how no one ever does anything to help around this place, with her harsh words leading everyone to fear her footfall. Her family quickly picks up their unmentionables and soggy towels just to get her to close her mouth. There is short-term relief through a forced change. However, the overall vision of why laundry must be placed in the proper receptacles is not delivered. Tomorrow, the same pattern recurs. Dirty laundry. Angry redhead. Fearful children. Baskets filled. Until the passion for an effective laundry system is shared by all, there will be only insanity and no harmony in our this random red-haired woman’s home.
Going radio silent. When we really want to exact revenge on someone, many of us will shut down and say nothing at all. Of course, that always causes us more harm than the people we intend to injure. One of Brian’s favorite quips is “The death of communication is the birth of resentment.”[7] Don’t use silence as a weapon; if you do, you will begin to resent each other. In fact, you must attempt to overcommunicate with your spouse while paying off debt. Keep a tone of love in your words and monitor them carefully.
“The death of communication is the birth of resentment.”
{Callout 2.3}
Maybe you’ve avoided every single one of my “what not to do” traps. Maybe every word that trickles from your mouth is seasoned with love. Maybe you’re so kind and loving to your spouse, even though he or she remains resistant to change, that your neighbors have built a shrine to your sainthood. Or maybe not.
It may sound like a cliché or a spiritual Band-Aid, but if your spouse is resistant or even downright hostile when it comes to finances in your marriage, have you considered praying? I know firsthand that God is bigger than money. His power to change hearts reaches far beyond our meager efforts. Wouldn’t you rather see God, not you, change your husband’s or wife’s heart and mind about debt?
If your spouse isn’t yet on board, get on your knees —not to beg your spouse to follow your plan but to ask God to draw him or her to His best plan for your lives and to give him or her a vision that extends far beyond your checkbook or savings account. One of the prayers in our marriage has always been, God, please bring the changes You want in my spouse. If You don’t change my spouse, then change me.
[Insert Debt-Slaying Story 2.1 somewhere between here and the end of the chapter.]
From Frugality to Freedom
I want to pause for just a moment and chat with those of you who might still be a little resistant to the idea of taking on the debt dragon. Maybe you feel frightened. After all, changing the way you spend money (or don’t spend money) is scary. Perhaps you feel your spouse values money more than he or she values you. Or it could be that you are much like I was —you simply don’t see how it’s possible. Deep down you may fear the perceived scarcity that such a major life overhaul will bring. These are all valid fears. I’ve been there and done that with worry as deep as the ocean, times fourteen.
At times during our journey, I felt like frugality equaled scarcity. (Ever notice how similar sounding the words scarcity and scary are?)
Frugal —the very word can make us shudder. Believing we lack essentials or will miss out on something is terrifying. The fear of scarcity empties shelves before snowstorms and causes fistfights on Black Friday. We buy into the lie that someone else will purchase our something special and we will be left sad and lonely. Operating from a mind-set of scarcity will create an enormous vacuum in our souls. To fill that void, we begin to reach for anything or anyone to stuff inside the empty space. Wildly, we scrape and scratch at people, things, hobbies, or addictions —anything to take the edge off the fear that we’ll be left with nothing.
Living simply is sweet for your soul. It’s a pursuit you can delight in and enjoy.
When beginning to learn how to live with less, fearing frugality is pretty common. So it might surprise you to discover that the word frugal originates from the Latin word frui, which means “to enjoy, profit by, delight in.” It’s the same root from which we draw words like fruit, fructose, and fruition. Living simply is sweet for your soul. It’s a pursuit you can delight in and enjoy.
Callout 2.4
There were so many times in our debt-slaying journey when my eyes shifted toward our lack instead of our abundance. Signing on to Facebook, I’d see friends on vacation or at the movies or at a new restaurant. It was easy to enviously imagine myself in their shoes or throw myself a grand pity party because my family couldn’t afford to do the same. I had to learn to fight that urge —to realize that I was bound for more than temporary fun or trendy pleasures.
The best thing I learned to do when scarcity filled my soul with fear was to reach toward Jesus. He came to proclaim the Good News that we will never be left alone, sad, and with nothing. Certainly, even when you have a relationship with Christ, you will still encounter fear at times. But can I be straightforward with you about the fear of scarcity that tends to develop once you wage war against debt? The truth is, if you are successfully going to pay off debt, you will go “without” from time to time.
But let’s be honest, friends: Going without dining at a restaurant is not the same as going without food. Going without a vacation is not the same thing as going without a bed to sleep in at night. On a morning when the high temperature is predicted to be -11°F, I’m very much reminded that going without a cute new coat is not the same thing as going without heat in my home. In fact, going without something while you pay off debt just might be the key for drawing you closer to the Creator of the universe, knowing that you and your family will be not only okay, but well cared for and even lavished with great love. It’s really all about how you look at whatever you already have. Put off the old eyes of looking at the world with that scarcity lens and put on your new frugal eyes, realizing there is plenty to enjoy within your home and even to share with others.
You or your spouse may not overcome your fear of scarcity overnight; however, recognizing and discussing it could bring you closer together. Whether you are united in your desire to overcome your debt or still at odds about what that means, invite God into your battle. When you do, you will be able to tap into His power and strength —though not in the way I expected when we started our fight.
In the early days, I begged and pleaded with God to make our debt go away. Surely He could send us a miracle check or a mysterious windfall. It never happened. Did that mean God didn’t answer my prayers? Highly unlikely.
God used both prayer and the experience of paying off debt not just to change our finances, but to change my heart. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen quickly. Turns out, I’m a pretty tough nut to crack. Contentment can still evade me. Greed and envy find a playground in my soul more often than I’d care to admit. Sometimes my thoughtlessness can result in not saving as much as I could. I’m far from where I should be, but I’m not where I once was either.
Taking On the Dragon
Willingness to lead (not shove) and to be led (not pulled along) are crucial mind-sets for married couples who are working to get out of debt. At times, each of you will exhibit strengths neither of you knew you had. Sometimes, one person will lead while the other one steps back, tired from the daily struggle. The next day, your roles may be reversed. What’s essential is that neither of you push or push back, but rather that you work together.
{Insert Sidebar 2.1 here}
And it’s not all hard work either. Yes, personal finance is filled with cold, hard facts —columns, balances, and numbers all must be a part of your debt-slaying journey —but it also presents the opportunity for couples to dream together.
By now you know that one of the best things Brian did was to encourage me to imagine what our lives could be like without debt. What would it be like if we didn’t have that car payment? What if our student loans weren’t hanging around our necks like a heavy, rusty chain? What change might we bring to our family or our world if we weren’t stretched so thin? Dreams motivate us. They give us a piece of the future to hold on to when the present seems too frightening.
Dreams motivate us. They give us a piece of the future to hold on to when the present seems too frightening.
{Callout 2.5}
In fact, visualizing your future may be just as vital as aggressively crunching numbers. Brian and I also found it immensely motivating to visualize our present. Here’s what that looked like for us. To this day, we keep two insanely important pieces of family history magneted to the side of our refrigerator. Intentionally placed, we can see them every time we walk in or out of our home. Both were incredibly important in our journey of paying off $127K. If our house were on fire, I would honestly try to grab them on the way out.
The first is a stack of bills. Every single time we paid off a debt, we wrote the date on the final bill and then clipped it to the other paid-off bills. As the stack grew, we could visually see the change in our lives. We could leaf back through our journey. We could see the totality of our efforts. Pinned to the final document is a little button that says, “To Have More, Desire Less,” a paraphrase of a G. K. Chesterton quote.[8] It reminded us that we had all we needed and we would be okay in the midst of battling the debt dragon. Glance at the cover of this book. See all of those papers flying up in the air? Those are the final statements that had been added to the pile on our refrigerator. That photo was taken the day we paid our last debt. We could not recreate the look of relief in our eyes even if we tried. But we picked the papers back up and clipped them to the side of the fridge again, even after that day.
The other document is a single sheet of notebook paper. Its edges are worn, and you can even see the scraggly evidence of where it was once spiral bound. Marked with coffee stains (oops) and scratch math, it is a running total of the debt we paid off. Dates and sums filled the lines and then began to make their way around the edges of the paper. Whenever we felt discouraged, we pulled out that sheet and marveled at the miracle that God had worked in our finances. Things once were so different than they were now.
Other couples may choose to document their path out of debt differently. Maybe you’ll draw a giant thermometer and shade in the numbers as you pay off your bills. Maybe you’ll pin those bills to a dartboard. Pull out your pencil and mock up a spreadsheet. Or draw a dragon. Whatever it takes for your journey to come alive before you, do it. I promise that if you do, on the days when you want to quit, you’ll be able to remember how far you’ve come and why you still need to soldier on.
Being out of debt means so much more than being free from debtors. You will be able to give away more than you’ve ever given before. You will live without the worry of whether or not you have enough to “make it.” You are endeavoring for more than just getting your finances under control. You are engaged in a soul-shaping process that leads to less malcontent and more gratitude for what you already have, to less fear of scarcity and more peace in Christ.
Debt-Slaying Strategies
Take at least five minutes to pray for financial unity in your marriage right now.- Brainstorm four ways to encourage your spouse.
- Focus on what you have instead of letting scarcity steal your joy. List three gifts that remind you that you aren’t really “going without” while paying off debt. Breathe words of gratitude for those blessings.
- Create a visual that will help fuel your debt-slaying journey.