Chapter 8

OF PRINCES AND PRINCESSES

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

DEUTERONOMY 6:5-9, NIV

FEAR FLOODED MY heart in the hours before I gave birth to the Princess Eldest. Quiet questions of self-doubt crept in and rocked my soul. What if I don’t love her? How can I love someone I have never even seen before? Will I be an awful mother? Within seconds of hearing Anna’s little cries and seeing her precious face (not to mention the locks of beautiful red hair upon her tiny head), the first two questions vanished. The third question? It lingers most days, especially when I fall short of my own expectations.

Yet of all the gifts that God has bestowed upon me, our two children are the greatest. I can never whisper “Thank You, Jesus” enough for them. They have taught me more about life, myself, and God’s fierce love for His children than anyone else on the planet.

Indeed, children are a gift in a family. They bring laughter and joy. They can also bring tears and frustration. They hold up a mirror to our hearts, reflecting the best and worst parts of who we truly are. If we allow Him to, God will use our children to whittle away at the rough edges surrounding our souls, refining us as His sweet children. I’m certain we bring laughter and joy, tears and frustration to Him as well.[41]

You know what else children are? Expensive.

Having children costs money from the second they’re conceived in your womb. Doctor’s visits. Delivery costs. Car seats. Diapers. Clothes. Random contraptions like that little rubbery aspirator —which we always referred to as the “boogie sucker.” And those are just some of the expenses that crop up during the first year of life.

The day we discovered we were pregnant with Anna, Brian and I made the rookie mistake of going to a baby superstore. We stood in sheer amazement at the number of gadgets, gizmos, and baby safety products we would need to purchase. What kind of parents would we be without all the modern conveniences to make sure our offspring was brilliant, safe, and felt loved?! (Note: If you are a first-time parent, never go to such a place on the day you discover you are expecting. You will avoid the heart attacks we both nearly had. When you do go to register for a baby shower, be sure to take an experienced parent with you. I promise that you can raise a brilliant, safe, and well-loved infant with about one percent of the stock at the baby superstore. People have been raising babies for millennia without high-end cloth diapers and fancy wipe warmers.)

Just after you’ve weathered the storms of baby gear, wellness checkups, diapers, formula or baby food, and preschool tuition, you begin to blaze the path toward elementary school. “Finally!” you exhale. “No more huge expenses!” Not so fast . . . enter braces, glasses, sports physicals, book fees, field trips, and shoes. (Do you know how many pairs of shoes your children are about to chuck through at a rapid pace?) Don’t even get me started on the volume of food that teenagers consume or college tuition; let’s just agree there are unanticipated and regular expenses that come along with every age.

CNN Money estimates that it will cost an average of $241,080 to raise a child born in 2012 through high school.[42] That is some serious coin, Lords and Ladies. Though that number may include some special activities and items we want our kids to enjoy, the majority of expenses are truly necessary. The wonderful, redemptive news is that special times like birthdays and back-to-school shopping trips do not need to break the bank. In addition, they provide the perfect platform to teach your children about the practice of budgeting and using money wisely.

Keep that in mind as you begin or persevere on your debt-slaying journey. Your belt tightening will provide your children with many real-life lessons that can help them avoid your financial missteps and blunders.

[Insert Debt-Slaying Story 8.1 between here and end of chapter]

Beware the Parent Traps

Though you may know in your mind that getting your finances under control will help everyone in the long run, that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to help your children understand why you’re no longer able to do or buy what “everyone else” does.

Mommy and daddy guilt

When Brian and I contemplated our finances and realized that paying off debt would mean sacrifice, not just for us, but for our girls, too, I must admit that I had more than a twinge or two of guilt. Why should they have to pay for our stupidity? Why should they have to settle for less than what everyone else has? I firmly believe that questions like these are from the enemy, designed to paralyze us.

Yet those doubts emanate from a good place. We all love our children. We long to give them good gifts. I think it’s a reflection of the Creator God within us, a mark of His image. After all, Matthew 7:9-11 says: “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”[43]

When stretched too far, this very good gift of wanting to give our kids bread and fish rather than stones and snakes can twist our thinking and become a trap.[44] We actually begin to believe the lie that our children needn’t suffer or reduce their lifestyles to “pay” for our financial missteps.

It’s a bleak truth, but make no mistake: your children will pay for your money mistakes. Perhaps they won’t have name brand jeans or the newest gaming system while you are paying off debt. Maybe your family won’t be able to take that dream vacation. But consider the alternative. Let’s say you forgo paying off debt and decide to do all of the above and then some. More than likely, your children will be saddled with the responsibility of taking out loans to pay for college or even caring for your financial needs when you are old and unable to work. It’s a penny now, a pound later. Or said another way, it’s a one-week vacation this year and years of financial burden for them when they have families of their own. Your children will end up in the very same place where you stand right now.

DEBT-SLAYING DUO

BOB AND SUELLEN, 48 AND 46

PARENTS OF KATIE, 15; GLENN, 11

PAID OFF $98,607

Each stage of raising children has its own unique financial challenges. Raising teenagers brings a host of expenses, as Bob and Suellen know firsthand. Their children are involved in many activities. But this family admits that the greatest hidden costs came from dining out frequently. “Because we were always running our teen somewhere, getting fast food had become a necessity of life. Having the discipline to prepare meals at home that could be eaten on the go was very challenging.” In spite of this potential roadblock, the couple still paid off over $98K in twenty-one months.

Why slay the debt dragon?

Over the years, Bob and Suellen had cycled in and out of debt. However, as their children began to get older, the realities of saving for college and retirement set in for this pair. They knew that they wanted to provide a secure future for their family and that debt was preventing them from that dream. They had nothing saved. “We had lacked the discipline to change our habits. But middle age came, and we realized that we had to get serious about planning for our future.”

What surprised them most about paying off debt?

Once they committed to eliminating debt, Bob and Suellen were shocked at how quickly the process actually went. Along the way they learned they could do without all sorts of things they’d once viewed as standard necessities.

What was most challenging?

As this duo began their debt-slaying journey, they struggled (as many married couples do) to decide where to begin cutting back. The more Bob and Suellen learned to work together, the less stress played a role in their marriage. Unforeseen surprise expenses cropped up a number of times as they pursued their goal, but through consistent communication and a shared dream, they learned how to handle those setbacks —together.

How did they celebrate?

In the two years before even embarking on their debt-slaying journey, the family had refused to finance a vacation on credit cards. They finally took a trip to celebrate being free from debt —their first “real vacation” in four years.

Their encouragement and advice for you

Bob and Suellen offer three essential pieces of wisdom. “First, no matter how bleak it seems, you can get out of debt if you stick to it, every single day. Second, set good ground rules up front as a couple so that making decisions along the way is easier during challenging times. Finally, bring God into your challenge and let Him lead, seek His wisdom, and listen intently to His guidance.” Celebrating success was essential in this couple’s story. “Go back and look at your successes to see how far you have already come. Look for new ways to pay off bills and be creative in your pursuit. If all else fails, look for one small victory you can obtain in the next thirty days, and make sure you accomplish it.”

How has paying off debt changed their marriage?

With less stress in their lives, Bob and Suellen are better able to make wise financial decisions together. They feel better prepared to handle whatever life throws their way, commenting, “Paying off debt has brought a peace to our marriage so that we are focused on things other than money.”

The truth is, however, that your children will not suffer while you are paying off debt —not really. Just consider the distribution of wealth on our planet. Rather than suffering, they will continue to enjoy many “luxuries” that children all over the world don’t have. Things like shoes, a bed, electricity, and running water are gifts.

The monster under the bed

If your kids are young, you may assume you can shield them from your financial choices. After all, they can’t possibly grasp the complexity of personal finance, right? Wrong.

Here’s what I know about your children. They are incredibly intuitive and smart, and they come from a good gene pool. After all, they have parents who read books and want to make good decisions about their finances. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your kids don’t already know that you have problems with money. They do.

They have heard you admit to your spouse that you don’t know how much is in your checking account. They have seen the glance of disapproval when you or your spouse made an outlandish purchase. They have heard the commonplace rejoinder of “We don’t have enough money for that vacation (or appliance or restaurant or . . . ).” They may even have heard you fight about your finances. No matter how quietly you think you are whispering, they hear you.

Kids are savvy. They pick up on way more than we think they do. They comprehend body language, innuendo, and hushed tones. Not only that, but kids are also ridiculously imaginative. The smallest of situations can become a full-blown nightmare in the mind of a child. I like to call this the “monster under the bed syndrome.” Even a minor financial crisis is complete and utter destitution in the eyes of a child, if not explained properly.

Kids are savvy. They pick up on way more than we think they do.

{Callout 8.1}

Remember 2008, when the housing bubble burst? Nearly every single news report heralded problems on Wall Street and on Main Street. Anna was in kindergarten at the time. I remember her rushing to the picture window and staring out into the road with heightened alarm. Trembling, she wanted to know what sort of trouble was happening on Main Street. You see, we live on Main Street. A journalist’s shocking metaphorical headline was a very real risk in her five-year-old imagination.

We stifled a giggle but took her concern very seriously. We didn’t ignore her. We didn’t laugh out loud (until later). Instead, we explained that there were very real problems in the nation’s financial situation. Those problems stemmed from people borrowing money that they couldn’t pay back. It was the perfect platform to teach her about our own freshly initiated journey away from accumulating debt. While we gave an elementary explanation of the current economic crisis, we also explained that she could be a part of the solution to our personal crisis.

Right on the Money

This is why it is incredibly important to regularly discuss your debt-slaying journey with your children from the very beginning. Of course, you want to use age-appropriate vocabulary and avoid scaring the living daylights out of them. But your discussion of finances should be a natural occurrence in your day-to-day life.

So much of what we do each day revolves around money. There are ample opportunities to open a discussion without having some sort of formal, sit-down talk that’s uncomfortable for all of you. Let your conversation flow naturally and freely from what you are currently doing, and always look for an opportunity to provide an explanation.

Every time we go grocery shopping, I attempt to use the mundane task to teach both girls a number of lessons about money. On the ride to the store, I share with them our target budget for the trip. They help cross items off the list as we’re shopping. For the past couple of years, Anna has taken over the duty of keeping a running total of our purchases on a calculator app. Not only does she help keep me on budget, but she has also begun to absorb knowledge of the prices of foods we regularly purchase. On some trips, I allow them each two dollars of the budget so they can choose a favorite food (within limits —no one is buying a big bag of candy) for the week. This little challenge helps both girls to own a part of our daily money experience.

I’ll be honest. Sometimes I just want to go to the store by myself. I don’t want to deal with requests for junk food or outside purchases. However, a small investment of my time during the natural flow of our day is gradually teaching both of our girls how to handle money well and live within limits.

As much as you can, talk about biblical principles for finance while you sit at home —during meals, when helping with homework, while playing games, or while reading the Bible or other books together. Talk about money when “you walk along the road” —in the car, at the grocery store, while you’re waiting at the doctor’s office, before guitar lessons or soccer practice. Don’t forget to talk about the importance of contentment, gratitude, and an abundant life “when you lie down and when you get up.”[45]

Recognize that your child may have some interesting theories about where money comes from and how it is used. No matter how much we wish it were so, we need to dispel our kids’ mistaken impression that cash is something you can just “get” anytime you pull up to the ATM. It’s not a magical money contraption or carnival game. Nor does having the money in savings mean you buy whatever you want whenever you want it. To help them better understand the scope of your family’s responsibilities, you may want to introduce a basic financial vocabulary into your household. Explain words like mortgage, debt, and checking account and the difference between debit and credit. Begin at square one, assuming they know little or nothing about how money should be handled.

When we embarked on our own debt-slaying adventure, we were very up front with our girls. I guess I should say “girl” because the Princess Youngest was an infant and probably didn’t understand what we were saying. The Princess Eldest was five years old and completely capable of comprehending the basics. We explained that we were going to pay off debt and that our lifestyle would be greatly reduced. That meant we wouldn’t be eating out at restaurants or buying toys “just because.” We would need to sacrifice as an entire family. We set family goals for paying off debt.

Some Days

August 2011 blog post

Some days,

Some days,

Some days,

Some days,

I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. (Philippians 4:11-13)

{Sidebar 8.1}

I remember throwing a big boohoo pity party for myself not long after that. Maybe it was mommy guilt; maybe I was using my girls as an excuse to feel sorry for myself. But I remember wallowing in my own filth and thinking, We’re never ever going to have fun anymore. We won’t be able to go to the children’s museum. We won’t be able to go to the zoo. We won’t go to art museums. We won’t be able to do all of those fun things that enrich the lives of families and boost the intelligence of children.

I was sure my children were doomed to be dolts, living in a colorless, no-fun world. These sentiments must have brought a chuckle from the lips of the Divine. For a mere six months later, after plenty of faithful daily sacrifice and frugal living, I found myself in the offices of the nearest major metropolitan convention and visitor’s association. After interviewing me, they told me they wanted to pay me to write about taking my family on really awesome adventures throughout the city.[46] I jumped at the opportunity and took the job. If not for the relationships I developed while blogging about our debt-slaying journey, we would have missed the opportunity to do some of the oddest and most fun activities together. From sitting front row at an NBA game to meeting Jared Fogle from Subway to flying in a World War II plane upside down over Lake Michigan, I quickly discovered my pity party had been unwarranted.[47]

One of our first big milestones would be paying off the $16,500 balance on one of our credit cards. When we had paid off most of the balance, we decided that once we eliminated it completely, we would celebrate by going to a nearby indoor water park for the weekend. Not long afterward, the Princess Eldest, who was then in second grade, went with me to Target. While we were there, something caught her eye. (It was so radically important that neither of us can remember what it was now.) I do remember her saying, “I really would like to have that, but I’d much rather go to Great Wolf Lodge.” It was one of those parenting “Yes!” moments, complete with the fist pump. For a year and a half I’d been explaining and reminding and reinforcing the lessons of delayed gratification and sacrifice, all to reach a greater goal. In that moment, I knew my daughter’s heart had changed and a ray of light had broken through.

If you explain your current situation in a positive way and with an attitude of “and we need your help,” more than likely your children will be ready to jump into the journey with you. No, they’re not always going to understand why you can’t dine out or buy that toy or go on vacation or give them a cell phone or why you aren’t like everyone else. However, your excitement and joy for your journey can be contagious.

On the contrary, if your attitude about your current financial situation stinks, your child will be a mirror image of you. If you are throwing a pity party, don’t be surprised when they bring the “noisemakers” and join in the festivities. Your children are often a reflection of your current state of being. Sometimes, they’re just cray cray because they are children. But it’s always good to ask if perhaps some of the biggest challenges with your children are due to the inclination of your own heart. (Man, I hate it when I write a sentence that causes me to pause and acknowledge my own mistakes. Ouch.)

You might not get the opportunity to see your life flash before your eyes as you’re flying upside down in a 1940s-era plane, but I am convinced that once you commit to following God’s guidelines for giving, saving, and spending money, you will have many opportunities to delight in ways that He provides for even your smallest and most inconsequential needs. You will begin to look for His lovingkindness in an amazing, wildly adventurous family treasure hunt. Yes, there will be sacrifice, but it doesn’t have to be suffering unless you term it so.

My friends Bob and Suellen saw God draw their family closer during their debt-slaying journey too. With their daughter heading off to college in just a couple of years, their number of potential family vacations seemed to be vanishing before their very eyes. Yet they knew they wanted to persist in their journey. Instead of diminishing their progress, or worse, accruing more debt, their family decided to have a fun and much more cost-effective “staycation.” For a week solid, they looked for exciting and low-cost activities in their own backyard. From hiking at a beautiful park (free!) to a minor league baseball game (made much more affordable by great coupons), this family became tourists in their own city every day of the week. They saved money on hotel costs and boarding the dog by staying at home and gained the experience of visiting places they might have missed otherwise. At the end of the week everyone agreed that it was the very best vacation they had ever taken. What could have easily turned into a pity party —“We never get to vacation now that we’re paying off debt” —was transformed into a unique experience that knit this sweet family closer together.

“I don’t think we would have ever planned a vacation like that if we hadn’t been trying to pay off debt,” Suellen said to me. They would have missed both the staycation adventure and the opportunity to deepen their relationships.

But What about Birthdays?

I love nothing more than a celebration —especially birthdays. When mine comes around, the King of Free blesses me with seven whole days to celebrate. He calls it “the seven days of Cherie.” I get a gift each day. #Swoon. I know what you are thinking. I thought you people were frugal! How frugal is it to give seven birthday gifts? Mind you, while the gifts are wonderful and filled with much thought, they rarely cost a lot. In fact, the King of Free has been known to clean out a closet as a “gift.”

The year he bought me two Matchbox cars, it meant more to me than diamonds. For months, I had eyeballed the stair railing at our apartment complex. I finally told Brian that it looked like the perfect width for a Matchbox car racetrack. I shrieked with joy when I opened the package and found the toy cars. Then we sat on the stairs for what felt like hours as I rolled those little boogers down the rail and watched them smack! into the wall over and over again. (I’m sure the neighbors thought it was great.)

Bottom line, gifts don’t have to cost a lot to bring great joy or convey meaning. So before you consider launching a crowd-sourcing campaign to buy our girls all the gifts they missed out on while we were paying off our debt, I can assure you that we did take care of all their needs and even blessed them with gifts. We were, however, more deliberate about distinguishing between wants and needs.

Of course, that seems to go against current trends. Imagine exquisite and complicated themes, expensive favors, and mouthwatering catered food. No, I’m not talking about one of this summer’s hottest premiere parties or even a grand wedding. Spend three minutes on Pinterest and you’ll quickly realize that such things are now featured at your average suburban three-year-old’s birthday party. People, it’s getting a little ridiculous out there. But the good news is that you can stop the madness. The great over-the-top birthday fiasco can stop with you. Birthdays can be special without a huge price tag attached.

Here are a few of my favorite ways of saving money while celebrating our daughters’ birthdays.

Limit the number of friend fiestas. Choose to limit the number of “friend” birthday parties that you allow your children to have. We celebrate the “big” birthdays —one, five, ten, and eventually sixteen with friends; however, in the off years we celebrate only with our families or a few close family friends. Limiting the number of parties you throw cuts down on expense as well as the ugly —too much birthday monster (haven’t you read that Berenstain Bears book?[48]). Lest you think that your child will suffer incredible emotional and mental anguish from this practice, the Princess Eldest (now eleven) can barely remember her fifth birthday party. We invited a crowd of her little friends to one of those germy bounce house places. We played video games. Anna opened presents. She only “remembers” the details when we show her pictures or remind her of them.

Choose fancy napkins, plain plates. There’s no need to buy every single matching party item. Remember that the majority of those cute party decorations will be in the trash by the end of your prince’s or princess’s special day. Let your child choose his or her favorite character or theme-based napkin, and then get plain or generic coordinating plates and cups. Better yet, pick up a number of reusable items (yay for being green and saving greenbacks!) that will match a wide array of themes. Our collection of red bowls, cups, baskets, and more matches almost any theme and holiday (think Valentine’s Day, Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, Christmas).

Hire inexpensive (or free) teens. Still feel like you need an entertainment element to your party? Instead of hiring a scary and expensive clown, consider hiring your babysitter or a local high school athlete to keep the kids occupied. From baseball players to cheerleaders, from aspiring artists to garage bands, many high schoolers in your community are wildly talented and also wildly unemployed. See if you know someone who fits your theme and then invite him or her to come and entertain. Whether the teen is good with pets or a paintbrush, two things are for sure: he or she is cooler than you are and hungry for work.

Keep it simple. I’ll call it the KIS principle because I don’t think you’re stupid. One Google search or Pinterest inquiry will prove that birthday parties are perhaps a little OOC (out of control; I’m all over the acronyms in this tip). Ask your kiddo if he or she really wants a big party. You may be surprised to discover that it’s not what your child wants, even if you do. You might be able to take one friend to a children’s museum, movie, or even a theme park for less than what you’d spend on a party. Consider all the options before launching into big-party mode.

Delegate the budgeting. For her ninth birthday, the Princess Eldest managed the birthday budget for her family party. She kept track of the money and planned the menu. She bought the decorations and cake from the cash budget we gave to her to manage. It was a fabulous learning experience and helped her sort through what was really important and what she could skip. The birthday party theme was “Fiesta!” and included a taco bar and a piñata filled with candy. Because she took ownership, Anna can recount more details about this party than I remember.

Think outside the cake. No matter what your Netflix queue tries to tell you, parties don’t require the Cake Boss, Cupcake Wars, or the bakers from DC Cupcakes. Seriously, while decorating them can make them look cool, cakes are designed to be eaten. As long as it doesn’t end up being featured on the Cake Wrecks blog, your kid is going to love it. Birthday milkshakes, a sundae bar, make-your-own strawberry shortcake, or even pancakes may get the job done just as well, if not better. Once again, ask your child. Be prepared to do something crazy, though, as you never know what he or she might really want.

Showing your child how much you love him or her through a fancy party each year is not worth going into debt. Having a slamming sixth birthday party will not pay for your child’s college education. Think before you spend, and most of all, remember that spending time with —not money on —your children is the best way to show them how much you love them!

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

True story: The King of Free and I did not give each other Christmas gifts for four years while we were paying off debt. We also gave up Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and anniversary gifts. He requested that I not give him anything for his birthday. I’d like to think this was a much bigger sacrifice for me than it was for him. I love gifts. I love to receive them. I love to painstakingly choose gifts. I love to wrap gifts. I love to noodle on what will best celebrate someone’s passions and loves and then turn that into a gift. I love scheduled gifts. I love spontaneous gifts. I love gifts! . . . confetti! . . . ribbons! . . . presents!

At first, it was extremely difficult for me to let go of the notion of gifts not being a part of our Christmas tradition. When we received Christmas or birthday gifts of money from our family or friends, they went straight onto the debt snowball or were used to purchase items the girls needed. We were practical to the nth degree. True confession: At first it made me a little sad. But as we gained more success, I realized that a new trinket was not worth as much to me as the freedom we would one day gain. Plus, speaking from experience, gifts that you give when you’re debt-free are way more awesome because they come with more thought, more expendable cash, and less guilt. The first Christmas after we paid off our last debt, we did give each other gifts and it was fun. But the second Christmas, we opted to just give each other stockings with small gifts. We are simple people.

As is often true in life, the rules we legislate for adults aren’t the same as the ones we impose on children. Our girls received Christmas presents even when the King of Free and I were not exchanging them ourselves. But the tradition in our home has always looked a little bit different from that in many households. We knew early on that we wanted to be careful to ensure that our kids didn’t turn into “present crack” addicts at Christmas time. We didn’t want them tearing through a package without even looking at what they’d received, all the while looking for the next brightly bowed box to rip up. In that euphoric environment, all you’d have to do is add some flashing lights and electronic dance music and they’d be at a rave.

While gifts are a part of our Christmas experience, we try to keep the chaos and over-“stuffing” (referring to the process of collecting of stuff, not the delicious dish) to a minimum. Here are a few guidelines we followed while slaying the debt dragon and continue to follow today.

Give three gifts. By the grace of God and through the wisdom of friends further down the road of parenting, we instituted this from the Princess Eldest’s first Christmas. So this practice was in place long before we began our debt-slaying journey. We give our girls one larger toy or electronic device. It might be costly, it might not, but it is wowie-zowie, something they have been dreaming of with childlike wonder. The second gift is an article of clothing, which probably means more to my tween than it does to my kindergartener. Still, it’s a good idea to help your children realize that a coat is a gift, a very good gift. Children all over the world don’t have coats, let alone beautiful blue coats with ruffles. It might be a dress or a leotard or a scarf or even a pair of new shoes that your child needs. Whatever it is, it’s important to convey that a met need is also a blessing and can be a gift too. The third gift the Princesses receive is a book. Reading is a joy and a treasure in our home.

The three gifts represent the three treasures given to Jesus by the magi. I also like this tradition because it helps me to focus in on one item that my girls would love and avoid giving into the yearly temptation of picking up “just one more thing!” We also sidestep the trap of purchasing four or five $10 to $20 toys, many of which I would have to clean up from the floor during the next calendar year.

Fill stockings with a mix of necessities and small fun items. I am that mom. I will give one of my daughters a toothbrush for Christmas and expect her to like it —nay, love it. From fun body wash to nail polish to food, I might splurge on an item that costs a wee bit more or has a character on it, but practicality is still a blessing.[49]

I’m not a complete killjoy, however. Occasionally, I’ll use reward points to pick up a free movie, small stuffed animal, candy, costume jewelry, or other small, fun items. I also shy away from the stocking stuffer area of local superstores or discount stores since most of the seasonal items there will end up being thrown away the week or two after Christmas. I don’t know too many kids who want to color with reindeer markers on December 28 or use Santa lip gloss in January. When I’m debating on whether or not to make a purchase, I hold an item up and imagine stepping on it in the middle of the night three months from now. Again, you should spend just a wee bit more on something that will last longer rather than loading up on cheap, disposable gifts.

Provide guided gift lists to the grandparents. The Queen and King’s Mums ask for them, and I’m happy to supply. If at all possible, our immediate and extended families coordinate gifts that can be played with together. For example, one family gives a gaming system; the other purchases games. Or play food is purchased to go along with a kitchen set. The grandparents still have the ability to choose something within a range of both prices and our princesses’ wishes, but it helps all of us to be happier when the gifts are unwrapped.

Give gifts of presence. Baking cookies, reading books, watching holiday movies, decorating, going out and about shopping, visiting friends and family, and more can be the greatest gifts of all. When you reflect on your best Christmas ever, usually your memories have to do with people, not things. Go ahead. Close your eyes and allow yourself to be transported to a Christmas of your past. What do you smell? What do you hear? Who do you see? What are you doing? I had one awesome Christmas where I received a faux–rabbit fur coat, mini cowgirl boots, and blue Barbie eye shadow (the 80s were a rough decade). By and large, I can’t remember what I received as a child on other years, though. (Oh, I almost forgot the scary Ronald McDonald doll I wanted so badly. Yikes.) What about you? More than likely, you long for the presence of someone who is no longer on the earth or wish to recapture the fun things you did way more than you wish you had a Cabbage Patch doll again.

Practice generosity. Even while we were paying off debt, we were intentional about giving a gift to someone else. Some years we put together baskets of food for a local community stretched to its limits. Some years we chose a card from a Prison Fellowship’s Angel Tree program. Some years we gave money to a charity. Every Christmas, we carol at a local nursing home with our community group. Celebrating Jesus’ birth should have nothing to do with us and everything to do with showing up in the lives of others to surprise them with His very good news and great glad tidings.

This can be a bit tricky, though. There are so many charities and very good things that tug at our hearts during the Christmas season. You can’t give to everyone. Set a budget for generosity. (This includes baking cookies for your neighbors, because butter and flour aren’t free.) Then stick with it.

Bottom line, good gifts are great things. Again, I firmly believe that gift giving is a beautiful reflection of the image of God within us all. God gives good gifts to His children. We’re driven to do the same. That being said, there are limits. Your children don’t want your gifts. They want you. Give them a gift of great value at Christmas. Keep it simple.

Back-to-School Budgeting

Every era of parenting brings with it a significant price tag. Not long after we give that huge sigh of relief because we no longer have to pay for diapers every stinking (literally) week, most parents are hit with a new reality: back-to-school shopping. The National Retail Federation said the average family spent $634.78 in 2013 on supplies, apparel, shoes, and electronics as students prepared to head back to school.[50] Obviously, the actual total will depend on the number and grade levels of your kids, but we’ve found that with intentionality there are some ways to really save in this area.

As with birthday celebrations, back-to-school purchases provide a great platform to teach kids about budgeting and saving money. Maybe the following suggestions will spark some ideas to maximize your dollars and the learning experience.

Check the list. Be sure to get copies of your children’s supply list for their specific classrooms. Many schools place these lists on their websites well before school begins; they might even have been included with registration materials sent out the previous spring. There is nothing worse than purchasing the wrong brand of a product. Know what you need before you ever hit the aisles.

Take an inventory. Once you have the supply list, go on a treasure hunt in your own house. Beginning with a mind-set of wealth rather than poverty can actually curb your spending. I guarantee many of the things you need are already in your possession. Block off an afternoon to inventory the items —clothing and supplies —that you already have. I’m not suggesting you send your kids back to school with broken pencils and worn-down crayons; however, items like backpacks, lunchboxes, rulers, scissors, and flash drives can be used for more than one school year.

Next, clean out your kids’ closets and drawers. Have them try on clothes to see what fits. Most important, as you determine what you need, write it down. This will keep you from overspending. Use the school’s supply list and your written inventory for clothes and supplies to create your own back-to-school hit list.

Use cash. You’ve already heard me say it multiple times, but it bears repeating: you will always spend less if you use cash rather than plastic, even if it’s a debit card. Cash provides a boundary around your budget; it’s a hedge that ensures you spend exactly what you intend and not a penny more. Plus, it’s a great lesson for the kids to hear you say, “We only have enough cash for this” or “We can buy one of these or two of those.” If your children are old enough, allow them to be the keeper of the cash. Physically holding the money will empower them with responsibility while also reinforcing limits. Also, it makes the cash the bad guy instead of you. When the cash is gone, you are finished shopping.

Allow your child to fail. A mantra of Andy Stanley’s that we often repeat is “Don’t bail, let them fail.”[51] More than likely, if you do allow your children to actively participate in the back-to-school budgeting and spending, they will make mistakes. As parents, there’s a driving force within us to swoop in, save our children from all harm, and correct their mistakes before they even make them. This is the perfect time to pause and provide guidance but allow your children to completely and utterly mess up. You’ll have a well-timed opportunity to talk about what happens when we purchase too many pencils but not enough socks. Best of all, you can extend grace to your child and teach eternal lessons too. While you don’t want to make your kid wear shirts with holes to school, if you truly want to allow your children to learn about finances, then allow them to make mistakes. We all learn our best lessons in life from “oops” moments.

If you truly want to allow your children to learn about finances, then allow them to make mistakes. We all learn our best lessons in life from “oops” moments.

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Write down every penny you spend. This tip is really to help you the following academic year. Record every back-to-school expense down to the penny —from book fees to PTO, from gym suits to new shoes, from school supplies to classroom extras. If you keep good records now, you won’t have to choose a pie-in-the-sky number when you set your budget for next year. It’s also helpful to look at the textbook fees for your children’s grade level next year to get a good estimate of what you will be spending then.

When you can, buy extras. If your cash budget allows, purchase extra school supplies now to create a small stockpile that you can use the rest of the year. Your child will need new markers. She will rip up a folder. Notebook paper will run out. There is no better time of year to purchase school supplies since many retailers offer them at rock-bottom prices in the late summer and early fall. Poster board and other office supplies also tend to be a bit cheaper just before school starts. Not only will you save money by picking them up now, you won’t need to worry about having to head out late some night when your child suddenly remembers he or she needs something for a special project the next day.

Take a pass on most fund-raisers. Want to know where I still struggle with mommy guilt? Fund-raisers. Inevitably, the order forms start coming home during the first few weeks of school. I want to buy every roll of wrapping paper, order every pie, purchase every bar of candy and box of cookies I can. While we were paying off debt, we did the absolute minimum in this area. We ordered one item from our own children and nothing from anyone else. You simply cannot order from every catalog from every kid who rings your doorbell and bats his or her eyes at you. Oh those sweet little eyes! Don’t let your mommy guilt blind you to the truth that this fund-raiser is not in your budget. Someday when you’re debt-free, a kid down the street may hit the jackpot when you spend $200 on an order of stuff you probably don’t need. But for now, go look in the mirror, practice your sad eyes, and say a polite “no” over and over again until you’re ready for the little salespeople to harass pitch to you.

Enact a co-pay system. My mommy guilt weakness for fund-raisers extends to yearbooks, school T-shirts, lollipops during lunch hour, book orders, and class photos. Midway through our debt-slaying journey, I began offering co-pays for items like these to my girls. If they wanted an “extra” like a yearbook, they needed to use some of their own funds to purchase it. I usually cover at least half of the cost of such items; however, the girls still “feel” the expense.

I’ll never forget the time the Princess Eldest wanted to order a class picture. As we debated the necessity of that purchase, I asked where last year’s photo was. When she couldn’t come up with an answer, I pulled it from the kitchen countertop, where it was still neatly stored in the wrapper from the previous academic year. All of a sudden, it didn’t seem like such an urgent need to her. Again, you cannot purchase every item your school, PTO, team, or troop is selling. Such purchases fall into a category that is much less important than the pursuit of paying off debt. Knowing this is simple. Practicing it isn’t always easy.

Allowances, Loans, Commerce, and Other Things

For someone so crazy about teaching kids about money, it might come as a shock to learn that I’m not a fan of allowances. My guess is no one pays you just to wake up each day, right? Pennies don’t rain from heaven so you can pay your mortgage. Food doesn’t magically appear on the dinner table just because you are an awesome human being. Money comes from work. Money accumulates when we save it. Money loses its power over us when we give. Money earned is actually fun to spend. These are priceless lessons for us to learn, right along with our children.

Money comes from work. Money accumulates when we save it. Money loses its power over us when we give. Money earned is actually fun to spend. These are priceless lessons for us to learn, right along with our children.

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No worries —if you have decided to give your child an allowance, I have no plans to come to your house to rip it out of your son’s or daughter’s tiny hands. If you are overseeing the process, there are plenty of ways to teach your little ones about money through allowance. However, it is not a system we adopted. Here’s why.

There are certain things our girls do to get to live in the Lowe household. They must keep relative order in their rooms. (I’m fairly lenient. Remember, no neat as a pin here.) They must be kind to each other. They must pick up their clothes and even the clothes of others when asked. They must empty the dishwasher if they are old enough to reach the cabinets. They must do their homework. They must listen to their parents. They must clear their dishes from the dinner table. For all of the above and a few more “you musts” I’m forgetting, they are awarded a room in which to keep all of their awesome stuff, beds to sleep in, three square meals a day, and their own personal taxi service that takes them to and from daily activities.

These daily tasks are expectations for being in our family. While we wouldn’t boot the girls to the curb for not doing them, we also will not pay them for being a part of our family. We agreed on this philosophy long before our children made their way onto the planet. Living as a family requires sacrifice for us all. Sacrifice and love are not compensated monetarily in our home.

Even so, there are jobs our little princesses can do to make money. Usually said jobs are ones that are less than pleasant and might require some extra effort. We may also compensate the girls for stellar grades —with cash, goods, or perhaps dinner out. Our girls began this system of employment around the age of three by removing the towels from the dryer.

The cash compensation is probably meager in comparison to most households. We pay by the dime or even by the penny sometimes. Payday is based on when they do work, not necessarily a set day of the week. When they are paid, they are expected to place 10 percent of their earnings into their “Give” bank or envelope. Another 10 percent is deposited into their savings. The rest can go into their “Spend” bank or wallet. Even monetary gifts received from their grandparents (because they do pay the girls to be cute from time to time) must be divided into the above categories. Once again, there are printable cash budget envelopes on QueenOfFree.net just for you. The “kid” versions have cute pictures on the front and quotes on the back to discuss as a family.

Anna and Zoe get to choose what they do with their “Spend” money. If they lose their spend money in the store, it is not replaced. If they forget to bring it with them, we do not loan them money. Even if they only need one more dollar, they have to wait until they have saved one more dollar.

Our intention is not to make life more difficult for them but to prepare them to handle money themselves one day. As part of that training, we also offer plenty of incentives and coaching. We will:

The Greatest Family Adventure

The psalmist reminds us, “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3, NLT).

In the day in, day out stuff of life, we can lose sight of the big picture. Parenting children is a wearisome endeavor, not for the weak in heart, body, and spirit. Often, instead of seeing living presents, we see little monsters who are always wanting something else from us . . . another snack . . . another toy . . . another story . . . another drink before bed . . . another treat . . . another ride . . . another permission slip . . . another . . .

Their little hands smudge the glass you just cleaned. Their little cries keep you from sleeping at night. Their little diapers fill. Then they fill again. Their little attitudes sometimes smell like their little diapers. Their little mouths repeat words that make you cringe. We forget that our children are actually these amazing little gifts, given straight from the hand of God.

On your weariest and hairiest of child-rearing days, take a deep breath and a brief step back. Realize that those little beings were not placed in your life to make your existence miserable. They are a reward. Beyond that, those little faces, little hands, and little feet will someday be much more than requesters of “another.” Raising your children is of eternal value and makes a huge difference in our world. Your children aren’t merely children; they are future doctors, authors, teachers, pastors, nonprofit workers, chefs, artists, lawyers, journalists, and best of all, the future moms and dads who will parent your grandchildren. The difference they make doesn’t have to begin in the future either. It begins today.

While a high calling and certainly a challenge, parenting enables you to partner with God in the formation of eternal souls. He has plans to give your children hope and a future.[52] Allow Him to lead even the youngest members of your family on the great adventure of learning to trust Him to provide for your needs (and even some of your wants) while you take on debt. One day, the verses they memorize in Sunday school may slip their minds. They may forget the order of the books of the Bible. Nothing, however, will ever erase the memories of the times that their very personal God provided for their family as they chose to follow His plan for their finances.

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