Fur goodness’ sake
* Pelt it out
* Keep ‘em culling
* Seal their fate
Once, it was just fashionistas made to feel guilty for the deaths of these wide-eyed creatures but, nowadays, everyone is being told to repent for the deaths of seals. Scientists have monitored the ice on the Southern Gulf of St Lawrence, Canada, and their observations show that it is thinning, cracking, and splintering like crazy paving. The unstable ice means that seals keep sliding off and drowning – and you are being blamed. The crime you are accused of is a (rather unlikely) herculean effort to assist global warming, which is melting the ice on which these seals live. Preposterous. It seems you are being unfairly bashed over the head with the limp, bloody bodies of these cute creatures, despite the fact that the waning sea ice might simply be part of a natural progression, dominated, locals believe, by ten-year weather cycles.
Seal numbers off the eastern coast of Canada are estimated at just under six million, which is in fact almost three times what they were when culling began in the Seventies. In light of such numbers, Canada refuses to outlaw the seal culls which take place on the ice every spring. Authorities rationally argue that they would only consider the seal population to be in serious danger if it dipped below 1.8 million. This leaves a surplus of a few million seals, which could be readily killed without prompting any action or causing any discernible difference to the planet.
These seals are being accused of a crime against the human being, their greedy consumption of cod ensuring that innocent families starve. Canadian fishermen used to earn their living by harvesting cod, but this is no longer possible. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s because they have over-fished the seas beyond a sustainable point. No, these pesky seals with their insatiable appetite for fish are ingesting the entire food supply. And if that does not justify the greatest cull ever seen on the face of the planet, then little can. If you were a fisherman, you’d kill for a hot dinner.
Set back from the litter-strewn canyon that is the ‘A1 North’ is a small business that looks like any other lining this windblown artery of north London. Here, in Archway, is the nondescript UK headquarters of Alaska Brokerage International Limited, a major fur dealership and a specialist in the organized trade of seal skins and furs. Thankfully, the killing of seals for fur and the trade in pelts is not illegal and a reasonable proportion of the company’s trade relies on the annual Canadian seal hunts. After the skins are collected from the ice, they are taken to a plant in Newfoundland, from where they are dispatched back to Tromsoe, Norway, for full processing. From there, deals are brokered by external parties such as AB International for onward sale and export.
AB International is run by Peter Bartfeld who brokers deals for Canadian seal skins to be exported worldwide. Undercover reporters have found that Bartfeld’s company is the main European agent for GC Rieber Skinn, the world’s biggest supplier of dressed seal skin and fur to garment manufacturers. This Norwegian company, a subsidiary of the giant GC Rieber group, which also has interests in shipping, real estate, and minerals, purchases an estimated 150,000 to 200,000 Canadian seal skins a year, as well as skins from similar hunts in Norway and Russia.
Some countries, including Belgium, the Netherlands and the US, have prohibited the import of Canadian seal fur and skins because of concerns over welfare and conservation. Other nations, including Germany, Italy, and Austria are currently considering a ban. The UK government, broadly critical of the seal hunts, has tried to distance itself from the debate over seal products by stating that the UK is not directly involved in this trade. But the existence of the Bartfeld empire, right here in the capital, proves that this claim is untrue. These are men who can help ensure that it’s Canadian seal pelts all round.
AB International, believed to be worth in excess of £1.5 million, rightfully claim that their seal skins are the best in the world. Undercover reporters posing as fashion buyers have met representatives of the company and were offered the pelts of ‘beaters’, young harp seals which cannot yet swim properly. This is perfectly legal, and the younger animals are considered to yield the best-quality furs, with top-grade pelts commanding around £11 each, while lower-quality specimens fetch as little as £4.
The fur industry has recently been going out of its way to increase popularity and sales and, according to campaigners, international fashion houses such as Prada and Versace are among those who’ve used seal fur and skin in new collections. In the UK, seal products are most widely used in the manufacture of sporrans, part of the traditional Scottish costume.
Before entering into business arrangements with the Bartfelds you should set down some ground rules. First, their hunters must only use a sharpened club or a traditional hakapik – a wooden bat with a spike at the end like a nail – to kill the seals. No shooting. They’ll probably agree, since nothing ruins an £11 seal pelt more profoundly than a bloody great bullet hole.
Secondly, ask Bartfeld to contact his men on the ground and demand that they ignore the tiresome new regulations which were introduced to try and ensure a more humane means of killing. The new edict dictates that, after clubbing or shooting, hunters must check a seal’s eyes to make sure it is dead. If it isn’t, the animal’s arteries have to be slashed. An utter waste when you consider that time out on the blood-stained floes is money. Ask for a clause in your contract which states that any reports of seals being killed humanely will result in the deal being called off. Tell Bartfeld that you will pay double for pelts entirely smothered in crusted blood.
Thirdly, there is to be no close-up footage from animal campaigners. This cull must not be broadcast to the public. The last thing anyone needs to see is more shots of defenceless seals getting walloped to death by burly chaps. Pictures of ice floes becoming criss-crossed with ribbons of scarlet as bodies are dragged home are another no-no. If there is any filming to be done, then it is for you and your friends to watch in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
On Bartfeld’s behalf, write to the Canadian Fisheries Department thanking the Canadian people, yet again, for allowing the cull to go ahead. The total quota for the 2008 hunt was 275,000 seals, a reasonably impressive increase on the previous year but still not high enough. Since 2004, around 1.2 million seals have been culled – you can’t help but feel this would be a conservative total for one season alone. You have heard the department is fuming, claiming that the debate is being unfairly influenced by the ‘emotional rhetoric’ of animal lovers. Your letter offers sympathy and understanding and you promise to register your displeasure with the British government for their puerile moral outrage and transparent pandering to ‘unfounded and unhelpful’ hysteria.
You will probably also want to encourage Bartfeld to expand his operations. Seal oil contains decent levels of omega 3 and, in today’s health-obsessed world, such a boon cannot be overlooked lightly. And don’t forget the creature’s penis, a delicacy in the Far East, where they grind it down and knock it back with wine as an aphrodisiac. You can also take action closer to home. Somewhat audaciously, British seals are also eating cod. And our northern fishermen, like their Canadian counterparts, have to feed their families somehow. The North Sea population of 120,000 grey seals have started, according to reports, to eat four times more cod now than they did twenty years ago. Such gluttony must be punished. You may have to take matters into your own hands and travel to the northern tip of Scotland. There, borrow a gun from a supportive farmer – the general rule is that fishermen and farmers get along everywhere – and do the job yourself. Follow the imperious lead of the mystery gunman who, two years ago, shot a whole school of seals at point-blank range on a rocky Orkney beach. The mystery killer took particular care to target only pregnant seals. Superstition says that a person who kills a seal will forfeit his soul to the animal and is destined to return as a seal in the next life. Ignore all that crap. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.
It is estimated that five thousand seals are killed every year on the remote tips of the British Isles by fishermen and lobster creelmen. Rarely does this make the headlines; no one seems to mind. Here, seals are viewed as pests; the police never investigate. And the Conservation of Seals Act 1970 gives you, in effect, carte blanche to massacre these little pups with impunity. A delightfully worded get-out clause sanctions the killing of any seal swimming ‘in the vicinity’ of fishing nets or tackle. Thankfully, someone chose not to include a definition of ‘vicinity’ in the act. For your purposes it could mean a few metres, or any area within the borders of the same country. Bring some friends and make a weekend of it. You’ll be doing the locals a favour even if you’re only in it for the kicks.
* Canadian government announces vastly increased seal-cull quotas for 2011 – 510,000 in a single season – after new figures show sharp fall in the region’s cod stocks. Possible.
* Seal fur makes an unexpected return to the catwalk. Despite widespread protests, Bartfeld’s operation booms accordingly. Slightly plausible.
* A fur enthusiast is forced to watch seal pups being clubbed to death for a new television series exposing the reality behind the luxury-goods trade. Likely.
* Another mystery gunman single-handedly tries to reduce Scotland’s grey seal stocks. Likely.
* AB International announce record profits in April 2010. Seal pelts become big business. Probable.
Likelihood of seals being culled in increasingly large numbers by 2015: 77%