You win sun, you lose sun
* Tilt at windmills
* Say no to solar
* Wave goodbye to wind power
Some time back, the leaders of this island were told they could power much of their land by harnessing the power from the waves and wind that surrounded it. After years priding themselves as the ‘dirty man of Europe’, suddenly they were in grave danger of undoing all their hard toil. Nonetheless, they obediently agreed to Europe’s proposals that, by 2020, 15 per cent of energy must come from renewables.
But the leaders of this island nation were telling porkies; they never had any intention of giving in to such European guff. The British government deplores the idea of being reliant on renewables. As if invisibly guided by your masterly hand, it has embarked on a delectable tapestry of obfuscation, delay and untruth of a type that millions of pounds’ worth of lobbying could never hope to buy.
While ministers continued to bang on about thwarting climate change – not surprisingly fooling most of us hapless citizens – they were doing all they could to kill off the embryonic renewables revolution. Like chocolate soldiers marching into the heat of battle, ministers kept insisting that the UK was showing ‘leadership’ in the area. We were streets ahead of other nations in tackling climate change, the prime minister said.
But as ministers talked up their renewables dream, the scores on the doors revealed that only 2 per cent of the country’s energy came from the wind, waves and sun. Of our European neighbours, only Malta and Luxembourg had bothered less. This didn’t faze them – ministers continued to extol the merits of clean energy while simultaneously orchestrating their own form of dirty protest. In 2007 the sector began laying off staff due to lack of government support. Grants were slashed, initiatives pulled, schemes revised. People who wanted to ‘make a difference’ suddenly found it uneconomical. Those who had their eye on a mini turbine for their roof had the wind quite literally taken from their sails when grants were halved. The government had promised tax relief for ‘zero-carbon’ homes which drew electricity from local renewable sources. Craftily, though, it had made sure that no such energy existed. Of Britain’s 21.2 million homes, six applied.
When a high-profile grant was unveiled to develop wave energy, two applicants came forward. Both were rejected. The government, navigating the choppy waters of semantics, would gladly reward development projects, but only those that were fully developed and already operating. You can only applaud. They set aside the impressive figure of 0.01 per cent of gross national product to facilitate Britain’s move towards becoming a sustainable society. An internal briefing in the summer of 2007 concluded that there was no chance of going green, since achieving 9 per cent of energy from natural sources was ‘challenging’. Civil servants considered asking the EU if they could include nuclear power in the figure, and, since the government had spent some money on renewable energy in Africa, what about including solar power from Nairobi? Ultimately, officials decided to lobby for a more fluid interpretation of European targets, which were unrealistic and lacked credibility. Forget that Germany was hitting the 27 per cent mark; they were simply showing off to embarrass Britain.
Yet it is perhaps unfair – if not unwise – to let the government do all your hard graft. Britain is blessed with a charming set of folks up and down the island who’ll seemingly do anything to sabotage attempts to save the planet, especially if these attempts involve mild interference with the view from their lounge, or building something futuristic within 7 miles of their rear lawn. Meet the Nimbies, a loose-knit but indomitable fighting force whose ability to attack with irrational fury and peculiar tenacity on issues of outrageous triviality is unrivalled anywhere in the world. With the help of your Nimby friends, you can ensure that wind energy is derailed at a stroke. In fact, blocking turbine planning applications is practically their raison d’être. Contact the Country Guardian group, which claims to have halted or postponed 89 per cent of planned wind farms. Their vice-president, Sir Bernard Ingham, has links with nuclear industry and BNFL. If they’re too busy blocking new windmills, try the cunningly named Renewable Energy Foundation. Chaired by Deal or No Deal host and all-round good guy Noel Edmonds, the REF is well linked to scores of groups around the country who exchange advice on how to undermine the industrialization of the countryside. Heart-warming research reveals that two out of three applications for onshore wind farms are being rejected. Thirty-three have been turned down by Nimby-terrorized local authorities in the past eighteen months. Schemes to provide the equivalent in power to that generated by eight conventional power stations languish in the planning system. How can you fail to salute them?
Despite the fearsome opposition of middle-class homeowners, some offshore wind farms remained determined to deliver. Step forward the military: these wretched windmills interfere with radar systems. Also, do not underestimate the power of leafleting. Keep an eye on planning applications and distribute leaflets to surrounding homes giving overblown descriptions of the plans. ‘Imagine the Empire State Building with steel blades longer than a Jumbo Jet…’ – that sort of thing – and compare the wind farm with such outrages to personal freedom as the seatbelt and income tax. Make sure to liken the battle against wind farms to defending the south coast from the Nazis. Arrange pickets against any councillor who supports wind power in their unspoilt village. Nimbies may have largely decamped to the shires, but they will never be as green as their wellies or their Land Rovers. Maximize support from such august organizations as the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, whose membership offers one million potential recruits for your plan to sabotage clean energy. The RSPB is not overly partial to wind turbines. Write to them in graphic detail about how the blades are mashing up pretty birds in your area and send Photoshopped images of mutilated avian corpses. Claim that turbines can cause brain tumours in humans, documenting a series of mystery illnesses in an unidentified Cornish hamlet since a windmill recently appeared on a nearby hill. Encourage Nimbies to write strongly worded, one-sided letters. It’s what they’re best at.
Of course, a hotter planet of long droughts and busy beer gardens might also open the door for solar power. Unnervingly, photovoltaic power is getting closer and closer to becoming economical. So far, the government has that dismal scenario covered. When it said it was going all guns blazing for solar power, it began offering grants to persuade homeowners to install solar panels. By all accounts, the take-up was annihilatingly impressive. Around 270 homes, in fact. In Germany, the comparable figure was a smug 130,000. Germany added more than 180 times as much solar power energy on to its electricity grid as the UK that year. But the UK government, satisfied with its own performance, slashed solar grants, ensuring it was just on the cusp of being uneconomical to install. The amount of electricity saved dropped to 2 per cent, a magnificently achieved practical irrelevance.
Power to the people
One way to render these paltry savings absolutely null is to ensure that electricity demands keep growing. More gadgets, another laptop, bigger plasma televisions to keep on standby 24/7. Even if the Dales were covered in windmills, expanding needs would suck up the new energy. It’s like running the wrong way up an escalator – and there’s always an idiot who’ll do that.
Sadly, word is starting to spread about the government’s private intention to neuter renewables. Unwisely, the give-away was when they allowed carbon emissions to increase. By the onset of 2008, ministers were in a right pickle. It was time to submit their latest carbon-emission figures. The government is no slouch at ‘statistical interpretation’, but it is doubtful they could have been more brazen. UK carbon emissions were down by 12 per cent since 1990, they said, to the sound of imported champagne corks popping. That would tell the UN lot to shut it. But those tiresome enough to check the fine print soon found that hundreds of millions of tonnes of greenhouse-gas emissions had vanished from official figures. Those in the numbers department had included carbon credits and subtracted aviation, shipping, overseas trade and tourism from the stats. For the record – and this really calls for a champagne celebration – Britain’s carbon output actually rose by 19 per cent over that same period, with everything included. To capitalize on this good vibe, the UK’s ambassadorial role in urging other countries to sort out their climate-change policies is profoundly, perfectly, compromised. Rule, Britannia!
* A rare corncrake is killed by a turbine. The Nimby machine goes into overdrive. Noel Edmonds can’t resist mentioning the tragedy on Deal Or No Deal. Turbines are torpedoed. Possible.
* Investment in wind and wave energy increases to respectable levels. Britain involved in meeting targets set by Brussels shocker. Impossible.
* Grants to solar and wave energy slashed further. Windfall taxes added to industry. Entire renewables sector decamps to Germany. Hours later, Gordon Brown announces that Britain is leading the world in climate change. Probable.
* Sir Bernard Ingham becomes MP on anti-wind-farm ticket. His manifesto reveals they are ‘built by the hands of Satan’. Plausible.
* Another leaked memo heaps further humiliation on government. It exposes how civil servants spent £500,000 examining whether it was possible to stop the wind blowing across ‘goody two shoes’ Germany. Anything to help the UK to catch up. Imaginable.
Likelihood of Britain failing to reach European renewables targets by 2015: 94%