CHAPTER TWELVE
Be Free in Your Mind
“I’m to the point where I don’t even want to make love. Every time I do, a video stream of women I was with before I got married parades across my mind. I feel like I’m committing adultery while I’m making love with my wife. Help!”
None of us want junk like this in our minds. This chapter will show you how you can free your mind of the things that hinder your intimacy so you can use it creatively in your sexual relationship with your mate.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
In the last scene, selfishness prevailed. Solomon was an insensitive midnight Romeo, and Tirzah’s self-centered protestations were hollow and unconvincing. Both made wrong choices. Now she makes a right choice, the choice to put her husband’s needs before her own. We’re about to look inside Tirzah’s head and discover that she is very free in her thinking. No restraints! Because of this, she is able to use her thoughts to shift her body into sexual gear.
The Chorus to Tirzah: “What kind of beloved is your beloved, O most beautiful among women? What kind of beloved is your beloved, that thus you adjure us?” (5:9)
The chorus asks Tirzah, “What’s so special about Solomon?” This question seems to be specifically designed to lead Tirzah away from focusing on her husband’s weaknesses and to help her focus on his many good points. She answers by describing her beloved from head to toe. This poem praising her beloved is the second wasf in the Song (5:10-16).
In the last scene, Tirzah was dreaming; in this scene she is daydreaming. She is alone in the palace, and her thoughts of her husband are intensely erotic.
Tirzah to the Chorus: “My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.” (verse 10)
Tirzah begins her praise by calling Solomon my lover —he is exclusively hers, and she delights in that fact. In her dream, she did not want him as her lover, but when she wakes up, she reflects on his body, and her attitude changes. His ruddy complexion makes him look radiant. The Hebrew word translated as “ruddy” can also imply the idea of manliness.[1] Her husband is so masculine and magnificent that no other man compares with him. Earlier, Tirzah had said that he stood out like an apple tree among a forest of evergreens (see 2:3). Now she declares that if ten thousand or more men were lined up beside her beloved, he would outshine them all.
Tirzah: “His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven.” (verse 11)
In essence, Tirzah is saying, “My lover is tall, dark, and handsome.” Solomon’s features are exquisitely sculpted, his complexion a golden tan,[2] and his hair dark and curly.
Tirzah: “His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting.” (verse 12)
In Song 4:1, Solomon said that Tirzah’s eyes were like doves, and now she returns the compliment. Doves are loyal to their mates throughout life, and as Tirzah thinks about her husband’s eyes, she reflects on his faithfulness to her.
This reference to his cheeks is likely a reference to Solomon’s beard, as beards were the custom in Israel during this time period.[3] Tirzah emphasizes its aroma by comparing it to a fragrant garden of spices. She also says that she longs to experience again the glorious taste of his lips. In the Song, lilies are metaphors with some undertone of sexual activity.[4]
Tirzah: “His hands are rods of gold set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires.” (verse 14)
As she continues to daydream about her beloved, Tirzah’s thoughts move down his body. She imagines his strong yet gentle hands caressing her. Then she says that his belly is like carved ivory. While most translations translate the Hebrew word me eh as “belly,” this rendering makes little sense here because me eh is often used to describe reproductive organs.[5] One commentator explains the verse this way:
It is conceivable that the verse simply is referring to the fact that his stomach is as smooth as a slab of ivory. However, the words are too suggestive for me to settle on that approach. When one thinks of ivory, one thinks of a tusk of ivory, an object that could easily have erotic connotations. The decoration with lapis, a precious stone blue in color, simply would highlight the object’s preciousness. In such an erotic poem, the line at the least is suggestive of, if not explicitly referring to, the man’s member.[6]
Are you surprised that Scripture presents a wife imagining her husband’s naked body in an aroused sexual state? We are. But we are so grateful, because through it, God is saying, “It is right and good to dwell on your husband’s body. It is right and good to use your mind to shift your body into sexual gear.”
Tirzah: “His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of gold; his appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars.” (verse 15)
Tirzah: “His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.” (verse 16)
Tirzah has already imagined her lover’s kisses, and here she reflects on his tender speech. His words of praise touch her heart in a way nothing else can.
As she thinks about his sterling qualities, she realizes anew that everything about his body is desirable. Oh, how she wants him! How could she have rejected him? She wants him physically, but she also longs for the sweet whispers of love that flow from his mouth.
In this verse, we see sexual love (dod) and friendship love (rayah) blended together. The one she desires is the perfect combination; he is her lover (dod) and her best friend (rayah). She aches for his body to be pressed against hers, but she also longs for his close companionship. To share soul to soul as well as body to body is truly the purest joy of marriage. Blessed is the husband or wife whose mate is not only lover but also best friend.
The Chorus: “Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your beloved turned, that we may seek him with you?” (6:1)
This scene began with the chorus asking Tirzah to explain why her beloved was so special that they should promise to look for him. Her sensuous description of her lover and friend has convinced them that he is truly a man worth finding. But they want to know where he is.
Tirzah: “My beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of balsam, to pasture his flock in the gardens and gather lilies.” (verse 2)
Tirzah replies that her husband has gone to his garden. She has been searching for Solomon (see Song 5:8), but now she seems to know where he is. Apparently, she did not find him; he found her. The literary device of the Chorus asking where he is provides an occasion for her to express the fact that they are united again.
Commentators differ on just what this verse means, as the wording suggests a sexual connotation. Previous scenes have used garden, beds of balsam, pasturing his flock in the garden, and lilies to express sexual images (e.g., her breasts in 4:5). Elsewhere, the “garden” of the woman refers to her sexuality in general and her vagina in particular (see 4:12,15; 5:1). So it seems likely that Tirzah is saying, “We found each other and have enjoyed intimacy together.” Solomon has “gone down to the garden,” that is, he is intimately united with his wife. The garden is no ordinary garden, but a garden of sweet-smelling spices.[7]
Tirzah: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine, he who pastures his flock among the lilies.” (verse 3)
What a glorious declaration of love —“I belong to Solomon and he belongs to me”! Tirzah is at peace. She is the king’s wife, and she confidently asserts her belief in his love for her. It is as if she shouts, “Yes, yes, he is mine and I am his!” When she focuses on her husband’s shortcomings (insensitively coming to her for late-night sex), she does not have the right perspective. Of course he has weaknesses, but by dwelling on his beauty and strength, she takes a step toward resolving the sexual conflict between them.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR COUPLES
We want to talk to the wives for just a moment, but husbands, don’t tune out. Even though the message is directed toward your wife, the principles of freedom and exclusivity, which we address next, also apply to you.
Don’t Shut Down Your Mind
Wives, how do you respond to the idea of doing what Tirzah did? Do you give yourself permission to daydream about your husband’s naked body? Or does the very thought cause you to blush or roll your eyes and think, No way! I could never do that!
Where do you get the idea that fantasizing about your husband’s body is wrong? We think it comes from what you see in the world. For example, a man ogles two young women as they walk by him, or a group of teenage girls at a pool giggle and talk about what the hunk on the diving board would look like sans suit. Such actions constitute lust. You know God’s Word, and you know lust is wrong, wrong, wrong!
Yet the Song records Tirzah’s sexual fantasies about her husband, and we are telling you right, right, right. Your mind can’t make that leap. Why would God say it’s okay for a wife to have sexual daydreams about her husband? Isn’t that lust?
The distinction happens with two words: husband and wife. God gives permission for a wife to sexually daydream about her husband, and for a husband to daydream sexually about his wife. God urges, “Ponder, dwell, delight in the gift of your spouse’s body for you. Allow yourself to become sexually aroused so you can enjoy ecstasy with your spouse.”
For you to fantasize sexually about anyone else —the dynamic pastor at church, the witty and kind neighbor down the street, the charming ex-boyfriend —is a sin. But your husband is part of you. God sees the two of you as one. In this oneness is freedom.
As we have been saying over and over throughout this book, God wants married couples to be abandoned sexually, to indulge in unrestrained joy and passion, and to intoxicate each other with delight. His one boundary: one husband and one wife, in private, for life. Within the context of this marriage relationship, God gives you permission to:
Be free with your words.
Be free with your body.
Be free in your mind.
Exclusively, with your mate.
Every couple we know wants to experience sexual freedom with each other, but many are unable to because their minds are filled with junk. Listen to what one couple told us:
Beth: I can’t even imagine what being free in my mind looks like. I had several sexual partners before I married Max. If I tried to do what Tirzah did, I’m afraid images of other men would flood my mind. That, combined with the guilt I feel over having had two abortions, keeps me from really enjoying sex. To me, sex equals pain. So I just don’t think about it.
Max: Beth’s not the only one who shuts down her mind. It’s the only way I can function. When I was ten years old, a friend showed me some porn magazines. I came into marriage with a mind stuffed full of images of naked women. Although porn is not a part of my life now, every time Beth and I make love, I see page 63 or the centerfold from June. We became Christians after we married, and the more I see God’s holiness, the more disgusted I am with what floods my mind. I just don’t know how to get rid of the junk. Like Beth, I shut down. I could never let my mind go and be free because I don’t trust where my mind would go.
Please, Beth and Max, don’t shut down your minds to sex. God has a better way. He says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). The Greek word for “transformed” in this passage is metamorphousthe, from which we get our English word metamorphosis. It involves total change, from the inside out. So we are talking about a mind that is brand-spanking new, like nothing you’ve seen before —a mind that has been so completely changed, it is barely recognizable. Beth and Max, you can have a new mind. You can be free!
What about you? Do you believe God can renew your mind? Maybe you were sexually abused and you believe the images from the past will always haunt you and hinder your sexual expression. Wrong! Perhaps you did something, saw something, or heard something, and it imbedded itself so deeply in your psyche that you are convinced your view of sex will always be tainted. Wrong! Or possibly you were raised in a strict environment where you were constantly told, “Restrain yourself. Deny sexual passion.” You feel these years of conditioning make it impossible for you to ever be wild and abandoned. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Christ came to set us free: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32, NIV). The truth is, Christ wants to give you a new mind. How? Read on.
Your mind is like a computer. When you were born, God installed a directory called Sex. Early on, the directory was empty, but over time, files were added to the directory. Certain files were good —things you learned from God’s Word, examples of loving marriages, positive teaching from godly parents or leaders. Other files were corrupted —immoral messages or images, perverted acts contrary to God’s Word. Good files produced right thinking; corrupted files produced wrong thinking. Over the years, the accumulation of these files developed attitudes that form your current views about sex.
Everything you have been told about sex, everything you’ve seen, heard, done —or that has been done to you —all of it is stored in your mind. If sex is tainted in your mind, if freedom seems impossible, it is because the corrupted files keep your mind from functioning as God intended. The way to get your mind working properly is similar to the steps involved in fixing a sluggish computer: inventory the system, identify and remove corrupted files, and install new programs that will protect the system and increase performance.
Take Inventory
The exercise we are about to suggest will help you only if you do it. It will take time. It may be painful, but if you are serious about renewing your mind, you must do this. We pray that you will be willing because what you are about to do can change your marriage forever.
BETH’S INVENTORY
INVENTORY (AGE) | GOOD FILES | RESULTS | CORRUPT FILES | RESULTS |
|---|---|---|---|---|
1–10 Years | My parents had a good marriage. | Touching looked fun. | ||
11–20 Years | Sexually abused by a family friend, an elder of the church we attended. I didn’t tell anyone. Who would believe me, anyway? | Developed a poor self-image. Felt guilty for being part of the abuse. Was it my fault? | ||
21–30 Years | Married Max at age twenty-eight. Great honeymoon! | I know sex can be good when my mind is right. | Became sexually promiscuous with men before marriage. I didn’t care. | I had two abortions. I felt intense guilt and could not experience intimate pleasure with Max. Felt this was God’s punishment for past sexual sins. |
31–40 Years | Attended an Intimate Issues conference, where I learned how to receive forgiveness for my past. | Asked God for a complete healing of my past. He told me I had to tell Max and ask his forgiveness. I felt an enormous stone lifted off me when I did. I now experience joy in my times of intimacy with Max. When the guilt tries to come back, Max prays with me and for me. | ||
41–50 Years | ||||
51–60 Years |
MAX’S INVENTORY
INVENTORY (AGE) | GOOD FILES | RESULTS | CORRUPT FILES | RESULTS |
|---|---|---|---|---|
1–10 Years | Neighbor boy introduced me to pornographic magazines. Older brother showed me manual on different sexual positions. | Developed an intense curiosity about girls and their bodies. Experienced arousal, even though I didn’t understand what I was feeling. | ||
11–20 Years | Parents divorced; dad moved in with girlfriend. I attended a summer camp at fifteen. Had sex for the first time with an older girl from another campsite. Continued to have sex throughout college. | Became sexually promiscuous and viewed girls with little respect. I had sexual needs, and girls were supposed to meet them. Developed a warped macho image. | ||
21–30 Years | Married Beth at age twenty-eight. Became a Christian at age twenty-nine. | Read the entire Bible. Became involved in a men’s group, but there was no accountability. | Secretly looked at pornographic computer sites at work and home. | Lied to Beth about my lustful habits toward other women. When I was intimate with her, I often pretended that Beth was a different woman. |
31–40 Years | Asked God to show me all of the things that influenced my perspective of sex and marital intimacy and ways that I had hurt Beth. Confessed to Him and asked Him to purify my heart and mind. | Confessed my complete past to Beth and asked her forgiveness. I made a new covenant with her and asked for her help in times of temptation. | ||
41–50 Years | ||||
51–60 Years |
Study Max and Beth’s inventories on pages 180–181. They will serve as your guideline. Get a piece of paper and a pen and draw three columns. On the left, vertically list the time periods of your life in increments of ten years. Horizontally, at the top of each column, list three headlines: Good Files, Corrupt Files, and Results. Now go through your life, decade by decade, and write down every image, every thought, and every deed that God brings to mind. List the positive recollections in the column called Good Files and then the corresponding Result. List every negative image under Corrupt Files with its corresponding Result. As you write, pray,
Holy Spirit, I ask You to bring to mind the actions and images You want me to review for this period of my life. I give You permission to reveal anything I’ve suppressed or previously been unwilling to acknowledge. Search my heart. Expose what is hidden. I trust You to do this so I may be set free.
Here is how Max and Beth felt about taking their inventories.
Max: As I wrote my inventory, I saw clearly for the first time the connection between the negative images in the past and my wrong attitudes in the present. In the name of pornography, I’d broken promises, been dishonest with Beth and with myself, lusted, and developed a view of women that did not honor God. I hated the choices I’d made and who I was because of them. It took me a week to fully inventory my mind. Then one day, I felt as though the Lord said, “It is finished.”
Beth: When I had the abortions, I felt no remorse. Guilt showed up ten years later, after our daughter was born. When it did, it was in the form of outbursts of anger and depression. As our daughter grew older, I mentally calculated the ages of my aborted children and went deeper into despair. As for sex, it was something I did because Max needed it, not because I enjoyed it. I allowed myself to feel some pleasure but stopped before I got too carried away. I think it was my way of punishing myself for being so free before marriage. Doing the inventory exercise convicted me because I realized that all these years I’d not only punished myself, I’d also punished Max.
The purpose of taking inventory of your mind is to set you free. In Freedom from Your Past, Jimmy Evans, a pastor and counselor, says,
Like a surgeon who wishes he could cure a terrible disease with simple medication, I wish I could help people overcome terrible pain and scars in their past without talking about them and bringing them to light, but I can’t. Even though painful experiences and memories shouldn’t be glorified or prolonged, they do need to be honestly admitted and dealt with.[8]
Welcome conviction. Embrace truth. Allow each to do its work in your heart. Paul admonishes, “Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:9, NKJV). If you have erred in the past, tell God you are sorry —deeply sorry —for your wrong choices.
Perhaps your issue is not what you did but something someone else did to you. If you were wounded sexually, or if someone filled your head with misinformation or wrong images, you need to begin the process of forgiving them. Whether the corrupted files in your mind are the result of something you did or something someone did to you, the process of removing the files is the same: Go to God. He, and He alone, can remove the junk and make your mind new.
Ask God to Remove Your Corrupted Files
God is the only One who can permanently delete corrupted files in the mind. Read how he did this for Max and Beth.
Max: I sat in my torn leather office chair with my inventory in my lap, feeling nauseated. The summary of my life: I’d been selfish and lustful. I’d treated Beth like a sex object whose duty was to please me, rather than as a beautiful, thinking, feeling woman who loved me. Those corrupted files were death to me. I bowed my head and cried out loud, “God, how could I have been so stupid? So blind? Please, God. Please, Jesus. Forgive me. Take it all away. Make me clean. Please, please, please . . .”
Beth: God kept adding things to my inventory that I had not thought about in years. I was sitting in church when the fullness of my sin engulfed me. We were singing “I Stand Amazed”:
I see the nails
Piercing your skin,
My wicked heart
It hit me —hard. My sexual sin crucified Christ. My decision to abort drove the nails into His hands. I pounded the nails each time I gave my body to a man who was not my husband. When I finally understood this, I ran to the bathroom and cried for five minutes really, really hard. I whispered over and over, “I’m sorry, Jesus. Forgive me. I killed my babies. I violated my body. I was so very wrong. Remove the corruption, God.”
The Holy Spirit revealed to Max and Beth what they needed to know in order for God to clean up their minds. What about you? We’ve asked you to make an inventory because this is the first step in gaining freedom in your mind. Have you done this? If not, bow your head now. Ask Him to remove the junk. He delights in doing this for you. Oh, the joy of a mind made new!
Activate New Programs
Now that the corrupted files are gone, it’s time to install two programs: an operating system (the Word of God) and a virus protection program (reliance on the Holy Spirit). These two programs are designed to infuse your mind with new possibilities with your mate and protect you from past and future viruses. You have always had God’s Word, and the moment you received Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit came to live in you. But when it comes to sexuality, often you have not applied God’s Word or relied on the Holy Spirit. So we ask you to cling to God’s Word, to His Spirit.
When we put God’s Word into our minds, they are made new. This results in transformed thinking, which leads to transformed actions. Two important steps are involved in this transformation process: memorization and meditation.
When you memorize Scripture about God’s view of sex, you increase the Holy Spirit’s vocabulary in your life and change your sexual mind-set. If you haven’t already done so, we urge you to memorize Philippians 2:3-4:
After you have memorized Philippians 2:3-4, meditate on it. “Meditation is a dynamic process that changes your thought life as the first step in changing the rest of your life.”[18] It sends the roots of Scripture down deep as you personalize what you’ve memorized and pray it back to God.
Meditation is more than merely reciting the words of a verse; it involves talking to God about the message of the verse and praying it back to Him. One husband personalized Philippians 2:3-4 by writing this prayer:
God, I don’t really like this verse. It says that I am to “do nothing selfish” and to “think more highly of my wife” than of myself. I’m not doing well here, God. Help me. I want to think of her interests —what pleases her —and look at sex through her eyes. Please show me what all this means and how I can serve her rather than myself.
Maybe you’re thinking, I already know this. Every book I read that talks about transforming the mind says that I should memorize and meditate on God’s Word. Yes, you know it, but have you done it? This is what changes you! From personal experience, we know this to be true. Others also verify that their minds were renewed and healed when they immersed themselves in God’s Word and committed it to memory. Listen to how this worked for Serena:
Six months ago, after my husband left for work, a man broke into my home and brutally raped me. I tried to make love with my husband, but the sights, the sounds, of the horror continued to run across my mind like a fast-forwarded videotape. I met Linda at a conference. I told her what happened. She prayed for God to pull the violation from my mind. Then she said, “Serena, I want you to memorize one Scripture verse each week for the next four weeks about the beauty of your sexual relationship with your husband. Meditate on each verse and pray it back to God, daily asking Him to transform your mind. After four weeks, e-mail me and tell me what God has done.”
I did this for four weeks but knew I needed more time. Six weeks later, I wrote Linda: “I did what you said, and last night we made love. For the first time in eight months, I didn’t have any flashbacks!”
The Word of God can reprogram our minds and make them new!
Once you have installed God’s Word as your new operating system, you need to rely on the Holy Spirit as your virus protection program. He can alert you with a warning in your spirit when a virus is about to enter your mind. In that moment, you have a choice. You can quarantine files and later delete them so they do not affect your system, or you can ignore the warning and suffer the consequences.
Messages assault you daily. The menu box flashes, Quarantine: Yes or no? “Yes” will keep your mind free from infection; “no” will open your mind to corruption. Which will you choose?
Once you have installed the Word of God in your mind and given the Holy Spirit control over your thinking, you are ready for exciting possibilities. Freedom awaits you! In the joy of that freedom, you will learn a secret: You can use your mind to shift your body into sexual gear.
Shift Into Sexual Gear
Our friend Gayle was diagnosed with advanced stage-three breast cancer at age forty. For the next ten months, she endured every kind of cancer treatment offered —five rounds of high-dose chemo, stem-cell replacement, mastectomy, and radiation. As a result of all the treatment, she was menopausal and had one breast, no ovaries, and no uterus. Afterward, the cancer was gone, and so was her sex drive:
I couldn’t believe that God would heal my body but then leave me in a condition in which I felt nothing sexually. But with God’s help, I have learned how to shift my mind into sexual gear and now can ready my body for my husband. I have a deep passion for him that I never have had before. I find my desire is frequent if I am willing to shift my mind into gear. If this works for me, I know it can work for anyone.
Romans 12:2 says, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2, NLT). Max, Beth, Serena, and Gayle are all new people because God used their minds to change their thinking. As you read God’s Word and install it in your mind, you too will act differently and feel differently.
We are well aware this process can take time. For some, it has taken years. Even though we have outlined a few practical and helpful steps, setting your mind free is not about a program but about a Person —Jesus Christ. Trust Him. He wants your mind to be free even more than you do! Ask Him, trust Him, and don’t be surprised if He accomplishes something far beyond your wildest dreams.
SERVANT LOVERS: Allow God to set their minds free.
SELFISH LOVERS: Permit wrong images to remain in their minds, hindering their sexual relationships.
“You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
As lovely as Jerusalem,
As awesome as an army with banners.
Turn your eyes away from me,
For they have confused me;
Your hair is like a flock of goats
That have descended from Gilead.
Your teeth are like a flock of ewes
Which have come up from their washing,
All of which bear twins,
And not one among them has lost her young.
Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate
Behind your veil.
There are sixty queens and eighty concubines,
And maidens without number;
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique:
She is her mother’s only daughter;
She is the pure child of the one who bore her.
The maidens saw her and called her blessed,
The queens and the concubines also, and they praised her, saying,
‘Who is this that grows like the dawn,
As beautiful as the full moon,
As pure as the sun,
As awesome as an army with banners?’”
SONG OF SOLOMON 6:4-10
