CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Be Free to Forgive
Here is a scene played out in bedrooms all across the country:
HUSBAND: “I want sex.”
WIFE: “No way, I’m exhausted. Leave me alone.”
HUSBAND: “Okay —I will.” (rolls over)
Later . . .
WIFE: “You always think about yourself and your needs.”
HUSBAND: “And you care more about sleep than loving me.”
Here is what we saw happen in Solomon and Tirzah’s bedroom in chapter 11:
SOLOMON: “I want sex.”
TIRZAH: “It’s after midnight! Leave me alone.”
SOLOMON: “Okay —I will.” (He leaves.)
Later . . .
WIFE (TO HERSELF): You are my lover and my friend.
HUSBAND (TO HER): “You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”
Solomon and Tirzah had been hurt. He demanded late-night sex. She rejected him. Yet now Solomon and Tirzah lavish each other with loving words and actions. In this chapter, we see how to respond sacrificially and forgive when our spouse has hurt us.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Solomon to Tirzah: “You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as awesome as an army with banners.” (6:4)
Once again praise flows from Solomon’s lips. This is the third wasf in the Song. He compares his wife to the city of Tirzah (remember, this reference is what caused us to call the bride Tirzah), the chief city of northern Israel, and to Jerusalem, the capital of southern Israel. Both cities were set on a hill, both were renowned for their splendor. First, Solomon says his wife is like Tirzah, a city of natural and rustic beauty with inviting gardens and groves. Then he tells her she is as lovely as Jerusalem, which was called “the perfection of beauty” (Psalm 50:2). Jerusalem was said to stir the soul and evoke awe in those who gazed upon her majesty.[1]
It is possible that these metaphors describe not only her beauty but also her character. Tirzah comes from a root meaning “to be pleasant,” and the word Jerusalem alludes to “a foundation of well-being.”[2] Later in the Song, Tirzah describes herself as the one who brings shalom, or peace, well-being, and security (see Song 8:10). The fullness of Solomon’s words declares that her inner beauty and outer beauty move him deeply. He exclaims —two times —that she is “as awesome as an army with banners” (see verse 10). It is unclear exactly what this means, but the phrase could possibly be translated as “splendid to look upon.”
Solomon to Tirzah: “Turn your eyes away from me, for they have confused me.” (verse 5)
So great is the power of his wife’s eyes to churn him up inside that Solomon begs her to turn them away from him. He is “overwhelmed, excited, overpowered, unsettled!”[3] A modern-day paraphrase might go something like this:
Avert your tantalizing eyes,
Your gaze which threatens danger.
Your awesome beauty has the power
To churn the depths of deep desire,
To light the fire of yearning strong
That drains me of all strength.
A helpless victim I am left,
A slave at beauty’s mercy,
Weak captive of magnificence.[4]
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your hair is like a flock of goats that have descended from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of ewes which have come up from their washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost her young.” (verses 5-6)
If you are thinking, I’ve heard this before, you are right. Solomon is about to pull out the Top Three Creative Compliments again (we’ll explain why in a moment). Remember, while these would not be the compliments we would choose today, they were, nonetheless, compliments (see Song 4:1 on pages 119–120 and Song 4:2 on page 120).
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate behind your veil.” (verse 7, see also 4:3)
Next, a replay of the pomegranate/cheek compliment. Not once, not twice, but three times Solomon reiterates the same imagery he used on their wedding night. Why? Was it because he’d misplaced his thesaurus and run out of adjectives? No. Solomon understood that the language of love bears repeating. Relationships are oiled and healed with praise. His compliments were well chosen to communicate a vital message to his wife. Instead of withdrawing or lashing out because she had hurt him, he chooses to praise her with the very same words he used to praise her the night they were married.
Tirzah’s heart leaps —he loves her just as he loved her before she rejected him. Solomon communicates, “Nothing has changed. Regardless of how you respond to me, this does not affect the love I have for you. Yes, you have hurt and rejected me, but I choose to view you through the eyes of love with which I saw you the day we made our vows.”
Solomon to Tirzah: “There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and maidens without number; but my dove, my perfect one, is unique. She is her mother’s only daughter; she is the pure child of the one who bore her.” (verses 8-9)
Some have thought that the eighty concubines and sixty queens mentioned here refer to Solomon’s harem, as described in 1 Kings 11:3, but this reference does not mention Solomon by name or in any way indicate that these are his queens and concubines. Instead, Solomon looks at all the other women around him and says, “My Tirzah outshines them all.” She is unique —her mother’s only daughter. She is pure. She is perfect. But Solomon is not the only one overcome by her beauty and worth. All of the women in Jerusalem join their king with effusive praise of the bride.
Solomon to Tirzah: “The maidens saw her and called her blessed, the queens and concubines also, and they praised her, saying, ‘Who is this that grows like the dawn, as beautiful as the full moon, as pure as the sun, as awesome as an army with banners?’” (verses 9-10)
Usually women do not praise other women —there is too much envy among them —but Tirzah’s beauty brings forth no such division. A wave of praise rises from the women; like the dawn, Tirzah’s beauty becomes brighter as they observe her. She is like the most beautiful of full moons, lighting the atmosphere where she walks. Her purity goes before her like the sun, and just as an army marches with flowing banners that rustle in the breeze, she carries a magnificence about her person.
APPLYING THE SONG TO COUPLES
Linda and Lorraine: We like Solomon’s response! Even if we hurt Jody and Peter, we want them to heap on the praise.
Jody and Peter: We like Tirzah’s response! When we act like jerks, we want Linda and Lorraine to daydream about our bodies.
All four of us want to be like Tirzah and Solomon, to respond to our mate as a servant lover rather than as a selfish lover, but unfortunately that doesn’t always happen. Our spouse does something that deeply hurts us, so we shut down. What comes out of our lips? Not praise but hurtful words meant to sting and wound.
But Solomon responded to his wife’s rejection with praise. How was that possible? Nowhere in the Song does he say, “Tirzah, I forgive you,” but it is obvious that he had. In order for Solomon to praise his wife with sincerity and enthusiasm, he had to have forgiven her. Because forgiveness is such a critical component of every marriage, we want to focus on it here.
Offer a Cup of Forgiveness
Marriage has been called the union of two good forgivers. When you live as one flesh, share the same soap, and constantly rub shoulders, it is impossible not to rub each other the wrong way. As marriage partners, we miscommunicate, misunderstand, and miss the sexual cues given by our partner. When your spouse has been selfish, insensitive, and demanding, what does God want you to do? Forgive.
Tracy and Tom’s marriage started out great, but by the time their four kids entered middle school, it was in the pits. Tracy felt that she was doing everything at home and that Tom was happy to let her carry the load. One day, God convicted Tracy’s heart that she needed to stop being so critical toward Tom.
She prayed for several days about how to do that. Then the perfect idea came to her. On their wedding day, a friend had given them a “forgiveness cup” and said, “Whenever you do something to offend the other person, fill this cup up with something to drink and say, ‘I’m sorry I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?’ If the other person accepts your apology, he or she should drink from the cup.” Unfortunately, the cup had gotten lost during a move five years earlier. She purchased a new one and then told Tom, “We need to talk.” We’ll let Tracy tell you what happened.
Tom was nervous because when I said, “We need to talk,” he heard, “I’m going to blast you for something you’ve done wrong.” He sat on the couch. I sat on the floor at his feet. I said, “Before we talk, I have a gift to give you.” He looked surprised because a gift was the last thing he expected. He opened it. “Do you know what this is?” I asked. He stammered, “Is it an ‘I’m sorry cup’?” “Yes, Tom. That’s what I wanted to talk about. I’m sorry that I have been critical and judgmental of you. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” He grabbed me and, with tears in his eyes, kissed me.
Six months later, Tracy reports that she and Tom have recaptured the sweetness of love that existed in their early years of marriage. The turning point in their marriage occurred when Tracy humbled herself and said, “Please forgive me.”
Servant lovers are forgivers. Sometimes it’s easier to offer a forgiveness cup than at other times. The Song records Tirzah sexually rejecting Solomon once. But what happens when a husband or wife faces the ultimate rejection —the decision of his or her mate to have an affair? How do we forgive when the pain cuts to the core of our masculinity and femininity? It seems impossible, but as Jack discovered, it isn’t:
Toni and I sat on the bed, the very bed where we’d made love many times during our eighteen years of marriage, as she confessed that five years ago, she’d had an affair with her former boss. I felt like I’d been stabbed with a knife. Even though our marriage wasn’t great, I’d always trusted her. I couldn’t believe she would betray me that way.
For the next two months, anger gripped me. I was mad at myself for being such a blind fool, believing all her lies and deception. And I was angry with Toni. Not only had she let another man touch her sexually, she had pursued him for over a year. Two months later, when I’d come to the place of truly wanting to forgive this woman who was the mother of our three children, she confessed something else that rocked my world. Not only had there been another man, in the last year there had been another woman.
I was devastated and disgusted. I could not fathom what had driven her to do this. Because of her actions, I doubted my own manhood. What was there about me that was so repulsive that she would seek to be intimate with a man and a woman, when she was reluctant to have sex with me?
I shut down emotionally. Yes, this was the answer: feel nothing, file for divorce, put this behind me, and move on. But one day as I was reading my Bible, God spoke to me from Malachi: “I hate divorce.” He whispered to me, “Fight for your marriage, Jack.” How, God? I have no desire to even be with her! God assured me, “I will help you. You will learn to forgive her as I have forgiven you.”
This began a process that was painfully difficult because I had to dole out more forgiveness than I felt I possessed. God gave me the grace to say, “I forgive you for being unfaithful,” but the big decision to forgive was easier to make than the small daily choices to forgive. Memories, images in my mind, accusing thoughts —all were little knives that dug into me.
You lied about having to work late the Friday of Kaley’s parent teacher conference. Instead of being with us, you were with him. I forgive you.
You went with him to see the movie I wanted to see with you. I forgive you.
You allowed another woman to satisfy you sexually, but when I wanted to love you, you said, “I’m not in the mood.” I forgive you.
On and on and on. The cuts were so deep that the moment one part began to heal, another part began to bleed.
If you think Jack and Toni’s story is hopeless, you have grossly underestimated the healing power of the Almighty. Five years later, you would not recognize this couple, very much in love, as they renewed their wedding vows. After five years of tears and counseling —Toni’s sexual abuse as a young girl greatly influenced her many wrong choices —she and Jack are truly “new creations” (2 Corinthians 5:17, NIV). Formerly the walking wounded, they now serve as living testimonies that “nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
“Lord, how often shall my [mate] sin against me and I forgive [him or her]? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22, modified)
We believe that God asks us to forgive our spouse because He understands that without forgiveness, the flame of love dies; bitterness and resentment extinguish it.
Uproot Bitterness
Margo understands just how destructive bitterness can be. She says that when she first learned about Butch’s affair, she was so angry that if she’d had a gun she would have shot him. “How could you?” she raged. “You promised this would never happen!”
Every day a thousand accusations fed her bitterness:
- You promised on our wedding day to be faithful.
- When your dad cheated on your mom, you swore you’d never do such a horrible thing to me.
- Creep. You didn’t even have the decency to cheat with a stranger —you chose our friend.
- Liar. I asked you a few months ago, “Are we okay?” and you said, “Sure, honey, we’re fine.”
Adding to her sense of injustice was Butch’s indifference about the pain he’d caused her. Margo couldn’t sleep; she lost weight. Her eyes were puffy from crying. She looked and felt like the walking dead.
She saw no possible way for her and Butch to repair the damage that had been done, so they separated. Three months into the separation, Margo made an appointment to talk to Joyce, her pastor’s wife. Margo tells us what transpired:
Joyce took one look at me and said, “Margo, you look terrible. You are so bitter that it’s killing you. You have to forgive Butch —for your sake.”
“But he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven,” I cried.
“No, Margo, he doesn’t. None of us deserves forgiveness. But right now, this is not about Butch; this is about you. Your sin of unforgiveness and bitterness is no less than his sin of adultery.”
I was stunned. Butch was the one who had sinned. How dare she accuse me of sin. But truth rose above my indignation. Oh God, she’s right! I’ve been so focused on Butch’s sin that I missed my own.
I sobbed into a wad of tissue and then looked at Joyce. “I can’t do this anymore. I want this bitter root gone. I’m ready to forgive Butch. Tell me what to do.”
“Close your eyes. Picture in your mind a big fishhook. Now picture Butch hanging from that hook. The reason you feel so much weight is because he is on your hook and you are carrying that with you everywhere you go. You’ve been carrying this around so long that it has poisoned and weakened you, and the weight has become too much.”
I nodded as the tears streamed down my face.
She continued, “Margo, tell the Lord you are going to release Butch from your hook.”
“God,” I sobbed. “This weight is too much. I release Butch. He is no longer on my hook. I let him go.”
Relief was immediate. The weight lifted. Then Joyce said, “Margo, look at your hook. Nothing is there. That is why you feel lighter. But there is another hook —God’s hook. Now that you’ve let Butch off your hook, he is on God’s hook, where he belongs, and God will deal with him.”
That day, two miracles occurred. The first miracle was that Margo acknowledged her own sin and released Butch to God. This action pulled out the root of bitterness. The second miracle occurred a few hours later when her cell phone rang. It was Butch. They had not spoken in three months. He cried into the phone, “Margo, honey, I’ve been wrong —so very, very wrong. Can we get together and talk?”
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled. (Hebrews 12:15)
Anoint with Forgiveness
Extending forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do as Christians. This is especially true when our mate has betrayed us by being sexually intimate with someone else. Often husbands and wives say to us, “I have tried to forgive. I think I’ve forgiven, but then when the images come again, I wonder if I really have.” This was Connie’s problem. Like Margo’s husband, Connie’s husband had been unfaithful, and Connie wanted out of the roller-coaster ride of questioning if she had forgiven him. To move forward, Connie decided to cement in her mind that she had made the choice to forgive by acting out her forgiveness in a beautiful way:
I was shaking as I asked my husband to stand in front of me. I took off all of his clothes, and with a bottle of scented oil, I anointed his body.
I touched his forehead: “I forgive your mind for thinking thoughts of her.”
I touched his eyes: “I forgive your eyes for looking at her.”
I touched his ears: “I forgive your ears for listening to her.”
I touched his hands: “I forgive your hands for touching her.”
After anointing every part of his body, I came to his feet. “I forgive your feet for walking toward her.” As the words came, tears cascaded down my face. Relief flooded me. The past was truly in the past —for us both.
Every couple knows the agony of making the choice to forgive. It would help if, when your mate offended you, he or she would fall on the floor at your feet and, with tears, beg your forgiveness and then as a sign of deep repentance, run out and buy you a new Ferrari in your favorite color. But God says we are to forgive even if the person has not asked for forgiveness. He says, “Forgive as you have been forgiven”:
Forgive unconditionally
Forgive freely
Forgive repeatedly
We encourage you to buy a forgiveness cup and use it often with your mate and kids. Apologizing clears the air and offers a new beginning.
When there is a problem
And you are the one to blame
Don’t demand your rights
Be humble in Jesus’ name
Offer the cup of forgiveness
To the one you have offended
When you say “I’m sorry,”
Relationships are mended.[6]
SERVANT LOVERS: Offer forgiveness when wounded.
SELFISH LOVERS: Hold a grudge and use it as a weapon against their mate.
“I went down to the orchard of nut trees
To see the blossoms of the valley,
To see whether the vine had budded
Or the pomegranates had bloomed.
Before I was aware, my soul set me
Over the chariots of my noble people.”
THE CHORUS TO TIRZAH:
“Come back, come back, Shulammite;
Come back, come back, that we may gaze at you!”
TIRZAH TO THE CHORUS AND TO SOLOMON:
“Why should you gaze at the Shulammite,
As at the dance of the two companies?”
SOLOMON TO TIRZAH:
“How beautiful are your feet in sandals,
O prince’s daughter!
The curves of your hips are like jewels,
The work of the hands of an artist.
Your navel is like a round goblet
Which never lacks mixed wine;
Your belly is like a heap of wheat
Fenced about with lilies.
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like a tower of ivory,
SOLOMON TO TIRZAH (CONTINUED):
Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon
By the gate of Bath-rabbim;
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon,
Which faces toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Carmel,
And the flowing locks of your head
are like purple threads;
The king is captivated by your tresses.
How beautiful and how delightful you are,
My love, with all your charms!
Your stature is like a palm tree,
And your breasts are like its clusters.
I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’
Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,
And your mouth like the best wine!”
TIRZAH TO SOLOMON:
“It goes down smoothly for my beloved,
Flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.
I am my beloved’s,
And his desire is for me.”
SONG OF SOLOMON 6:11–7:10
