Etiquette Book

When it comes to etiquette, there is a time and a place for almost everything. Ripped clothing with paint splatters is perfect for a Sunday afternoon of cleaning out closets, but this type of outfit wouldn’t cut it at the opera. Similarly, cheering at the top of your lungs is fine at a hockey game but would be completely out of place at a museum. Understanding the appropriate attire, behavior, and communication (those etiquette ABCs) for any particular outing is essential for your enjoyment as well as the enjoyment of those around you.

Dining out can be a lovely experience or it can be, well, dinner and a show—but not in a good way. The behavior of the waitstaff, your tablemates, and the other patrons in the restaurant can all have an impact on your meal. Of course, you cannot control the way others act, but you can do everything in your power to ensure that you are making the dining experience enjoyable for everyone involved. Whether at a seaside fish shack or the swankiest restaurant in town, codes of conduct exist to ensure that the atmosphere does not negatively affect anyone’s appetite. (For an in-depth discussion on table manners, see Chapter 4.)

When getting food at such highly informal places as beachside shacks, hot-dog carts, and concessions stands, there are only a handful of considerations. First, never assume that the vendor accepts credit cards. If the stop is an anticipated one, be prepared with cash, so as not to go hungry or put a companion in the position of needing to pay for you. If the stop is spontaneous, you should ascertain the accepted forms of payment before it is actually time to pay; you do not want to end up holding up the line because you arrived at the register expecting to pay with plastic and then had to scour every pocket to scrape together the necessary cash.

While you are on line, wait patiently for your turn and make sure to give the person in front of you room to breathe. Review the menu as you wait, and be prepared to order by the time you reach the front. Special orders should be kept to a minimum. If required, step aside as your order is prepared.

Should you catch sight of a line jumper, it is always best to act as though the person were simply unaware of the offense. Politely state, “Oh, excuse me; I’m sure you didn’t realize this, but the line starts over there.” Many people are just in their own little world, and a kind word or two will usually remedy the situation. If this approach is unsuccessful, you may bring the situation to the attention of the vendor.

Food and beverage stands often have tip jars at the spot where you pay for your order. Whether or not to tip is completely up to you. Generally, this type of service is not tipped; however, if you frequent the place or prefer not to carry your change, tips are, of course, always appreciated. When you finish your food, dispose of your trash in the appropriate receptacles and return any trays to the proper place.

Unlike your local eateries, the coffee cafés have a dual function. The first is to grab and go. The second is sit and savor. For the grab and go crowd, know your order as you approach the counter. If the concoctions and creations are unfamiliar to you, do stand aside until you know what you would like. You will pay when you order, so have your wallet at the ready. As with other counter service spots, there will be tips jars clearly visible. If you have loose change or are particularly pleased with the crew, feel free to tip, but tipping for grab and go is completely non-obligatory. Move on down the line to claim your coffee and proceed to the fixings bar for cream, milk, sweeteners, stirrers, and napkins. If the supplies have diminished, do let the employees know so they can refresh for you. If you sprinkle sugar or dribble some cream, grab a napkin and tidy up after yourself. If there has been a coffee catastrophe, such as your entire drink toppling over onto the counter, notify the staff and ask for assistance.

No matter how tight your deadline for your morning meeting, getting coffee is a non-contact sport. Wait your turn rather than reaching over others for your preferred dairy product. During the morning caffeine crunch, doctor your drink quickly to keep traffic flowing. For those in the sit and savor crowd, you too would order quickly and pay. If you are planning to linger, if you will be taking up space at a table, or if you are a regular, then you should consider contributing to the tip jar. Just like the grab and goers, you will need to keep the lightener and sweetener area neat and clear. Many of the coffee cafés are designed to have you linger while you enjoy your drink; if the space is empty, then a bit beyond too. If there are other customers vulturing your table, be courteous with your time and allow others to sit once you are through. If your internet café of choice has specific table time guidelines, respect and honor them. For example, some will request you order a new drink after an hour’s time.

At fast-food places and cafeterias, where speedy service is a main feature, the atmosphere is of course casual. Nonetheless, as in other relaxed settings, you need to be considerate of others. This includes allowing others their personal space while you wait on line to place your order or receive your food; being prepared with your order and your wallet when you get to the front of the line; and busing your tray at the end of your meal. In some of these establishments, members of the staff will actually bus the tables, in which case you may obviously leave your tray. If you are unsure about the protocol in a particular place, pay attention while you are eating to see if staff members are clearing trays. In places where this is taken care of for you, you should decide to leave a small tip of 5 percent or one dollar, whichever is greater, on the table. Even in more boisterous venues, you should keep your voice level in check. Whether you are with a friend or dining alone, but on the phone, your conversation should not disturb those around you. Should you need to borrow salt, pepper, ketchup, sugar, or creamer from a neighboring table, politely ask, “Excuse me, may I borrow the . . . ?” When you are finished with the item, return it so your neighbor does not need to ask for it back.

In busier establishments, finding an available table can be a somewhat stressful experience. Whether or not it is acceptable for you to “reserve” a table by having one person sit there while the others in the group get the food is highly specific to the location. Generally, patrons with young children or those in need of assistance will sit down at a table and send a delegate to order food for the group. When you are eating by yourself and there are no available tables, you may ask to share a table of another singleton if there is an open seat. Be sure to ask before sitting. If the patron declines, do not sit. It is difficult to enjoy a meal with a surly tablemate. If and when you notice a crowd beginning to form, while there is no need to rush, you should not linger over your meal. Vulturing patrons can be acknowledged by eye contact as you ingest the last few bites of your meal. When you are the one circling a table, make eye contact while maintaining a respectful distance. Only make your move once those at the table rise from their chairs.

When it comes to such casual eateries as diners, pubs, and cafés, the level of informality, as well as the standard protocol, will vary from place to place. As you enter, take note of whether there is a host seating customers or a sign indicating that you should seat yourself, and act accordingly. Once you are settled at your table, if there is not a menu there already and no one brings one within a few minutes, you should try to catch a staff member’s eye to beckon him or her to your table and then politely ask for your server. After you have decided what you want to order, close your menu, as this sends a signal to the waitstaff that you are ready. If you wish to linger at the end of your meal, you may do so, provided there is not a line of customers waiting for your table. It is always nice to have a good time, but keep your conversations, laughter, and revelry at a volume level that is not disruptive to others.

At the end of the meal, the usual custom is that if a bill is brought to your table as a single piece of paper and left there, you should take it to the register and pay on your way out. If you have the proper amount of cash, you may leave the tip at your table as you rise to go pay the bill. Otherwise, you may pay the bill and then return to the table to leave the tip. When paying by credit card and there is place on the slip for a tip, you may add the tip to your total. If the bill is brought on a small tray or in a folio, then you can assume that your server will be returning and you should leave your payment on the tray or in the folio at the edge of your table. The guideline for tipping is 15–20 percent of the bill. Of course, if the service was exceptional, do feel free to be generous.

Counter customers in diners, pubs, and cafés will find their experience similar to those seated at tables. If you are in a chatty mood, you certainly can engage, or be engaged, in conversation with your neighbors. If not, answer briefly and then behave as if your food is truly fascinating. Unlike counter service in take-out situations, when seated, you will need to tip your server 10–20 percent, but a minimum of at least a dollar is kind.

At more formal restaurants, your dining experience will follow a prescribed practice. Contact the restaurant well in advance to ask if reservations are necessary. If you have not dined there before, you should also determine the dress code; additionally, you may wish to review the menu and pricing, as well as confirm whether or not smoking is allowed or alcohol is served.

If you will be dining with friends or colleagues, you may want to go the extra mile and make note of any interesting facts about the venue, owner, or chef. Doing so will not only provide you with an appropriate topic for table talk, but also enable you to enrich the dining experience of your companions. For instance, the building in which the restaurant is located may have some historical significance, the owner might be a famous sports star, or the chef may have recently moved from a well-known establishment in another city.

PRELIMINARIES When meeting others at a restaurant, endeavor to arrive a few minutes early so that no one need wait for you. If you are the host for the meal, you will need to be there early enough to finalize any last-minute details before your guests begin to appear. (For additional information on hosting a gathering at a restaurant, Having a Guest of Honor.) Regardless of whether you are the host or a guest, upon your arrival, check in with the restaurant’s host to confirm your reservation and let him or her know you are there or to request a table.

At an elegant establishment, when you arrive, someone will offer to take your outerwear or direct you to an attended coatroom. In this situation, if you have a coat, a jacket, an umbrella, and/or packages, you should check them. This way, you do not end up cluttering the area around the table and creating obstacles for the waitstaff. In less formal restaurants, there may be a self-service coatrack or umbrella stand. Should you decide to leave your belongings unattended, remove any valuables on the off chance another patron mistakenly ends up taking your coat or shopping bag. It is best to leave wet items at the door, but dry outerwear may stay with you. If you decide to take your coat to the table, be sure to handle it neatly. Once you reach your table, while standing, fold the coat vertically shoulder to shoulder, tuck the arms behind, and drape the coat over the back of your chair so that the collar will be even with your lower back. Fur coats may also be worn to the table, though their removal requires a different procedure. While standing, remove your arms from the sleeves so the coat rests on your shoulders. Then sit and shrug the coat off your shoulders onto the back of your chair.

If upon checking in with the restaurant’s host you discover that the rest of your party has not yet arrived, a number of different options might be open to you depending on the situation. If your table is ready, it is possible that the maître d’ will go ahead and seat you. When there is a chance your table will not be held, it is best to sit; some restaurants, however, will not seat patrons until all the guests in their party have assembled. Should you take your seat at the table, you may want to use the time to review the menu. If you decide to wait near the entrance or by the maître d’s station, be sure to step aside so that others may pass. You may also have the option of waiting in the lounge, if there is one; just be sure to ask that the rest of your party be informed that you have arrived. If you are the host or if you do not know those joining you well, you should refrain from ordering a drink until at least one other member of your party has arrived. To order before the rest of the group can send a silent signal that you have been kept waiting.

Upon the arrival of everyone in your group, or when your table becomes available, you will proceed to the dining room. Drinks should be left in the lounge unless you have only recently ordered them, in which case a member of the waitstaff will bring them to your table. In the majority of cases, you will pay for each round as it is ordered, tipping the bartender as appropriate. On occasion, you may run a bar tab, which should be settled before transitioning to your table. On other occasions, the bar tab will be added to your dinner bill. When this is the case, be sure to designate a tip for the bartender too.

The maître d’ will lead the way to the table. If you have invited just one person to dinner, allow your guest to go ahead of you. If you are hosting multiple guests, follow immediately behind the maître d’, ahead of your guests, so that you are ready and waiting at the table to help guide them to their seats. (For information on seating arrangements.)

Knowing how to conduct yourself well around alcohol is integral to achieving a successful social persona and a polished professional image. If you are dining with others and unsure about how alcohol will be handled, take a cue from those at your table; if they order drinks, then you should feel free to follow suit if you so desire. While it is commonly understood that a mixed drink, a beer, or a glass of wine all have approximately the same alcohol content, you should consider your surroundings before choosing a beverage. In general, a glass of wine is a safe bet. Consider what the other people in your party are drinking and choose a similar drink.

PLACING YOUR ORDER Once everyone is comfortably seated, introductions and pleasantries should be exchanged, drink orders placed, and menus reviewed. When deciding what to order, there are a number of considerations to take into account. One issue involves how many courses to order. When dining out, you and your companions should all order the same number and types of courses. (This is an element of what is known as the symmetry of dining.) When a course is served, no one should end up with a void at his or her place. For instance, some members of the party should not be enjoying their appetizers while others look on hungrily. If your gathering has a host, this individual should indicate how many courses to order. If he or she does not, or if there is no host, take your cues from the rest of your tablemates. If you are the first to order in this situation, order just an entrée. If it turns out that others will be having appetizers and salad, then you should add those to your order as well. This can easily be done by saying something along the lines of “A watercress and endive salad sounds lovely, I’ll have one too please.”

This symmetry extends to drinks as well. If others at your table are ordering drinks, so should you. That said, not all of the drinks must be alcoholic. It is perfectly acceptable to order a soft drink or sparkling water when others are having cocktails or wine. Note that you do not need to order a drink every time someone else does as long as you still have some of your beverage in your glass. As glasses are emptied and additional drinks ordered, so long as the waitstaff clears used stemware when bringing fresh drinks, each diner will have a drink in front of him or her, even if not everyone is on the same round.

When deciding what to order, you should also take into account the prices of the various dishes. When you are being treated to a meal, do not order the most expensive item on the menu, as doing so would be taking advantage of the host’s generosity. (If the host highly recommends the most expensive dish to you, strongly suggests that you get it, and is ordering it for him- or herself, then you may too.) Note that it is also important not to order the least expensive item on the menu, as this action can be highly insulting to your host; it is as though you are saying that it was so sweet of your host to invite you out for a meal, but you fear that he or she may not be able to cover the bill. In extremely high-end restaurants, only the host’s menu will have prices listed. If you are someone’s guest in this situation, use your judgment. Clearly the twin lobster tails will be more expensive than the chicken.

Your taste preferences will also obviously come into play when selecting your meal. Note that while you should order something you will enjoy, you should not completely rewrite the recipe. It is one thing to ask the kitchen to leave out the olives; it is another to provide instructions on how to create the sauce.

Some restaurants will allow for the sharing of meals. This should occur only between people who know each other well, in a situation where there is no host, and in a setting that is not terribly formal. If you plan to split an order, the waitstaff can prepare the plates in the kitchen so that you do not need to do the work at the table. This saves you from potentially creating a mess. Note that some restaurants will charge you extra for sharing a meal. When this is the case, the policy is usually stated on the menu.

If someone is hosting your meal, the server will acknowledge that individual when it is time to order. The host, in turn, will indicate to the server whose order should be taken first. This decision may be based upon rank in business situations, gender and age in social situations, or simply the host’s preferences.

Note that later on in the meal, when it comes time to order dessert, the symmetry of dining guidelines still apply. If others are ordering dessert, you should too. If you are watching your figure, you may opt for fresh fruit, which is almost always an option, even when not listed on the menu. If others are having coffee or tea, you should order a hot beverage as well.

TRICKY SITUATIONS On occasion, you will be confronted with an awkward, uncomfortable, or unpleasant situation while dining out. When this is the case, you will need to assess the matter before taking any action. If someone dining at another table is loudly using inappropriate language, removing his or her shoes, smoking in the nonsmoking section, or engaging in some other disturbing behavior, the first step is to give the offender a passing yet steady look. If this does not do the trick, enlist the aid of the waitstaff as discreetly as possible. Do not confront the individual directly, and do not make a scene at your table.

Mind Your Manners

Dining with others can be telling. You may see a different side of someone—not just in that individual’s table manners but also in how he or she treats others. An acquaintance may be lovely to you, but disrespectful and rude to the waitstaff. People’s manners while out on the town speak volumes about their true character. You should keep this in mind with regard to your own behavior as well.

When you need to get your server’s attention, be sure to go about this in the proper fashion. It may be common in the movies for someone to signal a server by snapping in the air while calling out, but this is rude behavior. Instead, make eye contact with your server and beckon him or her to your table. If you do not see your particular server for a while, take the same approach with another member of the waitstaff and inform that individual that you need your server. As a last resort, you may excuse yourself from the table and find the manager or maître d’ to ask for your server.

LEFTOVERS Before asking to have your leftover food wrapped up to take home, evaluate the situation. If you are out with an important client, on a job interview, on a first date, or someone’s guest, it is best not to request a doggie bag. If you are out with friends, then taking your leftovers with you is perfectly acceptable.

PAYING THE BILL When you are hosting, the most sophisticated way to handle the bill is to arrange with management to pay the bill once your guests have departed. The bill arriving at the table creates an uncomfortable tension at the end of what should have been a lovely meal. If when reviewing a bill you find inconsistencies, inquire about the particular charge. To avoid any discomfort, it is critical that discussing and paying the bill is not conducted in front of guests or clients. Whenever possible, it is better to resolve the issue at the time than to try to do so after the fact. If there was a problem with the meal or the service, it is important that you inform the manager or maître d’. After all, the person in charge cannot fix an unknown problem. Once you have brought the situation to the attention of the appropriate person, he or she will have the opportunity to remedy your experience. Note that it is unacceptable to leave no tip, or a tip of below 15 percent, without letting the manager or maître d’ know that there was a problem with the service.

Often when dining in a group, the bill will be shared by the members of the party. There are two different ways to go about this. One is for each person to pay just for his or her portion of the meal (in other words, just for what he or she ate and drank), as well as the appropriate share of tip and tax. Be aware that while this seems to be a fair approach, it does not always work out that way. On occasion, you may find that the payments contributed by members of your party are not sufficient to cover the bill. If you are the one reviewing the bill and the payment, you must take control of the situation. At this point, you might call out the owed amounts or pass the bill around again, hoping others own up to their portions. Chances are, the problem was an honest error and this will take care of the matter. If not, stay calm and keep counting, gently encouraging everyone to pay up: “Joe, don’t forget that extra round you ordered, and Leona, you only had a soda—you’ve paid too much!” As a last resort, to prevent shorting the waitstaff, you may need to make up the difference for your friends who are generosity-challenged and keep this experience in mind the next time you dine together. Separate bills may be in order.

The other option is to divide the bill equally among the members of the group. This tends to work well when everyone is of similar financial means. However, that may not be the case, and you should be sensitive to inequities. If you partook of the surf and turf and enjoyed more than one round of cocktails, graciously ante up more than those who supped on salad and tonic water with lime.

ENDING THE MEAL As you stand up after the meal, return your napkin to the table, exit your seat to the right, push your chair into the table, and make your way to the front of the restaurant. Retrieve any belongings from the coat check or coat rack, and don your outerwear in the entryway as you say your good-byes. Coat checks are an often overlooked service. The attendant should be tipped; the guideline is typically one dollar per item. If you check costly items or anything in need of extra attention, more should be given.

When attending the theater, symphony, opera, or ballet, it is important to adhere to the behavioral guidelines associated with these types of performances. These guidelines exist to ensure the enjoyment of the audience, as well as to prevent the performers from being distracted.

In the past, patrons would always dress to the nines for these types of performances. Now, gowns and tuxedos are reserved for opening night, solo debuts, and gala events, while the dress code at other performances is less stringent. Your attire should express your appreciation for the arts and artists as well as respect of yourself and others. Jeans and T-shirts, no matter how pricey, are casual clothing and should be saved for casual events.

Plan to arrive early when attending these performances. You should be settled in your seat—with your personal belongings stowed away—before the show commences. Note that in many venues, the ushers will not seat you once the performance has begun, and you will need to wait until intermission. When scheduling your arrival, allow time for a visit to the restroom, as getting up in the middle of the show will not be well received—and you may not be permitted to return to your seat while the performers are onstage. If you want to have a drink or snack at the theater, you should also allow time for this, as in many venues, food and beverages are restricted to the lobby and/or lounge. When picking up tickets at will call, make sure you are aware of any time limits for doing this.

During intermission and at the conclusion of the performance, people tend to rush for the restrooms. Elbowing others aside is not acceptable. You must patiently wait your turn. If it is an emergency, you may make your needs known to those in line and ask to go ahead of them. Generally, young children, pregnant women, and those who are disabled are graciously allowed to skip to the front. When it is your turn, do not linger if others are waiting.

Seats are usually assigned in advance for these types of performances. If your seat is on or near the aisle, you may want to linger in the lobby for a bit to avoid having to stand and sit back down repeatedly as others file into your row. When others need to get by, you should stand to create more room for them to pass. Or, if you are not seated too far into the row, you may file out and then back in to your seat. When you need to walk past others to reach your seat, face the stage and move sideways to prevent contact. You should also make sure not to touch the seats in front of you with your body or your belongings so as not to bother anyone there. Once seated, make sure that your personal belongings are not spilling over into another person’s seat or leg area. Be aware of the person behind you as well. You should not drape your coat over the back of your seat so that it lands in this individual’s lap or personal space. Quarters tend to be tight in these venues, so it is especially important to be respectful of others. You will also need to determine which armrest you are going to use—both is not an option. Some experts will insist you always lean right, others prefer that you lean left. Use your best judgment and pay attention to what your neighbors are doing. Before the show begins, all electronic devices should be turned off. If you think you are going to need a cough drop, it is best to pop one in your mouth before the curtain rises or, at the very least, take it out of your pocket or purse by that point so that you are not creating a rustling sound or shifting around in your seat while people are trying to focus on the action on the stage.

For summer series concerts, where lawn seating is allowed, be courteous of your neighbors. Do your best to avoid setting up folding chairs in front of people who are sitting on a blanket, so that you do not block their view, and make sure to allow adequate aisle space between your area and that of others so that concert-goers are able to pass easily. Choose foods for your picnic that are low on the aroma scale so as not to disturb others. Should wine be permitted at the venue, be sure to stop imbibing before the point of becoming overly boisterous. Even though you are outdoors, smoking may be prohibited. Be sure to check before smoking, and if you have any doubts, refrain from lighting up.

It is important not to disturb other audience members—or the performers—during the show. It should go without saying, but do not talk while the performers are onstage. Other no-nos include fidgeting, jangling your jewelry, and blowing bubbles with gum. In fact, all chewing gum should be properly disposed of in the lobby or restrooms. Should a dry throat or cough require a lozenge, unwrap it as quickly as possible, as a long, drawn-out crinkle is bound to be much more distracting to your neighbors. Chatty neighbors should be addressed first with a pointed look accompanied by a raised eyebrow, next by a quick “shush!,” and lastly by signaling an usher to intervene.

Applause should be held until it is clear that the performers have finished. Clapping during a pause at an inappropriate time will disturb those around you, as well as distract the performers. Note that at plays and musicals, applause often occurs at the end of an act or upon the first appearance of a star onstage. For concerts, operas, and ballet, applause is more reserved. When in doubt, refrain from clapping and then follow the lead of the more experienced audience members around you. When the performance you are attending has reached the very end, unless you have a valid need for hurrying, do pause for at least a little while to thank the performers with appreciative applause rather than immediately making a beeline for the exits. At this point, the audience might give a standing ovation to reward a job especially well done. Shouts of “bravo!” or “brava!” by exceptionally appreciative listeners are also sometimes heard at the end. Note that other shouting should be avoided.

Popular music concerts are at the other end of the spectrum from classical concerts when it comes to what is considered acceptable behavior. At these far more relaxed events, the attire is casual, singing along is allowed (sometimes even encouraged), and standing and dancing during the performance are often permitted. That said, be aware of those around you. If a “slow song” is played and everyone else has taken a seat after having been up and dancing for a while, then so should you; otherwise, you will be blocking the view of those behind you. For this reason, as well as safety reasons, you should not dance on your chair at any point. And do be careful not to hit anyone inadvertently in the enthusiasm of dancing. If you are holding a beverage, take care not to spill it on anyone.

While sharing many of the same guidelines for audience behavior as certain types of live performances, such as a play, ballet, or classical concert, the cinema does have some customs of its own. Unlike many live performances, movies have open seating. The earlier you arrive, the more seating options you will have. Clearly, if you tend to fidget or are moderately claustrophobic, the aisle is a better choice. And if you do not like to have people trying to get by you, then the middle of the row is the place to be seated. Note that with regard to moving in and out of a row, choosing an armrest, and being considerate of your neighbors, the same guidelines that apply at a fine arts performance, apply here (Appreciating the Arts).

If you are attending a movie with friends, after selecting a seat, a delegation from your party may make a foray to the concessions stand. For showings that are likely to attract a large audience, it is best to encourage your entire group to arrive early to ensure that you are able to sit together, although it is perfectly acceptable to hold a seat or two for companions, especially if the tickets have already been purchased. Saving an entire row, however, takes real moxie. If the theater is crowded, do not take up seats with your personal belongings. Before the show starts, take a moment to visit the facilities. Better safe than sorry. It is not fun to pay for a ticket and then miss a critical scene, nor do you want others to miss a critical scene because you blocked their view while you were getting up from or returning to your seat.

By now, only those who have been living under a rock would even think of leaving a cell phone ringer on during a movie. However, many moviegoers overlook the fact that even with the ringer off, cell phones, pagers, and the like can still be annoying. Those glowing blue screens can really detract from the viewing experience. Do everyone a favor and just turn the device off. Talking should be kept to a minimum. Obviously, it is fine to converse before the movie begins. However, do not scream out the answers to trivia questions on the screen and ruin the game for others. When the previews begin, whispering is allowed. Once the movie starts, it is time to turn your complete attention to the screen. Avoid excessive coughing, foot tapping, and squirming so as not to bother others.

Once the movie is over, you certainly may stand to stretch, but be aware of those around you. If people in the seats behind you are watching the credits, either sit back down or move into the aisle. If you prefer to sit and watch the credits, do make way for those wishing to exit the row.

When allowing children to attend a movie, you must think of others first. It is fine to bring your baby to a G-rated film and most PG-rated films. Movies that are aimed at children are going to have a bit more activity in the audience. (Even so, if your baby starts to cry loudly, you will need to take him or her out of the theater until the child has quieted down.) But to bring a baby, toddler, or young child to a movie intended for grown-ups is simply wrong. Splurge for a babysitter to avoid annoying others and traumatizing your child.

Attending a gallery opening or visiting a museum is a wonderfully cultured way to pass the time. Your behavior experiencing the exhibits varies widely. From revered silence in almost all museums of fine art, to engaged interaction in most science museums; how you will be best behaved depends upon what type of museum you are visiting. No matter where you are, do your best to follow posted signs and all gallery guard instructions. Photography, especially flash, may be frowned upon so it is best to ask before taking any pictures. Running, shouting, eating, drinking, and general jostling are all out. When viewing exhibits in a crowd, you will need to wait your turn. Most museums have cafés and gift shops. If you find the gallery too congested, take a break and return to that particular area again later.

In addition to joining friends and family at restaurants or private homes, you may receive invitations to awards banquets, retirement dinners, political fundraisers, professional symposiums, and philanthropic galas. These events possess a purpose in addition to providing the opportunity to socialize. Of course, you will need to employ all of your gracious dining skills (see Chapter 4) as well as adhere to various guidelines specific to these events.

Upon receiving an invitation to such an event, pay close attention to the information provided. Is there an honoree or agenda for the evening? Is there a cost, donation, or gift associated with the program? Will there be a live or silent auction? What will the food and drink situation be? What is the appropriate attire? You may want to do a little digging to gather some additional details, such as who else will be attending and whether there will be assigned seating. A quick call to the host or someone serving on the planning committee can provide answers prior to the event. Do use care and tact when asking others if they were included as you may find yourself in a sticky situation if the person you ask was not on the guest list. The more you know in advance, the better prepared you will be for the event.

ATTIRE As with most situations, it is always better to be overdressed than under. Unfortunately, some invitations sacrifice helpfulness for cuteness, using such vague phrases as “business festive.” In such a case, consider the reason you were invited to the event, as well as the reason you accepted. If you are representing your professional self, it is better to err on the side of conservative. Should you decide to wear a business suit, be sure to add a festive splash with a colorful pocket square or artistic jewelry and some party shoes—you should not appear as if you just stepped out of the office. For social situations with the “festive” attire instruction, take care. There is a fine line between festive-sane and festive-silly. Themed sweaters and ties should be saved for entertaining small children. Your clothing should reflect you with an added touch of whimsy in the accessories.

FUNDRAISERS For fundraisers, it is critical to know in advance whether the tickets to the event are the extent of the fundraising or whether there will be additional attempts to raise money at the event itself. You do not want to be caught off guard attending what you thought was a dinner only to find a live auction occurring. Different philanthropic events have completely different donation expectations. For some, the price of the admission includes your donation and no more will be asked of you. For others, the admission fee is only the beginning and you are expected to open your wallet during the event, too. There may be times when you are invited to join someone’s table at a charity event. In this case, it is expected that while your host paid for the table, you will be making a donation. No matter what the particular situation is, you should have a number in your head in advance as to how much you are going to give. Many charity events are purposely entertaining to put you in a good mood and encourage your generosity. Donate at the level with which you are comfortable.

GIFTS For events where there is an honoree, you will need to find out in advance about any gift expectations. Do not be fooled by the notation “no gifts, please” on an invitation, as most guests, if they like the honoree enough to attend the festivities, will also like the honoree enough to give a gift. (In an instance such as this, you may wish to give a donation to a charitable organization—particularly one close to the heart of the guest of honor— in the name of the person being feted.) For some events, the gifts are given in advance (such as a wedding or a retirement award dinner). In other instances, a donation is taken for a group gift. On still other occasions, individual gifts are given during the gathering (such as for a birthday or anniversary). For some celebratory events, such as a book launch party or a business anniversary, you are not expected to bring or contribute to a gift; instead, you are expected to purchase an item, typically a book, where a portion of the proceeds is given to a charity.

When holding a drink at a cocktail party, be sure to use your left hand. This leaves your right hand free to shake other people’s hands. In addition, your right hand will stay dry, as most cold drinks tend to “sweat,” leaving your hand moist and clammy. No matter how well you think you hold your liquor, limit yourself to one drink when in a business setting. Remember, you are a professional. Nothing dispels a professional image like slurring one’s words, losing one’s balance, or saying something inappropriate. Save the celebrating for nonbusiness buddies. If you are not sure whether the other people at the gathering will be drinking, play it safe and have something nonalcoholic. Of course, it is always acceptable to order a nonalcoholic beverage regardless of the reason. You should not feel the need to offer any explanation; merely order something you would enjoy drinking. Ginger ale, tonic with a twist of lime, cranberry juice, and soda are all appropriate. If someone is impertinent enough to ask you why you are not drinking alcohol, you can simply respond, “I much prefer this right now.” Then move the conversation spotlight off yourself and onto another topic: “Have you ever attended this gala before? Betsy did a wonderful job of organizing it!”

REFRESHMENTS Try to find out what the refreshment situation is in advance—it can be quite useful. At cocktail parties, where everyone is moving around and mingling, eating can be quite a feat, requiring great coordination skills. For these occasions, it is wise to have a bite to eat at home prior to the event. Doing so will help abate hunger at the gathering and allow you to concentrate on your fellow guests. When attending a dinner event, you will be sitting for some time and will have ample opportunity to graze throughout the meal.

Seating at these events can be quite daunting. At an open-seating event, such as a dinner at a business conference, assume the host responsibilities yourself. Find an open table in a desirable location early on, and invite others to join you. Most attendees will feel honored to be asked to sit with you, not to mention relieved to know that they have a place where they are welcome. If tables have already started to fill, look around the room for one that has some open seats and ask if you may join those already there.

In situations where there are table assignments, you should sit as directed—at least in the beginning. During the meal, provided there is no presentation, you are free to circulate and visit with others. Table location can be highly strategic at some events. In some instances, major donors or influential individuals are seated toward the front and center of the room with the remaining guests radiating outward. At events featuring an auction, major donors are sometimes seated toward the back and sides of the room so that the rest of the guests feel the excitement of bids coming from all around them and perhaps get so caught up in the action that they start to participate themselves. There are also times when highly ranked individuals are seated in the far back portion of the room to allow them to slip out unobtrusively during the event.

Determining when it is acceptable for you to leave the event can be difficult. The meal may be over or the speaker finished or the auction completed, but the socializing has just begun. How long to stay is up to you. Do be aware of the action around you. You do not want to be the last one to leave. As you notice the room beginning to empty, make your rounds and say your good-byes. Better for others to wish you had stayed longer than to wish you had not.

Balls and other dances provide wonderful opportunities to flex both your physical and social muscles. In general, balls tend to be formal gatherings, requiring black-tie or white-tie attire. However, there are dances that are less formal, such as dinner-dances requiring semiformal or casual attire. At formal events, there may be a receiving line comprised of the host and guest of honor or members of the committee for the event. As a guest, you will greet each person in the line, shaking hands, exchanging introductions and brief pleasantries as needed, before entering the main room for the event. While all dances should have some sort of refreshment, a full dinner may not be offered. It is best to pay close attention to the invitation or inquire in advance.

In days gone by, dances were quite the social occasion with exacting behaviors. For dinner dances, a gentleman would dance first with the woman on his right, then with the woman on his left, and then with the woman he accompanied. At some point during the night, he would also dance with the hostess. For events that did not include a sit-down meal, the gentleman would dance at least the first and last dances with the woman he brought and, at some point during the evening, he would dance with the hostess. Women invited to a dance without an escort would frequently decline rather than attend unaccompanied.

In the past, with the exception of a Sadie Hawkins dance, a woman would wait to be asked by a man before taking a twirl on the floor. Luckily, in modern times, either gender may ask the other. While you should of course dance with your date, you should also dance with others. The concept here is that the dance functions as a social time. If you only want to dance with your date, the two of you should arrange to spend an evening together. Of course, you will save the last few dances for your date and leave together. Gentlemen should dance with, or at least ask to dance with, the hostess during the evening; ladies should dance with the male host if he is not already on the dance floor. In the past, a gentleman could “cut in” to dance with a woman by tapping the shoulder of her partner. Nowadays, most gentlemen will wait until the music stops before asking a woman to dance. Both men and women are encouraged to accept when asked, as this is the gracious response. A dance does not commit an individual to a lifetime relationship . . . sometimes a dance is just a dance.

Even events that center on athleticism and heated competition have guidelines for behavior. And these guidelines can vary according to the particular sport being played. Events such as golf tournaments, tennis matches, and diving competitions require a hushed audience for the athletes to proceed; this also means that electronic devices usually must be turned off (in fact, at some golf tournaments, spectators are not even allowed to bring cell phones onto the course). Meanwhile, events such as basketball, football, and hockey games are accompanied by a perpetual din from the spectators.

Before attending a sports event, find out what you are and are not permitted to bring into the venue. Bringing in your own food and/or beverages is a no-no at some stadiums and golf courses. Umbrellas and backpacks over a certain size may also be prohibited. Take the time to investigate in advance so that you are not forced to abandon your belongings, check them at the gate (if that option exists), or take them back to the car before entering the venue. As you seek your way to your seats, stick to the stairs, aisles, and rows. While it may be tempting to hop up the bleachers or balance on the backs of folded seats, you eagerness to find your spot may result in dangerous situation for yourself or others if you should trip, slip, or fall.

A number of sporting events begin with the national anthem. Spectators should stand for this patriotic song. Gentlemen and modern gentlewomen should remove their hats and caps. Feel free to sing along. If you can carry a tune, do not be shy; if you are tone-deaf, sing softly.

When supporting your team, it is best to stay positive. This means cheering your team, not trash-talking and taunting the other team. You also should refrain from yelling disparaging comments at members of your own team when frustrated with their performance. Rude, lewd, and crude behavior can lead to disastrous results, including forced removal and bodily harm.

Food is often a big part of attending a sporting event. When you are sitting in the stands, you will be expected to pass along peanuts, popcorn, soda, and beer purchased by others in your row from vendors cruising up and down the aisles. Do so cheerfully. Even though games can be boisterous events, be careful not to spill your drink or knock your food onto someone else. During halftime or other pauses in the action, if you leave your row temporarily to stretch your legs, take the opportunity to dispose of any trash you have generated. You should also do this when you leave the venue. If someone has been kind enough to take you as a guest to a sporting event, you should offer to purchase the treats.

Going to a pool or beach on a hot day can provide a refreshing reprieve. When visiting a private club, ask your host in advance about what will be provided there, what you will need to bring (many supply chairs and towels), and whether there are any restrictions (for instance, at some private pools, only approved flotation devices and toys are allowed). If the club does not allow babies, toddlers, or children who are not toilet-trained into the pool, you must abide by this rule. (In this type of situation, there is usually a children’s wading pool for the pre-potty set.) Many clubs do not accept cash or credit cards, which means that any snacks would need to be billed to your host’s account. You should not charge anything without the prior consent of your host. When you find yourself parched and if the host has yet to offer refreshment, you may prompt the conversation. “This is just wonderful; it was so nice of you to bring me to the pool. May I buy you a refreshment?” This should be enough to spur your host into action, or at least an explanation of the snack bar system. When on an account system, you should offer to reimburse your host for the refreshments if you initiated the conversation. If there are locker-room attendants who assist you, ask a staff member whether or not tipping is the norm for this particular club and act in accordance with the response.

If you are the frequent guest of a friend with a pool, be sure to return the kindness. When you visit, ask how you can help. From bringing snacks for everyone to giving pool toys or outdoor dining accessories as hostess gifts, you should be sure to demonstrate your appreciation.

Manners Matter,
BUT SAFETY FIRST: KID WATCH

Yes, your kids are adorable, but do not expect anyone else to watch them for you. Lifeguards are not babysitters. Your kids are your responsibility. If watching them at the beach or pool is too much, hire a babysitter to help you or stick to a sprinkler in your backyard.

When heading to a public pool, public beach, or pool at someone’s home, you should assume nothing and bring all of your own supplies. Before you leave home, consider what you will need for the day. A typical trip to the beach or pool requires at least some of the following: towels, beach blankets, folding chairs, a beach umbrella, bathing suits, sunscreen, sunglasses, sun hats or visors, water, snacks, reading materials, water toys, perhaps a disposable camera, and a little cash for ice cream, beverages, or other treats. Do not expect your companions to share food or sunscreen. Also, do not bring anything of great monetary value, as it may get lost, stolen, buried in the sand, or submerged in the water.

When selecting your swimsuit, do leave a little something to the imagination. Yes, beaches and pools are places where showing some skin is considered acceptable. But as with all good things in life, everything in moderation. If you like to be as tan as possible in as many places as possible, do others the small favor of donning an appropriate cover-up when you traipse to and from your towel.

When staking out a spot at the beach, find an area that is at least three paces from the setups of others. The idea is to allow others a bit of personal space. The spacing should allow for beachgoers to walk between your towel and the other towel without kicking sand onto either. Your umbrella or tent should not block others’ views of the water. Many beachgoers like to bring all the comforts of home. This is fine as long as it does not prohibit others from enjoying themselves.

When finding a spot on a pool deck, choose a chair that suits you. You may rotate your chair to the desired position in relation to the sun. When you are with a large group, or your group includes many children, do not save chairs for every single person. Chairs at a pool tend to be a limited commodity, and it is rare that everyone in your group will require a chair at the same time. Instead, select just a few chairs and leave enough seating for others. While beaches and pools are hardly whisper zones, common sense should prevail. Minimize your cell phone usage, wear headphones or earbuds when listening to music, save yelling for emergencies, and refrain from uttering any profanities. It is hard to relax when one’s ears are being accosted.

If you are at a beach or pool that still allows smoking and you want to light up, you will need to head far away from others. Do be sure to dispose of your butts appropriately. It can be quite dangerous for birds, dogs, and children to ingest cigarette butts they have found “buried” in the sand or in the grass.

As you prepare to leave the beach, walk away from others before shaking the sand out of blankets and towels. The windier it is, the farther you need to go. Before departing, double-check your small spot in the sun, whether you are at the beach or a pool. When you leave, everything of yours leaves with you, including garbage! When at a private club, be sure to return towels to the appropriate bin. And if you were a guest at a club or private home, be sure to thank the host.

In today’s world of multiculturalism, diversity, and global travel, adults will find themselves in a variety of religious buildings for a variety of purposes. From weekly services to lifecycle events to historical sightseeing, those who do not regularly pray as well as those who do not pray at all will have occasions to enter religious buildings and sites. As a basic guideline, when entering a house of worship, your attire should be modest and your behavior should be reserved. While not prohibited, when wearing jewelry from another faith, it should be subtle. The more observant the congregation, the more aware and respectful you should be of the customs and traditions.

When visiting a religious venue, you should take the time in advance to research in advance what to expect. From asking those individuals in your social circle who belong to the particular religion to reading the venue’s website, the more you know in advance, the better prepared you will be for your visit. When visiting Buddhist temples you will find services that are comprised of meditation, chanting, and a sermon. Women and men sit together, and head coverings are not required. When visiting Christian churches you will find group prayers and a sermon. Men are asked not to cover their heads and in certain churches it is common for women to wear hats. Women and men sit together. When visiting Hindu temples you will find worshipers offering individual prayers. Women and men may comingle, head coverings are not required, and it is expected that all shoes will be removed. When visiting Islamic mosques you will find chanting, group prayer, and sermons. Men and women and guests will all pray in separate spaces. Women’s heads must be covered and modest clothing is required. Shoes are removed as Muslims worship from prayer rugs on the floor. When visiting Jewish synagogues you will find prayers sung and chanted, often in Hebrew, and sermons offered in the language of the congregation. In more observant synagogues, men and women sit separately. In most synagogues, men are required to cover their heads. In observant synagogues, married women cover their head with hats, scarves, or wigs. Many religious venues will have ushers or congregants assigned to assist visitors.