Etiquette Book

Human beings are social creatures. With few exceptions, people live and work with others. When people come into contact with each other, communication is essential. Individuals speak to each other to transmit information, to cooperate on activities, and to send danger or enjoyment signals to others. And sometimes people talk to each other simply as a means of entertainment—because they enjoy the company of others and the exchange of ideas. The need to connect is so much a part of human nature that even those who proclaim a complete disdain for small talk still somehow find themselves in situations where small talk is required. Thus, conversation skills are a necessary part of our lives.

Take a moment to consider a time when you engaged in a discussion with someone only to find that time had lost all meaning. You enjoyed listening to what the other person had to say and sharing your own experiences and point of view. You made a connection. Then think about a time when talking to someone felt like a painful experience—when the minutes felt like hours and the conversation could not conclude quickly enough. What made the two interchanges so different? Scientists are still unraveling the interpersonal dynamics that influence whether or not we will enjoy someone’s company. Fortunately, though, we do know enough about the practice of conversation to ease and assist the interaction. A bit of forethought can help ensure that dull conversations about the weather are replaced by dynamic dialogues about interesting topics.

People find themselves in situations that call for small talk all the time. There are professional occasions such as meals with colleagues, outings with clients, conferences, and networking events. There are also purely social events such as meeting new neighbors, attending a family wedding, or dining out with friends, to name a few. Then, there are the events that actually revolve around small talk; at such gatherings, you are usually in a room filled with people, many of whom you may not know, perhaps a drink in your hand, and you are expected to speak with them. For many individuals, this is an uncomfortable and awkward situation, the anticipation of which fills them with dread. However, when armed with a basic understanding of appropriate behaviors for this type of occasion, people find that they are able to participate with grace and ease.

To begin, you must have an understanding of the general dynamics of a conversation. In its most basic form, a conversation is an exchange between two people. This means that one person speaks while the other actively listens. Then the other responds and adds to the dialogue while the person who spoke first actively listens. And the discussion continues back and forth in this manner. For the most part, each side of the exchange should roughly mirror the other in duration. It can be helpful to think of a conversation as a game of catch. The first person throws the ball, and the other catches it and throws it back. If the first person holds onto the ball and does not share, the exchange is one-sided—and there is not much of a game. In a conversation, if one side is droning on while the other individual is saying next to nothing, the exchange has degraded into a monologue. Now back to our game of catch: If the first person throws the ball and the second person allows it to drop on the ground, and then pulls a completely different ball from a pocket to toss back, the game becomes disjointed. Similarly, in a conversation, if one person is talking about one topic and the other does not respond accordingly but rather lets that topic “drop” and replaces it with another, the conversation becomes disjointed. Both catch and conversations are most enjoyable when the same ball (or subject) goes back and forth at a steady pace between the individuals involved— in other words, when a mutual exchange takes place. As more people join the conversation, greater care and tact are necessary to ensure that everyone is included.

In order to engage in small talk successfully, you need to keep that game of catch (discussed in the previous paragraph) progressing smoothly. Toward that end, there are a number of measures you should take. To maintain balance and an even flow in the discussion, make sure not to go on and on about yourself. Demonstrate an interest in the individual with whom you are speaking by asking that person questions. Be inquisitive while making sure not to interrogate the individual. The best type of question to ask to keep the conversation going is an open-ended one—in other words, one that cannot be responded to with a simple “yes” or “no.” For instance, when you first meet someone at a cocktail party, you might ask, “What brings you here?” Another open-ended starter is “How do you know our host?” Then, you must actually listen to what the other person has to say. Indeed, good conversationalists are good listeners. Instead of trying to think of the next topic to discuss or the next witty comment to make, really pay attention to the other person. And give that person cues to show that you are listening and interested: Mirror eye contact, nod your head, and encourage the person to continue with an “um-hum” from time to time.

Just as you do not want to give the person to whom you are speaking the opportunity to provide a one-word response, when you are asked a question, you should avoid giving that type of answer. Do not simply respond “yes” or “no.” Instead, elaborate: Give a bit of explanation or description, but do not go into detail about negative experiences or opinions. Polite small talk should have a positive tone. Do not be afraid of momentary pauses in conversations, as it is perfectly acceptable to have a moment or two of unoccupied airtime. Take advantage of such a moment to collect your thought, and then move the conversation forward.

Studies have shown that body language makes up more than half of your interpersonal communications. Armed with this information, you should be conscious of what your body is saying. When standing, the optimal pose entails having your feet a little less than shoulder distance apart, your arms positioned loosely at your sides, and your body turned toward the person with whom you are speaking. Do not cross your arms in front of you, as this action suggests you are closed off to others. Hands should be visible, as this signals an openness to others. Avoid hiding your hands behind your back or tucking them away in your pockets.

We have all heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. When speaking with others, there is no need to stare into their souls. Instead, you want to maintain a warm gaze. Unlike television soap operas, where the actors’ eyes seem to drill into each other’s retinas, in real life you should be matching and mirroring the eye contact of the person with whom you are speaking. If they are breaking eye contact often, you can look away more often. If they are maintaining eye contact, so should you. Staring contests have no place in small talk situations; you should be using the eye contact triangle. If your eyes are directed anywhere in this triangle, it looks like you are engaged in eye contact. The eye contact triangle goes across the eyebrows, down the middle of the upper lip, and back up to the eyebrows.

For introverted individuals, eye contact can be daunting. Use the eye contact triangle to allow a bit more ease. Additionally, you may break eye contact when you are the one speaking. So, if you are beginning to feel like the other person is staring you down, ask a question and look away for a moment and then back to the other person.

A sincere smile sets the stage for an enjoyable small-talk interaction. After all, we would all rather speak to someone who smiles at us instead of scowls. (Do note that smiling is culturally specific. In other countries to smile too soon or to smile at someone you do not know is considered daft and/or rude.) As you approach others and as others approach you, your warm smile indicates you are interested in initiating a conversation.

There are both gender and cultural differences in body language. Women, when speaking with other women, tend to square shoulders. In other words, each woman’s shoulders are parallel to those of the other. Men, when speaking with other men, tend to stand at a bit of an angle to each other, creating a “V” with their bodies. This allows the men to make eye contact without seeming to be confrontational. When men and women speak with each other, the body language can vary drastically. There are times when you will be able to see the woman squaring the shoulders and the man pivoting back to re-create the “V.” You should be aware of these poses so that you create a comfortable conversation space. In the United States, when taking part in a social conversation, people tend to be most comfortable when they are situated about twelve to eighteen inches from each other. In an intriguing inverse relationship, those from regions with warmer climates tend to decrease the amount of space between individuals, whereas those from cooler climates tend to increase the amount of space.

In addition to the way you position your body, your tone of voice speaks volumes, sometimes communicating even more than your actual words. Thus, you should pay close attention to what your tone is saying. Keep in mind that tone comes into play not only in face-to-face discussions but in phone conversations as well. (As an aside, it is interesting to note that if someone is smiling when talking on the phone, the person on the other end will be able to hear it in that individual’s voice.)

Even though body language and tone play large roles in communication, your choice of words is obviously a critical component of conversing. Choose your words wisely. As always with etiquette, consideration for others should be a primary concern. Thus, you should avoid using acronyms and industry-specific terms (unless speaking with a colleague or someone else in your profession) so as not to put the person you are talking to in a position of feeling uncomfortable because he or she does not understand something you have said. Slang should be saved for when you are hanging with a small group of close friends. Verbal tics such as “like,” “and,” “you know,” and “umm” will need to be monitored and modified over time. (Noticing you are using them is the first step. To eliminate them from your speaking style can be as easy as having a small rubber band around your wrist and snapping it every time you use the verbal tic. If the tic is more engrained, you can see a speech or behavioral therapist for help. Take an acting or debate class, as well as joining toasting club, which will train you to speak clearly.) And, of course, you should not use profanity or derogatory expressions.

In order to interact with others to the best of your ability and enjoyment, you should understand certain aspects about yourself. Knowing your preferred personality to interact with, preferred topics of interest, and preferred situations in which to interact with others will allow you to plan appropriately and use your time wisely. Surprisingly, when asked about their experiences with and feelings toward events centering on small talk, the vast majority of people will describe themselves as shy or introverted. These are the same individuals who, from the outside, seem nothing less than confident and outgoing. This is useful information to keep in mind. If you are one of those people who would rather have a root canal than engage in chitchat, take comfort in the fact that many of the other people in the room feel the same way and that you are not alone. Let this knowledge embolden you.

If you tend to be introverted, there are ways to bolster your confidence and comfort level. The first favor you can do yourself is to arrive on time. While this may initially seem counterintuitive, entering a venue as the activity is just beginning has a number of advantages. First, human beings are territorial creatures. By arriving when the space is mostly empty, you will be able to walk around, get the lay of the land, and start to feel more at ease. Second, by arriving at the beginning, you will be the obvious choice for the next attendee to approach when entering the room. (Walking into a room when the party is already in full swing can be quite anxiety-provoking, as you are confronted with the sensation that everyone is already engaged in conversation and that you are out in the cold on your own.) If you are attending a professional event, it is even more beneficial to arrive on time, as those in positions of power and influence tend to arrive early and leave early. Plus, when you are going to an event for business, you should be displaying your best professional behavior, which entails being punctual.

Not all small talk situations are created equal. Over the course of attending various events, pay attention to the types of settings in which you feel most at ease and those in which you do not. Themes should emerge. Do you prefer talking over a sit-down dinner or mingling over cocktails? Or is a gathering that revolves around participating in an activity more to your liking? When it comes to networking, do you tend to do better in small or large groups? Once you have come to an understanding of what situations best suit you, you can accept more of those types of invitations and carefully consider the benefits and drawbacks before accepting others.

Being comfortable will go a long way toward facilitating small talk. If you feel flustered or physically uncomfortable, you will be distracted by these sensations and unable to devote your full attention to the conversation. It is hard to be composed after being lost in traffic or unable to find a parking spot. To help ensure that this does not happen, review the directions to the location ahead of time, allow extra time to get where you are going, and look into the parking situation in advance.

You also want to make sure that you are not distracted by hunger during the event. It is best not to go to a cocktail party hungry. Even though hors d’oeuvres are typically served at these gatherings, you do not want to spend all your time inhaling finger food (remember it is unacceptable to talk with your mouth full). Have a little something to eat in advance. When attending a dinner, if you are a picky eater, it is also best to have a snack ahead of time so you can be at your best while socializing.

Physical comfort should also be taken into account when you are selecting your attire for the event. A tight waistband may become unbearable during a multicourse dinner, and shoes that pinch in the toes may become torturous during a cocktail party. For events that involve a lot of standing and mingling, in addition to wearing comfortable shoes, you will want to limit what you bring with you. Large purses, gym bags, or briefcases will tax your back as you stand for long periods of time, not to mention the fact that such awkward accessories will make it easy for you to accidentally bump into someone—and perhaps even knock over someone’s drink. With regard to this aspect, you need to take into account not only your own comfort but the comfort of those around you.

The more you know in advance, the better prepared you will be. It is helpful to have certain pieces of information before attending an event.

Before going to a gathering, you should have a clear understanding of your reason for attending. You may be participating in an alumni gathering to reconnect with college buddies, registering for a professional symposium to make contacts in your field, going to a chamber of commerce event to seek out potential clients, playing a round of golf to find new acquaintances, or traveling to your second cousin’s wedding to please your mother. No matter where you are going, you should have a reason for your presence. If you are not sure why you are planning to attend, you should reconsider your RSVP.

It is also good to have an idea of who else will be attending an event. Understanding the demographics will help you plan your time accordingly. For example, cocktail parties can vary drastically. Chances are you would have different conversations when attending a cocktail party with married couples, as opposed to one with urban singles, entrepreneurs, or your relatives. Events employing online registration or an electronic invite website often have a feature that allows you to view who else plans to attend. For professional events that do not rely upon technology in this way, you will need to contact the host a few days before the event.

Semisocial business events have nipped many a promising career in the bud. It is best to remember that when you are with business folks, you are on duty. You are representing yourself and the company professionally, whether you are on a golf course, at a scotch tasting, or at the newest dining hot spot. While your conversation need not revolve around the office, there are boundaries that should not be overstepped. Even when others have forgotten theirs, you should endeavor to maintain your decorum. Protect your reputation and professional image with careful consideration of your words and actions. (For information regarding alcoholic beverages at business-related events, see Alcohol.)

Before attending an event, you should think of topics you would like to talk about. It is people who skip this important step who end up discussing the weather. What to converse about depends greatly on the type of gathering and the people there. For any event you plan to attend, you should have a minimum of three subjects at the ready. Some possibilities include current events, plays you have seen, concerts you have been to, books you have read, or a topic corresponding to a hobby or passion of yours. Always be prepared with an answer to the question “What’s new?” Have you been somewhere lately (on vacation or to a good restaurant)? Have you tried something new? As with small talk in general, whatever you say should be positive in nature. You should also check the news before attending an event in case there are any late-breaking stories of which you should be aware.

Many people have been taught that one should never to talk about politics, sex, and religion. This is simply not accurate. You are permitted to speak about such subject matters. What you may not do in polite society is raise your voice, embarrass, or enter into a contentious debate with someone you have just met. Should you decide to bring up a somewhat risqué topic, introduce it carefully. Then watch how others react. If they seem to be in agreement with you, forge ahead. If not, switch into journalist mode. Ask a few questions, and then change the subject to something safe.

While it would be lovely to have a sentry with a mace to tap the floor and announce your arrival at any and all events, this practice is limited to occasions involving royalty. For the vast majority of interactions, you will be introducing yourself. In formal situations, you should offer your full name. In less formal situations, you should give your full name, and then, if applicable, your nickname, or the name by which you would prefer to be called (for instance, perhaps you go by “Cathy” when your name is Catherine).

As part of your self-introduction, you should provide a piece of information about yourself. Appropriate facts include where you are from and your connection to the event. Ideally, this piece of information will lead the other person to ask you a question, thereby launching the conversation. For example: “Hello, I am Evan Morlino, the bride’s second cousin,” or “Hello, I am Nils Jorgen from San Diego,” or “Hello, I am today’s speaker, Camilla Novak.” Once you introduce yourself to someone, that person should then introduce him-or herself to you. Even when running into someone whom you have met on a previous occasion, you should provide your name to save the person from any discomfort or embarrassment should he or she not remember it.

When there are more than two people in a conversation, the following dynamic often occurs: Two people exchange ideas while others observe and occasionally interject some comments. If the conversation is fascinating, listening and chiming in from time to time can be enjoyable. However, if your mind is beginning to wander, consider moving away and initiating a conversation of your own where you can be an active participant instead of merely a bystander.

While the self-introduction will prove to be the most common, it is important to understand the basic methods for introducing others. In social settings, younger individuals should be introduced to older individuals, and men should be introduced to women. Whenever possible, it is useful to everyone involved if you can mention something that the people you are introducing have in common. If not, you may mention an interesting (but not private) bit of information about one of the parties that will help get the conversation rolling: “Grandmother, this is my new friend Ana Bruno. Ana, this is my grandmother, Ruth Hofschire. Ana just returned from a visit to Australia.” The following is another example of conducting a social introduction for an informal interaction: “Aunt Kimmie, I would like to introduce my next-door neighbor, James Nye. Jim, this is my Aunt Kimberly Huntington. You both have a love of science fiction.”

In business situations, the introductions are based on rank, not gender, with the more junior individual being introduced to the more senior one: “Mr. Jeffrey Scott, this is our company’s CEO, Karin Rodriguez. Ms. Rodriguez, Mr. Scott is the vendor we here at ACME Corporation turn to first.” If instead of being a vendor, Mr. Scott was a potential client, the introduction would reverse as the client would become the higher ranking out of respect and deference to the potential business. “Mr. Scott, this is the ACME Corporation CEO, Ms. Karin Rodriguez. Ms. Rodriguez, Mr. Jeffrey Scott. Mr. Scott’s organization, The Factory, is considering our business consulting services.” There are some situations where rank is irrelevant, such as a national meeting of vice presidents, some of whom do not know one another. In that case, you will need to use your best judgment as the situation unfolds. Suppose you are in the meeting room speaking with one of your colleagues when another approaches. You would greet the individual joining the conversation first. “Bobbie! Great to see you! How was the flight in? Do you know William Rappaport from our D.C. offices? Bill, this is Roberta Able from San Diego, Bobbie this is Bill Rappaport from D.C.”

In an ideal world, everyone would know when and how to give proper introductions. As this is not the case, you do not always need to stand on ceremony. If an introduction is not forthcoming, take it upon yourself to initiate the process.

The standard American handshake is web-to-web. Your web is the flap of skin between your index finger and your thumb. Your web should meet their web. Your fingers curl around the bottom of their hand. Apply pressure so they can feel that you are there, but not so much that their knees are buckling. Shake one, two, or three times (four is strange and five is creepy!) and release. Do note, in days gone by, a gentleman would wait for a woman to extend her hand. In modern manners we are gender-neutral.

When attending an event, you need to determine whom to engage in conversation. Certainly, when seated at a dinner, your conversation companions are those seated with you. At events where you are expected to stand and mingle, finding someone to talk to can be a bit more challenging. As noted earlier, if you arrive before the room starts to fill up, you will find that others will likely approach you, as there will be limited options. As the event progresses, you will need to make a point of selecting those with whom you wish to speak. As you survey the scene, pay attention to where the majority of people are located and move toward them. You are more likely to find a conversation partner when you are physically located where others are standing. As you move within the room, make eye contact with others. When others return your gaze, or even better, return your smile with a smile, it is time to approach them. Make eye contact, smile, extend your arm, and shake hands. As you are shaking hands, introduce yourself (giving your full name), and provide a piece of information about yourself. You will find that the conversation has begun.

In situations such as a cocktail party where most of your time is spent standing, it is expected that you will speak to someone for five to ten minutes before moving on to the next person. (For information on how to exit a conversation politely, see below, “Graceful Exits.”) After all, the purpose of such an event is to mingle. When at a gathering where guests are seated, conversations are expected to last longer. At a meal, discussions may involve the entire table, half the table, or just you and your neighbor—most likely there will be a mix of these over the course of such a gathering. Do be careful not to speak over someone or purposely exclude others from your conversation. For longer events, such as weddings, it is recommended that you dance and mingle between courses instead of staying in your chair the whole time.

When you have enjoyed a conversation, chances are it is because you have felt a connection with the individual. If you experience this sensation with someone you have just met, take the time to exchange contact information should you wish to do so. In both social and business situations, it is perfectly acceptable to exchange business cards. For professional, and most personal, encounters in the United States, the exchanging of contact information occurs at the end of the interaction. The proper way to go about this is to ask for the other person’s contact information and then offer yours in exchange.

If you are chatting at an event with an individual you already know and you would like the opportunity to see them again soon, set a tentative time to reconnect. Follow up within the next day or so to confirm plans and/or extend an official invitation.

You have had a lovely conversation, but you are ready to move on to the next person. There are both polished and uncouth ways to release this person. Note that there are various things that you should not say, no matter how tempted you are. First of all, do not say that you need to visit the restroom. Even if it is true, this is not information that is worthy of an announcement, especially to a new acquaintance. You should also refrain from saying that you are going to the bar, as this could suggest to someone that you may rely too heavily on alcohol. Or, the other individual may assume that you are bringing back the next round and place an order with you. You also should not excuse yourself by saying that there is someone with whom you must speak, as this may suggest to the person you are with that he or she is not important or interesting. You do not want to leave the other person with a negative feeling at the end of your interaction.

To gracefully exit a conversation, as there is a lull in the conversation, you extend your hand to the individual for a final handshake while saying “It was a pleasure to speak with you.” Shake his or her hand and move on to the next person. If it has not been a pleasure, something like “This has been an interesting conversation” or “I hope you enjoy the event” also work. If this is someone you would like to follow up with, before closing, ask for his or her business card or contact information. This request helps to signal that the conversation is winding down.

Occasionally, a cocktail conversation is not the smooth and witty exchange you would like it to be. There may be spilled wine, bumped elbows, a misunderstanding, or a foot placed in one’s mouth. Remember, etiquette is not about being perfect. It is, however, concerned with smoothing over a situation that has gone awry. When the faux pas is yours, you must acknowledge, apologize, and when possible, make amends.

If you accidently spill red wine on the sleeve of the person with whom you are talking, apologize, offer assistance (but do not touch the individual), and offer to cover the cost of dry cleaning. Do not dwell on the incident, do not continue to refer to the stain throughout the event, and do not openly berate yourself for being clumsy. The following day, write a brief note thanking the individual for being so gracious in light of the incident and enclose a gift card for dry cleaning.

If you accidently spill red wine on yourself, calmly excuse yourself and dry the stain. If possible, cover the stain. If the spot is small, return to the conversation with a lighthearted remark such as, “Clearly I have had enough wine for the night.” Then, move the conversation along by picking up the thread again. If your shirt is drenched, you will need to excuse yourself, go to the restroom, assess the damage and decide if it can quickly dry, if you need to go home, or if there is somewhere close by you can acquire a new shirt quickly.

Manners Note

For graceful exits, avoid “it was a pleasure meeting you” on the off chance you have met before. Better to opt for the “it was lovely to speak with you.”

It is not uncommon for people to misspeak. Should you do this, there are certain measures to take to remedy the situation. For instance, suppose you accidently introduce someone’s first wife (now ex-wife) by the second wife’s name. Apologize immediately, correct the mistake, and move the conversation forward by highlighting something complimentary about the first wife. “Sandra just chaired a gala last month that had the highest turnout ever!”

When someone else commits a faux pas, you should be considerate of that individual’s feelings and act accordingly. While you may feel justified to become enraged, your behavior will be duly noted. It is better to be remembered as gracious rather than grumpy. If an apology is offered, accept it. If an apology is not offered, do not demand one. If reparations are offered, decline. If reparations are forthcoming (meaning actual actions are taking place), accept them courteously. Others will be watching your behavior in order to determine their own. Maintain your poise, and, as quickly as possible, return your attention to the event activities.

There will be times when you will interact with people who differ from you in terms of upbringing, social status, culture, religion, political point of view, education, or other defining characteristics. You may be inclined to dismiss the other person’s opinion or solution, but in fact, your differing perspectives may very well enhance the situation and result in a better outcome, one you may not have envisioned based upon only your own life experiences.

When someone who differs from you in some way comes into your life, there is often a distinct lack of information, and when there is a lack of information, people tend to guess in order to fill in the missing pieces. Often this guessing results in incorrect and inaccurate information. Fear and hate are base and easy emotions. It is much more difficult to reserve judgment, wait, watch, and seek answers. When faced with a new and unknown situation, make the choice to learn more before making any decisions or proclamations. Interacting and getting to know the other person should be enlightening. When you are meeting people, be friendly and open. Treat others with the same polite respect you would like them to show you.

It should go without saying that to utter racial slurs or make other demeaning comments is poor manners indeed. Do not do it. If you find yourself with someone who makes a derogatory statement, your response will differ according to whether the person is a friend, colleague, or someone you barely know. If over lunch, a close friend uses a slur to describe your waitress, a simple “Wow, I had no idea that you’re prejudiced!” will tell your friend you found the comment inappropriate. If during a staff meeting your colleague tells an ethnic joke, do not reprimand this individual in front of others, as doing so will just lead to greater embarrassment and awkwardness for everyone. Instead, do not laugh at the joke and guide the discussion back to the work issue at hand. Later that day, approach your colleague in private. Tell this individual that you found the joke to be demeaning and that while you are sure no harm was intended, others who do not know him or her as well as you may have formed a less-than-favorable opinion of him or her. If during a wedding reception some distant cousins begin to rant about the reasons women belong at home, you may simply move away.