CHAPTER 6
THE CHAPERONE SITUATION
CLAUDIA
As sixth grade class president, I am fully aware that leadership is about responsibility. When something goes wrong, a true leader has to step up and take their share of the blame.
But the chaperone situation was totally not my fault.
Because it wasn’t until three days before the hunt that Mrs. Bevan suddenly decided every team needed one. So Akash and I had to find 25 parent volunteers on seriously short notice. And we wound up with some not-great candidates.
Like my dad.
Dad’s a lawyer, and here’s the thing about lawyers: they’re usually working on Saturdays. And Sundays. And pretty much every other day. And night. Ed. Note: (plus holidays / vacations / birthdays / etc.)
I will say that even though he works crazy hours, Dad cares about us a lot. Which is why he wound up agreeing to chaperone with only minor guilt-tripping from Mom:
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) you need to chaperone Reese’s team
in scav hunt this Sat 10-4
(DAD) Can you do it? Getting crushed
this week
I am already chaperoning Claudia’s
team
Can they be on same team?
Have you met our children?
Fine. But might need to bring laptop
and work while I’m there
Oh, sure. That’s not unrealistic at all
Are you being sarcastic?
Very.
BUT I LOVE YOU
It’s midnight. I ate hours ago. Going
to bed
OMG. I need a new job
You really do
CLAUDIA
Incidentally, Dad also got stuck bankrolling Reese’s entire pledge sheet.
REESE
I totally meant to get a whole ton of pledges. But I had soccer practice the day they handed the sheets out, and my pledge sheet wound up in the bottom of my backpack under my cleats.
And then I just kind of forgot it was there until, like, ten minutes before the hunt. Ed. Note: other things Reese has forgotten/ lost in bottom of backpack:
-report card
-field trip permission slip
-dirty socks (very smelly)
-week-old sandwich (very VERY smelly)
CLAUDIA
For the historical record, here’s what Reese’s sheet looked like:
Not to brag or anything, but here’s what MY sheet looked like:
CLAUDIA
At first, it was not obvious Dad was going to be a problem. In fact, on the morning of the hunt, I was much more worried about Mom.
The night before, we’d all agreed that since I was supposed to be at school by 9:00 to help Akash and Mrs. Bevan set up, our whole family would leave the house together at 8:45.
By 8:41, I was standing at the front door of our apartment, all ready to go.
At 8:50, I was STILL standing at the front door. And I was getting very, very mad at my whole family.
Mom was drying her hair. Reese was still in his underwear. And Dad had just gotten a phone call from somebody at work named Larry.
I knew this because Dad kept yelling things into the phone like, “Larry, it’s doable…” And “Larry! We’ll deal with it…!” And “LARRY! QUIT FREAKING OUT! THIS IS NOT A CRISIS!”
Which was weird, because A) Dad seemed like HE was the one freaking out, and B) it actually did sound like a crisis.
By 8:53, Mom was finally ready, so we left Dad and Reese behind and headed to school.
REESE
That was totally uncool to leave without us. I was ready to go!
CLAUDIA
Are you crazy? You weren’t even wearing pants.
REESE
I could’ve put them on in the elevator.
CLAUDIA
I am not even going to bother explaining why that’s a bad idea.
So Mom and I got a cab on West End Avenue, and as we started across town, Mom said, “This should be a fun day.… I’m looking forward to meeting Jens.”
This is the point where I realized having my mom chaperone a team that included the boy I was going out with might end up being the worst mistake of my life.
We spent the rest of the cab ride working out the ground rules for any Mom-Jens interaction. Ed. Note: mostly unwritten rules (b/c no time to write them down) (also v. hard to write in back of cab) By the time we got to Culvert Prep, Mom had agreed to act like she had no idea Jens and I were going out, pretend she’d never heard his name before, and only ask him the kind of questions you’d ask someone if you were just being polite.
We also settled on a code word that I could use if she was saying or doing something embarrassing and I needed her to stop right away: “lip balm.”
As we got out of the cab, I realized the code word might be a problem if I actually needed to borrow Mom’s lip balm for real.
But then I saw the Mysterious Black Car in front of the school, and I totally forgot about the lip balm and everything else. Ed. Note: if this were a movie, OMINOUS BLACK CAR MUSIC would start here