CHAPTER 12

ZOMBIE LAWYER FEMBOTS

CLAUDIA

While Beast Squad’s Calvin the Cat’s head was exploding down in SoHo, so was mine.

Not literally. But almost literally.

Let me back up a little. After we left the museum, Team Melting Pot headed for the Central Park Boathouse to rent a boat and pick up 7 points for “photo of Bethesda Fountain from middle of rowboat pond.”

But the line was RIDICULOUS.

CARMEN

I had no idea people were so into rowboats. That line was AT LEAST an hour long. I mean, there was no way we had time to stand in it.

But then Parvati had her brilliant idea.

PARVATI

It’s not like the list said, “rent a rowboat.” It just said, “take a picture from the rowboat pond.”

So I was like, “Hel-lo? Let’s just wade in and take the picture!”

CARMEN

And I was like, “THAT is gross.” Because that pond water’s green. And not healthy-natural green. More like incurable-diseases green. I was defs not stepping in it.

PARVATI

And I was like, “HEL-LO? That’s why we have a boy on our team! To do the gross stuff!”

JENS

Parvati asked me to go in the water. But I said no. Because not good for my shoes.

PARVATI

I was like, “Seriously? TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF AND ROLL UP YOUR PANTS!”

JENS

I had bad pants for rolling. How do you say it? “Stovepipe”? Very hard to roll up.

PARVATI

I seriously could not believe how useless Jens was. So I was like, “Fine. Whatevs. I’m going in.”

CLAUDIA

Parvati ran to the pond, took off her shoes, rolled up her pants, and waded in with the Calvin in one hand and her phone in the other.

PARVATI

BTW, the thing I did NOT expect? Mud. The bottom of that pond is MAJOR sludge.

And your mom was all, “Parvati, this is NOT a good idea.”

And then she was all, “POLICE COMING!”

CLAUDIA

It was just a park cop. But still. He was pointing at Parvati, yelling “HEY! GET OUTTA THERE!”

Carmen and I yelled, “TAKE THE PICTURE!” And Parvati got panicky and almost fell on her butt.

PARVATI

I totally freaked. I was like, “OMG, I am going to RUIN my phone. AND my whole outfit.” But I didn’t. And I got the shot!

CLAUDIA

I was very proud of Parvati for that. And after she and my mom apologized to the park cop, he let her off with a warning.

Although, tbh, I think all park cops can do is give warnings.

PARVATI

When I told my parents I went in the rowboat pond, they made me get a tetanus shot.

But it was, like, SO worth it.

CLAUDIA

Parvati’s getting that pic was the high point of the morning. Because right after that, things went downhill fast.

First, it took her forever (and about 1,000 hot dog napkins) to get the mud off her feet. Then we went to Strawberry Fields—which is a memorial to John Lennon of the Beatles, who are the second-greatest songwriters in history after Miranda Fleet—and got a 3-point pic.

Then we got into a semi-big argument in Strawberry Fields about where to go next. It was loud enough that at one point, this hippie with an acoustic guitar stopped playing “Yesterday” and went “Shhhhhhh! This is a sacred space!”

Which was RIDICULOUS. “Yesterday” isn’t even a John Lennon song. Everybody knows Paul McCartney wrote it.

Eventually, we decided to go east and hit Dylan’s Candy Bar and Bloomingdale’s. But that wound up taking forever.

First, we had to go all the way back across the park to Fifth Avenue. Then we couldn’t get a cab.

So we wound up having to basically run the whole way, which made everybody sweaty and mad.

And I think Jens was starting to get a blister.

JENS

My shoes were very wrong for running. Also my socks were not good, either. ^{Ed. Note: (but very cute)}

CLAUDIA

Because we were running the whole time, nobody stopped to check the hunt’s ClickChat wall.

So it was a huge shock when we ran into Ling the Fembot coming out of Dylan’s Candy Bar with this giant shopping bag that looked like it weighed twenty pounds.

PARVATI

I was like, “Ling? Hello? You got disqualified!”

CARMEN

Ling snorted and went, “You wish!”

Then she did that obnoxious hair-toss thing I swear is going to give her whiplash some day. At least, I hope it does.

Then her chauffeur or whatever held the door open while she got in the back of her car. And when she drove off, she yelled, “Good luck with the jelly beans!”

CLAUDIA

I remember thinking, “A) What does she mean about the jelly beans? And B) why is she still getting stuff when she’s been disqualified?”

So we all took out our phones and checked the ClickChat wall.

CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CULVERT PREP SCAVENGER HUNT” WALL

 

goddessgurrl ^{Ed. Note: Athena’s mom} This is Athena Cohen’s mother and the chaperone of Goddesses, Inc. Your decision to disqualify our team under paragraph 2 is without merit and must be reversed immediately.

CzarOfTheHunt ^{Ed. Note: Akash} Umm… sorry. But no.

tasha_sez ^{Ed. Note: Natasha (Wut Ups)} Is 500 pts for Deondra pic real

CzarOfTheHunt DEONDRA PIC IS A JOKE. Quit asking, people

goddessgurrl Paragraph 2 of rule sheet states “team members SHOULD remain together.” It does NOT say “MUST remain together.” Under this language, remaining together is clearly not obligatory, and you must reinstate us.

CzarOfTheHunt It IS obligatory. Teams have to stick together.

goddessgurrl That is not what your rule says.

CzarOfTheHunt Yes, it does.

goddessgurrl No, it doesn’t. I am a Harvard-trained lawyer, and I can assure you my interpretation is correct. Reinstate us immediately.

nightstaker ^{Ed. Note: Hunter (Killaz)} wow this is cray

CzarOfTheHunt The rule is clear. Teams have to stick together.

goddessgurrl No. Your rule states only that they SHOULD remain together. Comparatively, para. 3 states “Each team MUST have an adult chaperone.” This indicates a material distinction: “Must” is compulsory; “should” is desirable but NOT compulsory. Therefore, Goddesses, Inc., cannot be disqualified.

CzarOfTheHunt That is very nit-picky.

goddessgurrl Regardless, it is correct. Reinstate us now.

CzarOfTheHunt I can’t. Mrs. Bevan disqualified you.

goddessgurrl I AM A HARVARD-TRAINED LAWYER. If you do not reinstate Goddesses, Inc., I will contest this decision to the fullest legal extent, with severe consequences for both Culvert Prep and the hunt’s organizers, yourself included.

CzarOfTheHunt Are you saying you’re going to sue me?

goddessgurrl Yes. And I will seek substantial damages.

nightstaker OHH SNAP **** JUST GOT REAL

CzarOfTheHunt This is Mrs. Bevan typing on Akash’s account—Mrs. Cohen, is there a number where I can reach you?

goddessgurrl 917-

J_KOPP ^{Ed. Note: Josh (Gingivitis)} this is nuts!

nightstaker ikr? pass the popcorn yall

daniR ^{Ed. Note: Daniella R. (The Fierceness)} anyone know where to find Deondra

J_KOPP Deondra was a joke duh. Not real

daniR To bad I wantd to meet her

J_KOPP yah right good luck with that

CzarOfTheHunt NOTICE TO ALL TEAMS: REMAINING TOGETHER IS *NOT* STRICTLY REQUIRED UNDER THE RULES. HOWEVER, IT IS STRONGLY RECOMMENDED FOR SAFETY REASONS. PLEASE STICK TOGETHER AT ALL TIMES IF POSSIBLE.

CzarOfTheHunt Also: Goddesses, Inc. has been reinstated. Organizers sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding. ^{Ed. Note: NOTE: head exploded here}

CLAUDIA

That’s when my head exploded.

And then it got worse. Because when we went down to the basement of Dylan’s Candy Bar to get three buttered-popcorn flavor jelly beans (four points), we found this:

Suddenly, the fact that Ling was carrying a giant (and very heavy) bag when she walked out the door made perfect (and very evil) sense.

She’d bought EVERY SINGLE buttered-popcorn jelly bean.

So not only had Athena’s “Harvard-trained lawyer” mom just raised the Fembots from the dead like zombies, but now they were sabotaging everybody else.

And I was just minutes away from a major fight with Mom in the middle of the Bloomingdale’s furniture department.