CHAPTER 14
MOM AND I GET IN A HUGE FIGHT IN THE BLOOMINGDALE’S FURNITURE DEPARTMENT
CLAUDIA
Technically, my huge fight with Mom started while we were crossing Third Avenue to get from Dylan’s Candy Bar to Bloomingdale’s. Which is an awesome but crazy expensive department store—although, tbh, until I saw “photo of price tag for item over $100,000 (8 points)” on the list, I did not realize just how crazy it could get.
The fight was about whether Team Melting Pot could split up. With the Fembots and their fleet of limos back in business, it seemed obvious there was no way we could beat them unless we went in at LEAST two different directions.
It got even more obvious when we ran into Kalisha Hendricks in women’s perfume. She was leaving the elevators and moving fast.
CARMEN
Kalisha saw us all together and went, “You guys know it’s okay to split up, right?”
The way she said it, you could tell she was thinking, “And if you DON’T split up, you are DOOMED.”
Actually, she must have figured we were already doomed. Because Kalisha’s super-competitive—so if she thought we were a threat, she probably wouldn’t have given us the jelly beans.
KALISHA, Avada Kedavra team member Ed. Note: also very smart (and competitive) person
I had extras, because the buttered-popcorn jelly bean dispenser went psycho and dumped about twenty of them into my bag.
And when you told me how Ling had bought them all, I was totally psyched to share mine. Because that’s just not right.
PARVATI
Can I just say, Kalisha was totally cool and the nicest person ever? AND she told us where to find the Bloomie’s item.
CLAUDIA
Right before she ran off, Kalisha turned back to us and said, “FYI, the thing you’re looking for in here? Fifth floor.”
But like Carmen said, Kalisha’s super-competitive. So I was a little skeptical.
PARVATI
“A little skeptical?” Excuse me? You yelled, “IT’S A TRAP! SHE’S HEAD-FAKING US!”
CLAUDIA
I did NOT yell. I was very calmly pointing out a logical possibility.
CARMEN
I’m sorry, but you were NOT calm. You wouldn’t even get on the elevator. I was all, “Oh, sure, Claudia—and the jelly beans are PROBABLY POISONED.” Ed. Note: (sarcasm)
PARVATI
Kalisha’s SO boss. We would’ve kicked SO much butt if she was on our team.
CLAUDIA
Do NOT start with that. And BTW, that crack about Kalisha’s shoes was totally uncalled for. And seriously mean to Jens.
PARVATI
All I did was point out that Kalisha was wearing running shoes. Which were NOT giving her blisters. And Jens didn’t even get that I was flaming him. Because he can’t speak English.
CLAUDIA
I am not even going there.
So we went up to the fifth floor and started checking the tags on couches and dresser sets. Which were mostly in the $10,000 range—so, ridiculously expensive, but not nearly ridiculous enough.
And that’s when my fight with Mom really got going. Because even though it was obvious we ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SPLIT UP, Mom kept insisting she didn’t have permission from Carmen, Parvati, and Jens’s parents to let them “wander around the city alone.”
Which was very annoying, because A) they wouldn’t be “wandering,” they’d be RUNNING (depending on their shoes); and B) nobody would even be alone, because we could only split into as many teams as we had Calvins. And we could only get one more Calvin.
CARMEN
I still had mine from kindergarten. I was going to throw it away last year, but my mom was like, “It’s a memento!”
I thought she was being ridic, but it definitely came in handy.
CLAUDIA
Mostly, the fight was just me vs. Mom, because even though Parvati and Carmen were on my side, you can’t fight with somebody else’s mom. It’s sort of an unwritten rule.
And Jens just kind of hung back and pretended he wasn’t with us, because he is not comfortable around conflict.
Occasionally, Mom would pause the fight to text Dad, asking for his opinion. Which, considering that he’d just left Reese’s team wandering around the city alone, was completely insane.
But Mom didn’t know that.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Did you see ClickChat wall?
(DAD) No
Apparently teams can split up.
Claudia wants to. I think terrible idea
bc not safe for kids to be wandering
alone in city w no parent
Probably not so bad
You’re not letting your team split up,
are you?
No they’re together
I should def tell Claudia no, right?
your call
But whole point of chaperoning is
making sure kids are safe. Right?
guess so
Claudia furious. V stressful. Tell me
it’s ok to stand my ground and make
kids stick together even if it hurts
team
Eric?
in mtg
How can you be in a meeting?
sorry in hurry
Calling you now
can’t talk
Y not??
on subway
no reception
Then how can you send texts?
g2g
CLAUDIA
It took forever, but I finally came up with a plan that Mom couldn’t argue with: she’d take Parvati and Carmen with her, and Jens and I would go off by ourselves.
This made sense, because A) Mom would still be chaperoning Parvati and Carmen; B) Mom had to admit I was a responsible enough person to go off by myself as long as I wasn’t alone; and C) Jens and I convinced her that his parents are very laid-back and would be totally fine with it.
In fact, Jens’s parents are so laid-back that he wasn’t even sure if they knew he was at a scavenger hunt.
JENS
Dutch parents are not so… how do you say it…?
CLAUDIA
Uptight?
JENS
Yes. The Dutch are more downloose. Ed. Note: not a word (but VERY cute)
CLAUDIA
Right when Mom finally downloosed, Carmen found the rugs.
CARMEN
OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH THOSE RUGS COST!
CLAUDIA
The rug department was right next to furniture, and the second we started checking tags on the handwoven Persians, it was obvious we’d hit the jackpot.
PARVATI
All I could think was, “What if you had a dog… and you bought that rug… and the dog peed on it?”
I mean, seriously. Can you imagine? Do rich people not have dogs or something?
CARMEN
I think there might be a secret department in the basement of Bloomingdale’s where you can buy dogs that don’t pee or poop. To go with your $300,000 rug.
The dogs are, like, $400,000.
CLAUDIA
Finding the rug (eight points!) put everybody in a good mood. Then Mom went with Parvati and Carmen to get more items on the East Side, while Jens and I headed for Times Square and the West Side.
Although first I had to find Jens, because he’d temporarily disappeared.
TEXT MESSAGES (Claudia and Jens)
WHERE R U???????
OMG GET BACK TO FURNITURE
RIGHT NOW
BUT FIRST BUY THE SHOES