CHAPTER 18

JENS AND I COME UP WITH A BRILLIANT, GAME-CHANGING PLAN

CLAUDIA

After we got Fembotted in Times Square, Jens and I headed downtown on the 1 train to get a bottle cap from the 5-cent Coke machine at Tekserve (whatever that was).

I was pretty upset about our whole situation. It was 12:42pm, which meant the hunt was almost half over, and there were so many things on the list we hadn’t gotten—especially things that were ridiculously far apart, like Yankee Stadium and Coney Island—that it seemed like there was no way we could win.

And with their four cars driving in four different directions—and their insane sabotaging of everybody—the Fembots were probably crushing it.

Meanwhile, all Jens could think about was having lunch.

JENS

I was very interested to try this Katz’s Deli.

CLAUDIA

I told Jens that was ridiculous, and that he could drink the whole Coke from the 5-cent Coke machine (3 points), and MAYBE if we found a 99-cent pizza place (4 points), there’d be enough time to get a slice, but we were absolutely NOT going to take the time to sit down and eat, especially somewhere like Katz’s Deli (5 points), which on a Saturday afternoon would be insanely crowded with tourists.

And also non-tourists, because the sandwiches at Katz’s really are delicious.

But I didn’t tell Jens that, because it just would have made him want to go there even more.

JENS

You were very stressed. So I said, “Why don’t we be relaxed? Just have fun and not worry about winning?”

And that made you angry. You said, “This is not about fun! This is about justice!”

CLAUDIA

I really believed that. It wasn’t just that we were going to lose. It was losing to the FEMBOTS, who were cheating up a storm.

And I wasn’t just a player—I was the person who created the entire scavenger hunt! And if it turned out the only way you could win was by being completely evil and sabotaging everybody, it’d mean I had personally created a monster.

So no matter how much money we raised for the Manhattan Food Bank, the whole lesson of the hunt would be that the only way to get ahead in life is to be evil. ^{Ed. Note: (also rich)}

Which would be a terrible, terrible thing, not just for this particular hunt, but for future generations.

So the stakes were a WHOLE lot higher than just “Let’s have fun and go eat a corned beef on rye with some giant pickles.” ^{Ed. Note: even though that would be delicious (esp. at Katz’s)}

And when I explained all this to him, Jens totally changed his attitude.

JENS

I started to think, “How can we change the game so we win?”

So I look again at the list. And it is clear.

If we have a picture with Deondra, we get 500 points. And nobody can beat us.

CLAUDIA

At first, I was like, “Jens, Deondra kissing the Calvin was a JOKE. Haven’t you heard that song?”

Because at the time of the hunt, that Deondra song “Cat’s Kiss” was HUGE. So I figured that was why Akash had put it on the list.

AKASH

OF COURSE that’s why I put it on the list!

DOES NO ONE IN THIS SCHOOL HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

JENS

I said, “So, okay. It’s a joke. But still it’s on the list. So if we have a picture and Deondra kisses the cat, we get 500 points.”

CLAUDIA

I have no idea why I hadn’t thought of that myself. But I was so psyched Jens did that I could’ve kissed him right there on the subway.

I’m not saying I actually DID kiss him. Whether I did or not is nobody’s business, so I will neither confirm or deny it. ^{Ed. Note: also he is NOT TECHNICALLY my boyfriend}

Either way, though, I was thrilled. And also relieved—because tbh, up until then Jens hadn’t really been pulling his weight.

As soon as we got out of the subway, I called Parvati to tell her we needed to devote all our resources to finding Deondra.

PARVATI

When you called, Carmen and I were waiting in line with your mom to get the video of the FAO Schwarz piano. And as soon as you mentioned finding Deondra, I was like, “OMG, that is BRILLIANT. And I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first. Also, I’m totally the person to find her, because I’ve been obsessed with Deondra since fourth grade and I know every single website that might help us track her down.”

So right away, I got off the phone and started searching.

CLAUDIA

Meanwhile, Jens and I went to Tekserve, which turned out to be this really cool computer store.

There was an old-fashioned Coke machine in the middle of the floor, and when we first got there, a guy in a Tekserve T-shirt had the door to the machine open.

That got me very worried. But when I said, “Hi! Is there any Coke left?” he replied, “Yeah, I’m just refilling it.”

And then he said, “Some girl came in and emptied the whole machine. It was totally bizarre—she bought all the Cokes, dumped them out in the water fountain, and took the bottle caps with her. So after she left, I had to drag two more cases up from storage.”

Knowing that a Fembot sabotage attempt had been foiled made me think our luck was turning—and when Parvati called me with her Deondra update, I got even more hopeful.

PARVATI

Okay, so first I checked Deondra Online to make sure she wasn’t on tour, or filming a movie, or, like, recording an album in France. And she wasn’t. So, all good.

Then I went to Fiddy K’s website to make sure HE wasn’t on tour, because, obvs, they’re married and, like, totally supportive of each other’s careers. So if he WAS touring, she’d probably be out there with him.

And Fiddy K wasn’t on tour, either. So, still all good.

Then I went to OMG Celebrities In The Wild! to see if Deondra had been spotted anywhere recently. And the last photo they had of her was, like, at a Starbucks in Miami. But that was two weeks ago, so I was like, STILL all good.

Then I checked Red Carpet 24/7—and THAT’S where I found out she and Fiddy K had just gone to a charity ball for autism at the Waldorf the night before.

And I was like, “OMG, this is PERFECT. Because they probably stayed out late, and then slept in, and I know from reading I Am Deondra that her favorite thing to do on the weekends is to walk her dog and/or go out to a totally low-key brunch with her husband and maybe a few close friends.”

So I was like, “Claudia, you HAVE to get over to Deondra’s apartment building STAT and wait for her to either come out and walk her dog or go for brunch.”

CLAUDIA

I was seriously impressed with Parvati’s detective work. My only question was, “Where on earth is Deondra’s apartment building?”

PARVATI

And I was like, “Duh! 511 Leonard Street in TriBeCa! Everybody knows that!”

I totes would’ve gone myself, but we’d been waiting to use that floor piano for, like, twenty minutes. And I did NOT want to give up our place in line. Especially since Colin Hartley from Gingivitis was right behind us.

CLAUDIA

Jens and I googled the address, and two minutes later, we were back on the 1 train heading downtown to TriBeCa.

Incidentally, in the same way that “SoHo” is short for “SOuth of HOuston,” “TriBeCa” is short for “TRIangle BElow CAnal Street.”

Although for us, right then it was more like, “TRyIng to BEat the CAtty Fembots.”

And for my dad, who happened to be very close by at that exact same moment, it was, “TerRIbly BEwildered ’CAuse I Can’t Find James Mantolini.”