CHAPTER 25
SHOCK AND AWE (AND LAWSUITS)
REESE
WHOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOO!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
WYATT
Do you believe in miracles? DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
XANDER
AWWWWW YEAH!
SECRET PLAN, BABY!
CLAUDIA
Okay, THAT is ridiculous. Beast Squad’s victory had absolutely NOTHING to do with Xander’s incredibly lame Photoshopping.
In fact, I still think they should’ve gotten disqualified for trying to cheat.
AKASH
It’s a fair argument. But I don’t think you can disqualify somebody for trying to cheat in a way that’s so completely incompetent it wouldn’t fool a dead man.
And credit where credit is due: James Mantolini delivered the goods.
JAMES
I think my work speaks for itself.
CLAUDIA
Let me back up a little and try to explain what happened at the end, because it is very confusing. Ed. Note: also COMPLETELY INSANE
Mrs. Bevan had barely finished handing Reese and his idiot friends their front-row tickets to Madison Square Garden when Athena’s mom rushed the stage to demand a recount.
I was pretty much in shock—actually, everyone in the room was pretty much in shock—but when I saw Mrs. Cohen make her move, I knew there was going to be a fight.
And I decided that, as the founder and co-organizer of the scavenger hunt, I should be present for it. So I ran up on stage myself.
Eventually, so did half the school. It was basically chaos.
REESE
I didn’t even realize it was Athena’s mom at first. All I knew was, suddenly there was this lady on stage yelling, “HAVE THESE RESULTS BEEN AUDITED?!”
And I was like, “I do NOT know what that word means. But I’m going to stick my front-row ticket in my pants Ed. Note: eeeeew so nobody can take it from me.”
WYATT
Mrs. Cohen was going, “HOW ON EARTH DID THOSE BOYS WIN?”
And I was like, “Yeah—how DID we win?”
Because once I stopped to think about it, it kind of didn’t make sense.
AKASH
I’m a professional, okay? The numbers added up. Goddesses, Inc. had 216 points. The Avada Kedavras were at 218. And Beast Squad had 511-and-a-half.
CLAUDIA
So Beast Squad had a 500-point Deondra photo and… basically nothing else?
AKASH
Pretty much. They had a Deondra photo, a taxicab receipt, and half credit for the Wall Street bull and Statue of Liberty pics. Because there was only half a Calvin in them.
CLAUDIA
And Goddesses, Inc. didn’t have a Deondra photo after all?
AKASH
No, they had a photo. But it got disqualified. Because the list specifically said “photo of Calvin the Cat getting KISSED by Deondra.”
And the photo they had was of Deondra HUGGING Calvin the Cat.
ATHENA COHEN, Fembot/Goddesses, Inc. team member Ed. Note: (had to pay her $20 for this interview)
Okay, I’m, like, it’s just, like… I’m sorry, but I am STILL speechless. Because it was SO INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS.
Like, have you ever even MET a person as famous and important as Deondra?
I am sure you haven’t. But I have met a LOT of them. Okay? And this is the thing about famous people: you don’t get to tell them what to do.
Okay?
So if you’re like, “Excuse me, Miss Deondra, but I’m a huge fan, and could you please just stop eating your kale salad and kiss this stuffed animal while I take a photo?”
And she’s, like, “Okay, whatevs.” Which, by the way—MAJOR accomplishment to even get that far. Like, nobody else in that stupid hunt even got in the same ROOM as Deondra. Okay?
But so, like, if Deondra takes your Calvin, and then she HUGS it—and you’re about to be all, “Could you actually kiss it instead?” But then her bodyguard or whoever’s, like, “JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, KID!”
And then Deondra, like, hands the Calvin back to you and goes, “Have a great day!” and picks up her fork, like, “OVER”—
I’m sorry, but when that happens, you can’t be all, “Yeah, um, Deondra? Could you please just, like, do it all over again, only with kissing?”
IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE.
Not like you’d know.
CLAUDIA
Wow, Athena. I am SO sorry it went down like that. Ed. Note: (sarcasm)
ATHENA
Whatever, Claudia. You have no idea. Go ride your little pink scooter off a cliff.
CLAUDIA
So after Akash told Mrs. Cohen why the Deondra photo got disqualified, she started yelling, “That’s absurd! What’s the difference between hugging and kissing?”
AKASH
And Mrs. Bevan—who was using her official speak-softly-to-the-crazy-parent voice—said, “I believe there’s a material distinction.”
And Mrs. Cohen was like, “A MATERIAL distinction?”
Then James Mantolini—who, by the way, is clinically insane for going head-to-head with Mrs. Cohen, because that woman is FIERCE—goes, “There’s DEFINITELY a difference between hugging and kissing. Let me give you a ‘for instance.’…”
JAMES
All I did was point out that Xander had just hugged me in front of the whole school. And I was totally cool with that—
XANDER
It was a Bro-hug. J-MO’S MY BOY!
JAMES
But if he’d KISSED me in front of everybody… that would have been awkward. Especially if it was on the lips.
XANDER
True dat!
AKASH
Mrs. Cohen was like, “Spare me the lecture, kid!”
Then she turned on James and was like, “I suppose YOUR Deondra photo has kissing?”
JAMES
I said, “As a matter of fact, it does.”
And she said, “Well, I would very much like to see that.”
Although her tone of voice kind of made it sound like, “I would very much like to slit you open and pull out your entrails.” Ed. Note: entrails = guts
And I was like, “Don’t mind if I do.” So I showed her my Deondra photo.
AKASH
CLAUDIA
Athena’s mom took one look at the photo and screamed, “THAT’S NOT DEONDRA!” so loud it actually hurt my ears.
And she had a point. Because it was definitely NOT a photo of global pop superstar Deondra Williams.
JAMES
No argument there. And I was expecting some controversy about that. Which is why I took the second photo.
That’s Deondra Anthony. She works with my dad. And she’s pretty cool. I owe her a huge favor. Or at least my dad does. Which is why she made me take the third picture.
CLAUDIA
Seeing Deondra Anthony’s desk plate did NOT make Mrs. Cohen any less angry.
In fact, it made her more angry.
She started yelling, “THAT DOESN’T COUNT! It’s got to be THE Deondra! You can’t get 500 points for some random Deondra off the street!”
AKASH
Mrs. Bevan—who I’m pretty sure was enjoying this—waited until Athena’s mom stopped to take a breath.
And then she was like, “If I could just interject… the list didn’t actually specify that it be THE Deondra. It simply said ‘Deondra.’ So technically, it could be ANY Deondra.”
CLAUDIA
That basically sent Mrs. Cohen into sputtering-rage territory. She started yelling things like, “OH, THAT IS ABSURD!” and “YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!”
And my personal favorite, “THE ‘THE’ IS IMPLIED!”
Then James said what everybody was thinking, but nobody else had the guts to say to Mrs. Cohen’s face.
JAMES
I said, “Hey, lady—I’m not a Harvard-trained lawyer like you are? But I can read English. And you’re pretty much out of luck here.”
AKASH
That was a beautiful and terrifying thing. James Mantolini FOR THE WIN.
After that, it was all over but the shouting. And the lawsuit threats. Which Athena’s mom clearly did not follow through on, because otherwise I would’ve been subpoenaed by now.
CLAUDIA
I think it helped that the Fembots weren’t even in second place—so if Mrs. Cohen had managed to get James’s photo disqualified, it just would’ve meant Kalisha’s team won.
REESE
I wasn’t really following that whole fight. It was pretty confusing. All I knew was, by the time the dust settled, I still had a front-row ticket to MSG in my pants.
WHICH WAS AWESOME!!!!
CLAUDIA
If you ask me, the real victims in this were Kalisha and the Avada Kedavras—who’d beaten a team that had four chauffeured cars and unlimited money. That’s pretty superhuman.
KALISHA
It all came down to the Cronut. I guess Goddesses, Inc. figured if they waved enough money around, the bakery would sell them one. But the thing with Cronuts is, they only bake them once a day. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. After that, all the money in the world won’t buy you a Cronut.
CLAUDIA
How did you guys get one?
KALISHA
We pre-ordered ours a week in advance.
CLAUDIA
SERIOUSLY?! How’d you know it’d be on the list?
KALISHA
Basic psychology. We knew Akash was making up the list, so we tried to get inside his head and predict what he’d put on it.
Which is actually not hard with Akash, because he’s super-opinionated and really loud.
AKASH
This is true. My Cronut obsession is a matter of public record.
KALISHA
Cronuts weren’t the only thing. We reserved a bunch of stuff we didn’t end up using. Statue of Liberty tickets, brunch at the American Girl store, that special exhibition at MoMA…
CLAUDIA
But how’d you beat a team that was driving FOUR cars?
KALISHA
Logistics. We divided the list geographically by subway lines. That’s the great thing about New York City—you don’t HAVE to drive. The subway’s awesome.
CLAUDIA
Wow. I am seriously impressed.
Although I have to say—I’m kind of surprised you didn’t think of the whole take-a-picture-of-a-non-famous-Deondra thing. I mean, considering how smart you are—
KALISHA
Oh, I definitely THOUGHT of it. I just didn’t know anybody named Deondra. Do you?
CLAUDIA
Actually… yeah. There’s a Deondra who lives in my building.
I just, um… didn’t think of it.
KALISHA
Oh. Wow. Too bad I wasn’t on your team. The two of us together could’ve, y’know…
CLAUDIA
Yeah.
KALISHA
No hard feelings, though. I really enjoyed the mocha latte I got with our Starbucks gift card.
And tell your brother congratulations again for winning.
CLAUDIA
Yeah.
REESE
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CLAUDIA
Cut it out, Reese. Seriously.